Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now. - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 77 (permalink) Old 11-25-2016, 05:44 AM
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Cool Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

Love in a committed marriage is most definitely a "two-way street!"

Judging solely from your story, I sense only deception and not cohesion!

You deserve far better out of life as God fully intended for it to never be lived the way your H has!

Take him at his word, divorce him, cut him off, and find some better man out there who will truly love and cherish you for who you are!

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post #62 of 77 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

So the entire world wished Happy Anniversary I smiled and acted happy! I am not talking to him now - no contact initiated. But he would be back from US soon and then while living under the same roof life is going to get whole lot more difficult for me.

My parents still want me to reconcile.
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post #63 of 77 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 07:53 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

They always do. It's all about appearances to them. And to be honest, by the time you are an older person, it's kind of a tradeoff - you've already invested this much time, why leave; that kind of thing. But you're young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you need to apply for a visa or something?
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post #64 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 02:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

I have visa, can travel through work itself. But need to convince family first.
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post #65 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 08:20 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

Why do you have to convince them? You're an adult. Just book a flight.
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post #66 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 10:34 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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Why do you have to convince them? You're an adult. Just book a flight.



That's a bit simplistic, don't you think? It would be best to maintain a support system. And changing cultures is a huge life decision (which I support BTW).
@broken@13 do you think your parents can be brought around to support you in this? I know many older generation Indians are very conservative and grew up in a very different, closed country.

It is the same here - many older generation Americans let their learned and institutionalized racism slip as they get older - off-hand comments here an there - not feeling racist but exposing the past underbelly of our racist past.

That's why I ask - even progressive-minded older Indians might have a real internal struggle with your situation and hope you accept the situation and just make the most of it.

I encourage you to keep the door open to your sister and parents, and bring them along, but do make plans to take care of yourself as your real "plan A". That means preparing to embrace a new, bigger world, getting visas lined up, making contacts, etc.

If necessary, directly ask for help here as there probably are TAM members who influence hiring decisions at their companies and might be able to help.


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post #67 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 10:36 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

Reread your last post - since you have the visa already then make plans to put yourself first now.


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post #68 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 09:17 PM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

He was capable of an affair that lasted 2 years. I would not believe him when he says that he was mostly emotional. His focus was on her and if he is capable of this now he will do it again. You might not want a divorce and you have come from abackground where divorce is frowned upon but I can almost guarantee you that this behavior will be what your marriage will end up being.

I was with my ex for 27 years and he was a cheat, always claiming the women he had been with were just emotional affairs. It was one girl after the other and he never showed interest in me. He was too preoccupied in getting the ladies to laugh at his jokes and make him feel like he was amazing. He had to have that constant attention. Home life was too much obligation, he just wanted what was fun.

Do yourself a big favor and find a real good counselor that will help you figure all this out. Staying with a serial cheater is emotionally heartbreaking.
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post #69 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 12:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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He was capable of an affair that lasted 2 years. I would not believe him when he says that he was mostly emotional. His focus was on her and if he is capable of this now he will do it again. You might not want a divorce and you have come from abackground where divorce is frowned upon but I can almost guarantee you that this behavior will be what your marriage will end up being.

I was with my ex for 27 years and he was a cheat, always claiming the women he had been with were just emotional affairs. It was one girl after the other and he never showed interest in me. He was too preoccupied in getting the ladies to laugh at his jokes and make him feel like he was amazing. He had to have that constant attention. Home life was too much obligation, he just wanted what was fun.

Do yourself a big favor and find a real good counselor that will help you figure all this out. Staying with a serial cheater is emotionally heartbreaking.
I can totally understand what you are saying and agree with you. He has been a constant flirt wanting validation from other women all his life and I don't think he is going to stop. He has already found a "very good friend" there who is helping him in this difficult time of his life. Why did I ever fall for him I don't know. But the heartache doesn't go away how much ever I try...
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post #70 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 07:55 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

It will, with consistent therapy on your part, and with you forcing yourself to go out and get a new life that's better than you had before. Are you taking those steps?

