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post #1 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 08:52 PM Thread Starter
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looking for a little hope

Married nearly ten years, together seventeen. She left about a month ago, we haven't really talked about it. I was mad that she didn't show up for an event i expected her to be at, and i was acting pissy about it and told her to come home. She came home. She said "I want a divorce. I'm tired. I'm done. I'm not attracted to you anymore. (But you're still attractive.)" Yes, she did include that. She was angry. Clearly hurting. Said it was the hardest thing she'd ever done. Next day i called, begged her to talk to me, she agreed (to a neutral location, with her female friend present). Still angry. Repeated "I'm done. I'm tired." Said it had been over for her for a long time. In retrospect, she could have already been planning it, my being pissy that particular day could have pushed her over the edge. I knew something was wrong before i called and told her to come home. She had never just no-showed on me before. I'd been having some problems with anxiety and jealousy, basically being a big baby. Also alcoholism, which I've only just realized was that (specifically: she didn't like me when i drink. i knew this. Thus, alcohol led to problems. I drank anyway. Q.E.D. i'm me, and i'm an alcoholic. No violence or dependence or job loss or anything. Just annoying, inconsiderate, embarrassing.) But I had no idea things were that bad. Did not see this coming. I've been self-reflecting constantly since then, started therapy. Only begged and pleaded on the day she left and the day after. Since then, all contact has been initiated by her. I've seen her in person twice, and we've exchanged text messages two, maybe three times. Text messages have been strictly business. First in-person was really awkward - this was like four days after she left - but the second one was pleasant and civil. She seemed surprised that I was not pleading. I apologized for being drunk, selfish and jealous. She apologized for letting me think everything was ok for so long. She said thank you, and seemed to mean it. I said you're welcome and left. Haven't seen her since. Six days ago.

This weekend while i was away, she came and took all of her clothes and some other stuff. I expected it, she said she was going to. I expected it to hurt, and it does. I am reading into every little sign. Example: i moved most of our pictures together, mementos, etc. into a box because i couldn't look at them without almost breaking down. While she was getting her stuff, she took a clock that she made for me years ago down from high up on the wall and put it in the box. It required effort for her to get that clock, it was pretty high up. She could have just left it. And she kind of messed up the box. Looks like she may have been emotional at the time. Of course, I am desperate to find meaning in anything. I'm a wreck inside

The only thing i really understand is that she is not going to open up if i push on her. So i do not initiate contact. I do not ask friends or family to talk to her. I've only confided in a few close friends. I give her her space. And meanwhile, i go to therapy, figure out the demons behind my anxiety, stay sober, work on my friendships, try to stay busy, carry on with my life. And i barely sleep. Every day is a struggle of ups and downs. I find reason for optimism, then i find reason for pessimism. I come to a realization that will help me deal with my anxiety, then i find out that she changed her address.

I am doing the right things, to make myself whole and sane. So that i will be healthy when it's all over, whether we're back together or not. Now, what i want is back together. Is there any possibility here? Could her anger and frustration with me fade? Could time apart allow her to cool off, remember the good parts, see that i'm changing (as much as is possible with basically zero contact)? Could there be a spark left to rekindle? Or can she really have been done for literally years, pretending, very successfully, that nothing was wrong? Could i have been that oblivious? Such that even a month before, i had no idea?

Is it possible for me to salvage this? Is there a way to initiate some kind of talk? If there's anything there, i don't want to smother it, but i am also terrified that time itself will do me in.

Is there any hope for me?

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post #2 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 09:13 PM
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Re: looking for a little hope

No one here can tell you if there is hope to get back with her or not.

What there is hope for is that you have 100% control over you becoming a better version of yourself. Keep the course.
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post #3 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 09:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: looking for a little hope

Thanks. Of course, you're right. And i'm 100% confident that i'll be a better version of myself. I'm already a better version of myself than i was a month ago. I'm a fast learner, once I get my head pointed in the right direction. I'm aware of my inner idiot and my alcoholism. I'm working on being more mindful and less selfish.

