Reconciliation / Texting / Work - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:07 AM Thread Starter
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Question Reconciliation / Texting / Work

First a little back ground. My Ex and I are currently talking about getting back together. We were married for 24 years and have two great kids. The last two years of our marriage were very rocky. We both had multiple emotional affairs. I am not sure about physical affairs on her part (she says there were none). I did not have any physical affairs. I filed for divorce after I found out she was discussing ways to move our marital assets out of my control and telling her family members about our private intimate relationship secrets. She claims she was just talking and would have never actually moved the assets. After filing for divorce we lived together as a family discussing our problems and having intimate relations on a regular basis. I really think we love each other. Now that our divorce is final, my Ex is really struggling with our relationship. The actual act of divorce is incredible important for her. My divorcing her was the ultimate hurt. She asked me to move out of the house and I did. All the hurt and pain we caused each other in the past we call our “ball of goo”. When we talk about the ball of goo, we each have our reasons and the pain bubbles up to a point where further discussion turns into a pointless argument. We are currently doing a good job of not discussing the ball of goo. If it does come up, we have been keeping the topic at a high level. This has been working in that we are talking about the ball of goo not arguing.

Here is my current problem. How do we get the trust back? Currently while we are talking about getting back together we have agreed to tell each other if we are talking to or are interested in another person romantically. Trust issue number one - My Ex does a lot of texting. This is how she communicated with her emotional affairs in the past. I have also caught her urgently getting her phone to text when I am showering or when she is going into the ladies room at public events. She explains this by saying she needs to text her psychologist for advice and is embarrassed to admit she needs help in front of me. She texts often. Seems like a lot to me for only her psychologist. I am insecure and think she is texting romantic interests. Trust issue number two – Her work is a black hole for me. She never discusses details about the people she works with. Only at a very high level. Never detailed interactions. People she works with did not know she was in a committed relationship. Her boss even asked her why she never makes an attempt to have a relationship with anyone (totally inappropriate on his part). When she goes to conferences or on out of town business trips she says she is too busy to have an extended conversation with me via phone and will only text me when she has a moment. Sometimes no texts for hours. When she is in town we typically text each other throughout the day. Her behavior seems odd to me and I am insecure that she is romantically involved with others. Any help in how I get past these hurdles will be appreciated.

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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:42 AM
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Re: Reconciliation / Texting / Work

This sounds a lot like my situation, the only difference is that we have not divorced yet. The amount of time my wife texts is want lead me to find out about her first EA affair, and was also the reason I kept my guard up leading me to find out about her second. Having had a EA myself first and her finding out about it is what I guess always keeps me questions our whole "ball of goo".

Although her second EA hasn't been resolved between us yet since I only recently found out about it, the thing I think about most are the trust issues. I have done a lot of reading recently about online / texting affairs, steps to try and rebuild trust and just working on my marriage in general. The one thing I've come to realize is that there is no one answer, or an easy one. The conclusion that I've come to is this. We know our partners, we know them or knew them on the most intimate levels. We've both had and been caught having emotional affairs, we know the signs of them as well as the consequence. After all of my thinking, reading, researching and everything else, the only thing I see as a solution is time.

If the trust is ever going to return it's just going to take time, time together and time apart. Time to see if any of those indicators show up again, and if they do to address them and talk about them immediately. Drop all expectations of the other and just see what happens. In my case we are very close to divorce, and in yours it's already happened. The worst really is behind us at this point, so what could dropping your expectations and just seeing how things go over time hurt?
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Reconciliation / Texting / Work

curious...are you back in the house again? and if the divorce is final, why did you not sell the house? because from what i read from your statement she sounds like she is stringing you along. for what reason i don't know but i suspect she is looking for something better than you.
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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Reconciliation / Texting / Work

I agree the more time we spend together the better I feel. The hard part is I feel she is going behind my back. If it was above board she wouldn't try to hide.
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Reconciliation / Texting / Work

She got the house in the divorce. I am currently spending Fri, Sat and Sunday at the house. No sex yet, but we are talking about it. Even when I am around her she is hiding her texts. She will be texting someone a long text. I get out of my chair and she stops texting. I get back in my chair she starts. I get out she stops. Seems like she does not want me to see who she is texting.
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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:33 AM
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Re: Reconciliation / Texting / Work

have you both agreed to complete transparency this time around ? if you have not established ground rules then start...but keep this in mind the longer she is spending time texting the less time she is spending working on your relationship....at this point perhaps walking away id the best thing for now...also why the hell did you agree to give her the house....you must have had a crappy lawyer.
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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Reconciliation / Texting / Work

