How to handle this?? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:09 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

ALL,

the problem as i see it, is that your vision is one of love and compassion and your ex's vision is one of control and selfishness....those two vision can not be supported in the same household....listen to your father and move on....i suspect that your vision lies closer...much much closer to your lady friend than does your ex. what you love was the woman you married all those years ago, what you see today is the woman she has become and not for the better....don't you owe to your children to show them and demonstrate what a good relationship looks like.....if you go back to your ex, all you are doing is showing your kids that it is okay to cheat and manipulate because there are no repercussions...i don't know about you but as a father of 4 girls that is not the life lesson i want them to see. Choose wisely

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post #62 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:40 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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Originally Posted by allicantake View Post
...I have not dated anyone since the divorce. I've always wanted my family back and been willing to work it out with her. I have always loved her and would have jumped at the chance. She knows this. We share joint custody, I work all week and keep my kids every weekend. She doesn't work so she has all week when the kids are in school plus weekends to herself. Makes it hard for me to do much at all, I'm a Dad first and want my kids to know that. Ok....last week I finally get the courage to put myself out there to see what happens. I meet someone and have been out with her once so far. She has been really great and we both have expressed interest in taking things farther to see where they lead. She's divorced also and doesn't want to get hurt, neither do I. My problem is that my ex told me again last night she was coming home this weekend. Granted, she probably wouldn't have, but I told her I was seeing someone. This took things to a whole new level. Now she says she's ready to do anything and is begging me to let her come home. She still lives with the man she had the affair with. I don't want to make a mistake here and look back and wish I had done something different. My heart is telling me to keep seeing the new woman but what if my ex is sincere now? I know I'll get blasted for even considering my ex, but I can handle it. I need affirmation I'm doing the right things.
You sound like someone who took his marital vows very seriously and wanted nothing more than to keep his family together. You're a catch- and your x wife knows it. Why she threw it away is beyond me, but you deserve happiness. I'd take some time to really think about what you want. You want to do right by your kids and there is no shame in that. Your wife screwed up big time and she knows it. If you are considering giving your x wife another chance, I'd tell her you'll consider it when she is single, living alone (no OM), and is willing to date you for a year. Let her know you'll be dating too. That's your right as a divorced man. Tell your kids that you are going to give it everything you've got, but you need to make sure their mom will not hurt you again. And give it a year to see if she can prove to you she's worth it. In the meantime, she runs the risk of you getting closer to someone else, but that's what happens when you leave your husband.
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post #63 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

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You sound like someone who took his marital vows very seriously and wanted nothing more than to keep his family together. You're a catch- and your x wife knows it. Why she threw it away is beyond me, but you deserve happiness. I'd take some time to really think about what you want. You want to do right by your kids and there is no shame in that. Your wife screwed up big time and she knows it. If you are considering giving your x wife another chance, I'd tell her you'll consider it when she is single, living alone (no OM), and is willing to date you for a year. Let her know you'll be dating too. That's your right as a divorced man. Tell your kids that you are going to give it everything you've got, but you need to make sure their mom will not hurt you again. And give it a year to see if she can prove to you she's worth it. In the meantime, she runs the risk of you getting closer to someone else, but that's what happens when you leave your husband.
You're exactly right, I took my marriage vows seriously. I was young, 18, but I meant what I said that evening in 1992. Yes, I want to do right by my kids.....I love them more than anything. I told my ex to move out of OM house, I'd even help her find a place, and show me she could actually do it. Then we can work on dating again and see how things proceed. She doesn't work, so she says she has no place to go and wants to come here. She wants to leave OM house and come straight here, and that will eliminate any dating for me other than her. She wants it all right from the get-go, and I'm having a really hard time promising that. It leaves no options because I wouldn't put my kids through this again for anything, nor do I want to. If she could move out, it would be different, but as it is, that's not an option in her eyes.
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post #64 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:37 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

Good for you, sounds like you are handling everything correctly. I'd explain that there is no way you can have her move back into the family home but you will help her find a place and consider dating her if she is willing to do the hard work of proving herself to you. I'd let her know that this will take at least a year. And I'd explain this to your kids as well, especially your son who is having the hardest time. Let him know that this is for everyone's safety. That sometimes adults make mistakes and that you care for his mom but you need to know that she can prove that she's learned from her mistakes before you can trust her again.

