Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 05:55 PM Thread Starter
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Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

Firstly thanks to all those that participate in this forum, it has been truely beneficial these past few months.

This year started pretty badly for me (see previous posts). W in emotional affair and then moved out for the past 2 months to have space. The short term lease where she is staying is ending shortly and she says intends to return home.

A few keys points:
- the W's emotional affair has gone nowhere
- I have been seeing IC and turns out I have had anxiety issues for years . . . I have sort of known but never shone a spotlight on it as an issue before, so thats a journey for me.
- During the separation we have seen each other for ~1 hour a week and chatted, these have all been very calm good chats, occasionally upsetting as things come out but that is to be expected.
- I believe a lot of the issues stem from her feeling of loss of identity in the marriage and self esteem issues from childhood.
- W says while she is retuning home she doesn't believe it is going to work out.

The past two months have been quite rough for me, I struggled emotionally a lot more than I thought I would, which fits with anxiety. Local doctor has been great helping me with this.

We still have a BIG 4 week overseas holiday to the other side of the world booked which is in 5 weeks time. I am worried it is such a massive trip it in itself could be unneeded stress, having said that it could also be a good opportunity for the two of us to reconnect. . . .my friends are all saying we should cancel it. . . I am torn about it.

My intention at this point to give the marriage the best possible shot I can. Her pessimism about the marriage not working out worries me. I am looking forward to her coming home, however at the same time I am worried about saying or doing the wrong thing.

Any words of advice from anyone that has reconciled about the first few days weeks back in the same house?

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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 06:09 PM
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

Quote:
Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Firstly thanks to all those that participate in this forum, it has been truely beneficial these past few months.

This year started pretty badly for me (see previous posts). W in emotional affair and then moved out for the past 2 months to have space. The short term lease where she is staying is ending shortly and she says intends to return home.

She's coming home because she'll have no place to stay otherwise.

A few keys points:
- the W's emotional affair has gone nowhere

You're plan B


- I have been seeing IC and turns out I have had anxiety issues for years . . . I have sort of known but never shone a spotlight on it as an issue before, so thats a journey for me.
- During the separation we have seen each other for ~1 hour a week and chatted, these have all been very calm good chats, occasionally upsetting as things come out but that is to be expected.
- I believe a lot of the issues stem from her feeling of loss of identity in the marriage and self esteem issues from childhood.
- W says while she is retuning home she doesn't believe it is going to work out.



She's telling the truth here, just needs a place to stay

The past two months have been quite rough for me, I struggled emotionally a lot more than I thought I would, which fits with anxiety. Local doctor has been great helping me with this.

We still have a BIG 4 week overseas holiday to the other side of the world booked which is in 5 weeks time. I am worried it is such a massive trip it in itself could be unneeded stress, having said that it could also be a good opportunity for the two of us to reconnect.

I wouldn't want to miss that trip either


. . .my friends are all saying we should cancel it. . . I am torn about it. Cancel it

My intention at this point to give the marriage the best possible shot I can. Her pessimism about the marriage not working out worries me.

She's telling you how she feels. But, she needs that place to stay and then there's that trip.

I am looking forward to her coming home, however at the same time I am worried about saying or doing the wrong thing.


Any words of advice from anyone that has reconciled about the first few days weeks back in the same house?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 06:40 PM
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

Yes, the trip. She wants this badly. It is all about her.
Do not spend an extra nickle on her.

After [nicely] telling her that you cancelled this trip, see how long she sticks around...stays nice.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 07:03 PM
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

LOL! You're killing me Malaise.

I have to say I agree 100% though. Sadly
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 07:30 PM
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

It in your best interest to go your own way. Do not let your fear define you.

She needs to see you'll be ok without her. Strength is attractive, weakness is not.

You do not want to continue to live this way. Yeah, it might hurt short term but it's better than living this for another 2-3 years.
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 07:12 PM
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

She's telling you as plainly as she can that you're Plan B. If you're okay with that then go ahead and R. But know that she'll likely continue looking for a new replacement for you since the other one didn't work out.
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 10:13 AM
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

fb,

A few keys points:
- the W's emotional affair has gone nowhere

She moved out and still claims it is an emotional affair!?

