Thank you to the replies. I just don't understand why she can't get it. Maybe it's simply that it is because she is getting by with it so why worry? I have been trying to talk to her for a few weeks now and haven't gotten anywhere.
At one point she said we still have fun together but financial issues affect our relationship more than they used to. I told her I would give her an out- I would take all debt and she can leave, that way her job would supply enough income for her to rent a place, buy a car and live comfortably. She immediately said no.
If I drew the line in the sand and said be transparent or we separate and she wasn't transparent then what else do I do to get the point across? The only thing I can come up with is to spend some time apart and see what happens. It would logistically be very hard to do and she would probably just have to stay with her parents who are 2 hrs from us and about 1 hr and 10 min from her work. What do we tell the kids? friends? In some ways it could be good if she has to tell her family what is going on but there is always the potential that could come back on me somehow- blood thicker than water type thing.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated
Bremilk, sorry you are in this position but if there are no consequences she will repeat the behaviour, I have learned that the hard way.
Your wife is one of three things
1. a narcissist, who really only cares about herself and what is to her advantage
2. a wife who has little if any respect for you and thinks you will still be around regardless
3. Your wife no longer cares is she hurts you
There is no point in making her see your point of view. Do the following
1. tell her she has hurt you and you are not prepared to reinvest in the marriage and are considering your options re divorce. You must come across strong and not weak
2. move out of the bedroom
3. do not deal with her except in as far as the kids are concerned, keep it official
4. do the 180 on her , this is a day by day process
5. let her feel what it will be like for you to leave her
6. start working on yourself, go to the gym, get nice new shirt, get your hair done, act as if life will be fine without her in it
This may wake her up. If so, then go for couples counselling and trash out these issues, if not you are one step along the road to leaving.