Separation after a few months of marriage - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 07:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

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Geosai, I think you should move on. the fact of the matter is when someone does not want to be with some other even a minor incidence is getting blown up. I know a couple who broke up over a glass of orange juice. The thing is orange juice was not the reason, things have been building up.
So true, and things between us have been building up, as she was so stressed and even myself became very stressed. tension began to escalate between us and we said some words that we shouldn't have said. Everything I was saying she started to complain in the last few days that we lived together, and I also continued to complain as well when I saw her treating me like that.

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post #32 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 08:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

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Geosai, you better get yourself improved to be more self-sufficient in the area of emotional dependence and other areas. Your wife is serious about leaving you and shows no sign of coming back to you. You are probably right that she is not ready for marriage and I would add not ready to face adulthood and reality. Everyone will face stress and the death of a family member at some point in their life but life and reality does not stop because you are having a difficult period.

I would not doubt that her being with you since she was a young teenager probably is also a factor. She probably thinks that she is missing something in life by just being with you for her whole adult life. As a teenager it is very easy to think that life is mostly excitement and fun but when reality sets in in the late 20s or 30s it is a jolt.

Geosai, you are very young and do not have any children with your wife so you have no excuse to not start building a life without her. At this time your wife is very determined to get away from you and has shown no indication that she is coming back to you. If she comes back you should have a very detailed plan as to what you both are going to do and how you and her are going to improve in the things that affects your relationship negatively. Your focus right now is to concentrate on how you can get stronger and better with your negative points and stop putting a lot of energy and thoughts into how you can get your wife back; she does not want to come back. If you do not get more self-efficient you will become a door mat and be dependent on your wife for your emotional well-being.

Just like your wife is going to have to face reality so are you!

As of now, she showed no sign of coming back, true. She was speaking to one of our friends, and told her that currently she is studying for another exam (that I also knew about), but she told her that her mind is not there to study etc because of our situation. It's all her fault, not mine that she left, I never told her to leave or anything and always helped her whenever possible. When she had an accident with her car I used to drive her to lessons twice a week so she can continue to study etc. Her parents never drove her to anywhere. But obviously you do 99% right, that 1% is what they complain about.

At least yes, don't have any children with her. This weekend I must say that I was veeery down, since I spoke to her friend and when I went home found out that she took some other stuff, felt like someone hit me with a sledgehammer. Like there is no other hope or anything. Tried to go to the gym but left after 40 minutes.

Once I also told her that we can try to meet up, maybe once a week, and start like to date again, instead of come back home and start to live together again. We can start to built trust in each other again, and if it works good, if not f*ck it, but doesn't look like she wanted it. I also invited her for a coffee once, but she had a family meet, after that I never invited her for anything. Maybe will see in a couple of months more, maybe she starts to realize what she did. I will continue to work on myself and hang out as much as possible and meet other friends.

As of now all looks good though , and might say that I was proud of myself. no other women etc for sure, not ready for that type of life at the moment. But felt really good, I also uploaded some pics, and for sure she saw them, maybe she starts to feel a bit jealous hehe.
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post #33 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 08:47 AM
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

You have watered this flower. Reason: No drought stress.
You have fertilized this flower. Not for baby making, but to keep this baby happy. Reason: No intimacy stress.

You have plucked the bugs off this flower. The aphids, bphids, cphids.
You have trimmed her nearby bush to allow sunshine to reach her petals. This to allow photo-op synthesis to make the sugar. Energy for her brain; so that she can study harder.

You have given her space. Space, so overcrowding does not cause her be squeezed out by touch stress.

You have over watered her plant. This has caused her roots to remain shallow, never needing to go deep. The smallest wind will tip her over....
Uh, too late, the toxic wind from her friend has blown her to fresh pastures.

You have nurtured this plant for twelve long years. This big-boobed baby suffers from "Failure to thrive" Syndrome. Yes, her exams are hard. But that is peripheral stress, not of your doing.

She has pulled her shallow roots out of your garden. She will soon be transplanting herself to someone Else's garden. Maybe her girlfriend's garden?

She does not love you anymore. Your garden soil will never work with her temperament. Your Ph is wrong for her. She needs neutral soil. Soil at perfect seven heaven.

With this women your thumb is not green. You cannot effect maturity and growth in her. To her.....you are a pest...pesticide.

You cannot let her go. You can't. She is already gone. Out of your reach.

Let some other fool pluck her.....petals.

Divorce.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #34 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 09:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

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You have watered this flower. Reason: No drought stress.
You have fertilized this flower. Not for baby making, but to keep this baby happy. Reason: No intimacy stress.

You have plucked the bugs off this flower. The aphids, bphids, cphids.
You have trimmed her nearby bush to allow sunshine to reach her petals. This to allow photo-op synthesis to make the sugar. Energy for her brain; so that she can study harder.

