Does reconciliation ever work out? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #16 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 01:51 PM
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Re: Does reconciliation ever work out?

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Originally Posted by Y17 View Post
Would having a lot to lose not give a person enough motivation to change?

For 8 years everything that he said went. I know that I would have a hard time standing my ground. I would have to learn to do it though, and not give wiggle room for him not to change. He has demonstrated that he has a temper, especially leading up to my leaving. It is another thing that he has to work on and I know it would make me nervous to be around him and go against what he wants. He has become physical to varying degrees and he said that he is working on that and won't come near me until he has it under control. There are other things that I would need him to do or agree to before I would feel comfortable being around him again. Hopefully in time the uncomfortable feelings would lessen.
People can have all the motivation in the world, but that doesn't mean they will actually believe that they can change, mainly because they think change starts with how they feel. For instance, how can he just not be angry anymore? How can you just not feel intimidated and anxious when he is angry?

The change in emotions come after the changes in behavior. For instance, you could keep a VAR on you and record his angry outbursts. After gathering a lot of audio evidence, you could then give a copy to a trusted third party and inform him that if he does not accept that his behavior is wrong and work to change it, you will leave. And if he tries to make up lies about you in order to paint himself as the victim, you will use the recordings to set the story straight.

Under such an arrangement, you will know that his behavior is recorded and the truth will be known. He will know that as well, which may force him to actively work on dealing with his frustration and anger in a non destructive way. If you were to encourage such effort with positive reinforcement and respond with consequences for destructive behavior, he may be able to develop the coping skills into habits that become his new "normal".

Wanting to change is never going to be enough to cause change. It requires a plan for how that change is going to occur. What is going to motivate the new behavior? What is going to discourage the destructive behavior? It has to be consistently applied until it becomes habit.


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post #17 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 02:22 PM
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Re: Does reconciliation ever work out?

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This right here should tell you all you need to know.

If he were committed, he would be willing to take the year to work on his issues, which are large.
He's not been given a year though. I think this guy is being treated like some kind of criminal. He admits he has made mistakes and wants to change. Shouldn't he be given a chance? Or would it be better to destroy the family just so there is a little less control. What does the OP want, to control everything herself? I don't see why these two can't work on their marriage and have it be better for everyone involved.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #18 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Does reconciliation ever work out?

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He said that he would take as much time as needed to fix himself and allow me room to breathe. He didn't say anything about stopping or postponing the divorce but I just have a feeling that fighting in lawyers offices and court is not going to help our situation. We had a prenup that is being thrown out and he isn't happy about that.
This doesn't make sense. How is it being thrown out? It you haven't gone to court yet the judge won't have decided on that.
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post #19 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 02:27 PM
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Re: Does reconciliation ever work out?

I don't understand not giving him a chance. There are kids involved with a new one on the way, and no history of infidelity. It's worth trying to fix the problems before tossing out the marriage.
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post #20 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: Does reconciliation ever work out?

Sometimes, but with no one I have ever known who tried it. Adults rarely change their basic personality and nature. They try and try but eventually their true self reemerges and the same old problems come back. It is a chance you take with the odds against you. Many try it because love does not go away so easily. Love is caused by chemicals in your brain and we cannot will it into or out of existence. Plus the prospect of a divorce makes us grasp at any chance to avoid it. Whether you try or not is up to you because none of us have to live with the consequences.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #21 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 02:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Does reconciliation ever work out?

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Originally Posted by As'laDain View Post
For instance, you could keep a VAR on you and record his angry outbursts. After gathering a lot of audio evidence, you could then give a copy to a trusted third party and inform him that if he does not accept that his behavior is wrong and work to change it, you will leave. And if he tries to make up lies about you in order to paint himself as the victim, you will use the recordings to set the story straight.
I had to look up what VAR meant but I do think it could be a good idea, if for nothing else than when/if we have to have a conversation. Before we separated I let my phone record a "fight" that my husband and I had. I didn't yell because I didn't want to make it worse but he was and he was being rough. Just playing it back to myself made me realize how bad it sounded (and was). I think if he heard that himself he might realize more what he was doing. I would have to look into the legality of it, especially before using it to incriminate.

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He's not been given a year though. I think this guy is being treated like some kind of criminal. He admits he has made mistakes and wants to change. Shouldn't he be given a chance? Or would it be better to destroy the family just so there is a little less control. What does the OP want, to control everything herself? I don't see why these two can't work on their marriage and have it be better for everyone involved.
I can't fully blame him for all of our problems because I didn't want to make waves. If I didn't agree with something or didn't want to do something I went along with it without making a sign that I didn't want to. Some things he knew I didn't want to do and I'd say that I didn't want to, but I never put my foot down. I always caved. I enabled him. If he can fix it now that he really knows and the reality set it, I want to give it a chance...

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
This doesn't make sense. How is it being thrown out? It you haven't gone to court yet the judge won't have decided on that.
My lawyer and my husband's have both said that it's not going to stand. Based on when and how it was written and circumstances now and if it were implemented.

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
I don't understand not giving him a chance. There are kids involved with a new one on the way, and no history of infidelity. It's worth trying to fix the problems before tossing out the marriage.
If we could fix our problems and be happy together, it would be better for our kids. They are very affected right now and it's clear in their behaviour. I don't want to hurt my kids either, but giving false hope or putting them into a situation to be hurt. It would be a long time before I would be ready to move back in with my husband.
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post #22 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: Does reconciliation ever work out?

Only a member here with my own list of issues but I will offer my advice as a man AND one that is currently watching a pretty controlling relationship with a friend. DIVORCE!!!! Hel, I am here talking about reconcile of my own situation but as a man, abuse is one thing I don't believe any woman should have to endure. Sure, I would bet he will go through the motions, act like its all better, but in another 10yrs, it will be right back.

I still cannot figure out how and why men are wired to be controlling priks!

Example, a good friend of mine that I work closely with is in a relationship with maybe a lesser woman than he can get. For that reason, he thinks that is an open invitation to be an azz to here and say things that even I cannot tolerate and even tell him that. Bottom line is she needs to leave!!!! But she is confused and jaded and needs someone to set her straight. It is sick to watch.

I commend you for getting out!!!! So sad to see a family shattered but I am afraid he did that and truly believe some men are wired to be abusive, and they will revert back to that, and somehow they find women that will accept it for a long time.

I try to put myself in that picture of telling you what I want for dinner every day, and tell you when you can make a call. How is that a mutual relationship of any kind?

I agree with others to proceed with divorce so at least that part is done. I am sorry if my post seems cold. I have seen abuse and I hate it.
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