Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #31 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced

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Originally Posted by DepressedDiva View Post
It sounds like she was romanced & stolen away by a jerk during a vulnerable time.
Every guys dream woman.


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post #32 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:00 PM
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Re: Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced

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A while ago I said that I'd try again with her but there would be no guarantees and I'm not going to limit myself to just her (stupid to say), but she cannot see anyone else. She was hurt that I wouldn't give her the same level of exclusiveness that she was required to give but said yes.
So basically she is desperate. People committing out of desperation are not the safest people to have relationships with.

She also brought another man into her bed are you cool with that? Whose idea was that? If it was hers and you wouldn't be cool if you had a problem with that.

It's your life man but I say just enjoy the attention for a while and make no commitments. I don't really understand why you want to end up with this women. She had 3 kids from her marriage with the guy she cheated on you with. That doesn't sound like the path to happiness.

Enjoy the karma and enjoy her company.

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post #33 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:10 PM
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Re: Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced

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I don't normally go to anonymous people on the internet who could be anyone from a 12-year-old boy to a hobbit that lives under a bridge, but here I am.

In 2007 my wife left me for another man. It took me a long time to realize and accept it, but we both made mistakes. My ex-wife left before getting physical with that man, so there was no physical cheating. I have come to accept that I pushed my ex-wife away. I didn't listen to her, refused to spend time with her unless it was on my terms, didn't help her enough with our children, didn't romance her - at all. She tried to tell me so many times that things needed to change and I didn't listen. We had been married for 3 years at the time, and we were 25 and 27. In hindsight, we were too young and my ex-wife agrees.

My ex-wife met a man at work and fell for him. He was what pushed her to leave me. 2 months after our divorce was finalized, a year after she left, they married (2008).

This man is the total opposite of me. He's taller, a gym buff/ripped, more successful, more active/adventurous. My ex-wife and I still have each other on Facebook and over the years I've watched what she's posted with him. When we were married we had a small wedding and spent around $6000. When they married they had a huge extravagant wedding with a few hundred people. The base price for their venue was 60 grand, I looked it up. Never in a million years did she want that when we were together. She posted pictures of them rock climbing, marathons, skywalks, travelling to more exotic places. Things she never showed an interest in while we were together. After she had our kids she didn't want to do anything other than parent.

It makes me wonder, is that the real her? Who did she show her true self to, me or him. They separated Jan. 2016 and are now divorced. My ex-wife caught him having a full blown affair with someone half his age.

Over the last year my ex-wife and I have been getting closer again. We have been spending more time together as a family and alone. We haven't told our kids anything. Two weeks ago we had sex and she has been a bit clingy since then. I have had relationships since our divorce, but nothing that was good enough to commit to. I want to make an attempt to reconcile with my ex-wife, and she seems to want to as well.

My ex-wife and I have 13 year old and 12 year old. She has a 6 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old with her more recent ex-husband.

Does reconciliation after divorce ever work out? Am I just being a moron?
You could always be a better husband, no excuse at all for her choice to cheat whether emotionally or not. Until she gets the underlying issues resolved she will continue in the same paths. When we divorce snd remarry we often think we are fixing yhe problem (someone else) when in reality the problem is us. She most certainly needs to get her fixed or you guys will go round 2. You have stuff to learn as well, but dont think for a minute you need to be sorry for her choice. A change in heart is only thing to prevent a relapse. What happens if you get cancer? Is she remorseful?
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post #34 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced

You guys are right. This is a disaster waiting to happen. I'm not her type, she came running back when her 2nd husband cheated on her, I'm her safety net.

I haven't had an amazing relationship since our divorce, so parts of me are still hanging onto her. I use to be one of the people that thought everything happened for a reason. That is probably shining through. Our kids have no memory of us ever being together so "trying for the kids" doesn't really apply. We get along right now, if things go south the kids could suffer from a bad co-parent relationship.

So I've got 2 options, don't take it seriously and see how it goes. Just have enjoy the company with zero commitment and enjoy the sex. Right now it seems like she'd do anything I asked her. OR call it quits and stay co-parents and nothing more.
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post #35 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:50 PM
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Re: Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced

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You guys are right. This is a disaster waiting to happen. I'm not her type, she came running back when her 2nd husband cheated on her, I'm her safety net.

I haven't had an amazing relationship since our divorce, so parts of me are still hanging onto her. I use to be one of the people that thought everything happened for a reason. That is probably shining through. Our kids have no memory of us ever being together so "trying for the kids" doesn't really apply. We get along right now, if things go south the kids could suffer from a bad co-parent relationship.

So I've got 2 options, don't take it seriously and see how it goes. Just have enjoy the company with zero commitment and enjoy the sex. Right now it seems like she'd do anything I asked her. OR call it quits and stay co-parents and nothing more.
She seems like she'd do anything you'd ask of her, because she's auditioning to become your wife again. Once she realizes she isn't going to get that role back, she will stop pretending. It's your life of course, we can only offer opinions, but I'd end this, and move on. If you continue, you'll fall back in love with her again.. people always catch feelings in these situations, when they think it's only about sex.
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post #36 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced

You can't have sex with the ex and just leave it at that. Your relationship with her has to be as far as the kids go and THAT IS IT. Anything else is just asking to have your heart and your brain ripped out this time.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #37 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:13 PM
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Re: Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced

Having sex with your ex wife is going to build a bond that you don't seem all that gung-ho about wanting.

Once it's built up (especially for her) it'll be harder and more painful to break (again).

Go find a woman who is not your wife, is available, and is more compatible with you.

Oh, and ETA: having read your previous posts, your ex wife really sounds like she can't be alone for very long. That's not healthy.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #38 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced

Yeah, fair enough. I don't want to admit it and get flamed but there is a part of me that wants to lead her on and hurt her. A) that is for d-bags, B) it will negatively affect our kids, C) she's been hurt enough lately. The karma bus came, that should be enough.

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Having sex with your ex wife is going to build a bond that you don't seem all that gung-ho about wanting.

Once it's built up (especially for her) it'll be harder and more painful to break (again).

Go find a woman who is not your wife, is available, and is more compatible with you.

Oh, and ETA: having read your previous posts, your ex wife really sounds like she can't be alone for very long. That's not healthy.
You're last sentence is correct. She went from high school relationships back to back, then met me, then her latest ex-husband, now back to me. I think this is the longest she has been single since she was a teenager.
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post #39 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:24 PM
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Re: Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced

No. Don't marry her ever and make sure she knows that will never be in the cards.

If she is ok with that then be companions.

I personally would never take a woman back that ever chose someone over me, especially after taking vows.

Top it off with the fact she is a cheater and I don't see the attraction anymore.

If she is making you feel good and your life is better, keep seeing her but never put a ring on it.
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post #40 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:35 PM
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Re: Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post

I think I'd just stay single
These other posters DO make a good case. They really do. I am not as bitter as some others. At least not every day!!

So.......do not marry her.

So......enjoy her company, her cooking, her oyster.

So......now, you are in the drivers seat. You see her, or you don't. You will have the best of both worlds...for a while.

So......she will use every feminine wile to get her ring back from you. Enjoy her effort....while it lasts.

So......see her when you get lonely. Seeing your kids would be nice. I love kids...do you?

She threw away your marriage. Let's see if she can muster another dude to haul her ashes with five pretty children in tow. She might find another man. He will not be as good as you.

Keep her as a friend with benefits, nothing more. That is likely what you are to her. Do not tie up your finances with hers. Pay your child support only. Buy the kids gifts if you like.

Bring groceries over on occasion. Take them all out to eat at some kid friendly restaurant.

This I guarantee, this women will reward you ten-fold until she gets you to re-marry her. That day need never come. Treat her REALLY NICE.

Again, this is if you really like her. AND,if you can pull the plug sometime down-stream. Pull the plug and let her boat sink for good, if she misbehaves.

After a year or two, you may tire of her. Then find another women to make your wife.

On reflection, this is a better option. This will be the best wake up call for her.

She dumped you for a rich handsome guy. You string her along for a year or two, never marrying her. At some point in the not so far out future, you tell her goodbye. She will force your hand, anyway.

But, this is bad advice. It will take nerves of steel. If I lightly tap your head with a wrench.....will it go clunk?


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #41 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:42 PM
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Re: Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced

Too much baggage. I would not seriously start a relationship with her because it would complicate things with the kids, she needs help not someone to take advantage of her at this point and I would think you would want a better role model for the kids for her. Give her advice to seek help for herself and her-self worth.

I could never enter a relationship with someone I do not respect nor treat as my equal. This would only damage her further and she would degrade herself to buy your love over the competition. For the sake of you children, and if you deem yourself a decent human being, just end this farce.

She needs help not someone else using her. You do not need the baggage nor to play the white knight. I am not saying there is no chance for a reconciliation, but if that possibility is going to happen, let her heal and seek help. You want the odds that you both hold the tools and have the right personality to make a long-term relationship work.

How are your own issues? Do you get feelings of satisfaction that she would degrade herself for you? Would you rather have this power that you can abuse over her because of her desperation and low self-worth and will you be willing to exasterbate her mental well-being or just be cordial and advise her to seek help so she can be strong role model for the kids?

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post #42 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:45 PM
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Re: Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced

To answer your question..yes, my aunt divorced my uncle immediately after he had a ONS. A few years later, they remarried and were married until he died. They had a good 40+ years, and three kids.

Ciao,

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post #43 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:46 PM
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First of all you should have cut off the contact with her after she left you.

Reading between the lines she had an affair which you probably never suspected or even thought about. Reading your post I suspect she blameshifted the whole divorce and you like many betrayed spouse swallowed it all.

You seem to be the Mr Nics Guy type who gets walked on, etc.

You need to cut ties with this or you'll just got through this again.

History repeats its self quite often.

Go your own way and make a life for yourself.

Do yourself a big favor read:
"No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download
It's a short read and well worth the effort

I suspect you're just a rebound.

Why would you want to raise OM's three kids?
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post #44 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:51 PM
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Re: Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced

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Our kids have no memory of us ever being together so "trying for the kids" doesn't really apply. We get along right now, if things go south the kids could suffer from a bad co-parent relationship.
Yeah this would seal it for me. Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with just having fun as long as commitment is not implied however because of your kids, which I forgot about in my other post, I wouldn't do it. I think you should hold you head up high and be nice but at a distance just to show her what a mistake she made. I would just tell her it was nice but the more you think about it the more you think it is a bad idea because of the kids, at least this time you get to be the one who breaks it off. You can be the one who got away. That's something.

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post #45 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:56 PM
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Re: Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced

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To answer your question..yes, my aunt divorced my uncle immediately after he had a ONS. A few years later, they remarried and were married until he died. They had a good 40+ years, and three kids.
There was no marriage in between, no kids with the person he cheated on her with. That's a bid difference.
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