You have given her space. Space, so overcrowding does not cause her be squeezed out by touch stress.

You have over watered her plant. This has caused her roots to remain shallow, never needing to go deep. The smallest wind will tip her over....
Uh, too late, the toxic wind from her friend has blown her to fresh pastures.

You have nurtured this plant for twelve long years. This big-boobed baby suffers from "Failure to thrive" Syndrome. Yes, her exams are hard. But that is peripheral stress, not of your doing.

She has pulled her shallow roots out of your garden. She will soon be transplanting herself to someone Else's garden. Maybe her girlfriend's garden?

She does not love you anymore. Your garden soil will never work with her temperament. Your Ph is wrong for her. She needs neutral soil. Soil at perfect seven heaven.

With this women your thumb is not green. You cannot effect maturity and growth in her. To her.....you are a pest...pesticide.

You cannot let her go. You can't. She is already gone. Out of your reach.

Let some other fool pluck her.....petals.

Divorce.
Wow, very very wise words. Thanks for the message.
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post #35 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 03:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

Hi All, quick updated regarding this thread. Yesterday I broke the no contact, sent her a message and noticed that she is seeing my messages immediately. and also replied immediately as well.

Yesterday I went to another counselor and gave me a few more tips on what to tell her etc and also how I can change a bit of myself as well, I am not perfect and I am a human, and also on how to cope better With her replies she seemed a bit more calmer then before when she replied. although she replied back that I am going to hear from her lawyer this week.

She first started to tell me that I don't know how to treat a woman. I asked her, if I ever abused her, if I was an alcoholic, if there was any violence, not just in those 7 months marriage, but also in those 12 years, and she didn't reply back to my questions, she just changed the answer and told me that she didn't need to give me any warnings and she also told me that I complained that I didn't want to go to do the groceries. Obviously I did the groceries she rarely went to buy something (not because of money or anything) because of her exams,,, she said,,, but IMO she didn't do anything because she is lazy.

Then again she started to talk about when her grandma died FFS. That I didn't want to go to her granddad's house after the funeral etc. Then I told her that these are all excuses, like everyone else is saying. and changed the subject again. On Sunday I went out with a couple of friends and uploaded a picture on Facebook. and I think she got a bit jealous because she told me about the photo twice, and told me to go find some rubbish woman a couple of times as well. She thought maybe I am not going to hang out with friends etc. Obviously we were having a good time.

I am not going to break her heart or anything with other women or upload pictures with other women, I am still trying to solve this matter and reconcile, she didn't break my heart like that so for sure I am not going to do it myself.

Than I thanked her that at least she replied back and really appreciated it. I think she still cares and is a bit jealous.
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post #36 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 03:39 AM
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

if she was so unhappy she should never have agreed to get married. Its so common that people who have lived together for so long break up after they marry.
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post #37 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 03:57 AM
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

I think you should just stay NC and let her go. She'll always have something to complain about,so you'll always be to blame. Those sorts of people drain the life force from you and rarely, if ever take responsibility for their own actions.

Go heal and find a woman who owns her stuff. There are plenty out there.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #38 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 12:17 PM
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

Growing up, your FIL and MIL taught your W that she is a little princess.

As an adult, she still acts like a little princess and everyone needs to wait on her hand and foot. That is why she ran home to mommy and daddy when things got tough for her emotionally. Can you say NPD?

Now, she simply isn't marriage material and you should be glad that you don't have kids with her.

As you have so clearly identified, it doesn't really matter what you do or what you say, the truth is that you are and forever will be the BAD GUY that mistreated her. AND IT IS ALL BULL****!!!

Accept the D when you are served. Give her the D that she so clearly wants and drive it to its merciful completion as quickly as possible. Count this relationship as a 12 year mistake and learn from it.

Get out there, have fun with your friends, talk to other women, improve your game. And find a real woman next time who will appreciate what you have to offer, because your current W never did!

My prediction: a year from now you will be coming on here telling us how great your life is.
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post #39 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 04:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

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Growing up, your FIL and MIL taught your W that she is a little princess.

As an adult, she still acts like a little princess and everyone needs to wait on her hand and foot. That is why she ran home to mommy and daddy when things got tough for her emotionally. Can you say NPD?

Now, she simply isn't marriage material and you should be glad that you don't have kids with her.

As you have so clearly identified, it doesn't really matter what you do or what you say, the truth is that you are and forever will be the BAD GUY that mistreated her. AND IT IS ALL BULL****!!!

Accept the D when you are served. Give her the D that she so clearly wants and drive it to its merciful completion as quickly as possible. Count this relationship as a 12 year mistake and learn from it.

Get out there, have fun with your friends, talk to other women, improve your game. And find a real woman next time who will appreciate what you have to offer, because your current W never did!