You sound like a truly devoted man. You deserve a committed, faithful wife.
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post #65 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:16 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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Originally Posted by allicantake View Post
You're exactly right, I took my marriage vows seriously. I was young, 18, but I meant what I said that evening in 1992. Yes, I want to do right by my kids.....I love them more than anything.

Do you think allowing your X to cheat on you so many times and play you for a fool is good for your kids? Is that how you'd like to have seen your father act in your situation?

I told my ex to move out of OM house, I'd even help her find a place, and show me she could actually do it. Then we can work on dating again and see how things proceed. She doesn't work, so she says she has no place to go and wants to come here. She wants to leave OM house and come straight here, and that will eliminate any dating for me other than her.

What have you learned from the last 5 years? Anything?

She wants it all right from the get-go, and I'm having a really hard time promising that. It leaves no options because I wouldn't put my kids through this again for anything, nor do I want to. If she could move out, it would be different, but as it is, that's not an option in her eyes.

It was and still is all about her. You and the kids don't matter much. After all she's put you through you still can't/won't see it. You are about to get played again.
Your other woman will not be around long because you still allow your X in the mix. You are to weak to let go no matter how much your X rubs your nose in it. No woman is going to want half a man which is what you are at this time. I suspect you'll lose both by your actions.

Better wake the hell up. If you're smart.

Last edited by Marc878; 03-09-2017 at 07:20 PM.
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post #66 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:20 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Good for you, sounds like you are handling everything correctly. I'd explain that there is no way you can have her move back into the family home but you will help her find a place and consider dating her if she is willing to do the hard work of proving herself to you. I'd let her know that this will take at least a year. And I'd explain this to your kids as well, especially your son who is having the hardest time. Let him know that this is for everyone's safety. That sometimes adults make mistakes and that you care for his mom but you need to know that she can prove that she's learned from her mistakes before you can trust her again.

You sound like a truly devoted man. You deserve a committed, faithful wife.
sounds like codependency to me.
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post #67 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:26 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

Cut off any unecessary contact with your X and move on with your life like you should have done 5 years ago.

The X's affairs were all on her how you've bungled this nightmare is all on you.

At this time you are the biggest problem not our X.

At least give your kids a father can look up to and have some respect for.

They are your kids and deserve for you to stand up for yourself.

Your father has wisdom. Use it.
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post #68 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 08:03 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

OMG.

I had to skip ahead for fear of my head exploding.

Dude.

WHY ARE YOU SKATING UPHILL!?!

She has put you through the proverbial wringer!

1) IC- you need to get someone to help you with your issues with your ex. You allow her to treat you like poop and keep asking for more. That's not healthy

2) NC - No contact with her that isn't about the kids. E-mails - disregard anything that trails off form the kids. Talking, if it's not about the kids - "Okay I have to go now" and hang up or leave.

3) Eliminate this drama from your life. You sound like she has you so wound up that you're going to pop. Stop the drama. Drop her. She's your ex, get her off that warped pedestal you have her on

We protect ourselves from lies,
By fanatically holding to our own truths.
But when our truths turn to fanaticism,
Our truths become the Lie.
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post #69 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 08:42 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

Quote:
Originally Posted by allicantake View Post
All the replies are exactly what I thought. I only told her I was seeing someone because she told me she was packing her stuff and coming home. I figured it was the easiest way to tell her. My kids really want us together, especially my son. He has had a really hard time with all this. I've done my best to help him with it, but he says he wants dad and mom together. That's really hard on me, but it scares me to death that he might have to go through it again if she came back. Divorced since 2013 and still in this mess. Geez, I have really handled this wrong. I wish I hadn't done all the wrong things early in this.
Kids don't get t make make decisions about the family getting back together. You are the adult. You choose what is best, and getting back together with this cheating, lying snake of a woman is not in their best interest.

