Originally Posted by bill wennington View Post
Married nearly ten years, together seventeen. She left about a month ago, we haven't really talked about it. I was mad that she didn't show up for an event i expected her to be at, and i was acting pissy about it and told her to come home. She came home. She said "I want a divorce. I'm tired. I'm done. I'm not attracted to you anymore. (But you're still attractive.)" Yes, she did include that. She was angry. Clearly hurting. Said it was the hardest thing she'd ever done. Next day i called, begged her to talk to me, she agreed (to a neutral location, with her female friend present). Still angry. Repeated "I'm done. I'm tired." Said it had been over for her for a long time. In retrospect, she could have already been planning it, my being pissy that particular day could have pushed her over the edge. I knew something was wrong before i called and told her to come home. She had never just no-showed on me before. I'd been having some problems with anxiety and jealousy, basically being a big baby. Also alcoholism, which I've only just realized was that (specifically: she didn't like me when i drink. i knew this. Thus, alcohol led to problems. I drank anyway. Q.E.D. i'm me, and i'm an alcoholic. No violence or dependence or job loss or anything. Just annoying, inconsiderate, embarrassing.) But I had no idea things were that bad. Did not see this coming. I've been self-reflecting constantly since then, started therapy. Only begged and pleaded on the day she left and the day after. Since then, all contact has been initiated by her. I've seen her in person twice, and we've exchanged text messages two, maybe three times. Text messages have been strictly business. First in-person was really awkward - this was like four days after she left - but the second one was pleasant and civil. She seemed surprised that I was not pleading. I apologized for being drunk, selfish and jealous. She apologized for letting me think everything was ok for so long. She said thank you, and seemed to mean it. I said you're welcome and left. Haven't seen her since. Six days ago.
This weekend while i was away, she came and took all of her clothes and some other stuff. I expected it, she said she was going to. I expected it to hurt, and it does. I am reading into every little sign. Example: i moved most of our pictures together, mementos, etc. into a box because i couldn't look at them without almost breaking down. While she was getting her stuff, she took a clock that she made for me years ago down from high up on the wall and put it in the box. It required effort for her to get that clock, it was pretty high up. She could have just left it. And she kind of messed up the box. Looks like she may have been emotional at the time. Of course, I am desperate to find meaning in anything. I'm a wreck inside
The only thing i really understand is that she is not going to open up if i push on her. So i do not initiate contact. I do not ask friends or family to talk to her. I've only confided in a few close friends. I give her her space. And meanwhile, i go to therapy, figure out the demons behind my anxiety, stay sober, work on my friendships, try to stay busy, carry on with my life. And i barely sleep. Every day is a struggle of ups and downs. I find reason for optimism, then i find reason for pessimism. I come to a realization that will help me deal with my anxiety, then i find out that she changed her address.
I am doing the right things, to make myself whole and sane. So that i will be healthy when it's all over, whether we're back together or not. Now, what i want is back together. Is there any possibility here? Could her anger and frustration with me fade? Could time apart allow her to cool off, remember the good parts, see that i'm changing (as much as is possible with basically zero contact)? Could there be a spark left to rekindle? Or can she really have been done for literally years, pretending, very successfully, that nothing was wrong? Could i have been that oblivious? Such that even a month before, i had no idea?
Is it possible for me to salvage this? Is there a way to initiate some kind of talk? If there's anything there, i don't want to smother it, but i am also terrified that time itself will do me in.
Is there any hope for me?
Bill, I am sorry, this is heart breaking but I suspect you broke her heart a long time ago by taking her for granted. Alcohol abuse creates havoc with those closest to you, I am sure she told you after every incident how she felt, how she didn't want you to do that anymore and hurt her anymore, she screamed at you, ranted at you and you felt justified in digging in your heels, you didn't have a problem, she was being unreasonable, lacked understanding, you had stress at work etc. Well this is the end result.
You cannot win her back, she stayed how long? Instead of focusing on her and winning her back it is now time to face yourself and your own demons, why do you depend on alcohol? Why do you think it is ok to treat the love of your life badly. She probably held it together because the next day all was bright again in your world you forgot the storm and the damage from the night before.
Work on yourself, tell her to go to al-anon (she will have demons of her own to deal with). Leave the marriage be for now, try and become the best man you can be. She may eventually see the change in you but she has got promises from you before and you broke them why should this time be any different? You have to show her by getting yourself sorted out first and that will take time, a lot of time. You should also join AA to get on the right path and Soberrecovery.com to talk to others who are on your journey.