Firstly thanks to all those that participate in this forum, it has been truely beneficial these past few months.
This year started pretty badly for me (see previous posts). W in emotional affair and then moved out for the past 2 months to have space. The short term lease where she is staying is ending shortly and she says intends to return home.
A few keys points:
- the W's emotional affair has gone nowhere
- I have been seeing IC and turns out I have had anxiety issues for years . . . I have sort of known but never shone a spotlight on it as an issue before, so thats a journey for me.
- During the separation we have seen each other for ~1 hour a week and chatted, these have all been very calm good chats, occasionally upsetting as things come out but that is to be expected.
- I believe a lot of the issues stem from her feeling of loss of identity in the marriage and self esteem issues from childhood.
- W says while she is retuning home she doesn't believe it is going to work out.
The past two months have been quite rough for me, I struggled emotionally a lot more than I thought I would, which fits with anxiety. Local doctor has been great helping me with this.
We still have a BIG 4 week overseas holiday to the other side of the world booked which is in 5 weeks time. I am worried it is such a massive trip it in itself could be unneeded stress, having said that it could also be a good opportunity for the two of us to reconnect. . . .my friends are all saying we should cancel it. . . I am torn about it.
My intention at this point to give the marriage the best possible shot I can. Her pessimism about the marriage not working out worries me. I am looking forward to her coming home, however at the same time I am worried about saying or doing the wrong thing.
Any words of advice from anyone that has reconciled about the first few days weeks back in the same house?
What marriage do you think you are going to work out. Your wife was cheating on you, may still be, has probably been having sex with another man, and basically is telling you that she is coming home out of convenience and her lease running out, NOT because she misses you and loves you and is sorry and will show it.
If you think your year has not been going great so far, wait until you see what you are in for.
So to answer your question, you cannot reconcile with someone who does not want to. Just read your post above, and tell yourself what advice you would give to your brother who wrote that story.
Her boyfriend did not work out, so stop making excuses for her self esteem or anything else and understand you are Plan B and just a landing zone until she finds another boyfriend.
And lastly, you really need some professional help to consider rewarding her with an expensive five week vacation for leaving you basically to explore her fun with another man. What you should be doing is spending the money on an attorney and giving her your set of expectations starting with her being "all in" or "all out". Why does she get to decide what she is doing here and you just accepting it.
You are in the big time "pick me" game here. Your are not in R or anywhere close. You are just accommodating her selfish behavior with no consequences at all.