Eventually we'll get back together, or i'll get over it. I know this, logically. But it helps to vent, even to the internet. Therapy sessions do not come frequently enough.

I guess i'll browse and try to find stories of people with similar situations. Maybe i can find hope there. "better yourself" is good advice. I'd love more. Anecdotes, psychology, anything. Just feeling desperate right now.
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post #4 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 09:22 PM
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Re: looking for a little hope

Read the 180 and follow it religiously. It's a no contact reference. If you chase it will always push then farther away. Always!!!! Most can't grasp that but you need to.

Your words are totally meaningless. Only your actions count now.

Alcoholism destroys everything as you've seen. I hope you realize you need to lay off the bottle.

Just to fully understand what you're dealing with you'd be wise to check your phone bill.
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post #5 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 09:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: looking for a little hope

I think i'm already on this 180 - no contact - but is there an official document to read?
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post #6 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 10:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: looking for a little hope

Phone bill looks normal. Nothing jumps out. No recent spikes in anything. Feel dirty looking, to be honest. Would the 180 entail me cancelling her cell phone? I admit, paying for it does sort of feel like holding out a lifeline.
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post #7 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 10:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: looking for a little hope

And yes, i'm off the bottle, fwiw. That part will not be a problem. I haven't had a drop since a full week before she moved out (at which point, everything seemed fine to me anyway). Actions, yes. Words, no. Is why i haven't made contact. But it's very, very difficult. Overcoming anxiety and jealousy, those will be hard. Maybe harder if i start snooping around too much. But i think maybe you are giving me some tough love. If so, point taken. I will try not to be naive. My initial premise was that my jealousy was unfounded, borne of childhood issues and anxiety. It is not impossible that it is not unfounded. If that were the case, things would be different. Yet i have no proof, nor do i have the desire to go looking for it. What i want to find in myself is confidence and security. Toward her, i want to have forgiveness. I know neither of us are perfect. I just want to be the best man i can be, hopefully for her. And my current trajectory sounds like this 180 - give her the space she asked for. But it is so hard to not reach out. How do i manage that?
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post #8 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 10:08 PM
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Re: looking for a little hope

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Originally Posted by bill wennington View Post
Married nearly ten years, together seventeen. She left about a month ago, we haven't really talked about it. I was mad that she didn't show up for an event i expected her to be at, and i was acting pissy about it and told her to come home. She came home. She said "I want a divorce. I'm tired. I'm done. I'm not attracted to you anymore. (But you're still attractive.)" Yes, she did include that. She was angry. Clearly hurting. Said it was the hardest thing she'd ever done. Next day i called, begged her to talk to me, she agreed (to a neutral location, with her female friend present). Still angry. Repeated "I'm done. I'm tired." Said it had been over for her for a long time. In retrospect, she could have already been planning it, my being pissy that particular day could have pushed her over the edge. I knew something was wrong before i called and told her to come home. She had never just no-showed on me before. I'd been having some problems with anxiety and jealousy, basically being a big baby. Also alcoholism, which I've only just realized was that (specifically: she didn't like me when i drink. i knew this. Thus, alcohol led to problems. I drank anyway. Q.E.D. i'm me, and i'm an alcoholic. No violence or dependence or job loss or anything. Just annoying, inconsiderate, embarrassing.) But I had no idea things were that bad. Did not see this coming. I've been self-reflecting constantly since then, started therapy. Only begged and pleaded on the day she left and the day after. Since then, all contact has been initiated by her. I've seen her in person twice, and we've exchanged text messages two, maybe three times. Text messages have been strictly business. First in-person was really awkward - this was like four days after she left - but the second one was pleasant and civil. She seemed surprised that I was not pleading. I apologized for being drunk, selfish and jealous. She apologized for letting me think everything was ok for so long. She said thank you, and seemed to mean it. I said you're welcome and left. Haven't seen her since. Six days ago.

