So...yesterday was a really tough day. My kids had picked up on Mommy not wanting to hug or kiss me lately so I had been speaking to them, especially my little one, abut Mommy not being happy with me caused partially by me and that they shouldn't pressure her. So I guess my littlest got upset while I was out one day and the wife flipped on me. Said I make her look bad, can't trust me. She went on a tirade and said that we should have done counseling together, I didn't tell her about results of my medical tests...just went off. But I explained that I asked about joint counseling and she declined so I didn't press. Told her I went for tests but she never asked again. Then latet in the day and this morning we are all good, played family games last night. Look, I honestly think she is a good egg and hasn't done anything wrong. The times when she blows up are less frequent but they are still strong. For the men and women who have come back from this, and been able to repair, can you tell me what it looks like on the journey? I am admittedly just shattered inside right now and doing everything to keep it together. So depressed. Really trying hard to crack a smile, laugh, and feel confident that it will work out.
When she said you should have done counseling together did you tell her that's you wanted in addition to explaining why you didn't press? My advice on that front is to just find a marriage counselor, make an appointment and come to her with the date and time. She's probably being somewhat passive aggressive with what she wants—which is to see you be proactive and make the moves.
I'm not sure what the medical tests are in reference to (perhaps on another thread?), but if you were getting tested for something serious or even just something she would be interested to know, you should have come to her right away when you got the results. It probably was causing her worry and hurt her to think you wouldn't want to share with her something that I'm guessing is very important. Why didn't you tell her the results right away?
In terms of the journey of reconciliation, I probably don't have the best advice because I'm going through the beginning stages of a divorce. But I will say, try to rebuild confidence in yourself so you can offer the best version of you to your spouse and kids.
Also, as stated above, get into counseling. If you make the appointment and she balks, just go by yourself. That effort will elicit a response in her—be it interest that eventually leads to her joining you for sessions or continued inaction that tells you she might just not want to try. At this point the strain in your relationship is clearly causing your children grief and worry and that's not fair to them. So the quicker you get some clarity about the level of her commitment to reconciling, the better of you'll all be.
In general, I don't think people like having to tell their spouse what they want from them; especially in times of crisis. She wants you to take the lead (not saying that's fair, but if you want to save this that is irrelevant) and show her this means something to you. She may find that when you do her response isn't what she expected or what either of you think you want (reconciling). But you'll at least put the ball in her court with decisive action that will give you both greater clarity.
Hoping it gets better for you, your spouse and kids no matter the outcome.