Going Crazy Trying to figure out things - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

I don't have a specific plan- problem I know. Unfortunately I am evaluating my wife to see which direction I am going. We officially aren't sleeping together starting 3 nights ago. I slept on the floor in the bedroom first 2 nights then last night she said I could have the bed so I don't sleep on the floor and she would sleep on the couch. There is no tension but also no talk since I texted her my feelings for her are changing partly due to the kids being around. I am actually getting a lot of good feedback on this post and am using that as we go. Approaching my 4th day though which is usually when the defenses get weak so here is hoping the not sleeping together helps.

What I am scared of is that I am wrong and she REALLY is being that stupid. I really feel I am the parent in these situations and in some others. I feel guilt if I am upsetting her over nothing- she has adamantly for 22 years swore she has done nothing wrong and that it was just other guys saying too much. She has NEVER wavered on this even with the current coworker. That is what throws me so much on all this. It is like I told her recently- I have all kinds of evidence that she was at the entrance and exit of a building she shouldn't be in but have nothing of her actually in the building but it is just illogical that she wasn't in there. I am scared of disrupting our kids, friends and life and be wrong. I want her to explain why things don't add up- I don't know if she can. She has always been somewhat free spirited- one of the things I love about her- and I accept it when she makes bad decisions on the kids or financial because it is part of who she is. She went too far when it crossed over to drawing other guys in. I have proof of guys telling her how pretty she is, or that she shouldn't listen to me and do whatever she wants, all kinds of sexual chatter- not specifically about her but way to much of a hot topic to be discussing, had one guy's dad from college days telling people she was leaving me for his son which I found out due to friends of ours calling to see if everything was all right. That same guy was dry humping my wife's leg right in front of me in a bar one time. Lying about staying out late on business trips - proven by 1-2 am cell phone calls. Wearing clothes that would make my tongue hang out on a business trip with the worst guy of the bunch being on that trip. There is more. Currently I have tracked her with the i-phone find on i-cloud and have had her tell me she was in her office when she was either not there at all or across the road in the other office building where the coworker is. She even went as far to tell me a guy I like said to say hi- I texted him and he wasn't even there! She expects me to believe when she goes in the other building that she doesn't talk to the coworker but I have past texts that have him making comments relating to where she is at, or that he noticed her working late or leaving early from a big coliseum event etc. - he is way too interested in where she is and what she is doing.

In the lines of me acting as a parent to her. It is like when she really wants to do something she just does it without asking/informing me or worse does it even knowing I am against it. She would rather ask for forgiveness than permission basically. She will cry her eyes out that she is trying to do better but in my eyes it is like - ok yes you are better but you are STILL not 100% professional with your coworker. He has been identified as a threat and you still go to lunch with him?!! I don't care that someone else was there since there was no reason to go since it had nothing to do with business- and they already had a going away party at the office!

I am sorry for the babbling. I ultimately am scared I am wrong but I am angry this won't stop. Even if she is innocent she is so playing with a big fire. Worst yet she knows it hurts me but can't seem to stop. Right now I use that for my motivation in that it never bothered her to have conversations or do whatever it is she does with these guys on trips while not always calling me OR the kids at night when she was away. I was at home with 3 young kids and running a dairy farm while she was more or less partying with some of these people. She had to be there for her job but she didn't have to skip calling us or lie to me about what she was doing.

I let college problems slide because I had no idea everything that went on, I trusted her and never questioned her and honestly think I was in shock because I never dreamed she would do that. I seriously considered that she could be an out of control alcoholic at one point it was so bad. I just wanted to get away when she graduated and things did go very well when we moved away but when she started working with those people again 12 years later it all started again and this time I started checking things and it looked very bad. Which is when I originally started posting on TAM and came to the conclusion college was worse than I ever knew. I don't know -I will just keep going in circles explaining things. I think what has happened is my parents divorced after 43 years of marriage with my dad cheating and this has permanently screwed up my mom and I don't want that to happen to me. I see other women who have been treated like dirt and still treated their spouse like a king and they to are now divorced so I see it as potential for someone to appreciate how I would treat them. I worry that the problem is me and I have some mid life crisis going on or some crazy the grass is greener on the other side thing happening and I am not thinking right or making excuses. I don't know! Counselors and others that have heard my story have yet to tell me I am the problem and there are some very bad things that have happened that I tolerated so I don't think I am crazy but I don't know. In some ways yes she is who I married originally but I never guessed this guy thing would be an issue- so in that sense no she isn't who I married.

Let's see what you all think

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post #47 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 07:02 PM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

I think you think too much.

My take is, she's crying her eyes out because you're ruining her fun, not because she is sorry.

She doesn't sound like marriage material, plain and simple.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #48 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 08:00 PM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

I'm a woman and I can tell you that she knows exactly what she's doing. She hopes she can continue convincing you it's all nothing. And she has a good shot at that because you are helping her by your fear of considering the possibility of life without her. She knows that too. She's aware she has the power in your relationship.

Be prepared to spend the rest of your life the way it is now. She sees no reason to change.
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post #49 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 08:04 PM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

Have you ever tried a VAR in her car?

Pen VAR in her purse?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #50 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 08:07 PM
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

PS

I divorced after 45 years of marriage because my husband cheated so I'm the counter-point to your mom. I'm very happy and at peace with my life. Perhaps your mom will get there too. And you as well. I hope so.
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post #51 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-16-2016, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Going Crazy Trying to figure out things

Not much going on at the moment. It definitely has cleared the mind not sleeping together and has made other urges a little easier to avoid. My wife hasn't said anything and I am wondering if she is waiting for me to make a move possibly. Tomorrow we both were going together for eye checkups so maybe that will spark a conversation.

I appreciate all the good input from here and hopefully the ball has started to roll for change. Hopefully I can quit thinking too much!
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