This weekend while i was away, she came and took all of her clothes and some other stuff. I expected it, she said she was going to. I expected it to hurt, and it does. I am reading into every little sign. Example: i moved most of our pictures together, mementos, etc. into a box because i couldn't look at them without almost breaking down. While she was getting her stuff, she took a clock that she made for me years ago down from high up on the wall and put it in the box. It required effort for her to get that clock, it was pretty high up. She could have just left it. And she kind of messed up the box. Looks like she may have been emotional at the time. Of course, I am desperate to find meaning in anything. I'm a wreck inside

The only thing i really understand is that she is not going to open up if i push on her. So i do not initiate contact. I do not ask friends or family to talk to her. I've only confided in a few close friends. I give her her space. And meanwhile, i go to therapy, figure out the demons behind my anxiety, stay sober, work on my friendships, try to stay busy, carry on with my life. And i barely sleep. Every day is a struggle of ups and downs. I find reason for optimism, then i find reason for pessimism. I come to a realization that will help me deal with my anxiety, then i find out that she changed her address.

I am doing the right things, to make myself whole and sane. So that i will be healthy when it's all over, whether we're back together or not. Now, what i want is back together. Is there any possibility here? Could her anger and frustration with me fade? Could time apart allow her to cool off, remember the good parts, see that i'm changing (as much as is possible with basically zero contact)? Could there be a spark left to rekindle? Or can she really have been done for literally years, pretending, very successfully, that nothing was wrong? Could i have been that oblivious? Such that even a month before, i had no idea?

Is it possible for me to salvage this? Is there a way to initiate some kind of talk? If there's anything there, i don't want to smother it, but i am also terrified that time itself will do me in.

Is there any hope for me?
Bill, I am sorry, this is heart breaking but I suspect you broke her heart a long time ago by taking her for granted. Alcohol abuse creates havoc with those closest to you, I am sure she told you after every incident how she felt, how she didn't want you to do that anymore and hurt her anymore, she screamed at you, ranted at you and you felt justified in digging in your heels, you didn't have a problem, she was being unreasonable, lacked understanding, you had stress at work etc. Well this is the end result.

You cannot win her back, she stayed how long? Instead of focusing on her and winning her back it is now time to face yourself and your own demons, why do you depend on alcohol? Why do you think it is ok to treat the love of your life badly. She probably held it together because the next day all was bright again in your world you forgot the storm and the damage from the night before.

Work on yourself, tell her to go to al-anon (she will have demons of her own to deal with). Leave the marriage be for now, try and become the best man you can be. She may eventually see the change in you but she has got promises from you before and you broke them why should this time be any different? You have to show her by getting yourself sorted out first and that will take time, a lot of time. You should also join AA to get on the right path and Soberrecovery.com to talk to others who are on your journey.
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post #9 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 10:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: looking for a little hope

aine, i see where you are coming from. That is good advice. I suspect i did break her heart long ago. She did tell me that she didn't like me when i was that way. She didn't scream, though. Just seemed... disappointed. And yes, i rationalized. Every time. I'm afraid you're right that i can't win her back. Why did i drink? It was fun. I like to party. My therapist suggests it was to cope, although i never felt that way, but maybe my perspective is skewed. I did like to enjoy some beer after work. As far as treating the love of my life badly... yes, i did that. And i was too selfish to consider the fact that i would stop drinking for weeks for all kinds of sporting events but never for the simple fact that she didn't like it. I can see that that would break her heart. I wish with everything i am that i had come to that realization sooner.

