looking for a little hope - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #31 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 01:35 AM
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Re: looking for a little hope

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Cool, thanks. Yes, that is essentially what i'm doing, although i completely hate it. Similar advice has been given to me by friends and other internets. i sure as heck am not waiting for a 180 from her in the form of an apology - i am not the one who deserves one (although, sometimes, as i cycle through emotions, i am mad that she "let me think everything was ok for so long". ultimately, i'm willing to let that slide). if she were to go 180, it would be "hey, i'm sorry i let you think everything was ok for so long, i believe you can change and i'm willing to give it a shot"... o look, an apology. crap. hmm. Yeah, i don't expect it. But the only way for us to reconcile is for her to give me that shot. Which i can't make her do. I think really what i'm looking for is someone to say, hey, man, it's possible, if unlikely. That, and advice on how to keep myself sane while attempting to move on. "LC" will have to happen at some point. That will be hard, too.

You are right. No begging, no crying, no pleading. If she wants to speak, i will welcome it. I will not initiate it. I work on myself. It's kind of satisfying. Until, 11pm when i can't stop dwelling and can't sleep. And yes, no kids.

Thanks, Marc. You are motivating me to stay strong. Whatever happens, i will survive, and be better for it. If she decides to give me another chance - and i just can't seem to let that hope die yet - then she will, and i'll make the most of it. If she doesn't, well, at least i'll be sober and know how to deal with my anxiety. Eventually.
Bill, anything is possible. I was in such a marriage with an alcoholic H who has now been dry for 13 months and still counting. When you commit to changing yourself and becoming a better man anything is possible.
However, some things you say indicate that you are not there and are not taking full responsibility, particularly 'she let me think everything was ok', deep down you knew it was not ok, just that she took it and you exploited her love for you, you abused your position with her.
It was never ok to treat someone badly when you have been drinking, it is never ok to get up the next day and pretend that all is ok, rug sweep that incident and move on, eventually there is too much dirt under the carpet and you trip over it and people reach their limit.

You know this, stop telling yourself that this was unexpected. You knew, but because she didn't fight and cry you took it as acceptance from her though you knew what you were doing was wrong. This is the first step to owning your ****. Until you own your ****, you will never be in a place to recover and heal. I know what I am talking about because my H did exactly the same thing, blamed me for not taking more aggressive measures to let him know I was done, I had to kick him out of the house.

Surely you are not that obtuse, you knew what you were doing to her, own it and accept it.

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post #32 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 05:37 AM
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Re: looking for a little hope

Right now would be a good time to get a hobby, outside interest, etc so you don't wrap yourself up in a one dimensional life.

Take cooking classes, anything to developed yourself.
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post #33 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 05:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: looking for a little hope

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Bill, anything is possible. I was in such a marriage with an alcoholic H who has now been dry for 13 months and still counting. When you commit to changing yourself and becoming a better man anything is possible.
However, some things you say indicate that you are not there and are not taking full responsibility, particularly 'she let me think everything was ok', deep down you knew it was not ok, just that she took it and you exploited her love for you, you abused your position with her.
It was never ok to treat someone badly when you have been drinking, it is never ok to get up the next day and pretend that all is ok, rug sweep that incident and move on, eventually there is too much dirt under the carpet and you trip over it and people reach their limit.

You know this, stop telling yourself that this was unexpected. You knew, but because she didn't fight and cry you took it as acceptance from her though you knew what you were doing was wrong. This is the first step to owning your ****. Until you own your ****, you will never be in a place to recover and heal. I know what I am talking about because my H did exactly the same thing, blamed me for not taking more aggressive measures to let him know I was done, I had to kick him out of the house.

Surely you are not that obtuse, you knew what you were doing to her, own it and accept it.
Thanks, aine. Not all of my thoughts are rational right now - I go up and down on an hourly basis. I did know I was doing some things wrong. I knew the drinking bothered her. And I knew the jealousy bothered her. And I didn't stop, and I didn't get help. And I think, yes - at least with the booze - that I did take it as acceptance. A flaw she could live with. Did I treat her badly when I was drinking? I never thought of it that way. No yelling, no violence, no fighting. But I guess... I still wasn't the man she thought I should have been, and I didn't do anything about it, so... I thought the jealous, suspicious feelings would just go away, eventually, they always did. Yes. Acceptance. That's how I saw it. Yeah, this is my thing, and she deals with it because she loves me. Perfectly normal, I thought. Wow. Yeah, I was wrong for sure.

I did see it as acceptance. I guess I expected an ultimatum, or something. Or at least escalating unacceptance. Which doesn't change anything - I knew I was doing it wrong and didn't change. And it took her leaving for me to realize something was really wrong. I think yes, I am a little obtuse. I did not consider that she would go from that directly to this. Then again, I didn't consider a lot of things. Now i'm left with nothing but time to consider. I appreciate your perspective. Now I feel worse about what I did which is probably a step in the right direction. So thank you.

