Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 10:01 AM Thread Starter
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Question Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

I will start with the fact that I still love him after all we have been through and still want to get back together.

We have been married for 6 years now, together for 10 years. He was having an affair with a colleague from past 2 years which I got to know about in June 2016. He says the affair was more of an emotional one and not a physical one. He feels that we have been drifting apart from past few years and haven't been really like a couple. I was more focused on my career and what not.. Initially when I got to know about the affair he was guilty and wanted nothing more than to be together and makes things better. But when I asked him to break contact with the other girl he seemed hesitant to do that but did anyhow. Few weeks later I found them again being in contact and we got into a big fight. After that day his behaviour is completely changed and he started saying he doesn't have any feelings for me anymore nor for the other girl! he can't stay with me and always feel guilty or under my suspicion. It would be best for us to divorce and have separate lives.

he doesn't want to tell the family yet as 'he is still thinking' but his behaviour with me is completely changed, he seems irritated with me most of the times, doesn't talk to me unless absolutely necessary, doesn't answer my phone or text. He is trying to convince me to see the logic behind his thought process. He seems to truly believe that there is no going back for us/getting back together.

But I do not believe this, I still feel we can be happy together. I seriously don't know how should I behave with him, if I always try to talk to him I come across as needy and pushy but if I also don't make the effort we might drift apart evermore!

I have no idea what I should be doing.

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post #2 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 10:19 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

This is a really terrible situation for you. He is entirely at fault, and he doesn't seem to want to really break off contact.

I believe people can have affairs, and then stop, but it doesn't seem like this is what he is doing.


Unless you are willing to live in an open marriage (and very few people are), your best course of action is probably divorce. It just doesn't seem likely that he won't cheat again.
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post #3 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 10:21 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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I have no idea what I should be doing.
Does he work with her?

You need to be filing for divorce and implementing the 180 if
he hasn't broken any and all contact with her.
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post #4 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 10:34 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

Take him at his word. Divorce.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #5 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 10:56 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

The way he is treating you is symptomatic of someone still in the affair fog. Likely he is still seeing the other woman.

He needs to know you won't be his plan B if he leaves the other woman.

You need to be strong. Not needy.

By starting divorce is the best way to try to get him back. Assuming you want that.
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post #6 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:01 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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But I do not believe this, I still feel we can be happy together.
Why, he has cheated on you and told you he doesn't want to be with you. What makes you think this when all evidence points to otherwise. Have you told us the whole story because from what you told us, this thought that you can be happy sounds like magic thinking. You need to realize you can do better. You don't mention kids, so really what is keeping you. Look up sunk cost fallacy.
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post #7 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

I am from a very conservative society where divorce is unheard of! Moreover I still love him and want to try everything to save my marriage.
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post #8 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

No kids! We were so good together for so long, its hard to believe that he did this to me and doesn't feel anything now. I feel like a complete fool.
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post #9 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:09 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

Stop worrying about what others think. A lot of people don't believe in divorce and are stuck in miserable, sexless, loveless and meaningless marriages. Screw that.

Count your blessings you have no kids and move on. This is something that you shouldn't have to work around and rebuild from.
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post #10 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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Stop worrying about what others think. A lot of people don't believe in divorce and are stuck in miserable, sexless, loveless and meaningless marriages. Screw that.

Count your blessings you have no kids and move on. This is something that you shouldn't have to work around and rebuild from.
I don't know if I have the courage and strength to go through this, I am only talking to my sister about this and she is suggesting to forget my self worth and save the marriage. As in our society there is not much of a life/future for divorced women. I might have to move out of the country.

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post #11 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It gives a plan on how to work through this and get him to agree to work on the marriage.
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post #12 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:21 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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I will start with the fact that I still love him after all we have been through and still want to get back together.

We have been married for 6 years now, together for 10 years. He was having an affair with a colleague from past 2 years which I got to know about in June 2016. He says the affair was more of an emotional one and not a physical one. He feels that we have been drifting apart from past few years and haven't been really like a couple.
He's blaming the victim and justifying his actions, while ensuring the chasm widens.

Quote:
I was more focused on my career and what not.. Initially when I got to know about the affair he was guilty and wanted nothing more than to be together and makes things better. But when I asked him to break contact with the other girl he seemed hesitant to do that but did anyhow. Few weeks later I found them again being in contact and we got into a big fight. After that day his behaviour is completely changed and he started saying he doesn't have any feelings for me anymore nor for the other girl! he can't stay with me and always feel guilty or under my suspicion. It would be best for us to divorce and have separate lives.
You have to respect his choices ans actions. Your task is to inform him that you ask him to end it, and that you will not monitor him. This places responsibility on him. If you become the police, then he has no responsibility and will act like it. You also present yourself to be a less desirable mate. There is what works and what doesn't.
Quote:

he doesn't want to tell the family yet as 'he is still thinking' but his behaviour with me is completely changed, he seems irritated with me most of the times, doesn't talk to me unless absolutely necessary, doesn't answer my phone or text. He is trying to convince me to see the logic behind his thought process. He seems to truly believe that there is no going back for us/getting back together.
And there might be. He also might be playing you, to get you to drop the scrutiny and Chase HIM.
Quote:

But I do not believe this, I still feel we can be happy together. I seriously don't know how should I behave with him, if I always try to talk to him I come across as needy and pushy but if I also don't make the effort we might drift apart evermore!

I have no idea what I should be doing.
You are implying an ideal, rather than contending with reality.

I recommend you to take responsibility for yourself. That's it. If you love him, then present yourself as willing to work to reconcile. At the same time, make sure that he is responsible for showing up or not. He will play more games to dissuade you. See through them and make sure he takes responsibility. Beg for nothing. Convince him of nothing.

You are a valuable person. Let's make sure a healthy relationship is restored or a healthy and independent single gal is reborn, as the Phoenix.
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post #13 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:23 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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I am from a very conservative society where divorce is unheard of! Moreover I still love him and want to try everything to save my marriage.
I guess cheating is acceptable.
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post #14 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:24 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

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Originally Posted by broken@13 View Post
I don't know if I have the courage and strength to go through this, I am only talking to my sister about this and she is suggesting to forget my self worth and save the marriage. As in our society there is not much of a life/future for divorced women. I might have to move out of the country.
Move out of the country! Do it if you have to. Happiness is more important than this.
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post #15 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:25 AM
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Re: Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.

I'm sorry, that makes it really difficult.

Unless he is willing to stop contacting the other woman and stop cheating, I don't see what you can do. Marriage requires cooperation from both partners.





Quote:
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I am from a very conservative society where divorce is unheard of! Moreover I still love him and want to try everything to save my marriage.
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