How to handle this?? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 08:40 AM
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Re: How to handle this??

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Originally Posted by allicantake View Post
I don't know if she really believes that or not. I KNOW I don't. During this 5 years, I would ask why she was with OM if she's always felt all this love for me and our family. She has always said it was fear. Fear of what might happen if she left OM. Fear of what he might do. She would say "Haven't you watched those movies where the guy flips out when the woman leaves". So, I would ask if she felt he was dangerous because the kids don't need to be around that. She would always respond with no, he would never touch the kids....I just don't know what he would do to me. Says she's always felt trapped like a woman in an abusive relationship only she says he's NEVER been abusive. Says she just knows he gets loud when arguing. Heck, she's even told me she hates him. Thought she loved him in the beginning but hasn't in years.

I just heard last week that she was at a funeral for a member of his family. She was with OM there. I was told they sure act like they care about each other and that OM treats her like a princess. But of course she denies even going to the funeral....says OM didn't even go. Thing is this OM is distant kin to me, so this lady that passed away was my Dad's 1st cousin. My Dad was asked to be the minister at the funeral. He had to decline because of the feelings about all this.
Wow, your wife is a hot mess right now.


Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #32 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 09:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

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Wow, your wife is a hot mess right now.
EX wife, but yes that's an understatement to take all understatements
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post #33 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 09:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

I think she needs to get away from everyone and live her life on her own for a while with just the kids. She's never going to know who she really is or what she wants in her life until she does that. This running from one man to another, one house to another, searching for whatever it is she's looking for is never gonna work out. She has to find herself and learn to love herself before she's going to be able to even consider loving someone else the right way. But she doesn't want to do that....she wants to just come back here and promise to do anything and everything we could ever want or need to reconcile. If she'd said this in the very beginning of all this, and actually did what she said she would, it would be different. But 5+ years......something's not even close to being right.

She thinks I've met someone else and want to try with someone I don't even know instead of trying with her that I spent most all my adult life with. She thinks I've already fallen for the other woman. That's not really what's going on though. I have been alone all this time, trying to salvage our relationship. What really happened is that I'm starting to realize that there's life out there after divorce. That there's other women that might be interested in a 44 year old divorced Dad with 3 kids. This woman has already shown me that there is happiness to be had when I felt I'd always be alone.
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post #34 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:04 AM
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Re: How to handle this??

Brother, there are things that hurt us that are not in our control and we must learn to understand ourselves and how those circumstances guide us to accept such things as simply life's challenges and a path to self-governing terms of such suffering.

Then there is where you find yourself today.

5 years you have wandered this emotional desert and you have finally found a small oasis and taken a small sip of refreshing, life-giving connectivity of someone who truly may care for you, yet you look back to the desert because it is all you remember having known, and in that knowing that it easily leads to certain death in time, most likely suffering and alone.

There are many things that we don’t want to come about but have to accept, people we think we can’t live without but need to let go. We don't want these lessons, but learning them needs to happen to remove those thing that hurt us as we forget the pain but remembering that which brought it so we do not walk that path to the desert again.

Time to stop worrying about what your ex thinks and feels about you... the desert really doesn't care about your feelings as you suffer in it... it is about the conditions it balances in it's heart... welcoming in all it needs to keep itself healthy in it's own ecosystem and what doesn't fit... dies.

Simply, you do not fit and the result is obvious.

Regain your strength at your oasis... you truly fit much better there and survival depends on it. As your thirst is quenched and your dehydration subsides, your mirages will lesson and the path you need out of the desert will become clear.

Lead your children...
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post #35 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:11 AM
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Re: How to handle this??

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Originally Posted by allicantake View Post
I don't know if she really believes that or not. I KNOW I don't. During this 5 years, I would ask why she was with OM if she's always felt all this love for me and our family. She has always said it was fear. Fear of what might happen if she left OM. Fear of what he might do. She would say "Haven't you watched those movies where the guy flips out when the woman leaves". So, I would ask if she felt he was dangerous because the kids don't need to be around that. She would always respond with no, he would never touch the kids....I just don't know what he would do to me. Says she's always felt trapped like a woman in an abusive relationship only she says he's NEVER been abusive. Says she just knows he gets loud when arguing. Heck, she's even told me she hates him. Thought she loved him in the beginning but hasn't in years.

I just heard last week that she was at a funeral for a member of his family. She was with OM there. I was told they sure act like they care about each other and that OM treats her like a princess. But of course she denies even going to the funeral....says OM didn't even go. Thing is this OM is distant kin to me, so this lady that passed away was my Dad's 1st cousin. My Dad was asked to be the minister at the funeral. He had to decline because of the feelings about all this.
She is telling you what she wants you to hear. This nonsense about her being afraid of leaving is clearly an excuse. The marriage is over and the only contact you need now is specifically do with the children and nothing more.
I think you need to stop responding to her at all.
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post #36 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

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Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist View Post
Brother, there are things that hurt us that are not in our control and we must learn to understand ourselves and how those circumstances guide us to accept such things as simply life's challenges and a path to self-governing terms of such suffering.

