Moved out for a few days - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 11:50 AM Thread Starter
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Moved out for a few days

Will start from the beginning, I got married to the girl of my dreams 3 years ago, we have a young daughter, when I say the girl of my dreams I mean it, when I was 21 I used to tell my buddies I would marry her, she's the only w I've ever known that made me to nervous to speak, we bumped into each other after years of me telling mates i would marry her, hit it of became bf/gf i proposed within 18 months, and we were 2ppl genuinely happy. She fell pregnant on the 19th month and I took it terribly, it wasn't what we had planned at that point in our lives, I became an ass and started switching of without realsing.

We got married before the baby came, and I was happy to be marrying her and sad that it wasn't going to be the two of us. Our daughter was born and the familial bond didn't happen for me instantly , tbh I don't remember the first 6 months of my daughters life, I just threw myself into my work cause I thought I need to step up and provide, I neglected them both, during this time I met a girl on a weekend away with friends, nothing happened and I kept in touch and went back to meet her a month later, nothing sexual happened I couldn't do it, i apologised and gave her a kiss and a cuddle and made excuses and said goodbye and lay in a hotel bed in a weird city wondering wtf I was doing, I resolved to never do anything like this again and go back home and to never tell my wife

My wife found out, it's been over two years now, we argued she cried she moved to her mums, came back we went on, she moved out again this time for longer, I persuaded her to come back, that was a year ago. Something clicked in me as if my eyes were reopening to what I was about to lose, my wife, daughter, happiness, I changed my life and felt the joy of being a father and husband. 6 months ago my wife changed and stared saying she's not sure if we have a future, recently she told me she hasn't forgiven me for the cheating and she doesn't believe anything sexual didn't happen. I've tried to show her through my words and actions how deeply deeply sorry I am, I truly regret with every fibre of my being what I had done. We stared marriage therapy 5 weeks ago and in every session she has said she is ready to forgive, in the last few months we have made plans for our future, home, holidays, social life, etc, last sat she told me we will try for a baby at the end of the year, things have genuinely been getting better, a few days later she told me she can't forgive me, she doesn't know if she wants to, she wants to be alone and she want time apart, I moved out to a hotel today to try and respect her wishes. She says she will let me know if she wants to separate or carry on with therapy.

I don't know wether to give her space, to fight for her, how to show her how truly sorry I am or to just give up, any advice would be appreciated

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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: Moved out for a few days

@Shaz1410, the limbo needs to stop. She needs to decide whether or not she's going to forgive and stick to her decision. If she decides she will forgive, it is wrong for her to hold it over your head the way she's doing now.

It will only end if you explain to her that you know what you did was wrong however it's not fair for her to keep you in limbo. Explain that if she cannot commit to reconciliation, then the relationship has to end.

Ask her to tell you/write down exactly what she needs you to do to help her to trust you eg. passwords, timeline of events etc. and do it. Perhaps you can consider taking a polygraph based on questions she discusses with the examiner.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 04:19 AM
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Re: Moved out for a few days

@Keke24 you're right the limbo is intolerable. The thing I don't understand is the extremes of her opinions, to go from planning another baby, holidays, renovating our home etc to saying within 48 hours she wants me to levee is just to much for me. We've agreed that I will go back home on thurs and further discuss but I'm not sure what else I can say or do at this point
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 06:07 AM
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Re: Moved out for a few days

Shaz, what are you doing to show her that :

1. she can trust you completely
2. that when the going gets tough again, you wont be immature and pull the same stunt again
3. that you actually are remorseful, not just regretful because you got caught
4. The neglect of a wife is one of the worst sins a husband can commit against her (apart from infidelity), it is a form of silent emotional abuse, not many women can come back from that. And you have committed both, it is lucky she is even speaking to you at all, most would have kicked you out permanently.
6. You emotionally abused her first with neglect, then with adultery, now you think she should just forgive and move on. Yes, you may regret it (most cheaters do because they get caught).
Maybe she is not convinced of your remorse that is why she is backing out.

