How to handle this?? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #46 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:12 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

From what you have posted, it seems that you would really like for your wife to be a loving, faithful wife, and a good, stable mother to your children within the family. But you know that’s not going to happen, which is why you divorced her. However, you have continued to have hope based on her empty promises over the years.

She has told you why she is doing this. It’s because she’s afraid. She wants to make sure that she has an out if she needs it. In her mind, you are that out.

How we know that someone is telling the truth is if their words, actions, and attitudes all match seamlessly. This is not what is happening with her. She has told you that her main concern is that she has not place to go if you don’t take her back. But it’s over between you and has been for years. She is living in a fantasy land where she sees you as an option. Blow that up for her.

You want to move on – right? You have done all the work and seen nothing for it, now your ex is trying to make you feel bad for looking for love. News Flash: She left you. You have been divorced for almost four years and separated for five years. You have no relationship together anymore. You are just her failsafe.

It doesn't matter what she thinks or feels. She has not followed through and now she is trying to stop you from moving on. She has had you in her back pocket. She has shown nothing that indicates there has been any real, serious, or permanent change of heart on her behalf. Let her go and move forward.

Tell her that you are through with her and moving on. From now on you don't want to have any personal conversations with her. The only communication will be about the children. The two of you have been over for a long time and you want her to immediately stop bothering you.

Do not respond to anything that isn’t child related. Just ignore it as if she never said or wrote it. If she escalates, continue to ignore her. Eventually she’s get the point. It may take a while, because you’ve enabled her thinking for so long.

Please make a decision to let go of your dreams of a healthy family with her. Let those dreams go. Let her go. You decide. Say it aloud and then move on.



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post #47 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 05:01 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

Man, 5 years and still being strung along. I can understand you wanting things to be healthy and happy with her but from what you've written, it's never going to happen.

I mean, she lied about going to a funeral with the OM. She sounds pathological.

As another poster stated, you need to discover what the parameters of a healthy relationship can be. The problem is, the high-level of dysfunction in your former marriage is making that difficult for you. I'd imagine that the drama you experienced in it, and after it ended, feels safe and almost like a drug to you. I felt the same way about my soon to be over marriage. If there wasn't something to fix or conflict it felt somehow more unstable. It's what happens when people grow accustomed to volatility.

You being open reconciliation has nothing to do with her, the person she was or the person she is now. It has everything to do with returning to what you feel is familiar and safe. Not safe in a literal sense, but rather it makes you feel like life is operating as it should—no matter how messed up the situation really is.

She cheated at least twice, lied about, lied and continues to lie about anything that might challenge the narrative she's crafting for you and only wanted to jump back in once she felt the threads coming apart due to you going out for a date; one date in 5 years! Send an email telling her it's over in as short and congenial way as possible and then only talk to her about your kids.

Last edited by golfpanther; 03-08-2017 at 05:28 PM.
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post #48 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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You are exactly right. I KNOW this. She has been fine for 5 years while I did everything I could to try to save our family and salvage our relationship. As soon as I meet someone, it hits the fan. Now I'm the one throwing everything away to try with someone I don't even know, according to her.
Exactly. She does not love you, she just enjoys having you hanging by a thread begging for crumbs from her.

BTW, the fact that she only contacts you through email yet insists she loves you is beyond bizarre.

Regardless, do not let this woman back into your life and don't say or do anything to give your son any hope. His feelings are normal but you need to gently yet FIRMLY shut the door on any hope he has of reconciliation. He is going through the same uncertainty and torment you are if you're giving him any reason to hope you may reconcile. That is not right. (Even if you are willing to put up with how she has treated you, how can you let her string your son along like that?)
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post #49 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

Dude, tear the damn band aid off already, seriously. Do you have even one shred of dignity left.

I don't see how it is that you haven't changed your email address and moved on with your life. I would probably be tempted to send a copy of the emails to her current spouse so he knows what a piece of work she is and just where it is that he ranks in her world.

Why on earth would her coming back home even be an option. The first time that I got an email like that I would have responded back with a quick "like hell you are" and been done with it from there.

You are being played for a fool. Her and her new spouse are sitting there laughing at you are you just sit there pathetically clinging on to hope that she may throw you a table scrap.

I don't think I've ever put this in a response because it isn't often a phrase that I support or condone but in this case it can't be avoided, grow a pair.

I've got news for you, nobody finds weakness attractive. sitting around pining for lost love when she has been with another man for 5 years is beyond weak. Stop throwing your life away on somebody that clearly isn't worth it.

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
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post #50 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 07:08 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

One thing I've learned from past relationships... Is the way we react to rejection. Please dnt be offended by wat I am saying bcs i am not putting u down in any way. In fact, I admire your determination to make things work for the sake of your children;family.
On the other hand, (speaking from experience) the minute we feel rejected and possibly replaced (especially by sum1we care for deeply) we often find ourselves more determined to be with that person (the one who left us, rejected us etc) and more determined to make it work.
You forgave ur partner for cheating on u the 1st time. And I no that took a lot for u to do. But then she did it again? And to make matters worse she moved on with him. Nobody wants to feel replaced especially by someone u love and trusted.
You sound like u have your head on straight. U sound like a great guy and a great father. U deserve to be with someone who appreciates you.
My children are ages 14, 10, 8 & 7. And they observe everything. They don't miss a beat. My point being, ur children are ur world. Uve said it and we believe it. In other words, Ur children know a lot more than u probably think. So really evauate ur situation. Honestly, what advice would u give them if they were much older of course and in your shoes?
Your ex felt rejection so yes she's gonna wanna come back home and she probably sounded more convincing this time then ever b4. And thats bcs she finally felt wat you've been feeling for far to long. If the 2of u are meant to be then you'll be. But Dnt wait for her. I've waited long enuff. Enjoy urself, go on that other date. And good luck
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post #51 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:15 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

She is a worthless POS human being.... LET HER GO.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #52 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:20 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

@allicantake How's it going? What did you decide to do?


