Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 09:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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If he does agree to remain married, will you be expected to turn a blind eye to future episodes of cheating? Because this may not be the only time.
That's what I am worried about, what I am agreeing to here? A lifetime of pain and suffering!! I do want to reconcile but not on the term that he is free to cheat as he likes.

It's so hard to accept that he fell out of love so easily and is now ready to ruin both our lives then to try and make it work!

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post #32 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 11:07 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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That's what I am worried about, what I am agreeing to here? A lifetime of pain and suffering!! I do want to reconcile but not on the term that he is free to cheat as he likes.

It's so hard to accept that he fell out of love so easily and is now ready to ruin both our lives then to try and make it work!
Is he asking for a divorce? If he pursues a divorce can you fight it and stop it from happening? Does he want to stay married and still see the girl? Do you think he is still in contact with her? Do you have access to marriage counseling and if you do would he go with you? Have you asked him why he fell out of love with you?

What options do you see for yourself that you can live with?
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post #33 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-16-2016, 12:32 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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Is he asking for a divorce? If he pursues a divorce can you fight it and stop it from happening? Does he want to stay married and still see the girl? Do you think he is still in contact with her? Do you have access to marriage counseling and if you do would he go with you? Have you asked him why he fell out of love with you?

What options do you see for yourself that you can live with?
He says he needs some more time to think but keeps treating me likes **** all this while. I can fight it but what would I get? I think yes, he is still in contact with her but maintains the statement and he is done with both of us and cannot see his future with anyone of us. He is not ready to go for marriage counselling.
He fell out of love as we drifted apart in our daily routines and work and he tried to close that distance but as per him I didn't do anything and kept ignoring it. Now he is done with this boring good for nothing marriage.
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post #34 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 04:44 AM Thread Starter
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Question Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

So looks like he reached out to some Astrologer who told him that he would get a divorce by 2019 and have a lovely second wife and life. So I think his mind is made up now.

I don't know how I am going to handle all the family pressure of staying together and what kind of life I will have after divorce.. completely lost..
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post #35 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 06:52 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Can you get some individual counseling on your own? Are there any support groups in your area for young women in your situation?

I am not from India and don't know the culture but in general here are some things you can do to help you not feel so lost:

1. I would strongly suggest you start to do some research to find out your rights. Gather information - as much as you can so that you can make informed decisions on how to proceed and not emotional ones. Google divorce in India or your area. Read articles. Perhaps talk to some attorneys to see how to best protect yourself. If you can, try to find some strong woman who handled a divorce and came out ok and talk to them about what they did and what they would recommend. Information is power, knowing your rights is power, knowing the laws is power. Empower yourself so that you are dealing with facts and not fear!
2. I would not chase after him or come across as needy. But I would let him know that you do not want to end the marriage, that you want to try to work things out with a marriage counselor first before going down the divorce road - but that you will not accept being married to him if he is having an affair. Tell him - that you deserve better than that! Tell him you are willing to work on your part of the troubles in the marriage, but you will not work with him until the other woman is out of his life. (As long as he is in contact with her - he can't and won't work on the marriage) Don't beg and don't lower your standards and expectations. You can be loving, but firm. You can be understanding - but not accepting. You can forgive without condoning. You don't have to accept infidelity - no matter what country you live in. You deserve better!!
3. Start communicating with him in writing, emails or texts. And save them all - what you write and his responses. That way you have a record in case you need it later. Also you can make sure you are saying what you want to say and not reacting emotionally to what he says to you.
4. Talk to your family and share your concerns. Tell them that you can not accept infidelity - that you deserve to be treated better than that. Make it clear to them your desires. They may put pressure on you to stay married - but in the end it's still your choice. You have the right to do what you feel is best for you - you deserve to do what is best for you.

Right now - take the power back for yourself. Look in the mirror and tell yourself over and over - I am a good person. I deserve to be happy and loved. I do not deserve to be cheated on. I will not accept less than to have a man who loves me and is faithful to me! Say this over and over until you believe it.

The laws may be backward in your country, and it may be hard to work around them - but look for people who can help you. I'll bet there are women and or groups who are trying to change things for the better. Try to find them and talk to them to see if they can give you some ideas and help. Good Luck. Again - I am really sorry that your husband is doing this to you! But HE is the one in the wrong - you are still a good person that deserves to be happy and loved. Remember that!!!

http://india.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/...raw-deal/?_r=0
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post #36 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 07:12 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

You sound educated and although you are in India if you are educated you can still carve out a good life for yourself.
How old are you? What religion are you?

You have nothing to be ashamed about, you ought to tell your own family at least, but gather as much evidence about the OW as you can. YOur family will support you.
Were you the one providing most of the finances to the marriage, if so use that as leverage, an Indian man ought to be able to take care of his wife, not the other way
around. Find out who the girl is and tell her family, consorting with a married man will be frowned upon.
Do the 180 hard and seek divorce advice, at least see where you stand. Do not offer reconciliation to him, look as if you are taking back control of your life, Begging, offering reconciliation, he will see as weakness and think he can do what he wants. Tell him to go ahead and file for divorce, you are ready. If he doesn't then he is just wanting his cake and to eat it, if he does, then you are better off without him.
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post #37 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 11:27 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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So looks like he reached out to some Astrologer who told him that he would get a divorce by 2019 and have a lovely second wife and life. So I think his mind is made up now.

