Going Crazy Trying to figure out things - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 09:56 AM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

You have to be willing to give up what you have. I didn't get divorced with the intention of re-starting a relationship with my ex. I was done. It just has worked out that way.

What we had together is gone. It'll never come back. It'll never be the same. What I have with her now is different. Good, but different - and it certainly has it's challenges and things that trigger sadness (her, much more-so than me, actually) remembering that it's not the same too. But, it's part of a different burden we go through together.

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post #32 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 10:03 AM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

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Originally Posted by bremik View Post
I don't know if it's worth it. Trying to give some kind of last chance but don't know if I should or how.
I will briefly tell you my story:
Married 33 + years.
Divorced 6 weeks ago today.
ExH strung me along for 8 years.
I was an idiot to tolerate his mental/emotional abuse.
It was horrible waiting for him to give up on other woman/women and "pick me."
Don't torture yourself like I did.
It's NOT worth it!
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post #33 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:07 PM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

bremik, LET GO.
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post #34 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 03:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

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Originally Posted by VeryHurt View Post
I will briefly tell you my story:
Married 33 + years.
Divorced 6 weeks ago today.
ExH strung me along for 8 years.
I was an idiot to tolerate his mental/emotional abuse.
It was horrible waiting for him to give up on other woman/women and "pick me."
Don't torture yourself like I did.
It's NOT worth it!
So everything was good until the last 8 yrs or you just finally got tired of it in the last 8 yrs?
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post #35 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 03:27 PM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

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It's been a few years now. We were officially divorced and living apart for 6+ months before had a long talk.

Honestly, it probably wouldn't work at all for me if I wasn't sure that nothing actually happened. There's something strangely comforting about not worrying about it because if something feels off, and I see something I don't like I can just kind of walk away, and at the same time knowing that we each have to stay engaged with the other and not take anything for granted. I don't know, it just works for me. I think she likes it less, but understands and is more of the "better this way than nothing"

Mostly, I just view it as legal detanglement, for lack of a better term. No different than if someone was to do a post-nup, really. We live together but have separate finances etc, and if we want to split, there's really nothing to haggle over, that's already been done.

It's really far more complicated than this, but it's the TL;DR version of the cluster that was my life for a while.
This is where we are headed in the modern world I think. In an entitled "me first" society marriage doesn't really work well anymore.
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post #36 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 03:31 PM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

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I would like to hear more of your story. Did you contact her at all while apart? Did she make you question your decision initially? Why was the issue more yours than hers? Had there been other times she lied to you? Do you have children? Was there a specific turning point for you and how did you stay focused on what you wanted to do? My problem is she can cry me right into thinking I am crazy. I have no illusions that somehow I will find someone I am as attracted to as my wife- she has aged so well and I think she just gets better with age- but I do think I can find someone I can trust a lot more. There are so many women that would kill to be treated the way I treat her- all her sisters regularly say they are jealous.

We could PM if you prefer.

Attraction can grow with love, you see her as a loving husband sees his wife, this will change when your bond goes away. Don't sell yourself short get in shape and you may find someone you are more attractive to. Also what good is having a sports car if the engine doesn't work. You get my meaning.

If she is that desperate have her take a poly. Bet she won't though.
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post #37 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 03:36 PM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

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So everything was good until the last 8 yrs or you just finally got tired of it in the last 8 yrs?
Everything was normal (whatever "normal" means up) until I sustained a horrible leg injury in an accident he he flipped out and could not cope.

(Looking back. he had a lot of issues that remained dormant until my fall i.e.: sociopath, narcissism)

His sec'y was more that willing to help him get through HIS trauma of MY injury and the rest is history .........

Bremik, I can almost assure you things will not get better and I KNOW it's incredible painful to face reality and move on.

Be strong my friend!
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post #38 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 03:39 PM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

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She doesn't respect you or your boundaries, because she knows you're too fearful to enforce those boundaries. Without respect, how can a marriage survive? A wife needs to respect her husband, and vice versa, but you have none of it at the moment. She pushes the envelope for 9-10 out of the 24 years because she knows she can. Did the affair go physical?

Tell her something like this:

"Wife, we both know you don't respect me or the boundaries I require of you. You know how much I love you and you take advantage of that to push those boundaries. Well, I'm tired of it all. I don't want to do this anymore. I am tired of looking over your shoulder to see if you're behaving with integrity when I'm not around, so expect to be served sometime this week. A wife with questionable integrity is of little value to me, regardless of how attractive or educated she is. I can definitely replace you, as I know there are many women out there who would kill to be treated the way I treat you. Even your own sisters have said how jealous they are of you, so you are definitely replaceable. I want to grow old with a safe partner, and if it ends up that when we die, we don't get buried next to each other, then so be it. I've been trying to keep this marriage together for years, and I'm tired of fighting for us."

