How to handle this?? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 08:44 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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Originally Posted by allicantake View Post
You are exactly right. I KNOW this. She has been fine for 5 years while I did everything I could to try to save our family and salvage our relationship. As soon as I meet someone, it hits the fan. Now I'm the one throwing everything away to try with someone I don't even know, according to her.
Look man, you've been here long enough to know you can't nice them back but you obviously never listened and wasted 5 long years of your life being nothing but a puppet on your XW's string.

I doubt you'll even listen now. She doesn't want you!!!!! However, she doesn't want anyone else to have you. She wants you alone!!!!! What she's done has shown you this but you don't/won't listen.

Guess what you're kids have seen this but they only care about what they want. You or your needs and life don't matter much.

Continue to live as she wants or maybe WAKE UP and have a life. This is abuse and people treat you as you let them. This 5 years is all on you sport. Anyone with any common sense whatsoever would know better.

So you either find your manhood and move on with your life like everyone else does or continue to "dance puppet dance"!!!!

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post #17 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 08:52 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

I know you have been with this woman for a while and you two have a lot of shared moments in life. I think that is what us posters forget sometimes when reading characters on an electronic screen (or is it digital?). So while someone outside of the situation can look and make a quick decisive choice, it isn't as easy for the one in the midst of the storm.

But the general consensus is right I think. Your wife is miserable. She will constantly be chasing something that she can't find in herself: Happiness. She may have gotten the idea from T.V. or friends. Wherever! But reality is no match for fantasy. The fantasy of living with OM isn't as flighty as the reality of waking up next to him with his morning breath, wax in his eyes, his dirty boxers with skid marks in the hamper, his flesh and blood realness. Rawness.

Now she has made a new fantasy of coming back to you. Oh happy! We will be reunited and be a poster family. Me and hubs will fall madly in love. It'll be like the Notebook! Sigh! As soon as she comes back together with you, she will feel the realness, the rawness, flesh and blood. Again disappointment will dawn on her. Chasing the unicorns is an endless and fruitless chase.

This new girl might be the right way. She might not. That is irrelevant. The point is you are getting back out there. A healthy step in the right direction.


Godspeed, OP.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #18 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 08:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

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I know you have been with this woman for a while and you two have a lot of shared moments in life. I think that is what us posters forget sometimes when reading characters on an electronic screen (or is it digital?). So while someone outside of the situation can look and make a quick decisive choice, it isn't as easy for the one in the midst of the storm.

But the general consensus is right I think. Your wife is miserable. She will constantly be chasing something that she can't find in herself: Happiness. She may have gotten the idea from T.V. or friends. Wherever! But reality is no match for fantasy. The fantasy of living with OM isn't as flighty as the reality of waking up next to him with his morning breath, wax in his eyes, his dirty boxers with skid marks in the hamper, his flesh and blood realness. Rawness.

Now she has made a new fantasy of coming back to you. Oh happy! We will be reunited and be a poster family. Me and hubs will fall madly in love. It'll be like the Notebook! Sigh! As soon as she comes back together with you, she will feel the realness, the rawness, flesh and blood. Again disappointment will dawn on her. Chasing the unicorns is an endless and fruitless chase.

This new girl might be the right way. She might not. That is irrelevant. The point is you are getting back out there. A healthy step in the right direction.


Godspeed, OP.
And you would be right also. I agree with everything you said here. I feel I'm doing what I need by getting back out there. And like you said, this new girl may or may not be the one. But right now, so far, she's been wonderful and that's big for me after what I've been through. I also agree with Marc...he is right too. It's not that I didn't listen though. It's just that my heart, and our past together, wouldn't let me do what I should have done to start with. I might not be where I am now if I had done thing differently. Actually, I know I wouldn't
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post #19 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 09:02 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Wife and I were married 21 years before we divorced. She had a 4 month affair 7 years into marriage, then another that led to our divorce. I always felt we had a good marriage other than the short affair she had early on.

She's a serial cheater and you only know the "tip of the iceberg".


I forgave, never forgot, and moved on. We never really even talked about it when it was over. We didn't fight, there were no addictions, nothing. She says we didn't communicate well enough. I agree that we didn't do all we needed to.

Obviously she didn't tell you it was an open marriage on her end. DNA your kids!!!
No marriage is perfect and she isn't either. Did you go out and cheat on her because of her imperfections?


We have 3 children aged 16, 13, and 7. We got married in 1992 and divorced in 2013. The last affair started on facebook and was a whirlwind. I suspected her around Christmas 2011 and found proof in February. She swore to end it with him but never did. He bought a house for them in the town where we live and she moved out in November 2012.

I read every book I could read, every website, every blog. She was so in love with him that nothing would stop her.