If I were her I would dump your ass because:

1. you first of all didn't like having the daughter - some selfishness going on right there. But you sure didn't have any problems in helping bring her into the world. Then you ignored them for 6 months and buried yourself in your work.
2. You sought out another woman, this was not a ONS but something you nurtured, you kept in touch and had a second attempt. For all we know you are lying about the second meeting. You probably did sleep with her, if I was your wife that is what i would think too. Imagine if your wife did this to you? How would it make you feel, her meeting a guy in a hotel.
3. Do you think over that period of 6 months to a year, your wife didn't feel your emotional distance, your emotional disregard for her when she had to grapple with a new baby alone at home instead of having someone to share it with, someone who promised to love and cherish her, build a family with her. Then to add insult to injury you are also unfaithful to her.
4. You are not married for long. if you are doing this now, what will you be like when you have more kids, more responsibilities? Probably find an easy way out, go out and cheat, etc. I am sure that is what your wife is weighing up.

I am sorry but you are not husband nor marriage material. Your character is seriously flawed and you need to do a hella of alot of growing up to be married to anyone.
Please do your wife a favour and get a divorce, she can meet someone who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated. You are not than man.
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 06:24 AM
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Re: Moved out for a few days

Does she believe you when you told her that nothing happened other than kissing ? I would find it very hard to believe.

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 06:36 AM
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Re: Moved out for a few days

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Does she believe you when you told her that nothing happened other than kissing ? I would find it very hard to believe.
no she does not, genuinely nothing sexual happened I see no reason to lie to you guys on an anonymous forum, yes it was the intention on my part, but I couldn't go through with it, there's been times when we have spoken about it and ive thought to myself maybe I should just say something sexual happened as this is what she already believes,
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 07:08 AM
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Re: Moved out for a few days

You could take a poly to start.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 07:10 AM
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Re: Moved out for a few days

thanks for taking the time to provide such a detailed response, please bare in mind this is an anonymous forum and i see no reason to lie or sugarcoat the truth therefore my responses below are the truth
Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
Shaz, what are you doing to show her that :

1. she can trust you completely
i try to be an open book and never let her wonder about my actions or words, i have never thought of cheating again, she knows this

2. that when the going gets tough again, you wont be immature and pull the same stunt again
we have dealt with some tough times since, family problems, personnel health problems and we have always given each other support
3. that you actually are remorseful, not just regretful because you got caught
i struggle with this myself, i find it this very hard to put into words but i will try, i didn't understand the power that our being married would have on one another, never thought about the meaning of it, i hate myself for inflicting this pain on my wife, i hate putting a good woman in this position, i truly wish i could take her pain away, remorse is an understatement
4. The neglect of a wife is one of the worst sins a husband can commit against her (apart from infidelity), it is a form of silent emotional abuse, not many women can come back from that. And you have committed both, it is lucky she is even speaking to you at all, most would have kicked you out permanently.

when my wife fell pregnant we were living together at the place i bought when i was single, because we hadn't planned on having a baby neither one of us had saved any money to get a bigger place, once she fell pregnant i went into overdrive to make extra money and get us a bigger place, looking back i just lost focus of what really mattered, in my head all that mattered was to get us into a bigger place before the baby arrived(our home was very very small) i never managed to do this so after she was born i went into overdrive in getting a bigger place, it took about 10 months after my daughter was born

6. You emotionally abused her first with neglect, then with adultery, now you think she should just forgive and move on. Yes, you may regret it (most cheaters do because they get caught).
Maybe she is not convinced of your remorse that is why she is backing out.

i don't think she should just forgive and forget, i understand that she will never forget, i think both of us thought that if we had a full disclosure conversation, i sincerely apologised and she said she forgave me that we would draw a line and move on. what ive now realised is forgiveness isn't one conversation or 5 session of marriage therapy. it ebs and flows, stops and starts, takes time, you are right i did regret getting caught but its been a long time since i felt that, now its just remorse for all the hurt ive caused.



If I were her I would dump your ass because:

1. you first of all didn't like having the daughter - some selfishness going on right there. But you sure didn't have any problems in helping bring her into the world. Then you ignored them for 6 months and buried yourself in your work.
in my head my job was to financially provide and that's what i threw myself into, ive realised that they both needed more than just money from me
2. You sought out another woman, this was not a ONS but something you nurtured, you kept in touch and had a second attempt. For all we know you are lying about the second meeting. You probably did sleep with her, if I was your wife that is what i would think too. Imagine if your wife did this to you? How would it make you feel, her meeting a guy in a hotel.

again i don't feel the need to lie to a stranger on an anonymous forum, nothing sexual happened, i couldn't do it, made my excuses and left, this doesn't make me or what i did any better, but its the truth. i would feel horrific if it was the other way around and i would struggle with what to do

