How to handle this?? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 06:48 AM Thread Starter
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How to handle this??

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Wife and I were married 21 years before we divorced. She had a 4 month affair 7 years into marriage, then another that led to our divorce. I always felt we had a good marriage other than the short affair she had early on. I forgave, never forgot, and moved on. We never really even talked about it when it was over. We didn't fight, there were no addictions, nothing. She says we didn't communicate well enough. I agree that we didn't do all we needed to. We have 3 children aged 16, 13, and 7. We got married in 1992 and divorced in 2013. The last affair started on facebook and was a whirlwind. I suspected her around Christmas 2011 and found proof in February. She swore to end it with him but never did. He bought a house for them in the town where we live and she moved out in November 2012. I read every book I could read, every website, every blog. She was so in love with him that nothing would stop her. I filed but postponed the divorce 3 times because she said she didn't want to lose our family and wanted to reconcile. She has always said she was leaving him and coming home through email. Yes, email is the only communication she uses with me and has been for about 4 years. She's said that she'll be home on this day or that day probably a thousand times. Every time there's an excuse why she didn't leave him. She's never stopped saying that she loves me and only me. Says she made the biggest mistake of her life. Says there's been no sex between them for over 2 years She has promised to do everything we could ever need to reconcile but always adds "when I get back home" to the end. So, I've been on this rollercoaster from hell for over 5 years. Now for me....I have not dated anyone since the divorce. I've always wanted my family back and been willing to work it out with her. I have always loved her and would have jumped at the chance. She knows this. We share joint custody, I work all week and keep my kids every weekend. She doesn't work so she has all week when the kids are in school plus weekends to herself. Makes it hard for me to do much at all, I'm a Dad first and want my kids to know that. Ok....last week I finally get the courage to put myself out there to see what happens. I meet someone and have been out with her once so far. She has been really great and we both have expressed interest in taking things farther to see where they lead. She's divorced also and doesn't want to get hurt, neither do I. My problem is that my ex told me again last night she was coming home this weekend. Granted, she probably wouldn't have, but I told her I was seeing someone. This took things to a whole new level. Now she says she's ready to do anything and is begging me to let her come home. She still lives with the man she had the affair with. I don't want to make a mistake here and look back and wish I had done something different. My heart is telling me to keep seeing the new woman but what if my ex is sincere now? I know I'll get blasted for even considering my ex, but I can handle it. I need affirmation I'm doing the right things.

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post #2 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 06:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

I posted when this affair first began if you would like to look it up by my name. I got really good advice then, but my heart didn't handle it well so I did a lot of things wrong and I'm still in a mess that should have been over long ago.
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post #3 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 02:31 PM
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Please. Move on. You deserve someone much better. If she wanted to come home, she would have already. She should have never cheated in the first place.
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post #4 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 02:44 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

So she doesn't want you, isn't prepared to be faithful to you, but as soon as she knows you are dating again she comes running. The marriage is over, you are single, please move on. She is only doing this because she doesn't want you to be with anyone else. She is being very selfish, not wanting you to move on and be happy again.

Some advise, dont share ANYTHING about your personal private life with her. Keep ALL contact just about the children.
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post #5 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 02:59 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

You are her Plan B -- to be kept dangling on a string until she feels she needs you to rescue her. Right now, she doesn't. Is that really what you want?

If it isn't, then you need to stop listening to her stories and move on. Today.
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post #6 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 03:05 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

You shouldn't have mentioned the new woman to your ex-wife. Now she feels her Plan B slipping away and she doesn't like it.

No, don't let her come home (and stop communicating unless it relates to your children). Yes, keep seeing the new woman.
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post #7 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 03:11 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

Plus -- she's cheated twice. What makes you think she is capable of being faithful if you gave her another chance? All you would be doing is risking your children having to go through another divorce at some point.

You gave her a second chance and she threw it away. Don't give her a third one.
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post #8 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 07:26 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

I would move on, it has been quite a few years and she is still lying to you.

This new girl might just be the one for you, get off the roller coaster and create a life for yourself that will make you happy.



You do matter!
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post #9 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 07:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

All the replies are exactly what I thought. I only told her I was seeing someone because she told me she was packing her stuff and coming home. I figured it was the easiest way to tell her. My kids really want us together, especially my son. He has had a really hard time with all this. I've done my best to help him with it, but he says he wants dad and mom together. That's really hard on me, but it scares me to death that he might have to go through it again if she came back. Divorced since 2013 and still in this mess. Geez, I have really handled this wrong. I wish I hadn't done all the wrong things early in this.
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post #10 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 07:47 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