You didn't learn a thing. You can't make her do anything but you should have fixed yourself. Codependency will destroy you.

I filed but postponed the divorce 3 times because she said she didn't want to lose our family and wanted to reconcile. She has always said she was leaving him and coming home through email. Yes, email is the only communication she uses with me and has been for about 4 years. She's said that she'll be home on this day or that day probably a thousand times. Every time there's an excuse why she didn't leave him. She's never stopped saying that she loves me and only me. Says she made the biggest mistake of her life. Says there's been no sex between them for over 2 years She has promised to do everything we could ever need to reconcile but always adds "when I get back home" to the end. So, I've been on this rollercoaster from hell for over 5 years. Now for me....I have not dated anyone since the divorce.

Cheaters lie a lot in case you haven't figured that out yet. Her actions are what count and she's still there with him isn't she? You are being played for a fool and allowing it to happen. You ok with that for another 5 or 10 years? Huh?

I've always wanted my family back and been willing to work it out with her. I have always loved her and would have jumped at the chance. She knows this.

Probably relishes in seeing you alone and under her total control. I'd bet she and her other man have had many laughs over you and how she's able to play you so well.

We share joint custody, I work all week and keep my kids every weekend. She doesn't work so she has all week when the kids are in school plus weekends to herself. Makes it hard for me to do much at all, I'm a Dad first and want my kids to know that. Ok....last week I finally get the courage to put myself out there to see what happens. I meet someone and have been out with her once so far. She has been really great and we both have expressed interest in taking things farther to see where they lead. She's divorced also and doesn't want to get hurt, neither do I. My problem is that my ex told me again last night she was coming home this weekend. Granted, she probably wouldn't have, but I told her I was seeing someone. This took things to a whole new level. Now she says she's ready to do anything and is begging me to let her come home. She still lives with the man she had the affair with. I don't want to make a mistake here and look back and wish I had done something different. My heart is telling me to keep seeing the new woman but what if my ex is sincere now? I know I'll get blasted for even considering my ex, but I can handle it. I need affirmation I'm doing the right things

ReRead your post and pretend it's your brother or a close friend. What would you think?

Time for you to WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!!

.
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post #20 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 09:14 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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And you would be right also. I agree with everything you said here. I feel I'm doing what I need by getting back out there. And like you said, this new girl may or may not be the one. But right now, so far, she's been wonderful and that's big for me after what I've been through. I also agree with Marc...he is right too. It's not that I didn't listen though. It's just that my heart, and our past together, wouldn't let me do what I should have done to start with. I might not be where I am now if I had done thing differently. Actually, I know I wouldn't
Beware of rebounds but you have been separated/divorced for a long time so it shouldn't be as much of a problem for you. However, if you do too much in any relationship you can get taken advantage of and it will cause a loss of respect. If you don't fix that it can happen again. Do and expect a balance of @ 50/50.

This is important so you need to listen. No other woman is going to want a relationship with you if your X is in the mix. Go a hard 180 no contact except for the kids. Never answer her calls direct. only respond to emails or texts that pertain to your kids. Keep those short and civil. Cut out any chit chat sessions. If you don't this will destroy any future relationships. This will also give you the ability to move on like she has and finally see who she really is.

Her emails to you are just an EA with you. Her other man doesn't know. She's cheating on him just like she did you. You have nor does anyone else have any future with this horrid woman.
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post #21 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 09:23 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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She has always said she was leaving him and coming home through email. Yes, email is the only communication she uses with me and has been for about 4 years. She's said that she'll be home on this day or
.
Yep, her other man doesn't know!!!! Do the poor slob a favor and send him your wife's emails to you.

Like I said "serial cheater"!!!!!
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post #22 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 09:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

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Yep, her other man doesn't know!!!! Do the poor slob a favor and send him your wife's emails to you.

Like I said "serial cheater"!!!!!
No he doesn't know. I've always known she was doing this behind his back. She just turned this around and started cheating on him with me. I thought she was doing it because she realized she wanted me at first. And to be honest, I thought it was kind of sweet revenge at first because she cheated on me with him. Now, I see it just caused things to drag out that should have been over and done long ago. And he blocked me long ago when this started. I tried to tell him what was going on so he blocked all access from me and avoided me. So, he's on his own to figure out life's lessons.
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post #23 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 10:01 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

You've heard it all already. I concur with others.

Best you pack up any of her remaining stuff in your house and rent storage for 1 month. Dump it there. Email her and tell her you'll keep the key at some place she can go collect it (not at the house). She has 1 month to get her stuff or it goes poof.

No new woman in your life is going to want to see her stuff still at your house. When my H and I were first starting to know each other, he asked if I'd come to his house and cook us a meal sometime. I knew he'd split from his long term gf over a year before but he'd told me tons of her stuff was still in the house. I told him I would not set foot in his house until all her stuff was gone.

