Ladies? Need too find healthy ways to communicate. Is this a lost cause? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 10:13 AM Thread Starter
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Ladies? Need too find healthy ways to communicate. Is this a lost cause?

Hoping at least for some positive helpful responses to hopefully fix our relationship, if it can be salvaged. Im 38yo, my SO is 33yo.

Short story. Was in a long term relationship for over 10yrs, never married. We finally decided were not right for each other. I moved on and one day was invited to some birthday party of someone I did not even know but friends were insistent. I was standinng outside just talking to a guy friend when a young lady walked up and wanted to know all about me. Then I realized she was the birthday girl and I was talking to her brother, but never meet her. We hit it off instantly and the attraction was VERY strong and instant.

She had a 1yo daughter at the time and I had my two young boys from my previous relationship. We did great the first year because I devoted my life to pretty much just her, and nothing else in my life. After a while I realize I needed to get things done as I was and still am trying to build a new home and get moved. She is pizzed how long it is taking and feels deprived of attention. She gets pizzed that I get to her house late but I try to explain that I have her house AND my own to maintain, all while being a single father of two, run a small business, building a new home, etc.

Her triggers lately have been the words "busy" or "working".

At some point about Xmas 2016, I walked out. I had enough of her rants and sincerely hoped it would send her a message that I would not do a life of this. We have since been off and on a bit since. Were together 2.5yrs

My issues with her are: She has a negative comment about EVERYTHING. I don't make the coffee right, I did not wipe the counter right, I don't drive right, I take too long at everything, I am an engineer and over analyze everything, etc. I honestly have gotten to a point at times of just testing her and sure enough, no matter what I do, she has something to say about it. Now I realize my engineer brain can be a lot at times but it just burns me that she takes my strong suits so negatively.

Also, I realized that if I even try to discuss her issues or anything about her daughter, she explodes in a rant of negativity, commonly saying things like "its all my fault then".

However, I think I have now realized our issues go much deeper. We have a communication breakdown and I realized if we cannnot have a grown up civil conversation on important topics to ME, we simply cannot grow anymore. She always says I don't communicate with her but I realized that I DO, but we don't communicate correctly to each other.

Now, I realize some will look at us as just a bad match, move on. I think we both realize we are both VERY picky about our partners and we chose each other. That part was somewhat fateful and hard to get past. She talks constantly about "having babies, family, has very little time, etc", all I can think about is we are not even getting along, why would I want a life of this???

I realized as I try to approach these issues, she blows up like a child. Immaturity comes to mind! It is soooo sad. I honestly just want to tell her "best of luck on your next divorce" because I don't see me or anyone else accepting this. I realized her previous partner left her while pregnant and moved to another state! Maybe for good reason....

Now...some of her rants have somme merit but I am not sure how to fix it. She wants more and more of my time for "quality time". I realize I suck at it, I don't need vacations, and was raised to work so I work all the time. Even if we are at a BBQ, I will go find something to fix or work on. I don't like to be idle. She complains that we don't have much time together, BUT realize this, she NEVER comes to my house because it is too small, does not help me with anything really other than shopping for my clothes, but I take care of her house and my own. I would LOVE to have more free time for her but I feel like if she really wanted to be around me, she would make more effort, rather than making it my responsibility.

Also, she says we "don't go do things". I get that, as said, I am not built that way so I don't think about it as I should but I have no problem doing those things. But boy, if I ask her to simply HELP my planning any small adventure so that is off my back, nope....

I think back to my previous relationship and this got easier becacuse my X learned I was overloaded and just booked a hotel, planned the trip, and told me when and where and we were gone! It was easy annd we had a good time!

Please let me where and what I need to do to try and break this communication issue for good? Or is she just a lost cause?

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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 11:34 AM
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Re: Ladies? Need too find healthy ways to communicate. Is this a lost cause?

The biggest issue that I can see from your post is that you two commit tons of Lovebusters in your relationship- independent behavior, disrespect, and judgement. Your GF has angry outbursts and you criticize her feelings, saying she's always "negative." While positivity IS a good thing, negative feelings help motivate us to fix a problem, so if she's negative in your relationship, there is likely a reason.

I highly recommend you read the books His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters, written by licensed psych Dr. Harley. He helps couples going through the same thing- poor communication that erodes the love you two have for each other.

You'll need both books and after you read them, you'll need to get your GF on board if you want to save this relationship. You both need to learn how to become interdependent, not independent, when making decisions and choices, and you both need to stop committing lovebusters.
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