My prediction: a year from now you will be coming on here telling us how great your life is.
"Accept the D when you are served. Give her the D that she so clearly wants and drive it to its merciful completion as quickly as possible. Count this relationship as a 12 year mistake and learn from it." - God damn this escalated quickly in my mind when I read "give her the D" hahaha, had to read it twice.

So true, she still acts as the little princess of the family. Regarding NPD, wasn't really that kind no, and it's true that it is all bulls*it what she's saying, but maybe because she was upset that it didn't work between us or something.

True, will hang out for sure with friends. will not be looking for women for quite some time though after this issue, but might not call it a 12 year mistake, maybe will call it a 12 year experience that will try to never repeat it if everything is still the same .

She will be more jealous when she notices that I have a lot of friends, as before she left she told me that I don't have any friends and she feels sorry for me. This week a lot of friends messaged me to hang out with them etc. Friends came out like snails when it rains hehe
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post #40 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 08:08 AM
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

Geosai,
one other thing -- you mentioned she came by the house when you were out and took more stuff -- that it hurt. Maybe you should take some time to box up all of her stuff and leave it in the garage. Then you can tell her to come pick it all up at once when you are not home to prevent so much hurt in the future (OR if she is at her parents, just drop it off when SHE is not there). You have to do things for YOU now -- what works for YOU, what helps YOU, not her. She's made her choice, now you get to start making your own choices.....

Sorry that you are going through this...

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post #41 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 04:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

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Geosai,
one other thing -- you mentioned she came by the house when you were out and took more stuff -- that it hurt. Maybe you should take some time to box up all of her stuff and leave it in the garage. Then you can tell her to come pick it all up at once when you are not home to prevent so much hurt in the future (OR if she is at her parents, just drop it off when SHE is not there). You have to do things for YOU now -- what works for YOU, what helps YOU, not her. She's made her choice, now you get to start making your own choices.....

Sorry that you are going through this...
Thanks for the message , yes, I continued to work on myself again and feeling much better the last couple of days. Don't need someone this negative in my life.

Yesterday was the day that I said enough with this bulls*it. I received a letter from her lawyer that stated it that the marriage is broken and not repairable and we can do an amicable separation bla bla bla. This afternoon she uploaded a quote to try to put the blame on myself (was impressed with the amount of likes she got... 4 likes and 1 comment from her whor*e friend). Will speak to my lawyer next week to check what can be done. Still to this day don't know exactly why she left.

Also couple of minutes ago she sent me a message to check what are we going to do with our house, didn't even bothered to open the message.
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post #42 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 08:09 PM
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

Divorce, get the most fair you can, detach, get healthy, move on.

I am convinced this is all you can do. You should never reconcile with her.

I'm sorry. It is what it is. You'll see what a blessing this is one day.
Really.
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post #43 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 09:38 PM
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

@geosai, just checking in to see how you are doing... Sorry you are going through this..
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post #44 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 02:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

Hi jlg07, still the same. two weeks ago I received a letter from her lawyer that she wants to start separation. Last week on Thursday I went to my lawyer, and she suggested that she writes an email to her lawyer that states that the marriage is not broken and we can still work on our small issues. On Friday my ex, called me sixteen times and didn't answer her, she then started texting me on whats app and didn't open the messages, but I could see what she was saying. She told me that we cannot continue not to speak to each other, we need to check what are we going to do with our house etc. (I thought that her lawyer spoke to her or something).

Couple of days ago I replied back and told her when she decides to tell me the truth about what made her do what she did, we can speak, if not I don't want to speak. She told me if we can meet, and she didn't tell me why (obviously I thought she wanted to speak our issues). Again she started saying that I am a difficult person and she knew about it before our marriage and she wanted to save herself.

She also told me that she is very heartbroken and it's still not easy for her. After a couple of messages I pressured her to let me know why she wanted to meet me, and told me, so we know what are we going to say in front of our lawyers and don't act like two children. I didn't accept her meeting and told her let me know when you want to speak about our issues only, and to stop texting me as I again started to feel heartbroken, and I will be acting like a child in front of the lawyers, I want to take whats mine, whats not hers I will take it as well, even hers I want if possible let alone mine. She damaged me and my family badly, I want to damage her back.

After a lot of messages from both ends she told me she will think about it and will let me know (for a meeting to talk our issues). That same evening I asked her if we are going to meet that night to talk, her answer was "sry I cannot make it tonight". I got a bit angry and upset as she told me to not hurt her, and then she hurt me again with that text.

The next day in the morning I texted her again, I told her let me know what are you going to do, either you are going to talk or we are going to stay like this as I don't want to continue to hurt myself when you text me and keep waiting for her or something (although before she started to call and text me I was moving on with my life and was impressed with the improvement I made).