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post #71 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 04:06 PM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

I don't know u personally, so I can only say what I would do, and that's get rid of him and work on myself. I went through years of abuse and all kinds of stuff with my exH, and the best day of my life was when I marched my happy little ass into the court and filed my divorce papers myself. He had walked out on me while my father was dying, and left me with bills and it was this huge drama...but that day I took my power back and I've never regretted it. I filed the second round of papers, went to court and got my divorce. I felt so empowered cuz I did it myself and I took control to say I'm not living this way any longer...I'm worth more.

My exH wants to reconcile...or at least come sniffing around grumbling about his sad lonely miserable life. Not my problem...period. I act like I'm fine despite my own family issues and whatnot...I won't let him see me suffering. I go to therapy and group at least weekly to help with my trauma and abuse issues. I've never felt this close to my old self.

So, feel free to use my example if it helps you. I know the feelings of confusion because I had them for a very long time. But when I took steps to protect ME and did things that were in MY best interest, it all just fell into place. My only real advice is people don't change unless they work hard in therapy over a long time...like I'm doing and have been doing. If your H isn't doing that, it's gonna be the same stuff again with him. If you focus on you and healing you and always doing what is best for you, you'll realize the right path to take with H. Focusing on yourself helps get you out of the pattern of worrying about how he feels, what he wants....forget him, worry about YOU. You'll make better decisions when you put your interests first. Also get a strong support system...friends, family, counselors, etc because they can help you feel like you're not going out into the world alone...like H is your only source of support...keep your ties to strong people who care about you.

Wishing you peace and success in whatever you choose to do.
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post #72 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 03:13 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

Can someone post the 180 steps for @Broken13 ?

Thanks.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #73 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 07:59 AM
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Hi Broken@13. First all sorry about your situation. I know India very well and understand what you are talking about. I think you need to come over here for sure. Let me give you some positive words.

*Here you would be a single Indian girl with no kids. Pretty darn appealing to most guys over here.

*A totally new place is what would give you back all your strength. You will be so preoccupied with settling down that soon enough your STBX will be like the snow (I've been to Himachal, LOL) that fell last year. This is nothing and you will be super happy here is my guess.

*Keep your cards close and just LEAVE with stealth once you have some logistics overview.

*Do you know anyone over here already that can help you out? If not look at the map, find some good place and try to find a few new friends on a meetup forum or something like that. I would probably stick to girlfriends at this point, because you may not want to get into something else too fast until you know what the He11 is going on with your inner balance.

*Besides NY, I feel the West coast is the most diverse area in USA. Seattle, Portland, LA sounds like places to explore.

*You are a single Indian woman. Not gonna be a problem for you to find anything here for sure. Just build yourself up strongly first so you avoid or minimize the risk of a new asss entering your life. We had several Indian girls in medical school and I remember all the gories working hard to date any of them. At the same time, the Indians always knew their stuff.

Final question, you said you were an engineer. What is "inner engineering yoga"? Or is it like the Yog of inner engineering? Vastu architecture? Mechanical or electrical engineer?

Stay strong and get tough. Bring your inner alpha and Indian female hotness out along with the brain power and the world is yours.

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post #74 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 02:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

So he is back from his abroad trip and behaving same as he was before he went, well may be a little better. He doesn't talk about separating now, haven't come out and told anyone that he wants to separate.

But he keeps to himself, doesn't share anything or talks, not even generic stuff. I don't know what he wants but I am sure he wants me for the world and her for himself Classic *******.

I can't leave him that's that. I have to put up with this even if this is for life. I just don't know how to make it hurt less every day, every minute and every second of the day
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post #75 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 09:30 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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So he is back from his abroad trip and behaving same as he was before he went, well may be a little better. He doesn't talk about separating now, haven't come out and told anyone that he wants to separate.

But he keeps to himself, doesn't share anything or talks, not even generic stuff. I don't know what he wants but I am sure he wants me for the world and her for himself Classic *******.

I can't leave him that's that. I have to put up with this even if this is for life. I just don't know how to make it hurt less every day, every minute and every second of the day
Why do you feel you have to stay with him and put up with this?
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