Should I expose the affair? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 02:06 PM Thread Starter
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Should I expose the affair?

My husband started seeing a coworker three weeks into our separation. My husband has admitted that they flirted leading up to our separation and that as soon as he announced his separation that she began to say she wanted to pursue a relationship with him. I will say upfront that my H has gone through all his texts with me so I've seen the exchanges and believe that they back up his story.

We are now reconciling, we are on session 10 of marriage counseling and he's switched jobs. They are completely NC and he broke it off with her prior to us getting back together. (they dated for about 6 weeks). Contacted him a few times after the break up, going as far as to leave letters on his car and on his desk (they were very much in the tone of "you broke my heart" "you are heartless" "you're a liar"). He has been very transparent with me, and he is taking all the steps the MC has suggested.

She has now backed off, however there's one thing that is bothering me. This woman has a fiance. She has 3 kids (her ex-husband has custody) and this guy does everything for them. He seems like a genuinely good guy. My husband says he feels like a huge a-hole because the (2) times they slept together, the first time was in the bed she shared with her fiance, and the second time was at the company Christmas party. The story is that H was drunk and she left her fiance in their hotel room and said she was going to hang out with a girl from the office when, in fact, she was coming to my H's room. That night H ended up kicking her out of the room because he was drunk, couldn't perform and she got mad about it.

Anyway, there's all the sordid details. Although I am working through my hurt and the fact that my H was with another woman, at least I know we were split up at the time. She was actively with her fiance, and this guy has no clue who he is marrying. I do NOT want revenge on her, although she has tried to start drama in my life. I just know I would want to know if it were me. Should I contact the fiance and let him know this, or leave it alone?

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post #2 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 02:09 PM
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Re: Should I expose the affair?

Some might say that since you are now in R, there's no reason. I usually say that. But considering the level of crap she pulls, I would feel responsible for letting the guy know. But I would do it anonymously so that she doesn't come after you guys.
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post #3 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 02:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should I expose the affair?

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Some might say that since you are now in R, there's no reason. I usually say that. But considering the level of crap she pulls, I would feel responsible for letting the guy know. But I would do it anonymously so that she doesn't come after you guys.
That's definitely how I feel in some regards. I hate drama. I hate knowing I will hurt someone, but the guilt of knowing this genuinely nice guy is getting ready to make a HUGE mistake just kills me. I was thinking anonymously is the way to go.
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post #4 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 02:16 PM
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Re: Should I expose the affair?

"My husband says he feels like a huge a-hole because the (2) times they slept together, the first time was in the bed she shared with her fiance, and the second time was at the company Christmas party."

See, this may be something my buddy might say to me in this scenario and I'd be like, man you are a pig. This guy tells his wife he feels like an a-hole because he banged this woman in her bed she shares with her fiance. I don't get the justifications we allow ourselves to make in the sake of "reconciliation".
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post #5 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 02:24 PM
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Re: Should I expose the affair?

I have read your post, you settle for so much less in your life. It's really depressing.

Besides that you should always expose. There is never a reason not to unless it is to wait for a better deal, but only wait, always bring light to the darkness, it's good for society.
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post #6 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 02:27 PM
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Re: Should I expose the affair?

The poor fiance has a right to know what has been going on and what he's about to marry. I would want to know if it where me.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #7 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: Should I expose the affair?

I was engaged to a guy for 3 years who spent the whole 3 years cheating on me with his old gf. Everyone knew. Nobody told me. The only reason I found out was he took MY car to take her on a date to the beach and crashed my car. I felt like the biggest fool on the planet. More than that, I was furious that nobody told me because that told me all I needed to know about where they placed me in their list of priorities.
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post #8 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 02:45 PM
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Re: Should I expose the affair?

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The poor fiance has a right to know what has been going on and what he's about to marry. I would want to know if it where me.
I agree. You can do it anonymously. He has a right to know who he's about to marry. Then he can decide on his own.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #9 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 02:45 PM
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Re: Should I expose the affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
I was engaged to a guy for 3 years who spent the whole 3 years cheating on me with his old gf. Everyone knew. Nobody told me. The only reason I found out was he took MY car to take her on a date to the beach and crashed my car. I felt like the biggest fool on the planet. More than that, I was furious that nobody told me because that told me all I needed to know about where they placed me in their list of priorities.
I'm glad you found out before you married him.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"

Last edited by jb02157; 01-20-2017 at 02:52 PM.
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post #10 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 02:46 PM
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Re: Should I expose the affair?

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
I was engaged to a guy for 3 years who spent the whole 3 years cheating on me with his old gf. Everyone knew. Nobody told me. The only reason I found out was he took MY car to take her on a date to the beach and crashed my car. I felt like the biggest fool on the planet. More than that, I was furious that nobody told me because that told me all I needed to know about where they placed me in their list of priorities.
That's awful.


"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #11 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 03:05 PM
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Re: Should I expose the affair?

First the ex has custody of the children, why ? The more time goes by the deeper the fiancé becomes commited to the relationship, the children and her. There are many posts here and else where by BH just like him years later when the adultery cones out yet again. They are torn about divorcing because the children who need him and if he divorces he will be ripped out of their lives.

So at least an anonymous email from a "co-worker" of hers to the fiancé and if posdible his family and friends.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #12 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 03:32 PM
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Re: Should I expose the affair?

Hell yes, tell that poor woman's fiance before he makes the biggest mistake of his life!!!!

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #13 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 03:50 PM
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Re: Should I expose the affair?

Your husband shouldn't just feel like an A-hole, he IS an A-hole!!!

I am curious as to what you see in him to take him back after this! He is as big a scumb@g as she is! They both deserve to be run over by Karma bus!

As for the other betrayed spouse/bf, he absolutely deserves to know and your husband and her deserve to face the consequences - i.e. they should both take their lumps. I hope the fiancé finds out and kicks the sh!t out of your "husband". And then dumps her skanky a$$ !!!

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #14 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: Should I expose the affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
I was engaged to a guy for 3 years who spent the whole 3 years cheating on me with his old gf. Everyone knew. Nobody told me. The only reason I found out was he took MY car to take her on a date to the beach and crashed my car. I felt like the biggest fool on the planet. More than that, I was furious that nobody told me because that told me all I needed to know about where they placed me in their list of priorities.
OMG That's freaking awful.
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post #15 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: Should I expose the affair?

Yes. Yes, you should tell the poor unsuspecting fiance. If I were him, I'd want to know.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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