When she said it last week - "i'm sorry I let you think everything was ok for so long" - I said "i get it, it's hard to tell someone something they don't want to hear" and dropped it. I really don't think any of this is her fault. It was me screwing up, it was on me to wake up and stop. Do I wish I had realized it earlier? Of course. But I didn't, and now it's on me to learn from this. I accept that. I want to accept that it's over. But so far, every time I get close to that "this is really, really over" moment, I think of, grasp at, imagine, some tiny shred of hope.
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post #34 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 05:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: looking for a little hope

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Right now would be a good time to get a hobby, outside interest, etc so you don't wrap yourself up in a one dimensional life.

Take cooking classes, anything to developed yourself.
Thanks. That's a great idea. I never liked cooking. Now I need to do it, and it would be nice if I could partake more fully in that part of a relationship in the future.

Honestly my life is pretty great outside of this. I have a good job with good people. I'm a competitive athlete, so I always have something happening. And it's another good reason not to drink, for what that's worth. And that circle, focusing on training and practice, has been very helpful to me during this time. I've been doing more woodworking, playing more guitar, to keep myself from being idle... but those are solitary activities, and they leave me with room for an emotional rollercoaster. A cooking class, or things of that nature, would get me out, talking to people, which would help with my anxiety. So thanks, I think i'll do that.
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post #35 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 06:04 AM
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Re: looking for a little hope

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So, this alcoholic revelation/admission is new for me. I'm still not used to it. But it means a lot to hear the works "fellow alcoholic". Helps to not feel alone. Thanks.
You are not alone.

AA or AA (Great Britain)

Don't walk this path alone. Just saying...

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Resources for men...
ADHD and Marriage

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post #36 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 06:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: looking for a little hope

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...
Allow me to condense myself, and leave no room for excuses: I knew, and I didn't change. This is my fault.

Thanks, everyone. This has helped a lot. I was actually able to sleep for four hours last night. Usually these days I have to work myself up to some unrealistic optimism, or run my body into the ground to get to sleep. But today - I don't feel optimistic about her changing her mind. I have more of myself to come to terms with than I thought. But I feel good that i'm learning that.
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post #37 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 06:21 AM
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Re: looking for a little hope

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But when i said to myself "i am done drinking" the day after she left me, i meant it. And I felt relieved. Empowered. Free to never let her down like that again.
If the bolded above is the person for whom you have quit, you will certainly fail.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #38 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 06:22 AM
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Re: looking for a little hope

Bill, in what sport do you compete?

How often do you train?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #39 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 06:45 AM
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Learn to cook one good meal first. If the opportunity comes you can invite her over for dinner.

I learned @ 6 years ago. It's very enjoyable. Start off simple. Work your way up.

Far is correct. Your improvements have to be for yourself. And permanent
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post #40 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 07:15 AM Thread Starter
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Learn to cook one good meal first. If the opportunity comes you can invite her over for dinner.

I learned @ 6 years ago. It's very enjoyable. Start off simple. Work your way up.

Far is correct. Your improvements have to be for yourself. And permanent
Yeah, I was going to ask for clarification, but it was I who was unclear. Free to not let drinking ruin another relationship. I'm still focused on this one, and that comes through in my choice of words.

I don't think I can say I'm only changing for myself until I really let this one go.

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post #41 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 08:02 AM Thread Starter
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Bill, in what sport do you compete?

How often do you train?
Can I avoid answering to maintain anonymity? I train six days a week.
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post #42 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 08:22 AM
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post #43 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 08:25 AM Thread Starter
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OMG!!!

He's a Sumo wrestler!!!
Hey, man, the internets are a scary place.
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post #44 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: looking for a little hope

There's always hope, but I think the best possibility here would be months or likely years down the road, if at all.
Someone needs (I haven't read every post) to tell you that most likely she is gone forever and you should plan that way. Do your best to make yourself the person you always wanted to be, live your life, and if she comes back that's good.
You are doing the right thing in not chasing her. If you do you will drive her away and the chance of her loving you again is zero. Negative chance if that's possible.

You need to know that she is not the only one on the planet, and that if you mess things up with this one, you can always fix yourself and find another. I know that's not what you want, but we don't always get what we want. It's just life.

ACCEPT that she is gone and isn't returning. If you want a chance with her, give yourself a time frame for her to return. At the end of that time frame when you've got your life like you want it, ask her if she'd consider giving you another chance. If she says no, start dating and never look back.

I should say that once a woman falls out of love, I have personally never seen it return. So hope, yes. Lots, NO. Just realism, not pessimism.

Btw, if you start dating other women, she will find out and you have no chance at all.
You likely won't be ready to date mentally, anyway. I personally think you should give it a year and if she's not interested then, start dating other women.
I really think she's gone. I just hate to tell you that since you're looking for hope--- I believe that hope will keep you in limbo and drive you nuts, but it's your show.
I do wish you luck.
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post #45 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: looking for a little hope

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Can I avoid answering to maintain anonymity? I train six days a week.
No worries.

My main concern was that you are training...exercising...challenging your body, mind, and spirit.

Exercise carried me through the first tedious months of sobriety in early 2014. About 14 months ago, I moved from lifting and kickboxing to jiu jitsu, and have been competing about once every month or two since last summer.

Jiu jitsu has literally been my place of peace in my challenges within myself, marriage, and life in general. It sounds like your regimen does the same for you. There is something cleansing about the pain and rigor of exercise.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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