How to handle this?? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

Two thoughts. One, it's great for your kids that you spent the last five years not dating. My mom didn't date after my dad left and that was a blessing for me and my self esteem.

BUT...them seeing you not date and putting two and two together - and remember that, to kids, you and their mom are their universe, so they watch every single move you make, and don't make - and are understanding that you are sitting there, pining away for mommy and mommy not giving you the time of day, until now. Trust me, they'll find all this out. And what are they learning? That men are whipped, women are cruel and selfish and use people, and that is how THEY are going to turn out, because we all turn out like our parents. AND, we end up searching for partners just like the parent who hurt us worse (see the book Getting The Love You Want to understand this). So not only are they getting skewed view of weak men and cruel women, they will end up picking one for their partner - unless YOU step up and show them what a healthy, happy NON-whipped father acts like.

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post #77 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:51 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Two thoughts. One, it's great for your kids that you spent the last five years not dating. My mom didn't date after my dad left and that was a blessing for me and my self esteem.

BUT...them seeing you not date and putting two and two together - and remember that, to kids, you and their mom are their universe, so they watch every single move you make, and don't make - and are understanding that you are sitting there, pining away for mommy and mommy not giving you the time of day, until now. Trust me, they'll find all this out. And what are they learning? That men are whipped, women are cruel and selfish and use people, and that is how THEY are going to turn out, because we all turn out like our parents. AND, we end up searching for partners just like the parent who hurt us worse (see the book Getting The Love You Want to understand this). So not only are they getting skewed view of weak men and cruel women, they will end up picking one for their partner - unless YOU step up and show them what a healthy, happy NON-whipped father acts like.
I agree with half of this. Yes, this is what they will see. However, people do not turn out just like their parents. They may or may not have a different outcome. I do believe that behaviors are passed down from generation to generation, but not always. Sometimes kids see the dysfunction and actively make different choices so they do not turn out the same way. I know a lot of people like that.

However, now is the time to start teaching your children differently. Actively working to teach them healthy relationship principles and habits. It all starts at home. You have the power to teach your children what healthy boundaries look like and how to enforce them in a calm, peaceful, but firm manner. This really is an opportunity for you to shine.

The idea is not not just expect the children to learn from watching, but to actively be involved in teaching them concepts that will help them to be healthy individuals with good boundaries. Not only so they will be healthy, productive members of society, but so they will learn to choose healthy people and to make healthy relationships.


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post #78 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:47 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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My kids really want us together, especially my son.
You really can't back with such a toxic person just because your kids want you too. Sounds like they don't know all of the details and the level of betrayal that she put you through. How could you ever consider it? The anguish of what you went through comes through clearly in your first post. Enjoy the new woman and go dark with your ex. Just deal with her about the kids. Ignore her for anything else. You need to do this for your own sake.

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post #79 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 01:17 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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You really can't back with such a toxic person just because your kids want you too. Sounds like they don't know all of the details and the level of betrayal that she put you through. How could you ever consider it? The anguish of what you went through comes through clearly in your first post. Enjoy the new woman and go dark with your ex. Just deal with her about the kids. Ignore her for anything else. You need to do this for your own sake.
Kids want a stable, happy family where their parents love each other and are committed to each other. You can't give your children that life with this woman. She is toxic and unwilling to change.


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