If she moved out it was physical too.

When the affair became a real relationship then conflict begins and hence the running back to you.

She needs to take a polygraph.

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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 05:02 PM
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

The test drive with the OM didn't work out, so she is begrudgingly coming back home because she cannot support herself...

Uhhhhh...how does it feel to be her plan C. I don't think you are even plan B.

Oh yeah, and cancel the trip. Sooner or later after the trip the same chickens will come home to roost. It will just be a temporary reprieve.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 05:04 PM
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

And get yourself a copy of Married Man Sex Life Primer.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 05:16 PM
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

See this a lot. The BS wanting to believe it was an EA because the truth is too hard to bare. Very doubtful.

Wake up and get out of denial.

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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 05:23 PM
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

Quote:
Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
My intention at this point to give the marriage the best possible shot I can. Her pessimism about the marriage not working out worries me. I am looking forward to her coming home, however at the same time I am worried about saying or doing the wrong thing.

Any words of advice from anyone that has reconciled about the first few days weeks back in the same house?
WHAT marriage?? Your wife moved out so she could screw around. Now she is coming back to live with you because it's convenient.

Why are YOU worried about saying or doing the wrong thing?? SHE should be the one worried - worried about whether you'll slap her upside the head!!!! OK not really SLAP her, but dammit man, grow a set, PLEASE?

I kicked my husband out the day I found out he was cheating and I allowed him to move back a few months later. notice I said I ALLOWED HIM to. Before that he had to prove to me that he was serious about R. And your wife is about as far from serious about R as they come.

Cut your losses and file for D. Cancel the trip now before it ends up costing way more money than it should. And get a new counselor. Obviously the one you have isn't telling you what you really need to hear.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 05:38 PM
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

Its sounds as if you are allowing her to call the shots when its her who has caused all this. She says that SHE intends to come home!?!? What about what YOU want or think? Is she fully repentant? Is she going to make the effort to rebuild the trust? Has she taken full responsibility for what she did rather than blaming it on her 'loss of identity in the marriage?'(whatever that total nonsense means).
In your place I would say that you need to stay apart until you can be sure that she wont cheat and lie again and walk out on you again. Maybe meet together more than one hour a week, have some long term marriage counseling and suggest she takes a another 6 month rental to see where you are by then. Make her wait and work at rebuilding your trust. Oh and cancel the holiday is my advise. Being together for 5 weeks after just one hour a week isnt going to work.
Stand up for yourself you are being a doormat.
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 05:51 PM
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

Wake up!!!!
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 06:29 PM
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

Invite her to a predawn meeting.

Ring her up at 4:30 AM. Tell her you will be at her place at 5:15 AM.

Pick her up and take her to the Beach or the Lake. Bring coffee and sweet rolls.

Sit on a bench and await the Sunrise. The Sun uncovers all truth, disinfects sickly thoughts.

Once it pops up over the Horizon, both of you stand and face it.

Look behind you, see if she casts a shadow. If no shadow is seen or it is a dim one, then stand in front of her. See if you can see "only" your shadow.

If that is the case, her mind, body and soul are not with you. They are somewhere.....unknown.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 07:31 PM
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Re: Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile

Coming back because it's convenient-- chec

Coming back and telling you she's not really wanting to reconcile ("I don't think it's going to work out")
Check.

Affair with another man and you aren't even plan B? She places zero priority on you.
Check.

Using you? Check

Going to look for your replacement while living at your home--- check.

Total lack of remorse for cheating on you( hell yes it was physical)
Check.

She is not even going to consider having sex with you, or only when she's totally horny and no kissing, no feeling, total coldness during sex?
Likely a check.

Leaving again as soon as the opportunity arises?
Likely a check.

May be a while, though. According to how attractive she is and how well she can mask her true self and seem like a good person....

You have got to detach and I hope you don't let your cheating wife come back. She's gonna leave again, man. She's already told you as much.

Keep your dignity. Tell her to stay gone. She's not worth keeping.
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