Have her served at work. (consequence #1)
Give her a 50/50 divorce at most and DO NOT TAKE ON ALL HER DEBT! (consequence #2)
Do the 180. Keep the conversation limited to the divorce and kids only. Keep it short and pithy and no chit-chat. (consequence #3)
Get a life without her: go out, overhaul your wardrobe, hang out with friends. (consequence #4)
Stop having sex with her! (consequence #5)

You have to get back your self-respect.
This is the thread winner. OP this is your only hope and it has nothing to do with getting your wife back it has to do with getting your self respect back. This will give you power in your own life again. Part of your hesitance is because you feel powerless. That is a terrible way to live.
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post #39 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 03:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Attraction can grow with love, you see her as a loving husband sees his wife, this will change when your bond goes away. Don't sell yourself short get in shape and you may find someone you are more attractive to. Also what good is having a sports car if the engine doesn't work. You get my meaning.

If she is that desperate have her take a poly. Bet she won't though.
Good points! It is just so very hard to make that break and also be sure I did the right thing. We have been talking some via text- while working- and I told her I have no issues with her as a mother and a friend. My issues are with her need to have attention from other guys and how she goes about keeping it from me. I told her I want answer to my questions and I want honesty. When I got home we haven't been able to talk yet but I can tell she is upset about it - looks like she has been beat up. Tho I did tell her on the phone that when I begin to feel guilty about upsetting her I think back to how she never seemed to feel guilty when she didn't call home when away from work, or when she has done specific things that she knows hurts me. Guess we will see where this goes.
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post #40 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

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Originally Posted by VeryHurt View Post
Everything was normal (whatever "normal" means up) until I sustained a horrible leg injury in an accident he he flipped out and could not cope.

(Looking back. he had a lot of issues that remained dormant until my fall i.e.: sociopath, narcissism)

His sec'y was more that willing to help him get through HIS trauma of MY injury and the rest is history .........

Bremik, I can almost assure you things will not get better and I KNOW it's incredible painful to face reality and move on.

Be strong my friend!
Thank you! Tonight should be interesting. I forgot to mention that in my talk with her today I did say all these issues are changing how I feel about her and I have never said something like that to her before.

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post #41 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 03:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

I have to go milk but I will be back. Really appreciate the good thoughts and suggestions.
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post #42 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 03:52 PM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

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Good points! It is just so very hard to make that break and also be sure I did the right thing. We have been talking some via text- while working- and I told her I have no issues with her as a mother and a friend. My issues are with her need to have attention from other guys and how she goes about keeping it from me. I told her I want answer to my questions and I want honesty. When I got home we haven't been able to talk yet but I can tell she is upset about it - looks like she has been beat up. Tho I did tell her on the phone that when I begin to feel guilty about upsetting her I think back to how she never seemed to feel guilty when she didn't call home when away from work, or when she has done specific things that she knows hurts me. Guess we will see where this goes.
Nothing good in life is easy. You situation is not going to change I think you already know that, are you sure your just not afraid? Change is hard. If I were you I would at least move out for a little while. Or if you can't do that move downstairs. She needs consequences and you need to detach so it will be easier for you to end it if you want to. At least you will be thinking more logically and less emotionally.

I read on one of these boards something that made good sense to me, some cheaters have a form of arrested development. It's like they transfer the dynamic of their parents to their spouses, you have understandably become her parent, always checking on her, looking for ways to punish her when she does wrong. This is not a marriage. You have no idea what it is like to be married to a mature adult woman who is an asset to your life. Who you know has your back. To a team mate. It's pretty glorious. I'm sorry to say you aren't going to have that with this woman.
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post #43 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 03:59 PM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

@bremik, would you mind sharing the specific reasons why this is so hard for you?

Real, specific reasons.

If you don't want to share with the board, that's understandable. But I'd ask you to do the exercise for yourself, and be honest.

When you list the reasons, I want you to think of whether those reasons would have been valid before her recent behavior (who she was before /who you fell in love with, etc.) or whether the reasons are still valid considering the person she is to you NOW.

The point of my question is, it's very easy to pine for the person we thought existed. We miss what we had. It's easier sometimes than accepting the reality of what IS.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #44 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:45 PM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

I stepped away and the thread has advanced. Curious how your talk went,

In answer to your questions - the thread of a polygraph often results in parking lot confessions. You usually get three questions. So you ask for a complete timeline of all partners and activities ahead of time. Then one question is "was anything left off the list". Also have you had any type of sex with anyone other than your H since you met him on xxxx date". The polygraph expert will help with the questions.


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post #45 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 11:31 AM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

What's your actual PLAN, Bremik?

Because hope isn't a plan.
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