3. Do you think over that period of 6 months to a year, your wife didn't feel your emotional distance, your emotional disregard for her when she had to grapple with a new baby alone at home instead of having someone to share it with, someone who promised to love and cherish her, build a family with her. Then to add insult to injury you are also unfaithful to her.
you are right, it took for my daughter to wake me up from the way i was acting, somehow she managed to wake me up to the damage i was inflicting upon my family

4. You are not married for long. if you are doing this now, what will you be like when you have more kids, more responsibilities? Probably find an easy way out, go out and cheat, etc. I am sure that is what your wife is weighing up.
i have more responsibilities now than i had before, i spend more time with my daughter one on one, my workload has increased, the house we bought was a wreck and we have been restoring it for the last two years. my wife has suffered health problems that ive supported her through and amongst all these things the thought of cheating has never crossed my mind

I am sorry but you are not husband nor marriage material. Your character is seriously flawed and you need to do a hella of alot of growing up to be married to anyone.
Please do your wife a favour and get a divorce, she can meet someone who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated. You are not than man.
if you had said this to me two years ago in my heart i would of know you were right, i realise the damage is done, i have spent a lot of time on introspection on being a better man all round, not just for my wife but for all the people i love and care about, i have embraced my responsibilities instead of running from them
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 07:12 AM
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Re: Moved out for a few days

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Originally Posted by Tergis View Post
How'd she find out?
sat nav history showed i lied about my whereabouts, it snowballed from there
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 07:13 AM
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Re: Moved out for a few days

@shaz14108, she's very confused right now.
She wants to believe that you're the man/father/husband always needed, but you were absent physically and emotionally for so long she's not sure if she can trust you, especially now that you've been really trying to step up. It raises a lot of suspicion.

Usually, drastic change takes time to really settle in. You can't just change overnight, in a month, or even 6 months, and expect her to jump on board. Sometimes it takes a year or two of consistent actions on your part before she truly believes you have changed in a permanent way. History tells her otherwise.

Do not have another child with her until your relationship is SOLID. Having children doesn't bring people closer, contrary to a very common and mistaken belief. The marriage must be like ironwood first and you're nowhere near that. Bringing a child into the current or even near future situation will be a disaster.

I'm not trying to raise unnecessary suspicion, but it's possible that she may have another man in the wings. Very often when women feel neglected or slighted they will look to another man for that attention and care that they crave. It's not right, but it often is the case and it can very easily happen. She could feel very bitter about your emotional affair with the OW and thinks she also deserves to see what else is out there other than you. It's also possible that she does not have any other man out there, but is simply trying to wrap her head around your recent changes and doesn't want to fully commit. Just stay vigilant.


"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 07:14 AM
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Re: Moved out for a few days

Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
You could take a poly to start.
i could and would be willing to, and if it proved me right the lie and deception of going to meet someone will still be there
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 07:22 AM
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Re: Moved out for a few days

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
@Shaz14108, she's very confused right now.
She wants to believe that you're the man/father/husband always needed, but you were absent physically and emotionally for so long she's not sure if she can trust you, especially now that you've been really trying to step up. It raises a lot of suspicion.

Usually, drastic change takes time to really settle in. You can't just change overnight, in a month, or even 6 months, and expect her to jump on board. Sometimes it takes a year or two of consistent actions on your part before she truly believes you have changed in a permanent way. History tells her otherwise.

Do not have another child with her until your relationship is SOLID. Having children doesn't bring people closer, contrary to a very common and mistaken belief. The marriage must be like ironwood first and you're nowhere near that. Bringing a child into the current or even near future situation will be a disaster.

I'm not trying to raise unnecessary suspicion, but it's possible that she may have another man in the wings. Very often when women feel neglected or slighted they will look to another man for that attention and care that they crave. It's not right, but it often is the case and it can very easily happen. She could feel very bitter about your emotional affair with the OW and thinks she also deserves to see what else is out there other than you. It's also possible that she does not have any other man out there, but is simply trying to wrap her head around your recent changes and doesn't want to fully commit. Just stay vigilant.
the change in me occurred about a year ago, she has commented upon it. its not something I'm just doing to appease my wife its something I'm trying to do for myself and all the people that i love and care about.

the thought of another man has occurred to me and i am being vigilant without turning into a stalker

we are both aware that right now having a baby would be a mistake, after 5 weeks of marriage therapy things had been getting much better, we both felt positive for the first time in a long time, we agreed to keep going indefinitely to counselling and if things continued to get better we would try for another baby at the end of this year.
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