looking for a little hope - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

User Tag List

 22Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 10:53 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,269
Re: looking for a little hope

Quote:
Originally Posted by bill wennington View Post
Cool, thanks. Yes, that is essentially what i'm doing, although i completely hate it. Similar advice has been given to me by friends and other internets. i sure as heck am not waiting for a 180 from her in the form of an apology - i am not the one who deserves one (although, sometimes, as i cycle through emotions, i am mad that she "let me think everything was ok for so long". ultimately, i'm willing to let that slide). if she were to go 180, it would be "hey, i'm sorry i let you think everything was ok for so long, i believe you can change and i'm willing to give it a shot"... o look, an apology. crap. hmm. Yeah, i don't expect it. But the only way for us to reconcile is for her to give me that shot. Which i can't make her do. I think really what i'm looking for is someone to say, hey, man, it's possible, if unlikely. That, and advice on how to keep myself sane while attempting to move on. "LC" will have to happen at some point. That will be hard, too.

You are right. No begging, no crying, no pleading. If she wants to speak, i will welcome it. I will not initiate it. I work on myself. It's kind of satisfying. Until, 11pm when i can't stop dwelling and can't sleep. And yes, no kids.

Thanks, Marc. You are motivating me to stay strong. Whatever happens, i will survive, and be better for it. If she decides to give me another chance - and i just can't seem to let that hope die yet - then she will, and i'll make the most of it. If she doesn't, well, at least i'll be sober and know how to deal with my anxiety. Eventually.
I get it to a point but from what you've posted you aren't the victim here. So don't set in that chair. Try putting this on her will go over like a lead balloon.

Good men know when they screw up and own it.

Everyone is different. I'm sure you knew she was disappointed in your actions and yet you didn't try and correct yourself until she walked out.

It maybe too late, it may not, only time will tell. Her collecting all her things is not a good sign.

Marc878 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 11:04 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
Re: looking for a little hope

Yeah, i'm definitely not bringing that up. Just venting a thought that floats by occasionally. I am not the victim, for sure.

I knew she was disappointed in the drinking, yet i continued it. That's alcoholism. I never would have considered labeling myself that before, but that's what it is. And you're right, her walkout was a wakeup call, for sure. Futile to wish the wakeup call had been less harsh. I knew my being jealous was wearing on her - it was wearing on me, and i hated myself for it. I did not want to be that whiny little boy. And yet, i tried to bottle it up, hide it. She could see it. I should have been in therapy long ago.

I agree, I am surrounded by bad signs. But i can't help to look for good ones. Or even ask for them outright on forums where i should know better. Good advice is probably worth more in the long run, anyway, so thanks.

The silver lining, i suppose, is that i'll come out of this a better man. Unfortunate that the silver lining comes after a storm that wrecks your house.
bill wennington is offline  
post #18 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 11:19 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,269
Re: looking for a little hope

Unfortunately all you can do at this time is work hard on yourself and wait. Not a great position to be in but you put yourself there.

Learn from that.

It sounds like she hasn't filed yet or you'd have papers by now.

The good thing is you cut off the needy, clingy act fairly quickly. She knows you're there to talk if she wants.

Although it doesn't look good you never know how these things can turn out.

If she does want to talk. LISTEN!!!!! Don't get over anxious and overwhelm her. Let her lead.

Last edited by Marc878; 04-30-2017 at 11:24 PM.
Marc878 is offline  
 
post #19 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 11:23 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,269
Re: looking for a little hope

IN the future learn that you can never control anyone but yourself. That doesn't mean you become a doormat

You seem to know what your issues are which is a good first step.
Marc878 is offline  
post #20 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 11:29 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
Re: looking for a little hope

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Unfortunately all you can do at this time is work hard on yourself and wait. Not a great position to be in but you put yourself there.

Learn from that.

It sounds like she hasn't filed yet or you'd have papers by now.

The good thing is you cut of the needy, clingy act fairly quickly. She knows you're there to talk if she wants.

Although it doesn't look good you never know how these things can turn out.

If she does want to talk. LISTEN!!!!! Don't get over anxious and overwhelm her. Let her lead.
Thanks. That's what i was looking for. Yes, it looks terrible, especially in my saner moments. I think my best-case scenario is that she slows down and says, wait, i went from pretending to be ok to divorce in the span of a few hours, maybe we should at least talk about these problems first. Again - i realize i can't control that; i can only work on myself. Is this an irrational hope?
bill wennington is offline  
post #21 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 11:37 PM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7,883
Re: looking for a little hope

Bill, get the book Hold On To Your N.U.T.'s.

