Is an accidental 180 working? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 05:13 PM Thread Starter
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Is an accidental 180 working?

Together for 8 years and married for 5. Both mid 30's.

We had a great relationship and have had our share of issues. For me, it was my anxiety and depression. I grew up in a broken family and it affedec me as an adult. My wife always was good about supporting me through therapy, in times where I took steps back and always praised me by progress I made. For her, it was her drinking. Throughout our relationship, she's had stages where she was drinking every night and not doing her fair share of housework and blowing me off for dates and family events. These bursts would last about a month and when I put my foot down, she would be good for about a year. I grew up with an alcoholic father and always told her, I'll love and support a recovering addict but I will walk away from an addict that won't take responsibility. I've developed strong boundaries and have a great al-anon group I attend a few times a week.

Last year, she began drinking heavily again and she started coming home at 3am every night. It was when one of my siblings passed, and she was drunk at his funeral is when I walked away and said call me when you get better. I got a phone call from her mom that night saying it's over and to never talk to her again. My wife can be a coward and in this situation it shows. I've spoken to my wife a few times after this, she would rewrite history and somehow try to gaslight me and tell me I'm crazy for not remembering these false accusations like psychical abuse, verbal abuse and neglect. We weren't a high conflict couple, we argued like everyone else but we both were amazed how after an argument we could sit down and talk things out and move on.

People have mentioned there may be another man involved? There might be, but I'm not wasting any energy to figure it out. We're separated, it's none of my business.

After a month of NC I began to pursue her and beg and plead, all the things we're told not to do. I was met with anger, insults and just her being mean to me. She told me I'm controlling with her alcohol consumption and it's perfectly normal to drink every night, because her co-workers do it. Her arguments sound like they're coming from a 10 year old. She even told me "my mom says you're wrong and I'm allowed to drink all I want, keep in mind her mom is an addict. This is coming from a well-educated woman with a very high IQ and prestigious career.

My desire to fix the marriage has never left, but I knew when to give up. She never did much with the divorce process. I began trying to talk to her and work it out peacefully and have a mutual divorce, she got some lawyer to contact me and I began discussing with him. I eventually hired my own attorney to speak to her's. She told me her parents will pay for the divorce, because I'm physically abusive and horrible an all

Our attorneys worked out the details, our assets are already split and all she needs to do is have her attorney to send my attorney papers to sign. Ever since I stopped pursuing her, contacting her and began living my life it seems she stopped pushing the divorce. I'm looking good, have updated facebook pictures of me doing awesome things with friends, and have more or less accepted the divorce and haven't thought much about it. I'm letting my attorney figure it out.

Ever since I did this unintentional 180, I haven't heard a peep from her. Her attorney won't respond to my attorney's requests for updated for the past three months. I tried contacting her being like "hey, we both want this, let's move it along, and she has gone dark. But the divorce is idle.

Do you think my accidental 180 has struck a cord and since I'm doing something different, I might get different results?

As I mentioned, if she wants a divorce, I'll agree 100%. I'm not going to force someone to be with me.

But if there's any chance to reconcile, I want to at least try.

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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 05:41 PM
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Re: Is an accidental 180 working?

I do not. I suspect it is a combination of alcohol fueled denial and avoidance.

Alcoholics are often escapists who self medicate to avoid reality.

You should file, have her served, and allow the process go forth.

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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 05:43 PM
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Re: Is an accidental 180 working?

Maybe the reason her attorney hasn't responded is because she stopped paying. She has given you no indication that she wants to work it out. It would be best for you to let her go and move on, which means to complete the divorce with or without her cooperation. You don't need her cooperation to get a divorce.

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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 05:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is an accidental 180 working?

Well shucks, ah well. False hope I guess/

I refuse to file, it's her divorce, she can have it.
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 06:30 PM
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Re: Is an accidental 180 working?

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Originally Posted by sumitup View Post
Well shucks, ah well. False hope I guess/

I refuse to file, it's her divorce, she can have it.
Then you will get exactly what you are allowing:

Limbo.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 06:40 PM
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Re: Is an accidental 180 working?

You didn't do an accidental 180.

You turned and walked away and proceeded to live your own life, irrespective of any effect it might have on her.

That my friend is the 180 in its purest form.

Unfortunately you are faltering in the home stretch but I give you credit for getting as far as you did until you fell flat on your face.
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 07:21 PM
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Re: Is an accidental 180 working?

Between Farside and Cynthia lies the truth. You may have to push through a unilateral divorce. In that case, go for 100% of all shared assets. When she gets wind of that, that you are gunning for 50% of her retirement, she will answer.
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 07:49 PM
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Cool Re: Is an accidental 180 working?

Accidental 180? Hardly! I'd pretty much call it a "subconscious 180!"

Excessive drunkenness and alcoholism are grounds for divorce in most venues!

Just be proud that you finally got around to doing and just move on!

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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 09:11 PM
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Re: Is an accidental 180 working?

I would just get the divorce too, only way you will be able to totally move forward with your life.



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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 06:42 PM
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Re: Is an accidental 180 working?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sumitup View Post
Together for 8 years and married for 5. Both mid 30's.

