Back Together..But Need Your Advice - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 12:31 PM Thread Starter
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Back Together..But Need Your Advice

Ok, so ex and I finalized divorce in October after 7 years. Our marriage was spent being angry, spiteful, hurtful etc. We have a 5 year old. In January, we began to talk. Every night for hours on the phone. We somehow have managed to find communication and actually have open, honest, funny thought provoking conversations and have closed a lot of old wounds by just being open and totally honest with each other. We live in two different states, so this will be a work in progress for a long time, if it goes that far. But we love to spend time together as a family, we love being around one another...you know, what the majority of people just want in relationship.

There is one thing that still lingers. He moved out two months before the divorce was finalized. He started a relationship with this pseudo friend/neighbor in our complex. And the reason I know this is because she posted selfies of her in my bed, pictures of meals she cooked for him with his name on it and a bunch of other things..but yes, I do know for a fact. I confronted him about it numerous times. He flat out denies anything happened. He admitted to so much more nonsense that happened during out marriage, so I don't know why he's not being truthful about this. I don't know what I'm looking for. I just want to know why it ended, why he was trying to be with me on Christmas, when he was already with her. And why does this bother me so much..he moved on that fast? She was a friend? What? I think about this everyday and I'm so burned/angry/jealous. I know we were apart, but why can't I get past this. It's stalling us moving forward together, and I don't want that to happen, because it's the best it's ever been. Any advice is appreciated.

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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: Back Together..But Need Your Advice

I think that is very upsetting- he was willing to get into another relationship while you two were still married.

I'd recommend taking it very slow and work on getting through your feelings on the betrayal when you two were separated before even considering reconciling with him. I'd actually tell him this, that you're thinking of reconciling but you are unable to commit to him until you work through your feelings about what you know happened with this woman, and that until he is wiling to provide full transparency and be open and honest with you, you're stuck.
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 12:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Back Together..But Need Your Advice

Thanks Jessica. I've tried to get that across to him and I hit a wall. He tells me I'm making this all up in my head. I've confronted him with proof and he just flat out denies it. I told him I just want to close this chapter and move on but I can't because he refuses to discuss it. So yeah, I'm stuck. And I want to confront her bc as I said she was a pseudo friend who was in my home and saw everyday at the pool during the summer for 7 years. So she's just as low.
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 12:54 PM
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Re: Back Together..But Need Your Advice

Just let things be for now then, If you're not 100% confident in it, then dont do it.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:00 PM
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Re: Back Together..But Need Your Advice

Are you sure you want to reconcile with him? You don't trust him and have an obvious reason for feeling that way. It might be hard to do, but can you step back and try to ignore all of the history you have together and ask yourself if you met him on the street for the first time whether he is the type of person you'd want for yourself. You shouldn't have to lower your standards just because you have history together. Instead maintain them and see if he can meet them or not.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:07 PM
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Re: Back Together..But Need Your Advice

I don't see how you can reconcile with someone willing to lie.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: Back Together..But Need Your Advice

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Originally Posted by Mellie View Post
Thanks Jessica. I've tried to get that across to him and I hit a wall. He tells me I'm making this all up in my head. I've confronted him with proof and he just flat out denies it. I told him I just want to close this chapter and move on but I can't because he refuses to discuss it. So yeah, I'm stuck. And I want to confront her bc as I said she was a pseudo friend who was in my home and saw everyday at the pool during the summer for 7 years. So she's just as low.
Do not confront her and stop trying to explain yourself to your X. Simply state the boundary "I'm considering reconciling with you, but in order to move forward, I need full transparency and openness and honesty in the relationship. Until then, I cannot commit at this time."

And mean it.

PS. I'm a firm believer that cheating partners are not accountable to the BS in any way. Only the wandering spouse is due to the vows and commitment they made to you. Your X has shown that he has poor boundaries. I would not touch that with a 10 ft pole, unless he can prove to you that he will instill excellent boundaries going forward, and that must include full transparency.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:56 PM
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Re: Back Together..But Need Your Advice

Only he knows why he's lying. My guess is he doesn't think you'll R if he tells you the truth so he's not going to. My ex-husband continue to lie with proof right in front of him and never did admit the truth so he's not the only man to do that with R on the line. Don't involve her. She may be just as big a liar as he is. He's your problem -- not her.

Why did he try to get back with you Christmas when she was still in the picture? Because she was a sure thing while he worked on getting you back. He doesn't want to admit he's been with her while trying to R. Are you sure she's gone now (and no one else has taken her place)?
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 08:50 AM
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Re: Back Together..But Need Your Advice

Well let's see.

He obviously wasn't worth staying with or you wouldn't be divorced.

Then, he turns around and has the unmitigated gall to bring some woman into YOUR bed - regardless of what your status was when he did it. Only a complete low life brings that type of disrespect into your own home.

Then to add insult to injury, he continually LIES to you about it and gas-lights you, telling you you're crazy and imagining the whole thing. I'd be curious to know why Father of the Year has moved out of state instead of being an active parent to his 5 year old?

There's just nothing appealing about this lying asshat at all. Nothing.

Why you continue to disrespect yourself giving this sneak the time of day is simply beyond me.
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 08:59 AM
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Re: Back Together..But Need Your Advice

You can't get past it because your gut knows he is lying.

There is no foundation to a relationship without honesty, and no amount of charm, humor, or enjoyment of time together will overcome the trust deficit.

"I have really enjoyed our conversations, but I can't continue without honesty and trust. When you are ready to tell me everything that happened with X, I may consider resuming our conversations. Good bye."

Then stop answering his calls, responding to his texts, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mellie View Post
Ok, so ex and I finalized divorce in October after 7 years. Our marriage was spent being angry, spiteful, hurtful etc. We have a 5 year old. In January, we began to talk. Every night for hours on the phone. We somehow have managed to find communication and actually have open, honest, funny thought provoking conversations and have closed a lot of old wounds by just being open and totally honest with each other. We live in two different states, so this will be a work in progress for a long time, if it goes that far. But we love to spend time together as a family, we love being around one another...you know, what the majority of people just want in relationship.

There is one thing that still lingers. He moved out two months before the divorce was finalized. He started a relationship with this pseudo friend/neighbor in our complex. And the reason I know this is because she posted selfies of her in my bed, pictures of meals she cooked for him with his name on it and a bunch of other things..but yes, I do know for a fact. I confronted him about it numerous times. He flat out denies anything happened. He admitted to so much more nonsense that happened during out marriage, so I don't know why he's not being truthful about this. I don't know what I'm looking for. I just want to know why it ended, why he was trying to be with me on Christmas, when he was already with her. And why does this bother me so much..he moved on that fast? She was a friend? What? I think about this everyday and I'm so burned/angry/jealous. I know we were apart, but why can't I get past this. It's stalling us moving forward together, and I don't want that to happen, because it's the best it's ever been. Any advice is appreciated.



"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 09:03 AM
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Re: Back Together..But Need Your Advice

Mellie:

Please google the term "gaslighting".

This is exactly what he is doing to you, all the way down to you questioning your own sanity.

"Oh, you saw a selfie of her in our bed? Don't believe your own eyes; they are lying to you!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mellie View Post
Thanks Jessica. I've tried to get that across to him and I hit a wall. He tells me I'm making this all up in my head. I've confronted him with proof and he just flat out denies it. I told him I just want to close this chapter and move on but I can't because he refuses to discuss it. So yeah, I'm stuck. And I want to confront her bc as I said she was a pseudo friend who was in my home and saw everyday at the pool during the summer for 7 years. So she's just as low.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: Back Together..But Need Your Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mellie View Post
There is one thing that still lingers. He moved out two months before the divorce was finalized. He started a relationship with this pseudo friend/neighbor in our complex. And the reason I know this is because she posted selfies of her in my bed, pictures of meals she cooked for him with his name on it and a bunch of other things..but yes, I do know for a fact. I confronted him about it numerous times. He flat out denies anything happened. He admitted to so much more nonsense that happened during out marriage, so I don't know why he's not being truthful about this. I don't know what I'm looking for. I just want to know why it ended, why he was trying to be with me on Christmas, when he was already with her. And why does this bother me so much..he moved on that fast? She was a friend? What? I think about this everyday and I'm so burned/angry/jealous. I know we were apart, but why can't I get past this. It's stalling us moving forward together, and I don't want that to happen, because it's the best it's ever been. Any advice is appreciated.
In his dishonesty is a truth that needs to be accepted... how would you be able to tell the difference in the lack of truth then or now?

One can't have both love and mistrust... it may be wise to take a breath and step back for a better look, too close is not to our advantage at times when the whole mountain needs to be seen and not just the first incline.

नमस्ते 🙏

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 04-21-2017 at 09:25 AM. Reason: Mindful punctuation...
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 09:19 AM
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Re: Back Together..But Need Your Advice

I would tread very lightly here. He has a girlfriend that slept in your bed and he's lying about it?? I would stop all communication with him until he's able to show you to your satisfaction that he's not with anyone else, doesn't intend to be and you can trust what he says. That might take awhile. Reconnecting and healing old wounds might sound like the right thing to do but you need to be sure of his boundaries before you take this any further. Lying and trust are big issues that haven't been resolved yet. There's alot of red flags here, is it worth it to you to continue while these are still flying?

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 09:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Back Together..But Need Your Advice

I want to thank you for taking the time to provide your advice. Jessica, I used your terms and sat down with him and spoke of boundaries and transparency. Long story short, we spent two hours discussing what went on and why. This doesn't mean that I'm not still bothered by it and it's going to sting for a while. However, it was put on the table and my questions, I feel for right now, were answered. I did tell him that I may have to revisit this in the future, but for the time being I'm going to need to process this and sort out how I feel. It certainly does not make this ok by any means.

She'sStillGotIt, while I did ask for support from complete strangers on here, I find your response to be a bit judgmental. I was the one who moved out of state and he's very much involved and active in our child's life. As every father should be. So your comment was not necessary.

Again, thanks to all who took the time to respond.
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