You need to find your center, establish your principles, and then live by them.

From a fellow alcoholic, all the alcohol did was allow you to avoid the things that brought you pain.

When you identify the things that are important to you, then prioritize your life based upon them, not only will you inevitably surround yourself with the right people, but you will truly begin to love them person in the mirror. He probably doesn't look too good to you right about now.

Also, read this:

https://www.lynneforrest.com/article...ces-of-victim/

Realize your roles, and strive to exit the triangle. It is the only emotionally healthy place to be. There will be more to follow, but let's start with the aforementioned reading assignments.

Sorry you are here, brother.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is offline  
post #22 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 11:45 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,269
Re: looking for a little hope

In any good marriage it should be balanced @ 50/50. Did you pull your load?

Make sure the home is as clean and uncluttered as you can. You don't want her walking in and finding a huge mess just in case. Plus it says I can do this on my own if I have to.

I'm sure you've got this now but drinking maybe fun for you but for others having to watch it. Not so much. Be aware of how your actions affect others.

Good luck, you have much work to do. Make it as positive as you can. You are building a better future for yourself here. Don't forget that.
Marc878 is offline  
post #23 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 11:47 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
Re: looking for a little hope

I have that book! I read it in its entirety this past Wednesday. I think it's great advice. I have not had proper, meaningful relationships with other men for a long time. Really, my only great relationship (well, i thought it was great) was with my wife. Which i now realize is not the healthiest place to be. Queue anxiety and jealousy when she goes out with friends (when i said i was acting like a little boy, that's the one i need to silence). I think having unalterable principles by which i live my life is a great idea.

Reading the other now. Thanks!
bill wennington is offline  
post #24 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 11:59 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
Re: looking for a little hope

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
In any good marriage it should be balanced @ 50/50. Did you pull your load?

Make sure the home is as clean and uncluttered as you can. You don't want her walking in and finding a huge mess just in case. Plus it says I can do this on my own if I have to.
On the marriage front... let's go with no, i did not pull my load. Aside from drinking and jealousy, i was selfish. I think all three of these go together. I was a good husband in terms of the things i'm good at. In terms of other things, things that required me to step out of my comfort zone, or even just not be lazy after a day's work, i would minimize. By which i mean i would divert less effort to them in favor of focusing on my strengths. Want to go dancing? Insert excuse here. Let's go shopping. Who wants to go shopping with someone who stands around looking bored? So my weaknesses were never improved. I'd do some housework now and then, laundry, maybe grill burgers or something. But 50/50? No, i left most of that to her, with the rationale that she only works four hours a day. Sounds like a BS excuse for a man to say.

Now that she's gone, ironically, the house looks great. I have kept it very clean. Turns out it's easy, if i just get off my ass. So, when she came to get her stuff, the floors were shiny, the counters were clear, the dishes were clean. The trash was empty, the bed was made. It's satisfying, actually. Yet another thing i should have been doing for years. And these habits will serve me well when i finally give up hope. I feel like i had so much potential, and instead of realizing it, i took her, and everything else, for granted. It hurts more because as you say, i dug this hole for myself. I'll dig myself out eventually, but she may not be waiting for me at the top. I hate this possibility, but i know it's the most likely.
bill wennington is offline  
post #25 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 12:00 AM
TBT
Member
 
TBT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,446
Re: looking for a little hope

This is not really advice per se,but more of an observation about being sober after some time has passed. You'll find that you'll be able to think clearer and start reflecting more on past choices and whether or not they were right for you and that includes relationship choices. That's not to say that you weren't wrong in whatever you did that was a detriment to your marriage,but more along the lines of was it the right fit in the first place. Anyway,I wish you well whichever way things turn out for you.


