Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

is all hope lost?

9K views 45 replies 24 participants last post by  GusPolinski 
#1 ·
Hey, I feel like everything I do is a mistake. Looking for some different perspectives, hope someone can help. We're mid-30's, no kids, my 1st marriage, her 2nd, I pulled her away from her ex. We've been together 8 years, married 3. Here's the rest...

Wife came to me probably over a year ago and said "I'm unhappy, feel unloved, no fireworks". I tried to do things for her to fix it but apparently not enough or in the right way. Mistake #1

She started an affair w/ a co-worker who is also married, every Friday night for awhile. I finally got her to admit it but it took a lot of grinding. Mistake #2

I rode her ass about the affair too much and she finally got sick of talking about it and stonewalled me. Mistake #3.

I took a personal leave of absence from work and went to another state to be w/ family for 2 months. Mistake #4.

Of course the affair started back up while I was gone and she admitted it to me after grinding on her. Mistake #5

I told her to quit her job and we'll move out of state. She agreed. I think this was actually a good idea.

After putting in her notice, I found out she slept w/ this guy AGIAN. I'm still out of state.

I told her to keep her job, I'm coming back to the home state but don't want to be w/ her anymore. She agreed to let me stay in the apartment that's in her name until I find other arrangements 1-2 months. Mistake #5

I want to talk about affair stuff and only last 2 days in the apartment. Stormed out on her, revoked a car from her that was in my name and sofa surfed for awhile before getting an apt. All mistakes.

Now we're separated for sure. I've told her I think we can STILL work it out. She says she doesn't think she wants to be w/ me. "Think" gives me a glimmer of hope.

Think she's just messing w/ me emotionally or means it? I've since read to break off all contact and I've done that. Is my ego just damaged and I'm crazy for wanting her back in my life? Have I done so much damage she'll never talk to me again? I know for now all I can do is wait to see if she calls/texts or gchats me. IF she does that, what's my next move?
 
See less See more
#42 ·
Oh, I'm sorry. You misunderstand. I wasn't arguing a point. I was contradicting your claim on the one hand, and articulating why people don't know they're infected on the other. It is not an ad hominem argument when I am directly making a value judgement about your actions.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#43 ·
The fact that you described the start of your relationship with her as such, and your unwillingness to prioritize telling the OBS about your wife's STD, speaks to your character.

Do the right thing. Not doing so only costs you your honor, and the benefit is you no longer have to fear mirrors.
 
#44 ·
I've reconsidered my position on this and have tried to get into contact w/ the OMW.

So last spring, when I found out OM's last name (through work emails on WW's phone), I went on beenverified.com and got his address. I show up at the house and a lady answers the door. Come to find out, the address was outdated BUT the lady answering the door asked why I was looking for this guy. I told her and she said she owned the home, OM used to rent from her, they had a falling out, he's a POS and she gave me his new address plus OMW's phone number. I had it all right at my fingertips but knew nothing of this forum or the nature of affairs at the time. I could have been cool, calculating and hit a homerun. But I was hot headed, not thinking at all and made a mess.

I show up at the correct address and he answers the door. This is still last spring. I thought I could intimidate him since I'm a pretty tall and broad dude. Tell him to cut it out. No "or else" just "stop what you're doing, good night." When I get home, I call his wife and leave a VM. (WW much later admits he intercepted that) Next day I text both their bosses, "are you interested in the details of the affair between X and Y?" Ranking boss texts back, "not company policy to interfere in personal lives of employees." I reply, "it's on company time and email." They reply, "still not our business." I act foolishly out of rage and start emailing/texting OM at work. Sent him a meme base on this pic http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/000/130/disaster-girl.jpg He texts me, "stop calling, emailing, texting me, don't come by my house."

Fast forward to now. I still have OMW's number but can't get through. Tried using co-worker's cell phones, multiple lines at work, left vms, no reply. I took to facebook using a burner account (I din't have a "real" facebook, not into social media at all) sent her a friend request and message that was never accepted/returned. Got in touch with MIL of OM on FB and told her there's an affair going on. She says, "find that hard to believe but I'm listening." I tell her it's a co worker and they meet several times a week. I figure we'll have more exchanges but my burner account gets de-activated shortly after that, probably from having the last name "Ishavinganaffair." I create a real facebook account and send friend requests again, have not had anyone accept. Found MIL and FIL on beenverified. Calls to listed numbers have gone un returned.

Later that night (after FB blowup) WW calls me but I don't pick up. I know the call is no coincidence and she's hot that I blew **** up on facebook, if only for a day. But, I did not mention the H on facebook, that's something that needs to be told to OMW privately.

Then, just for ****s, I forward work emails to HR and their bosses realizing WW and OM likely rugswept it. The forwarded emails leave little doubt regarding the nature of their relationship. Next day I get a cease and desist reply from HR but just to not email any employees.

I could show up at OMW's house on a weekday to try and tell her. I'm worried that all these foolish acts (from not handling anger well) has a) me towing the line of getting charged with legitimate harassment or b) WW and OM seeing me as enough of a threat, that they may frame me for harassment (ww can be a calculating person) c) OM having had plenty of time to condition his wife that "some crazy guy may show up, he thinks I'm with his wife, we're just friends, don't take calls, don't answer the door, call the police, etc."

I don't know what, if any options I have left without getting into some **** for harassing people.
 
#46 ·
The employer doesn't care, so move on.

Focus on the wife. Go by his house to and talk to her directly. Make copies of whatever evidence you have and bring it along w/ you. Also give her your email address, phone number(s), and whatever else (FB info, etc) in case she wants to reach out to you later.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top