Quote:
Originally Posted by allicantake View Post

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Wife and I were married 21 years before we divorced.
Quote:
Originally Posted by allicantake View Post
I read every book I could read, every website, every blog. She was so in love with him that nothing would stop her. I filed but postponed the divorce 3 times because she said she didn't want to lose our family and wanted to reconcile. She has always said she was leaving him and coming home through email. Yes, email is the only communication she uses with me and has been for about 4 years. She's said that she'll be home on this day or that day probably a thousand times. Every time there's an excuse why she didn't leave him. She's never stopped saying that she loves me and only me. Says she made the biggest mistake of her life. Says there's been no sex between them for over 2 years She has promised to do everything we could ever need to reconcile but always adds "when I get back home" to the end. So, I've been on this rollercoaster from hell for over 5 years. Now for me....I have not dated anyone since the divorce. I've always wanted my family back and been willing to work it out with her. I have always loved her and would have jumped at the chance. She knows this. We share joint custody, I work all week and keep my kids every weekend. She doesn't work so she has all week when the kids are in school plus weekends to herself. Makes it hard for me to do much at all, I'm a Dad first and want my kids to know that. Ok....last week I finally get the courage to put myself out there to see what happens. I meet someone and have been out with her once so far. She has been really great and we both have expressed interest in taking things farther to see where they lead. She's divorced also and doesn't want to get hurt, neither do I. My problem is that my ex told me again last night she was coming home this weekend. Granted, she probably wouldn't have, but I told her I was seeing someone. This took things to a whole new level. Now she says she's ready to do anything and is begging me to let her come home. She still lives with the man she had the affair with. I don't want to make a mistake here and look back and wish I had done something different. My heart is telling me to keep seeing the new woman but what if my ex is sincere now? I know I'll get blasted for even considering my ex, but I can handle it. I need affirmation I'm doing the right things.
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Divorced since 2013 and still in this mess. Geez, I have really handled this wrong. I wish I hadn't done all the wrong things early in this.
I'm confused. You said that your wife had put off the divorce three times and you're on a roller coaster about it, but then you say several times that you're divorced. Are you legally divorced?


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post #11 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 08:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

I was the one that postponed the divorce 3 times before finally going through with it. She would tell me she wanted to come home and work it out so I would postpone the court date. I filed the divorce, I postponed it, and I went through with it in Oct. 2013. But she started the first day after she left talking about how she only loves me and wanted to work it out. She's kept that up the ENTIRE time, but has never left the OM. She is still with him, living in his house, as I type this. But, she's burning my email up, saying she's different now, knows so much more, and knows where her heart is and who she's always loved. Says she made the worst mistake anyone could make and swears she'll spend the rest of her life proving it to me if I let her come back. I have never told her she couldn't come back, but have said she had to do what we needed. She just knows about this other woman now and it's caused a flood of emails. My ex left in Nov. 2012 to live with OM. She has never admitted she wanted to be with him. She has always promised me she was coming home where she belonged, but like I said, she never has and is there as I type this. I suggested she end contact with him, find a place to rent for her and the kids, and show me she is worthy of considering this again, but she says she doesn't have a place to go. She says she wants to tell OM and come straight here from his house.
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post #12 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 08:06 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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All the replies are exactly what I thought. I only told her I was seeing someone because she told me she was packing her stuff and coming home. I figured it was the easiest way to tell her. My kids really want us together, especially my son. He has had a really hard time with all this. I've done my best to help him with it, but he says he wants dad and mom together. That's really hard on me, but it scares me to death that he might have to go through it again if she came back. Divorced since 2013 and still in this mess. Geez, I have really handled this wrong. I wish I hadn't done all the wrong things early in this.
Is it really up to her? Come on man!
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post #13 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 08:20 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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I have not dated anyone since the divorce. I've always wanted my family back and been willing to work it out with her. I have always loved her and would have jumped at the chance. She knows this.
Well, there's your problem. One, because SHE KNOWS you're her little biotch. Two, because you've never gone out into the real world and seen what a real, loving, caring woman LOOKS like, so you can compare the sh*t sandwich you've been fed for 20 years to a decent relationship.
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post #14 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 08:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle this??

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Well, there's your problem. One, because SHE KNOWS you're her little biotch. Two, because you've never gone out into the real world and seen what a real, loving, caring woman LOOKS like, so you can compare the sh*t sandwich you've been fed for 20 years to a decent relationship.
You are exactly right. I KNOW this. She has been fine for 5 years while I did everything I could to try to save our family and salvage our relationship. As soon as I meet someone, it hits the fan. Now I'm the one throwing everything away to try with someone I don't even know, according to her.
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post #15 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 08:30 PM
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Re: How to handle this??

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But she started the first day after she left talking about how she only loves me and wanted to work it out. She's kept that up the ENTIRE time, but has never left the OM. She is still with him, living in his house, as I type this. But, she's burning my email up, saying she's different now, knows so much more, and knows where her heart is and who she's always loved. Says she made the worst mistake anyone could make and swears she'll spend the rest of her life proving it to me if I let her come back. I have never told her she couldn't come back, but have said she had to do what we needed. She just knows about this other woman now and it's caused a flood of emails. My ex left in Nov. 2012 to live with OM. She has never admitted she wanted to be with him. She has always promised me she was coming home where she belonged, but like I said, she never has and is there as I type this. I suggested she end contact with him, find a place to rent for her and the kids, and show me she is worthy of considering this again, but she says she doesn't have a place to go. She says she wants to tell OM and come straight here from his house.
Start paying attention to her actions, not her words. She is taking no ACTION to earn you back. She just says the magic words whenever she feels you are wriggling out of her grip. As long as you keep falling for it, she'll keep doing it and you'll never get the distance you need to regain your equilibrium.

If she wasn't sincere the first 99 times, she's not sincere this 100th time.

She doesn't love or respect you. She just treats you like a possession she no longer cares about, but doesn't want anyone else to have, in case something goes wrong with the one she prefers.
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