Then there is where you find yourself today.

5 years you have wandered this emotional desert and you have finally found a small oasis and taken a small sip of refreshing, life-giving connectivity of someone who truly may care for you, yet you look back to the desert because it is all you remember having known, and in that knowing that it easily leads to certain death in time, most likely suffering and alone.

There are many things that we don’t want to come about but have to accept, people we think we can’t live without but need to let go. We don't want these lessons, but learning them needs to happen to remove those thing that hurt us as we forget the pain but remembering that which brought it so we do not walk that path to the desert again.

Time to stop worrying about what your ex thinks and feels about you... the desert really doesn't care about your feelings as you suffer in it... it is about the conditions it balances in it's heart... welcoming in all it needs to keep itself healthy in it's own ecosystem and what doesn't fit... dies.

Simply, you do not fit and the result is obvious.

Regain your strength at your oasis... you truly fit much better there and survival depends on it. As your thirst is quenched and your dehydration subsides, your mirages will lesson and the path you need out of the desert will become clear.

Lead your children...
Wow. That is exactly how I feel right now.
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post #37 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: How to handle this??

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Originally Posted by allicantake View Post
Wow. That is exactly how I feel right now.
Your oasis has been filled by things in motion you perhaps cannot see right now, but they nonetheless exist for a reason, squander them not.

Then trust yourself... I would say you have wandered enough.

Peace be with you as you enjoy life refreshed.
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post #38 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

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Your oasis has been filled by things in motion you perhaps cannot see right now, but they nonetheless exist for a reason, squander them not.

Then trust yourself... I would say you have wandered enough.

Peace be with you as you enjoy life refreshed.
Thank you
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post #39 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:36 AM
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Re: How to handle this??

Under no circumstances do you let her back in your home. You've wasted way to much time on this already. You're still young and can have a good life but it won't be possible going in that direction.

Make sure you change the locks if you haven't.

If need be file and RO on her but get those boundaries in place.

Hopefully she won't show up this weekend.

She's not your problem anymore.

Maybe have a talk with your kids. Something along the lines of "to much damage" not going through it again, etc. I'm assuming they know how this all transpired.
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post #40 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: How to handle this??

Cut out email replies unless it's child related only!!!!!

Might be a good idea to tell her the boundaries going forward and you will never allow her back, etc. be FIRM but civil

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post #41 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

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Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Under no circumstances do you let her back in your home. You've wasted way to much time on this already. You're still young and can have a good life but it won't be possible going in that direction.

Make sure you change the locks if you haven't.

If need be file and RO on her but get those boundaries in place.

Hopefully she won't show up this weekend.

She's not your problem anymore.

Maybe have a talk with your kids. Something along the lines of "to much damage" not going through it again, etc. I'm assuming they know how this all transpired.
Oh yes, my kids know EVERYTHING. She put them smack in the middle of this from the start by meeting him while they were with her. I even got video early on from a PI that showed all my kids with my then wife and the OM. Also, they live in the house he bought with my XW all week. I have already talked to them about this. Yesterday, actually. And no, she hasn't shown up. She's just doing the same thing she's done for 5 years.....saying she'll be home this weekend with no real intent to do it. I just threw a wrench in her usual routine by telling her I'd met someone this weekend.
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post #42 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:26 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

There is an email option. It's called SPAM or JUNK whichever is relevant to you. I would suggest you use it. Send a final email stating you will no longer be corresponding with her unless it is child related. When she replies, don't even open it. Mark it spam or junk and send them there. Please stop replying to this woman. This is wrong on so many levels. Just move ahead with your life. As another poster stated, no woman is going to want to be with someone who has a relationship with his ex like you do. There is no room as long as you keep this up.
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post #43 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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You are exactly right. I KNOW this. She has been fine for 5 years while I did everything I could to try to save our family and salvage our relationship. As soon as I meet someone, it hits the fan. Now I'm the one throwing everything away to try with someone I don't even know, according to her.
So what?
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post #44 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:40 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

Oh FFS.

Cut your ex out of your life to the furthest degree possible, and do it NOW.

Unfriend and block her on any and all social media.

Redirect her emails to a specific folder nested in your inbox, and check the folder ONLY when she has the kids. Reply to noting that doesn't explicitly concern the kids.

If she keeps up the "when I come home" bull****, attach the following to your emails as a signature of sorts...

"You're not 'coming home'.

We've divorced.

We're done.

We're over.

As a serial wayward, you no longer have any value to me as a spouse.

In fact, there is no place for you anywhere in my life other than as a co-parent to our children, and once we've seen that task through to each of their adulthoods, that will also be over.

I've moved on.

You should too."

On a side note, it's pretty likely that she had other affairs that you never discovered.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #45 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:15 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

All, don't you think its time to take back your life and get your groove back....she is one hell of a cake eater if ever i seen one...i am honestly surprised you put up with this for 5 years....i realize your patience man but, my god sir, let's face it don't you think you deserve a relationship with an honest and loving partner?
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