Then I told her you are going to try find me in another person and you are not going to find it for sure, as she knew the person I was. She again started to say the same issues again that I was a difficult person bla bla bla and that I was sending her arrogant messages etc.

I told her my lawyer and myself are waiting for her answer, she told me she does not even know about the email, and that she received a letter about a court session (I did not receive any letters). Then she contacted her lawyer and her lawyer informed her that yes, the email was ignored, and she still started the separation, with or without my lawyer's message. After that message I texted her a couple of times and stopped. Removed her photos from my FB as well to hurt her even more. Then yesterday evening I was speaking to a friend of mine and told me that she spoke to his GF, she told her that she was feeling very alone and don't have any friends (before she told me that I had no friends) and needs to start her life from scratch because of what happened. Then our friend informed her she can still talk to me again and try to solve our issues.

I was again thinking of sending her a message this evening, to tell her if she wants to talk to me I will be available tomorrow. if she comes, she comes, if not f*ck her.
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post #45 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 02:49 AM
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

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Hi All, quick updated regarding this thread. Yesterday I broke the no contact, sent her a message and noticed that she is seeing my messages immediately. and also replied immediately as well.

Yesterday I went to another counselor and gave me a few more tips on what to tell her etc and also how I can change a bit of myself as well, I am not perfect and I am a human,

I am playing the devil's advocate here. You keep saying that you are not perfect,
you are human, etc, You give yourself considerable leeway but I do not see you doing the same for your wife. If she is having exams and a death in the family those combined can be a very difficult burden to bear. Does your wife have validity in her complaints that you were not there? You seem to gloss over them?

and also on how to cope better With her replies she seemed a bit more calmer then before when she replied. although she replied back that I am going to hear from her lawyer this week.

She first started to tell me that I don't know how to treat a woman. I asked her, if I ever abused her, if I was an alcoholic, if there was any violence, not just in those 7 months marriage, but also in those 12 years, and she didn't reply back to my questions, YOu do not have to be an alcohlic or physical abuser to abuse or mistreat a woman. What about emotional neglect and abandonment which is fairly common and soul destroying. Women need their man to be there for them, to be their mainstay,
their support when life gets tough. If you have neglected her or abandoned her emotionally then that might have sent her over the edge. My H has done it to me a few years back when he got caught up in work and drinking, the stress of work compounded everything. I have forgiven him but I will never forget and things with him will never be the same, I no longer see him as my pillar
she just changed the answer and told me that she didn't need to give me any warnings and she also told me that I complained that I didn't want to go to do the groceries. Is this true at all?
Or is it a complete lie? Be honest.
Obviously I did the groceries she rarely went to buy something (not because of money or anything) because of her exams,,, she said,,, but IMO she didn't do anything because she is lazy. Is that what you are going to tell yourself?

Then again she started to talk about when her grandma died FFS. YOur level of empathy is absolutely lacking, you have such empathy for yourself but absolutely none for her. I can glean this from the way you write and I don't even know you. Perhaps your wife's version may be more enlightening? That I didn't want to go to her granddad's house after the funeral etc. Then I told her that these are all excuses, Is that true, did you not want to go to the Grandad's house? That would be the supportive thing to do, for most normal Husbands.Yes you dismiss her as giving excuses. I think there is much more to your behaviour than meets the eye. You have no empathy for her at all like everyone else is saying. and changed the subject again. On Sunday I went out with a couple of friends and uploaded a picture on Facebook. and I think she got a bit jealous because she told me about the photo twice, and told me to go find some rubbish woman a couple of times as well. Perhaps you should find someone who will be there for you, someone who doesn't need you to give anything in return. Trying to make her jealous, that sounds immature and childish also She thought maybe I am not going to hang out with friends etc. Obviously we were having a good time.

I am not going to break her heart or anything with other women or upload pictures with other women, I am still trying to solve this matter and reconcile, she didn't break my heart like that so for sure I am not going to do it myself. I suspect your wife loves you but has seen a side of you that has probably shaken her. Why did it take so long for you to get married? She probably realises she has married a man who gives alot of mileage to himself for his own behaviour but dismisses her and is basically emotionally neglects her or abandons her. She is proficcient in work and studies, etc which means she sounds like she is a pretty independent lady. Perhaps that is what attracted you to her,
as she is low maintainence emotionally. But when the chips were really down, you showed your true colours and you couldn't be relied on, that is why she ran. Honestly, I think she did the right thing.
It is pointless being married to someone who isnt there when you need them, you takes all the time and rarely reciprocates or cares enough to care about the things she cares about. Let her go.


Than I thanked her that at least she replied back and really appreciated it. I think she still cares and is a bit jealous.
Of course she still cares, she was with you 12 years but she is using her logic not her heart this time, she is wise to do so.

I may have totally misread your postings, but instead of dismissing her claims, I want to know is there any truth to them? Be honest with yourself
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