We have agreed on complete transparency. I just do not trust that she is living by our agreement because of our past EAs. She got the house, I got the investments.
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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:42 AM
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Re: Reconciliation / Texting / Work

Then i would have a set down meeting and tell her...you are either 100% invest in this relationship which means no testing others...or your not...its either a yes or no, if the show was on the other foot would she not expect the same? you need to be willing to walk away...and tell her that....
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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:43 AM
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Re: Reconciliation / Texting / Work

and tell her one more thing...if you guys decide to get married you first want a polygraph on both of you to show that your are clean
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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:09 AM
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Re: Reconciliation / Texting / Work

1. She's lying.

2. Nope.

3. See #1 and #2.


Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:23 AM
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Re: Reconciliation / Texting / Work

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Originally Posted by rockandsand View Post
I agree the more time we spend together the better I feel. The hard part is I feel she is going behind my back. If it was above board she wouldn't try to hide.
Trust me, I know that feeling. What I'm feeling is that you have to let your guard down but keep your radar up. If you constantly keep thinking she's doing things behind your back without any real evidence of it you'll drive yourself crazy and end up making things worse. In a way I did this in my marriage before any of the EA's were even a thought, and I think it was a contributing factor to why the EA's ended up happening in the first place. All I can say is like what I'm doing now, stop thinking about it, drop all expectations you have of her, think logically and go with your gut. There's no reason to create a problem if there are no real indicators
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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:08 PM
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Re: Reconciliation / Texting / Work

First, are you two going to counseling together? If not, have you talked about it and are both parties open to it? You'll have to discuss your "ball of goo" at some point and it'd likely be best if you had someone their to guide you through it if things get heated or emotional.

If she's agreed to 100% transparency then you should be able to ask to see who she's texting. Any resistance on her part would be a strong sign that it isn't just her psychologist. I don't think you need to read through every text chain, but at least ask to scroll through her conversations if it's bothering you. Given that you both engaged in emotional affairs and that's part of your goo, she should understand that level of texting would make you uncomfortable and suspect the worst.

If you really love each other, she needs to be okay with being vulnerable and needing help in front of you. That's a huge part of any healthy relationship; your significant other shouldn't need to hide anything. I do understand that if it is her psychologist that should remain private between the two of them, which is why I wrote that you could ask to see the different conversation threads, but you shouldn't feel entitled to read the chain with her doctor.

Honestly, this situation doesn't sound healthy. You got divorced the first time because of what sounds like pretty rampant emotional affairs and shattered trust and already those fears are surfacing again due to behaviors you recognize as part of her pattern. Are you seeing a psychologist for yourself?

You're going to have to go really slowly for this, but at the same time you can't run from the past; it has to be dealt with and moved on from if you two have any hope.
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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Reconciliation / Texting / Work

As part of complete transparency, I suggested that we each let the other see our text messages and also view our phone bills. She would have no part of it! She very sternly said that she is not talking to anyone romantically and is only texting her psychologist.
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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: Reconciliation / Texting / Work

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As part of complete transparency, I suggested that we each let the other see our text messages and also view our phone bills. She would have no part of it! She very sternly said that she is not talking to anyone romantically and is only texting her psychologist.
And there's your answer.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:33 AM
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Re: Reconciliation / Texting / Work

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Originally Posted by rockandsand View Post
As part of complete transparency, I suggested that we each let the other see our text messages and also view our phone bills. She would have no part of it! She very sternly said that she is not talking to anyone romantically and is only texting her psychologist.
You divorced her, why should she trust you, you haven't earned any right to see anything. You are lucky you can come to the house on Fri-Sat. You are both divorced and single, so can do what you like. Why should she stop living her life, just because now you deign to, maybe she thinks you want an friends with benefits type of arrangement. Committment is an action word, what have you done to show her you are committed. If my H divorced me, he wouldn't get a second chance period, he most definitely would not be having pyjama parties at the weekend in my house either. Be thankful for small mercies.
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