is all hope lost? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 11:43 AM Thread Starter
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is all hope lost?

Hey, I feel like everything I do is a mistake. Looking for some different perspectives, hope someone can help. We're mid-30's, no kids, my 1st marriage, her 2nd, I pulled her away from her ex. We've been together 8 years, married 3. Here's the rest...

Wife came to me probably over a year ago and said "I'm unhappy, feel unloved, no fireworks". I tried to do things for her to fix it but apparently not enough or in the right way. Mistake #1

She started an affair w/ a co-worker who is also married, every Friday night for awhile. I finally got her to admit it but it took a lot of grinding. Mistake #2

I rode her ass about the affair too much and she finally got sick of talking about it and stonewalled me. Mistake #3.

I took a personal leave of absence from work and went to another state to be w/ family for 2 months. Mistake #4.

Of course the affair started back up while I was gone and she admitted it to me after grinding on her. Mistake #5

I told her to quit her job and we'll move out of state. She agreed. I think this was actually a good idea.

After putting in her notice, I found out she slept w/ this guy AGIAN. I'm still out of state.

I told her to keep her job, I'm coming back to the home state but don't want to be w/ her anymore. She agreed to let me stay in the apartment that's in her name until I find other arrangements 1-2 months. Mistake #5

I want to talk about affair stuff and only last 2 days in the apartment. Stormed out on her, revoked a car from her that was in my name and sofa surfed for awhile before getting an apt. All mistakes.

Now we're separated for sure. I've told her I think we can STILL work it out. She says she doesn't think she wants to be w/ me. "Think" gives me a glimmer of hope.

Think she's just messing w/ me emotionally or means it? I've since read to break off all contact and I've done that. Is my ego just damaged and I'm crazy for wanting her back in my life? Have I done so much damage she'll never talk to me again? I know for now all I can do is wait to see if she calls/texts or gchats me. IF she does that, what's my next move?

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post #2 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 12:02 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

Good griefs, man!

Thank the stars you don't have kids. She is a piece of work, your wife. What exactly are you going back to? More of this same treatment? Yes, you ego is damaged. She is out there being romanced and sexed up by OM and you are on the computer wishing she will take you back? Do you not see anything wrong with this picture 'cause I do.

Flush her out of your system. The way to do that is to find out why you are so co-dependent. Godspeed, OP.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #3 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 12:10 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

I am reading your post and your messing with my head...your like a yo-yo...she is clearly not going to give up this guy and she DOES NOT RESPECT YOU....move on. and BURN HER ASS...you can start by telling the guys wife and also their employer...or you can give her back your balls and tell her "i will do what ever you want dear".

no more mistakes...move on.
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post #4 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 12:11 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

When you say you "pulled her from her ex" do you mean that she had an affair, with you, while married?

... If yes, see where I'm going?

People rarely change. She is not marriage material. Sure, there are many mistakes you made, but the best you can do is learn from them and take action.

So, what's do you want and what will you do?

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #5 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 12:12 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

I'm not judging but...
You pulled her "away" from her ex husband?
Or did you cheat with a married woman?

I'm sorry but do you really think that she can change?
I don't know, it may take a lot of therapy.
Wouldn't it just be better to find someone who understands the concept of fidelity and boundaries?




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post #6 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 12:30 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

Wow, you are a weak beta male. Find your balls, man up, and never talk to this POFS again. Start going to the gym, eating and drinking healthy, and get your confidence back. You are young. You have no kids. If you have a good job, you can have 90% of the single women out there you desire. You have no idea how good you have it!
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post #7 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 12:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: is all hope lost?

Thanks for your replies.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EunuchMonk View Post
Good griefs, man!

Thank the stars you don't have kids. She is a piece of work, your wife. What exactly are you going back to? More of this same treatment? Yes, you ego is damaged. She is out there being romanced and sexed up by OM and you are on the computer wishing she will take you back? Do you not see anything wrong with this picture 'cause I do.

Flush her out of your system. The way to do that is to find out why you are so co-dependent. Godspeed, OP.
Thanks, I'll get to reading on co-dependency

Quote:
Originally Posted by Xenote View Post
I am reading your post and your messing with my head...your like a yo-yo...she is clearly not going to give up this guy and she DOES NOT RESPECT YOU....move on. and BURN HER ASS...you can start by telling the guys wife and also their employer...or you can give her back your balls and tell her "i will do what ever you want dear".

no more mistakes...move on.
Told their bosses when I first found out. I know where he lives and his wife doesn't work. I could tell her but supposedly she knows and doesn't care that he runs around...their marriage is just for show. Pry a lie.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
When you say you "pulled her from her ex" do you mean that she had an affair, with you, while married?