But I'm not going to tell her to go to al-anon, although that may be a good idea. I don't think it's for me to do that, at this point. (edit: i mean - i don't think she wants to hear that from me right now. maybe someone else. not me.)
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post #10 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 10:24 PM
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Re: looking for a little hope

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Originally Posted by bill wennington View Post
I think i'm already on this 180 - no contact - but is there an official document to read?
Consolidated discussion: The No Contact Guide and No Contact process and experience - LoveShack.org Community Forums

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post #11 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 10:32 PM
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Re: looking for a little hope

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Originally Posted by bill wennington View Post
And yes, i'm off the bottle, fwiw. That part will not be a problem. I haven't had a drop since a full week before she moved out (at which point, everything seemed fine to me anyway). Actions, yes. Words, no. Is why i haven't made contact. But it's very, very difficult. Overcoming anxiety and jealousy, those will be hard. Maybe harder if i start snooping around too much. But i think maybe you are giving me some tough love. If so, point taken. I will try not to be naive. My initial premise was that my jealousy was unfounded, borne of childhood issues and anxiety. It is not impossible that it is not unfounded. If that were the case, things would be different. Yet i have no proof, nor do i have the desire to go looking for it. What i want to find in myself is confidence and security. Toward her, i want to have forgiveness. I know neither of us are perfect. I just want to be the best man i can be, hopefully for her. And my current trajectory sounds like this 180 - give her the space she asked for. But it is so hard to not reach out. How do i manage that?
Crying, begging and pleading as well as pestering contact will make her more distant if thats possible at this time. She didn't get where she is overnight so this won't change quickly if it does. You work on yourself for you not her.

Think of it like this. If you knew that if you contacted her again shed file for divorce immediately and never look back. Would you do it?

If she wants to speak let her call you.
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post #12 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 10:37 PM
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Re: looking for a little hope

I'm assuming no kids?
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post #13 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 10:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: looking for a little hope

Cool, thanks. Yes, that is essentially what i'm doing, although i completely hate it. Similar advice has been given to me by friends and other internets. i sure as heck am not waiting for a 180 from her in the form of an apology - i am not the one who deserves one (although, sometimes, as i cycle through emotions, i am mad that she "let me think everything was ok for so long". ultimately, i'm willing to let that slide). if she were to go 180, it would be "hey, i'm sorry i let you think everything was ok for so long, i believe you can change and i'm willing to give it a shot"... o look, an apology. crap. hmm. Yeah, i don't expect it. But the only way for us to reconcile is for her to give me that shot. Which i can't make her do. I think really what i'm looking for is someone to say, hey, man, it's possible, if unlikely. That, and advice on how to keep myself sane while attempting to move on. "LC" will have to happen at some point. That will be hard, too.

You are right. No begging, no crying, no pleading. If she wants to speak, i will welcome it. I will not initiate it. I work on myself. It's kind of satisfying. Until, 11pm when i can't stop dwelling and can't sleep. And yes, no kids.

Thanks, Marc. You are motivating me to stay strong. Whatever happens, i will survive, and be better for it. If she decides to give me another chance - and i just can't seem to let that hope die yet - then she will, and i'll make the most of it. If she doesn't, well, at least i'll be sober and know how to deal with my anxiety. Eventually.
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post #14 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 10:44 PM
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Re: looking for a little hope

You need to understand you can't make anyone do anything. All you can do is fix yourself as much as possible. Trying to change your behavior is tough but living the way you were will be tougher. Look what it got you. These changes need to be lifetime changes not temporary just to try and impress her or get her back. This needs to be for you and your future whatever that maybe.


It might be a good idea to set up an appointment with an attorney and see what your rights are in a divorce.

Do you know if she's filed or has contacted an attorney?
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post #15 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-30-2017, 10:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: looking for a little hope

Yes. This, i realize. I cannot control what she does or feels. I cannot control how she interprets my words or actions. I can only control my own actions.

I suspect reining in my anxiety and jealousy will be a lifetime effort. And i will be tempted to drink again, no doubt. And i will always have to be mindful, and try not to be selfish. These are good things, with her or without her. I want to say i'm doing them for myself. I am, in a way, as I know they will benefit me. But currently, with this hope that i have not yet let go, i cannot with true honesty say that they are not at all intended to get her back. Until i actually don't want her back, or have truly let her go, this will be the case. Everything goes through that lens right now.

I have an appointment with an attorney in a few weeks. I do not know where she is with that.
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