Good grief. This woman has castrated you.
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post #70 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:31 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

Is it even your ex that's emailing you? Has she spoken those words to your face these past five years?

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post #71 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:56 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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Dude, tear the damn band aid off already, seriously. Do you have even one shred of dignity left.

I don't see how it is that you haven't changed your email address and moved on with your life. I would probably be tempted to send a copy of the emails to her current spouse so he knows what a piece of work she is and just where it is that he ranks in her world.

Why on earth would her coming back home even be an option. The first time that I got an email like that I would have responded back with a quick "like hell you are" and been done with it from there.

You are being played for a fool. Her and her new spouse are sitting there laughing at you are you just sit there pathetically clinging on to hope that she may throw you a table scrap.

I don't think I've ever put this in a response because it isn't often a phrase that I support or condone but in this case it can't be avoided, grow a pair.

I've got news for you, nobody finds weakness attractive. sitting around pining for lost love when she has been with another man for 5 years is beyond weak. Stop throwing your life away on somebody that clearly isn't worth it.
I'll second this....it's well said...you look weak from the outside and her side....sometimes you have to "man up" even if your not exactly sure what it is....you can't let her interfere with your social life and dating in the future...Sorry to be so blunt but....
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post #72 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 01:26 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

You're a Christian - right? Do you think that God hates divorce and you should do whatever you can to restore your marriage? If this what you think, read this article. I think it will shed some light on the subject.
https://cryingoutforjustice.com/2013...ce-not-always/

Your father realizes that due to the divorce the marriage is over. You are no longer united to your ex-wife. She broke the marriage covenant with adultery and you are no longer bound to her. Walk in freedom, not bondage.


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post #73 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 01:44 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

The best thing for you is the let your wife go. Don't talk to her anymore. You've given her way too many chances already. She adds no value to the family being a worthless SAHM. All she wants is someone to pay her way. Let the OM do it. Spend all you time and all your thoughts on your new relationship.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #74 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 02:24 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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Originally Posted by allicantake View Post
She doesn't work, so she says she has no place to go and wants to come here. .
You're so close to finally being free of this nightmare. If you take the final step, you'll finally have a chance at some happiness and you finally have some self pride. The only thing worse for your life would be if your ex-wife actually did come back. Fortunately for you, she's not actually coming back. She has this sick pleasure of watching you from a distance wasting your life away pining for her. If she cared about you, she would not have made so many broken promises to you promising to come back to you. She's very cruel and self-centered.
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post #75 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

You are a wonderful father, and an amazingly forgiving, patient, loving spouse from the sound of everything. You are still in love with your ex-wife.

For your children, they don't care what went down, they just want mommy and daddy together. As parents we do anything we can to hold that home life together, and give them that haven we know they all deserve.

Then one parent shatters it. As the other parent, and as a spouse that has never known an adult life outside of loving this person, you think, "How do I move on?" It seems impossible. You selflessly extend reconciliation. In your case, multiple times. She knows that you are so in love with her. That you want to turn back time and have back the family that was. Yet, she has been given second and third chances, and probably even hundredth and two hundredth chances as far as you listening to the "I'm coming home this weekend" statements. Her words mean so much to you, yet she has showed your for so long that your wants and needs have no importance to her whatsoever. How brutal.

I agree that you really do need to stop any communicating with her other than strictly to do with the kids, and at that, very minimally. I'm afraid you aren't willing to do that yet. Maybe you won't ever be?

I think it is unfair to romantically bring in another innocent party, if you are still in love with your wife. Yet, I think you may need to date and fall for someone else to finally get over your wife. How can you have both? I guess you have to be very honest (like you have been with second date lady) and go slow and have full disclosure with anyone. I agree with other posters that there are not many women who would be willing to date a man who is still in love with their ex. It's all easy for everyone on an Internet forum to tell you how to feel and what to think and do. Real feelings and emotions are rarely that cut and dry for most of us. Even if we know what we should do on an intellectual level, our hearts are a whole different matter.

I hope that you can find the right balance so that you can move on with your life, and have a partner that is as loyal as you are. You deserve that, and the time is overdue for it to happen.

Ciao,

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