2 Weeks into Reconciliation - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 02:43 PM Thread Starter
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2 Weeks into Reconciliation

Hi all,

I posted a month or so ago about my separation and so much has transpired since.

2 months into our separation (6 weeks living together in other rooms, 2 weeks him living in his apartment) my husband told me he never stopped loving me and wanted to reconcile.

He left me after a big argument where I gave him an ultimatum (he was being particulary rude to me) and within 3 weeks was "dating" a girl he worked with. She had a boyfriend too that she left and wanted to move into his apt with him but (in his words) that's when he realized he did not love this woman and wanted to get back with me.

My conditons were a 60 day continued separation with marrive counseling. Over the past 2.5 weeks we have wored through s0 many things and I see that he is sincere in his love. She is still pursuing he is being very open with me about it and has been honest with the OW about everything.

This is my challenge. The resentment. All the money that went to him moving out and the two sexual encounters he had with her. The fact that he actully left me. All the small things like him deleting our pictures off fb and telling th3 neighbors we were splitting. How do I mend the hurt? Besides talking to him about it and hI'm continuing to reassure me?

Any advice?

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 02:51 PM
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Re: 2 Weeks into Reconciliation

Continue to stay separated and attend counseling with him. Figure out what each of you really wants. Sounds to me like he wasn't that into being married and wanted more sex with more women.

Number 1 rule: watch his ACTIONS, not his words. It's easy to sweet talk women. What's hard is showing you in actions that he loves you enough to put you ahead of EVERYTHING, even himself. So far, it doesn't sound like he's doing that.
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: 2 Weeks into Reconciliation

You're attempting reconciliation w/ a serial cheat, so here's my advice:

Don't do it.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 04:07 PM
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Re: 2 Weeks into Reconciliation

I am not sensing a drop of sincerity.
Stay Strong!
VH
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 04:10 PM
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Re: 2 Weeks into Reconciliation

What is your motivation?

Can you share about yourself and why you think it is healthy and a good choice for you to reconcile?

I've seen some very bad situations healed and great marriages emerge but just off your OP, I don't see the good in reconciling with such a disaster of a man.

Can you convince me?
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 04:22 PM
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Cool Re: 2 Weeks into Reconciliation

The psychological hurt and pain is going to linger and will, deservedly so, come to eat you alive ~ more especially with his prior shoddy treatment and blatant disrespect of you!

But without him acquiescing to an STD test, if merely having missed him causes you to suddenly have sexual relations with him, then that same hurt can go physical on you!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 04:36 PM
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Re: 2 Weeks into Reconciliation

Forgive... this will allow you to put aside the pain and resentment for the deep healing you need, the past something behind you for the purpose of experience.

There are too many things here that are not mindful for you alone to overcome... you need to put the energy into you.

I am not sure he has a sound foundation for understanding love for either of you...

ETA: He has a ton of heavy lifting to do after reading your other threads... we often see want we to see with the different levels of love, but ultimatums are what they should be, and he challenged yours... how will you hold his feet to the fire the next time he places you secondary in his life?

Moving on shows him where you are headed, and the confidence will show if he gathers the strength to circle round to meet you there in your future destination then reconsideration is worth taking the time to consider.

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 01-02-2017 at 05:08 PM. Reason: Mindful additional thoughts...
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 11:23 PM
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I couldn't get over it. Honestly if my wife cheated on me, I'd divorce her. I couldn't dea with her screwing some guy twice. That too much for most people to accept.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 11:52 PM
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Re: 2 Weeks into Reconciliation

You could do better.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 01:22 AM
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Re: 2 Weeks into Reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
You could do better.
She might be able to do better by throwing a dart while blndfolded at a comic convention and ending up with whoever it hit.😵

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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 01:45 AM
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Re: 2 Weeks into Reconciliation

@ChipperE from one of your posts -

Quote:
Through the 6 weeks' separation I've identified that I have been married to a narcissist for 5 years. We were best friends and I trusted him with my life.

It seems like he's going out of his way to make me feel bad about myself, and ultimately blaming everything on the fact that I've been focused on my recent (1.5 years ago) career opportunity and have had less time to lift weights as I did for years. My body has softened up somewhat and even though he never mentioned it to me he said if I'd "continued to work out heavy" we wouldn't be in this mess. He continues to tell me certain attributes on my body look great while at the same time making me feel like I've let myself go (I haven't).

How do I recover from this? It's something I can't even discuss with my friends because they will hate him.
What are you doing? How old are you? Is that you in the picture? Do you guys have kids? What has he done to change his narcissism (like this is possible and as we know it's not). Why are you willing to put up with so little in your life? Do you know if you meet a good man he becomes an asset to your life, not a constant struggle. How about a man who is encouraging and supporting your career opportunities? Seriously what are you doing?
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 06:02 AM
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Re: 2 Weeks into Reconciliation

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
You're attempting reconciliation w/ a serial cheat, so here's my advice:

Don't do it.
Repeated for truth.
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 07:12 AM
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Re: 2 Weeks into Reconciliation

Letting go of the resentment for what he put you through can take years -- assuming you can. Some people understandably never do get beyond it. They continue to feel like they are Plan B because Plan A didn't turn out to be what their spouse thought would be the case. Trust lost is very difficult to get back (and it's not wise to ever again trust 100%).

R is very hard work (the only easy part is the decision to try). And R with a narcissist is another story altogether. Right now you're in the beginning stages and he's saying what you want to hear. Time will tell if it's real or not. Have a back-up plan in case it isn't.
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 08:12 AM
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Re: 2 Weeks into Reconciliation

"How do I mend the hurt?"

It isn't your job to mend the hurt. It is his. Watch his actions rather than listen to his words. You have to know that a narcissistic cheater is not a good candidate for a happy marriage.

Even if you lived at the gym, he would still find some way to blame you for his behavior.
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: 2 Weeks into Reconciliation

Does it matter if he had sex with her twice or twenty times? Because people tend to minimize that.

I hope you're getting counseling to learn how to move forward -- in whatever direction that turns out to be.
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