He hired a cleaning crew and 3 days later, her stuff was history.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #24 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 10:32 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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No he doesn't know. I've always known she was doing this behind his back. She just turned this around and started cheating on him with me. I thought she was doing it because she realized she wanted me at first. And to be honest, I thought it was kind of sweet revenge at first because she cheated on me with him. Now, I see it just caused things to drag out that should have been over and done long ago. And he blocked me long ago when this started. I tried to tell him what was going on so he blocked all access from me and avoided me. So, he's on his own to figure out life's lessons.
Ha!!!! Good one!!! He's in denial. Now you can see where you've been for so long.

Time to bring on the new you. Get moving and never look back on this. You deserve better and there are better out there.
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post #25 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 10:35 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

Funny thing.....

I sneaked into POSOM's house.

I heard her talking to him. She was telling him that she is almost over her affair partner. That, when she is over him, she will return to OM's bed.

OM's was begging her to keep her word. Your EXWW was sitting on a chair facing OM. She slowly opened and closed her legs. She continually did this. Under her short skirt she wore no panties.

She tortured the poor guy. And she did it with a crooked smile.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #26 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 11:05 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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You are exactly right. I KNOW this. She has been fine for 5 years while I did everything I could to try to save our family and salvage our relationship. As soon as I meet someone, it hits the fan. Now I'm the one throwing everything away to try with someone I don't even know, according to her.
She has lived with another man for 5 years and she tells YOU that you are throwing it all away???
You must be strong, tell her that the marriage is over and that you have moved on. Stop reading her emails and ask her not to contact you unless its about the children. She is a very manipulative woman who has done NOTHING at all all this time to show you she is in anyway changed. If she comes back it will be more of the same over and over.
Even if this lady doesnt work out, you must be allowed to move on and she is keeping you on a hook right now.
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post #27 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:54 AM
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Re: How to handle this??

Read up and apply it if you want a better future

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post #28 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 07:36 AM
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Re: How to handle this??

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She has always promised me she was coming home where she belonged, but like I said, she never has and is there as I type this. I suggested she end contact with him, find a place to rent for her and the kids, and show me she is worthy of considering this again, but she says she doesn't have a place to go. She says she wants to tell OM and come straight here from his house.

You are the love of her life but she has limited all contact with you to email for 4 years? Uh huh. Does she really believe that? More importantly, do you? Because she's either bat**** crazy or ghastly cruel in her actions.

Have you ever talked to a counselor or other professional about your situation? I'll give you props for (eventually) divorcing but healthy people don't put up with this level of gaslighting. She needs to be excised from your mental and emotional landscape.
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post #29 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 07:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

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She has lived with another man for 5 years and she tells YOU that you are throwing it all away???
You must be strong, tell her that the marriage is over and that you have moved on. Stop reading her emails and ask her not to contact you unless its about the children. She is a very manipulative woman who has done NOTHING at all all this time to show you she is in anyway changed. If she comes back it will be more of the same over and over.
Even if this lady doesnt work out, you must be allowed to move on and she is keeping you on a hook right now.
Yes, she said those exact words to me, but came back quickly with she wouldn't blame for anything because I've been so good to her.

Last edited by allicantake; 03-05-2017 at 08:05 AM. Reason: added text
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post #30 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 08:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

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You are the love of her life but she has limited all contact with you to email for 4 years? Uh huh. Does she really believe that? More importantly, do you? Because she's either bat**** crazy or ghastly cruel in her actions.

Have you ever talked to a counselor or other professional about your situation? I'll give you props for (eventually) divorcing but healthy people don't put up with this level of gaslighting. She needs to be excised from your mental and emotional landscape.
I don't know if she really believes that or not. I KNOW I don't. During this 5 years, I would ask why she was with OM if she's always felt all this love for me and our family. She has always said it was fear. Fear of what might happen if she left OM. Fear of what he might do. She would say "Haven't you watched those movies where the guy flips out when the woman leaves". So, I would ask if she felt he was dangerous because the kids don't need to be around that. She would always respond with no, he would never touch the kids....I just don't know what he would do to me. Says she's always felt trapped like a woman in an abusive relationship only she says he's NEVER been abusive. Says she just knows he gets loud when arguing. Heck, she's even told me she hates him. Thought she loved him in the beginning but hasn't in years.

I just heard last week that she was at a funeral for a member of his family. She was with OM there. I was told they sure act like they care about each other and that OM treats her like a princess. But of course she denies even going to the funeral....says OM didn't even go. Thing is this OM is distant kin to me, so this lady that passed away was my Dad's 1st cousin. My Dad was asked to be the minister at the funeral. He had to decline because of the feelings about all this.
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