We had a great relationship and have had our share of issues. For me, it was my anxiety and depression. I grew up in a broken family and it affedec me as an adult. My wife always was good about supporting me through therapy, in times where I took steps back and always praised me by progress I made. For her, it was her drinking. Throughout our relationship, she's had stages where she was drinking every night and not doing her fair share of housework and blowing me off for dates and family events. These bursts would last about a month and when I put my foot down, she would be good for about a year. I grew up with an alcoholic father and always told her, I'll love and support a recovering addict but I will walk away from an addict that won't take responsibility. I've developed strong boundaries and have a great al-anon group I attend a few times a week.

Last year, she began drinking heavily again and she started coming home at 3am every night. It was when one of my siblings passed, and she was drunk at his funeral is when I walked away and said call me when you get better. I got a phone call from her mom that night saying it's over and to never talk to her again. My wife can be a coward and in this situation it shows. I've spoken to my wife a few times after this, she would rewrite history and somehow try to gaslight me and tell me I'm crazy for not remembering these false accusations like psychical abuse, verbal abuse and neglect. We weren't a high conflict couple, we argued like everyone else but we both were amazed how after an argument we could sit down and talk things out and move on.

People have mentioned there may be another man involved? There might be, but I'm not wasting any energy to figure it out. We're separated, it's none of my business.

After a month of NC I began to pursue her and beg and plead, all the things we're told not to do. I was met with anger, insults and just her being mean to me. She told me I'm controlling with her alcohol consumption and it's perfectly normal to drink every night, because her co-workers do it. Her arguments sound like they're coming from a 10 year old. She even told me "my mom says you're wrong and I'm allowed to drink all I want, keep in mind her mom is an addict. This is coming from a well-educated woman with a very high IQ and prestigious career.

My desire to fix the marriage has never left, but I knew when to give up. She never did much with the divorce process. I began trying to talk to her and work it out peacefully and have a mutual divorce, she got some lawyer to contact me and I began discussing with him. I eventually hired my own attorney to speak to her's. She told me her parents will pay for the divorce, because I'm physically abusive and horrible an all

Our attorneys worked out the details, our assets are already split and all she needs to do is have her attorney to send my attorney papers to sign. Ever since I stopped pursuing her, contacting her and began living my life it seems she stopped pushing the divorce. I'm looking good, have updated facebook pictures of me doing awesome things with friends, and have more or less accepted the divorce and haven't thought much about it. I'm letting my attorney figure it out.

Ever since I did this unintentional 180, I haven't heard a peep from her. Her attorney won't respond to my attorney's requests for updated for the past three months. I tried contacting her being like "hey, we both want this, let's move it along, and she has gone dark. But the divorce is idle.

Do you think my accidental 180 has struck a cord and since I'm doing something different, I might get different results?

As I mentioned, if she wants a divorce, I'll agree 100%. I'm not going to force someone to be with me.

But if there's any chance to reconcile, I want to at least try.
This sounds like a really crappy situation. Sorry that you're going through it.

Depending on the state, divorces tend to get thrown out after a certain amount of time has passed without the respondent being served their papers. In CA, it's 60 days. Given that you've said that three months have gone by without being served and without updates from her attorney, it's probably safe to assume that the original petition is no longer valid and that there is no divorce case, at present, on the books. As others have pointed out, it's also possible she stopped paying the lawyer or that without an actual case being active, the lawyer ceased representing her and therefore has no responsibility to respond to your inquires.

I do think you need to really think about whether or not you want to be with someone who clearly has addictive traits, at least, and that is allowing others to justify that behavior. Not only are you going to have to sort through the issues of your relationship, but even if that goes well you're going to need to be there for a lot of therapy and treatment for what sounds like alcoholism. That's a LOT to chew on.

One comment that jumped out at me is that you told her, "hey, we both want this, let's move it along," when you attempted contact. That's pretty starkly at odds with the reality you're presenting here, which is: I want reconcile if you're interested, but I'll also be amicable about a divorce if that's what you want. I think you need to keep it simpler in future interactions concerning the divorce and where it stands. Just say, "Hey, let me know where we're at with the divorce process." This isn't emotionally charged and doesn't misrepresent how you actually feel.

Hope you get some clarity soon!

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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 06:50 PM
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Re: Is an accidental 180 working?

What's wrong with you? Do you have any self confidence? Get on POF.com right now (it's free) and get on some dates. You need to realize there are millions of single women out there.

Have your pathetic of an excuse wife served with divorce papers and get the process going. You get to start dating awesome women. You're about to have a lot of fun.

Accept it, embrace it, and start a new life!
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 07:58 PM
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Re: Is an accidental 180 working?

A common reason for not following though is she is busy with someone else. In short you are not even on the radar. Drinking impairs judgment, leading to a string of bad choices. She has forgotten she is married. Since your assets are aireafy divided, no children simply pass the asset division info to an attorney and file for a no fault divorce.

Now get a complete life.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 04:24 PM
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Re: Is an accidental 180 working?

You told her to call you when she got better (not drinking) and walked away. She has indicated she intends to keep drinking. What do you think there is to save?

If you continue to wait on her to act, you could be waiting a very long time. Take charge of your life.
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 04:58 PM
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Re: Is an accidental 180 working?

What about another man theory?

Maybe she was ready to divorce when she thought this guy would sweep her up after the divorce.

Her mother may be telling her to back off because you are coming out ahead in the settlement.

She may be in rehab.

She may be drunk most of the time, face down in the gutter.

She may be staying drunk and busy with many other men.

The mother may be blocking any and all communication to/from her.

The mother is abusing her and taking advantage of her in some evil ways.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 12:25 AM
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Re: Is an accidental 180 working?

Any update on this sumitup?
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