Still in R: an update - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 02:29 AM Thread Starter
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Still in R: an update

For those of you who are interested.

Christmas and New Year was great, kids were home, we went on holiday, had a blast.
Back to work , how quickly 2017 has come and it's a month in.

H and I still working, still getting on, few blips on the road. He is travelling a lot though. He is away currently. I enjoy my alone time, and use the time to meet friends, have a quiet eve in with good movies, get work done, etc. I enjoy my own company tremenduously.

However, today had a trigger, don't know what it was, something I read about rugsweeping.

Whether we want them to or not, truths don’t just go away, and until they are given their proper place in the light, they cause us pain, drain our energy, and keep us longing. To deny the truth of our needs, desires, hurts, disappointments, and dreams is to abandon ourselves. And self-abandonment is among the most intimate forms of pain we’ll ever know.

I started to question whether I am abandoning myself by being in this reconciliation with my H, the man who has caused me so much pain, the man who still hasn't really come clean about so much in the last 6 years. Yes, he is still sober, still doing IC (not as often) but the past has not been fully exposed. I still don't trust him. As the article said, truths do not just go away and must be given the proper light.

The author continues
No matter how beautiful a rug we’ve woven, how good we are at tidying around it, or how tucked away we’ve managed to keep it, the things we’ve swept beneath it affect us every day, in subtle, and not-so-subtle ways. As much as I wish it weren’t true, they also affect those we love.
We’re not often encouraged to sort the messier aspects of our lives in the light. We may never have been given permission to own the fullness of our stories



How to keep looking forward...............and pretending the past is in the past? Am I just weaving a beautiful rug?

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 08:21 AM
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Re: Still in R: an update

It's often difficult to know whether you're on the right path when you're walking it.

R is much harder than getting out. I was one who felt you should have gotten that apartment and moved on. My own situation plays heavily in how I view yours. I was in R for several decades before it failed and I got out. Obviously, it works for some but for others it doesn't -- no matter how hard we try.

I hope yours is successful.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 03:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Still in R: an update

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Originally Posted by Openminded View Post
It's often difficult to know whether you're on the right path when you're walking it.

R is much harder than getting out. I was one who felt you should have gotten that apartment and moved on. My own situation plays heavily in how I view yours. I was in R for several decades before it failed and I got out. Obviously, it works for some but for others it doesn't -- no matter how hard we try.

I hope yours is successful.
Why did you reconciliation fail (briefly), what went wrong, forgive me for not going back through your post. My H is a much better person nowadays, gone is the drama that his drinking brought, but is like this huge dark shadow hovering over me which I cannot shake, I think of the red flags, the unanswered questions, the truths I do not know, the gaslighting, the hurt and pain and think WTF am I doing, maybe I should have walked. Maybe this will pass. But the thing that is really sure is that things will never be the same again, he will never have my heart completely. I will not be the woman who sacrifices all.

I will be having time off work to go home (for personal reasons not related to marriage) and am looking forward to the opportunity to be by myself for some time and to see how life is.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 08:24 AM
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Re: Still in R: an update

The abbreviated version is that he cheated again. Initially I didn't want to R because I didn't trust him but he promised that I would never have cause to worry again. I warned him there wouldn't be a third chance. I guess he thought he could get away wth it. My only regret is that I didn't get out the first time. Leaving was a lot easier than staying.

I never got answers. He was a world-class liar and great at gaslighting. So I really never felt it was all over. And it wasn't. All I wanted was the truth and I didn't get it. It's why I don't trust men (not that they'll all like him but I just can't trust anyone now).

R is a very hard road. For some it works. It didn't for me and I tend to be cynical now. I hope it works for you.

Last edited by Openminded; 01-31-2017 at 08:32 AM.
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