... If yes, see where I'm going?

People rarely change. She is not marriage material. Sure, there are many mistakes you made, but the best you can do is learn from them and take action.

So, what's do you want and what will you do?
When we were together and working on it I kinda wanted out and when we're fighting or separated I want back in. Does co dependency make someone yo-yo like that, I wonder.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post
I'm not judging but...
You pulled her "away" from her ex husband?
Or did you cheat with a married woman?

I'm sorry but do you really think that she can change?
I don't know, it may take a lot of therapy.
Wouldn't it just be better to find someone who understands the concept of fidelity and boundaries?


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk

They were separated when I met her. He wanted counseling, I convinced her to stick w/ me instead. Maybe bad karma coming back at me.
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post #8 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 12:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: is all hope lost?

90% of the single women aren't hsv+ and never want to have kids.

re: guyincolorado

Last edited by bojangles; 10-11-2016 at 12:33 PM. Reason: re
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post #9 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 12:33 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

Ah, that helps shed some light. You got the Herpes and think this is as good as it gets.
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post #10 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 12:37 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

Have you tried sending her flowers or writing a poem to her? Maybe serenading her outside her boyfriend's window? It's possible she may need you to cover for them if they take a vacation for a weekend, that might do it...

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post #11 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 12:54 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

Quote:
Originally Posted by EunuchMonk View Post
Good griefs, man!

Thank the stars you don't have kids.
Or even a house to lose.
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post #12 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 12:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: is all hope lost?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Herschel View Post
Have you tried sending her flowers or writing a poem to her? Maybe serenading her outside her boyfriend's window? It's possible she may need you to cover for them if they take a vacation for a weekend, that might do it...
No, do you see the world in black and white or as it really is? Are you talking down to me because you think it will help me or do you get a small amount of satisfaction out of giving people a hard time? Have you been on the business end of an affair? Probably not, cuz you're an alpha dog and these kinds of things don't happen to alphas unless they're the OM. Which begs the question why are you wasting valuable time on my thread when you could be out mackin another man's wife?
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post #13 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 01:03 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bojangles View Post
No, do you see the world in black and white or as it really is? Are you talking down to me because you think it will help me or do you get a small amount of satisfaction out of giving people a hard time? Have you been on the business end of an affair? Probably not, cuz you're an alpha dog and these kinds of things don't happen to alphas unless they're the OM. Which begs the question why are you wasting valuable time on my thread when you could be out mackin another man's wife?
I feel ya and I was just trying to show you what it looks like from the outside. I am working through my second divorce right now, so it's not like I don't get it. I just want you to see how fruitless a lot of the stuff you have been doing.

Quote:
"Think" gives me a glimmer of hope.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMRrNY0pxfM

I am telling you to GTFO and don't look back. Work on yourself. Become a new man.
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post #14 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 01:13 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

From what you've posted the only "mistake" you've made is still wanting to be with her. She will cheat over and over again. Rid yourself of her and move on. Get yourself to a lawyer and start the divorce process. If she calls, tell her that you're filing for divorce and be prepared to be served with papers.
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post #15 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 01:21 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

If your wife is HSV+ and her OM is married, you have a moral obligation to tell his wife so that she can be tested and treated if he has passed it on to her. She may not care if he has a side fling or two, but I bet she would care very much to know he is having a fling with an STD+ partner.

To your original question, I think you were her exit affair. Now, this new guy is her exit affair. I believe she truly doesn't want to be with you any longer and that you should start detaching and moving on with your life. If you are also HSV+ , well, so is a decent portion of the female population. You could date women who already have HSV or you could date women who are unknown, disclose, and see if it's a dealbreaker. There are many websites specifically for STD+ people to meet and there are also STD specific singles and support groups out there. I know plenty of women in their mid-20 to mid 30's who are not interested in having kids and looking for a man who also doesn't want kids. Trust me, you can find someone who isn't going to cheat on you...repeatedly...even after you discover it and offer reconciliation.

Since you questioned another poster's street cred, I was a WW and a BW in my first marriage, divorced him to be with my exit affair partner, and have been with him for 16 years, married for 13 of those.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.

Last edited by MJJEAN; 10-11-2016 at 01:26 PM.
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