Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 05:08 AM
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,351
Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

This relationship is not going to fix your self esteem issues or your anxiety. You need to work on them and find a way through them yourself.

As part of that, I would think carefully before doing your wife's bidding. If you want to work on things with her by all means go ahead, but I would remove the reasons for her to be with you that aren't about you. (Somewhere to live, trips, etc).

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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 05:47 AM
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Firstly thanks to all those that participate in this forum, it has been truely beneficial these past few months.

This year started pretty badly for me (see previous posts). W in emotional affair and then moved out for the past 2 months to have space. The short term lease where she is staying is ending shortly and she says intends to return home.

A few keys points:
- the W's emotional affair has gone nowhere
- I have been seeing IC and turns out I have had anxiety issues for years . . . I have sort of known but never shone a spotlight on it as an issue before, so thats a journey for me.
- During the separation we have seen each other for ~1 hour a week and chatted, these have all been very calm good chats, occasionally upsetting as things come out but that is to be expected.
- I believe a lot of the issues stem from her feeling of loss of identity in the marriage and self esteem issues from childhood.
- W says while she is retuning home she doesn't believe it is going to work out.

The past two months have been quite rough for me, I struggled emotionally a lot more than I thought I would, which fits with anxiety. Local doctor has been great helping me with this.

We still have a BIG 4 week overseas holiday to the other side of the world booked which is in 5 weeks time. I am worried it is such a massive trip it in itself could be unneeded stress, having said that it could also be a good opportunity for the two of us to reconnect. . . .my friends are all saying we should cancel it. . . I am torn about it.

My intention at this point to give the marriage the best possible shot I can. Her pessimism about the marriage not working out worries me. I am looking forward to her coming home, however at the same time I am worried about saying or doing the wrong thing.

Any words of advice from anyone that has reconciled about the first few days weeks back in the same house?
What marriage do you think you are going to work out. Your wife was cheating on you, may still be, has probably been having sex with another man, and basically is telling you that she is coming home out of convenience and her lease running out, NOT because she misses you and loves you and is sorry and will show it.

If you think your year has not been going great so far, wait until you see what you are in for.

So to answer your question, you cannot reconcile with someone who does not want to. Just read your post above, and tell yourself what advice you would give to your brother who wrote that story.

Her boyfriend did not work out, so stop making excuses for her self esteem or anything else and understand you are Plan B and just a landing zone until she finds another boyfriend.

And lastly, you really need some professional help to consider rewarding her with an expensive five week vacation for leaving you basically to explore her fun with another man. What you should be doing is spending the money on an attorney and giving her your set of expectations starting with her being "all in" or "all out". Why does she get to decide what she is doing here and you just accepting it.

You are in the big time "pick me" game here. Your are not in R or anywhere close. You are just accommodating her selfish behavior with no consequences at all.
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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 07:26 AM
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Location: Texas
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

I get why she would rugsweep all of this but when its the OP who rugsweeps the spouses affair, then that says a lot about the OP, and their weaken self-esteem and willingness to take crumbs as opposed to the most interesting man in the world would say....Stay hungry my friend.....stay hungry
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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 07:33 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 2,433
Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

Falconbridge you really need to wake up!!!! It seems your doctor didn't hit you hard enough!

This marriage is OVER! It has been for some time. You are in love with the idea of being in love no matter what your "beautiful" wife does to you.

She has been giving her attention and emotional focus to other people - at least two other men and now there is a potential third who wants to go to romantic spots at night with her. And she is happy to entertain this.

She has told you: she is having an affair with one man and he is her love (emotional is still cheating and you cannot really verify if any of this has not gone physical), her best friend is yet another and she is entertaining spending nights in romantic spots with a third - all while criticising you and accusing you of "NOT TRUSTING HER" (absurd I know). She has told you constantly (and unwaveringly) just how bad you are. She wanted to get you a car so that you didn't depend on her while she takes time off from you to go fvck other guys and see if they work out. I am not even sure if you are Plan B because there appears to already be a Plan A, Plan B and Plan C (that we know about) making you Plan D. And all you have done in response is to do the "pick me" dance which only confirms to her that you are weak and loathsome.

And now she needs to come back because she has no place to stay and as she has told you, not because she wants to reconcile with you. Every dollar you spend on counselling, she is probably thinking about how it go towards something else that she wants to buy but is going along with this to keep you from forcing her hand.

You should not want her back - she doesn't love you and it sounds like she doesn't even like you! So why on Earth would you put up with this.

File for divorce, get this over and done with and stop wingeing! As others have told you, no one else is going to solve this for you other than yourself. This is NOT going to get better otherwise.

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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