Re: Reconciling if you were never really in love
I am sorry that you are here.
The biggest part of the wave of negativity only hit me at around 3 months. It has now been 8 months and things are much better. I think we all process things differently and having a new baby will probably make that even more complicated. For what it's worth, I think that your heart is protecting itself by numbing any positive feelings that you have for him. That doesn't mean that those feelings are gone, just that you can't feel them at the moment. It's natural to want to distance yourself from hurt. Are you in IC yourself? I would recommend it.
As to whether you can possibly reconcile - I took advice from several places to wait for at least 6 months to make any critical decisions. Not sure why it should be such a magic number, but it worked for me. By the time I got there, I'd had time to process my own feelings and observe my husband closely. I didn't feel at the mercy of hourly mood shifts and I'd had time to unpack practical consequences. I feel like I made a balanced decision to go ahead and try for reconciliation. Don't get me wrong, the pain isn't suddenly gone, but it has faded a lot. And I was able to deal with it more rationally and constructively; rather than just feel like I wanted to give the whole thing up whenever I got down.
I will share something from my IC that I found very helpful. I fell into the trap of feeling that if I decided to try and reconcile then that was it, I would then be in for the long haul. I felt I was faced with 2 possible options - stay forever (and just grit my teeth and bear the pain) or divorce. My therapist added a third one - agree to try, to put my all into it (expecting my husband to do the same) and see whether I could get to a place of true reconciliation. It isn't about living in limbo, and this is important. It needs to be a whole-hearted effort. When I could be up-front with my husband that I was committed to trying, but couldn't commit yet to a positive outcome, it became a lot easier. For both of us. I hope that this makes sense.
As to success. It's early days for me yet. But so far so good.
“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”
― C.S. Lewis