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post #53 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

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@allicantake How's it going? What did you decide to do?
I spent all day yesterday on a second date with the woman I met. We had a wonderful time. I feel so at peace with her. She is a very intelligent person and told me that she knows that my ex is holding me down. Said she wanted to spend time with me and that she really likes me, but I need to do what is best for me and my family. She said if I let my ex come back to please just text her, that she didn't think she could handle talking about it. She got emotional, as did I. I want to know this woman so badly. She has already made me happier than I have been in a VERY long time. But, of course, she wants all of me, and rightfully so. I have told my ex that I think there's been too much damage to recover from, too many years of hurt, and I cannot make promises that we would ever make it even if we tried. I've prayed about it and spent countless hours just thinking about the "what if's". I've thought about my kids so much. My Dad is a preacher and an amazing man in every aspect. He believes in marriage and reconciliation totally. He said, son, I will support any decision you make in this, but there's no way I could take her back if I was in your shoes. The biggest thing for me is living in constant worry if this will ever happen again. Trust. I know what my ex is capable of as I lived through it 3 times.
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post #54 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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I spent all day yesterday on a second date with the woman I met.

She said if I let my ex come back to please just text her, that she didn't think she could handle talking about it. She got emotional, as did I.

But, of course, she wants all of me, and rightfully so.
I'm sorry I read that as "second date" not "20th date". Either my eyes are going or you have a typo there.
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post #55 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

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I'm sorry I read that as "second date" not "20th date". Either my eyes are going or you have a typo there.
No, you read right. It's not what you're thinking though. I've seen her several times, I just classify yesterday as a planned outing....a date. There's a LONG, LONG way to go for either of us if we continue to see each other. We have just been hanging out as friends and having a good time, trying to learn who each other is. There's a connection, I'm just not sure how much yet, and it will take time, A lot of time, to learn it. I'm in no hurry and neither is she. We just enjoy the company.

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post #56 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:23 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

Go slow. Otherwise what might be a good thing will spread like a wildfire and burn out just as quickly.
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post #57 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:24 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

Do yourself a favor and move on - she's playing with you , she will hurt you again - she is not made for a relationship and has issues whether it's immaturity or simply loves to play with men's hearts. Move on my friend, ignore her emails. Life is short to spend it trying to repair a broken woman.


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post #58 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

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Go slow. Otherwise what might be a good thing will spread like a wildfire and burn out just as quickly.
Oh yes, we are. We've talked about it and just want to see where it leads. It might lead to something....it might not. I just know I'm having a good time, laughing, and enjoying life for the first time in a long time. But, like I said, there's no hurry for either of us.
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post #59 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

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Do yourself a favor and move on - she's playing with you , she will hurt you again - she is not made for a relationship and has issues whether it's immaturity or simply loves to play with men's hearts. Move on my friend, ignore her emails. Life is short to spend it trying to repair a broken woman.


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And I'm trying to do just that. Here's the issue....I've always tried to do the right thing in life, whether it's been about me, my marriage, my kids, or anything else. I can't lie, it's eats me up inside to even try. I just don't want to get months or years down the road and wish I'd have done something differently. Just a fault of mine....instead of just living life and enjoying it. I loved my ex wife as much as any man has ever loved a woman, there's no doubt. It absolutely destroyed me when she cheated any and all of the 3 times. It's taken me 5 years this time to just start to get straightened out and enjoy life again. The woman I met has helped tremendously with that. In knowing this, I also know what it would do to me and my children to go through this again after I put my heart back out there to my ex wife. That is what scares me the most, and I don't think I could ever keep from having that feeling. That's no way to have a healthy relationship as you can never completely open your heart to your partner.
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post #60 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

[QUOTE=allicantake;17497698]And I'm trying to do just that. Here's the issue....I've always tried to do the right thing in life, whether it's been about me, my marriage, my kids, or anything else. I can't lie, it's eats me up inside to even try. I just don't want to get months or years down the road and wish I'd have done something differently. Just a fault of mine....instead of just living life and enjoying it. I loved my ex wife as much as any man has ever loved a woman, there's no doubt. It absolutely destroyed me when she cheated any and all of the 3 times. It's taken me 5 years this time to just start to get straightened out and enjoy life again. The woman I met has helped tremendously with that. In knowing this, I also know what it would do to me and my children to go through this again after I put my heart back out there to my ex wife. That is what scares me the most, and I don't think I could ever keep from having that feeling. That's no way to have a healthy relationship as you can never completely open your heart to your partner.[/I know it's easier said than done but you must move on. Even if she comes home it will never be a good relationship since she can't be trusted. Find a way to get over her and move on. She is broken and it's not your job to fix her. You work on yourself and seek happiness my friend.


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