"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
TBT is offline  
post #26 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 12:00 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
Re: looking for a little hope

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
From a fellow alcoholic, all the alcohol did was allow you to avoid the things that brought you pain.
So, this alcoholic revelation/admission is new for me. I'm still not used to it. But it means a lot to hear the works "fellow alcoholic". Helps to not feel alone. Thanks.
bill wennington is offline  
post #27 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 12:14 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
Re: looking for a little hope

... however, i'm not sure what things i was avoiding. My therapist suggested it was a means of coping, to "turn off" after work, which admittedly is difficult for me. So after work i'd retreat to video games or, if it's Friday, beer. But maybe i was avoiding relationship stuff. Intimacy, maybe, due to anxiety and little-boy temper-tantrums. I have certainly not been the man i envisioned myself. I'll have to go to more therapy to figure that out.
bill wennington is offline  
post #28 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 12:23 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
Re: looking for a little hope

Quote:
Originally Posted by TBT View Post
This is not really advice per se,but more of an observation about being sober after some time has passed. You'll find that you'll be able to think clearer and start reflecting more on past choices and whether or not they were right for you and that includes relationship choices. That's not to say that you weren't wrong in whatever you did that was a detriment to your marriage,but more along the lines of was it the right fit in the first place. Anyway,I wish you well whichever way things turn out for you.
Yes. So, thirty days and counting. Which is not a record by any stretch. The difference, now, is that i have no intention of having a beer to celebrate my next race. But when i said to myself "i am done drinking" the day after she left me, i meant it. And I felt relieved. Empowered. Free to never let her down like that again. And, free of hangovers and embarrassing stories. I get that time will tell if it sticks. So far, so good. And then to realize (or admit) this morning, sitting in the airport, that yes, i'm an alcoholic, was empowering again. Because now i recognize something that she must have recognized a long time ago, and now i can finally improve that aspect of myself. I'm sad that I was unable to internalize it earlier.

I guess enough time hasn't passed yet for me to wonder "was the marriage the right fit". Ask me now and the answer is a resounding yes, at least from my point of view. It was the right fit, and i sure did screw it up. Maybe i'll change my mind, in time, but that won't change the fact that i did screw it up.
bill wennington is offline  
post #29 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 12:27 AM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,269
Re: looking for a little hope

I'm not a big fan of writing stupid letters pouring your heart out and begging for forgiveness but you are in a tight spot here. You don't want to contact her but you need to her know where you are, etc.

It might be a good idea to put together your reflections on the past and what you're doing to correct them (long term). Again this is for you not necessarily her. You want to be a better man for yourself.

It should be factual and have some meat to it. No bull**** whinny/pinny mushy crap. There is nothing wrong with adding your feelings about her but do not try and put anything on her!!!!!! Own your ****!!!

You might want to say something along the lines of I get your position and if you're not interested in letting me show you what I can become I understand. Let her know where you stand, etc.

If you go this route spend a week on it. Write it down let it sit for a day and edit until you get it right. Don't rush!!!!!

PS: getting off your lazy ass is a good thing !!!!
Marc878 is offline  
post #30 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 01:24 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
Re: looking for a little hope

Thanks Marc. That idea has some appeal. A friend suggested it, too. I've written and discarded a few already. So yeah, i'll take at least a week to write it. I also want to talk about it with my therapist. I don't want to sound clingy, or begging, or manipulative. I know I can overcome my problems, and change, and here's what i'm doing. I've written that to myself dozens of times already, and I believe it. But I'm not the one I've been letting down for years. I don't know if she is willing to entertain the notion. Hardened heart, and all that. I do think she has love for me in some form, I could see it when she was angry, and last time I saw her... that or I was imagining it. But I think I still know her pretty well, I don't think she'd have been mad if she no longer cared. But she can't let me hurt her any more, and may not be willing to open up, and I cannot blame her for that. I have to make the changes anyway. I tell myself that she must have been holding out hope for some time, right? Maybe I can help her realize that hope.

But no. The only thing I can do is work on myself. That is the only thing I can really work toward. Everything else is wishful thinking. If it's done to get her back, then it's not sufficient. As desperate as I am to fix everything, this cannot be rushed.
bill wennington is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Is there hope from the damage of porn? Andy101 Relationships and Addiction 21 12-13-2016 05:28 PM
I hope I can be a better husband stressedoutsoul General Relationship Discussion 11 02-29-2016 11:05 PM
Is there hope with my wife? vickgeo1981 Going Through Divorce or Separation 9 02-25-2016 07:58 AM
Hope after signing divorce petition. Andy101 Going Through Divorce or Separation 47 02-16-2016 12:57 AM
The Christmas Hope Thread Philglossop1 Going Through Divorce or Separation 5 12-21-2015 02:44 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome