Originally Posted by bill wennington View Post
Cool, thanks. Yes, that is essentially what i'm doing, although i completely hate it. Similar advice has been given to me by friends and other internets. i sure as heck am not waiting for a 180 from her in the form of an apology - i am not the one who deserves one (although, sometimes, as i cycle through emotions, i am mad that she "let me think everything was ok for so long". ultimately, i'm willing to let that slide). if she were to go 180, it would be "hey, i'm sorry i let you think everything was ok for so long, i believe you can change and i'm willing to give it a shot"... o look, an apology. crap. hmm. Yeah, i don't expect it. But the only way for us to reconcile is for her to give me that shot. Which i can't make her do. I think really what i'm looking for is someone to say, hey, man, it's possible, if unlikely. That, and advice on how to keep myself sane while attempting to move on. "LC" will have to happen at some point. That will be hard, too.
You are right. No begging, no crying, no pleading. If she wants to speak, i will welcome it. I will not initiate it. I work on myself. It's kind of satisfying. Until, 11pm when i can't stop dwelling and can't sleep. And yes, no kids.
Thanks, Marc. You are motivating me to stay strong. Whatever happens, i will survive, and be better for it. If she decides to give me another chance - and i just can't seem to let that hope die yet - then she will, and i'll make the most of it. If she doesn't, well, at least i'll be sober and know how to deal with my anxiety. Eventually.
Bill, anything is possible. I was in such a marriage with an alcoholic H who has now been dry for 13 months and still counting. When you commit to changing yourself and becoming a better man anything is possible.
However, some things you say indicate that you are not there and are not taking full responsibility, particularly 'she let me think everything was ok', deep down you knew it was not ok, just that she took it and you exploited her love for you, you abused your position with her.
It was never ok to treat someone badly when you have been drinking, it is never ok to get up the next day and pretend that all is ok, rug sweep that incident and move on, eventually there is too much dirt under the carpet and you trip over it and people reach their limit.
You know this, stop telling yourself that this was unexpected. You knew, but because she didn't fight and cry you took it as acceptance from her though you knew what you were doing was wrong. This is the first step to owning your ****. Until you own your ****, you will never be in a place to recover and heal. I know what I am talking about because my H did exactly the same thing, blamed me for not taking more aggressive measures to let him know I was done, I had to kick him out of the house.
Surely you are not that obtuse, you knew what you were doing to her, own it and accept it.