I don't know how I am going to handle all the family pressure of staying together and what kind of life I will have after divorce.. completely lost..
This is war and your husband fired the first shot. You have a moral obligation to protect yourself.

Open a separate bank account and start stockpiling cash. Your husband is depriving you of a decent life in your own country. He owes you. He took your dowry and is not holding up his end of the bargain.

Look for things on hand you can liquidate for cash. It belongs to you.

Start working on yourself. You should always strive to be the best YOU you can possibly be.

Start making plans to leave the country. This is not a failure on your part. Your husband, your family and your culture failed you. You can start a new life with your pride intact.

Start distancing yourself from your family. They do not have you best interest at heart.

As for your future prospects, be optimistic. If you look outside your culture divorced Indian women are often considered desirable. I know many similar situations in the US where Indian women found happiness outside their culture.

All is not lost. Have courage.
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post #38 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 12:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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You sound educated and although you are in India if you are educated you can still carve out a good life for yourself.
How old are you? What religion are you?

You have nothing to be ashamed about, you ought to tell your own family at least, but gather as much evidence about the OW as you can. YOur family will support you.
Were you the one providing most of the finances to the marriage, if so use that as leverage, an Indian man ought to be able to take care of his wife, not the other way
around. Find out who the girl is and tell her family, consorting with a married man will be frowned upon.
Do the 180 hard and seek divorce advice, at least see where you stand. Do not offer reconciliation to him, look as if you are taking back control of your life, Begging, offering reconciliation, he will see as weakness and think he can do what he wants. Tell him to go ahead and file for divorce, you are ready. If he doesn't then he is just wanting his cake and to eat it, if he does, then you are better off without him.
Thank you for the pick me up, I try to keep reminding myself that I am not at fault here and I am a good person. I am actually going for a inner engineering yoga course of 4 days.

I have provided finance for a house and one other property, paying mortage also for one of them. I don't think he realizes yet that on what grounds he is going to ask for divorce! Indian court doesn't accept anything less than adultery, cruelty etc. they are quite favorable for women (at least in paper).
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post #39 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 12:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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Originally Posted by KillerClown View Post
This is war and your husband fired the first shot. You have a moral obligation to protect yourself.

Open a separate bank account and start stockpiling cash. Your husband is depriving you of a decent life in your own country. He owes you. He took your dowry and is not holding up his end of the bargain.

Look for things on hand you can liquidate for cash. It belongs to you.

Start working on yourself. You should always strive to be the best YOU you can possibly be.

Start making plans to leave the country. This is not a failure on your part. Your husband, your family and your culture failed you. You can start a new life with your pride intact.

Start distancing yourself from your family. They do not have you best interest at heart.

As for your future prospects, be optimistic. If you look outside your culture divorced Indian women are often considered desirable. I know many similar situations in the US where Indian women found happiness outside their culture.

All is not lost. Have courage.
Thank you, appreciate your support. I will need my families support going forward but I can start convincing them to see beyond society norms. It's just no one thinks it would happen to them before it actually happens!! So it will take me time to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and piece my life back together.
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post #40 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 12:29 PM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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Thank you, appreciate your support. I will need my families support going forward but I can start convincing them to see beyond society norms. It's just no one thinks it would happen to them before it actually happens!! So it will take me time to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and piece my life back together.
I wish you good fortune. You have a lot to offer a man than you give yourself credit for. It is your husband's loss for not seeing it.

As for your family, your parents will come crawling back when there are grand children in the picture.

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post #41 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 01:47 PM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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I wish you good fortune. You have a lot to offer a man than you give yourself credit for. It is your husband's loss for not seeing it.



As for your family, your parents will come crawling back when there are grand children in the picture.

Cultural issues are strong. I would defer to OP on that one. I didn't hear mention of kids - if there are none and OP divorced, she may never get married again and may never have kids.

OP can you see an astrologer and try to get a reading that says you will work it out and bring that to your husband?



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post #42 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 01:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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Cultural issues are strong. I would defer to OP on that one. I didn't hear mention of kids - if there are none and OP divorced, she may never get married again and may never have kids.

OP can you see an astrologer and try to get a reading that says you will work it out and bring that to your husband?
No kids, he was never ready for kids. I have reached out to an astrologer, waiting for the reading from that one. Not sure at this point what will it say though. I don't even know what I want to hear.

Everyone deserves a partner who would not leave their side what come may, not someone who will leave just like that and would agree to an astrologer and decides how their life should be!!
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post #43 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 05:15 PM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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No kids, he was never ready for kids. I have reached out to an astrologer, waiting for the reading from that one. Not sure at this point what will it say though. I don't even know what I want to hear.

Everyone deserves a partner who would not leave their side what come may, not someone who will leave just like that and would agree to an astrologer and decides how their life should be!!
So he wasn't ready for kids. Even by traditional Indian standards he failed as a husband.

I agree. You deserve better.
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post #44 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 08:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

As per Indian standards, I failed to give them a baby, it just gives them a reason to divorce. This is a male dominating society where fault always lies with women, no matter what.
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post #45 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 12:25 PM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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As per Indian standards, I failed to give them a baby, it just gives them a reason to divorce. This is a male dominating society where fault always lies with women, no matter what.
When you have a child with a new husband then they would see who was at fault. Win-win.
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