Separation after a few months of marriage - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 03:09 AM Thread Starter
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Separation after a few months of marriage

Hi, I have been with my wife for 12 yrs, but we have been married for only seven months. Last month my wife came to me and with a lot of anger she informed me she is going to leave and go back to stay with her parents. She didn't want to communicate to solve our differences because I knew we had a lot of misunderstandings, she didn't want to speak with a Family Psychotherapist or any other professional. Although I am attending sessions by myself to try and solve the issue we have and better myself.

She told me that she was showing me that she was a bit fed up with our situation, and I told her to not show me but communicate with me or at least communicate with her parents or mine and they speak to me at least. She even informed her parents the day before she left (same day I knew she was going to leave).

I try to send her a few messages here and there sometimes but she is still very very angry after a month away and never sends a normal message. Her issue with leaving was that I complain a lot. An example: She knows that I don't like a certain place, but she wants to go there at all costs, off course I will complain, because she knows that I don't like that place, and off course I am going to complain with her because I felt close to her since we were together for 12 yrs. Another example is, she had two exams, and we didn't even hang out for almost three months, I was washing the dishes and plates every every night till late in the evening, and sometimes I used to tell her that it will be great when she finished those two exams so she could help me as I am really tired every night. But unfortunately for her even that I complained.

She is also a bit of a mess, as she leaves shoes all over the place, and I was complaining a bit with her to put them in the shoe rack like I always do. She also used to leave her gym bag in our bedroom, but she always told me that my gym bag needs to be in another room not in our bedroom.

One of her cousins informed me that once I sent her a message that I miss her and some other messages, and she spent an entire hour in the bathroom crying. Although she told me that she does not love me any more, with her parents she never said anything like that (as I spoke to them after 1 month, although they never tried to contact me at all after 12 yrs of never having any issues with me and always respected them). Last week I edited a video for her with her favorite song, to say that I am sorry for what happened between us and never wanted this to happen. Her response was to never send her any other videos or anything.

I also found out that she is going to speak to her lawyer next week, and informed her parents to try and check with her lawyer to at least try and solve the issues first instead of go through the separation etc. I also found out that her friend left her boyfriend a couple of weeks before my wife left home, although I know her friend a bit, looks like she is more of an idiot then I thought, as she already broke her ex-boyfriend's marriage.

I know my wife was really really stressed, last January she lost her grandma, she was close with her, she had two really stressful exams as well. I also told her that if there is someone else, to tell me, but she informed me that she does not have anyone else, she is only fed up with my complaints.

Do you maybe know of any other tips of what I can do or if you see any hope with this situation?

Apologies for the long post, although I am currently broken to pieces, because I really did a lot for her all those 12 yrs, I even was sick with a bronchitis and used to drive her for her errands, even though she drives and have a car. I gave her a LOT of my time and this is what I got.

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post #2 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 04:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

Anyone? lol
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post #3 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 04:39 PM
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

Not enough info here.

She left because:
?

Youvwant her back because?

Wh/t are her good traits? Does she world,
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post #4 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

Almost 12 years to get married? What issues caused that? You know you should have never got married. You both are settling.

Do you two have a healthy sex life? If so, maybe worth losing a couple hours of sleep over. Sounds like she's gone. She won't come back. Best to detach, work on your own issues, and figure out how to be happy by yourself.
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post #5 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 05:01 PM
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

You sound mostly reasonable.

She does not sound. No noise.

Well, I hear static on your part of her part. She is unhappy, for sure.

Going 12 years with a women and then marrying her...well, may have tipped her over. The edge.

I think she was going to pull the plug sometime in the last year or so.

Or maybe, when her "exams" are complete. What sort of exams? What will she matriculate to?

IMO she did not want to get married. She seems to be in some limbo state.

Maybe she met someone else in the last year, or so. She criticizes you for weak reasons. She is grabbing at straws, trying to come up with a reason to end the relationship.

Something, or someone has gotten under her skin.

One of her feet is nailed to the ground, the other is trying to run away. This ain't pretty.

When a women falls out of love, they rarely come back...to that loving place.

Please fill in the blanks, using my above questions...thanks.

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post #6 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 02:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Not enough info here.

She left because:
?

Youvwant her back because?

Wh/t are her good traits? Does she world,
Hi,

She left because she said I was complaining a lot. - An example, I complained when she told me to drive her to her exams, yes it's true I complained, because she has her own car and she can drive herself, when I had my exams she never told me to drive me to any of the exams.

I want her back because we have so much memories together, we grew up together and don't want to waist 12 yrs of my life because of this stupidity.

Good traits, we together were really close, she kept me on track when I had no so great ideas (wasting money on stupid hobbies, not wasting money on drugs, alcohol etc.), She also has a good career as well.
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post #7 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 02:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

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Almost 12 years to get married? What issues caused that? You know you should have never got married. You both are settling.

Do you two have a healthy sex life? If so, maybe worth losing a couple hours of sleep over. Sounds like she's gone. She won't come back. Best to detach, work on your own issues, and figure out how to be happy by yourself.
Hi, it took us 12 years because we were both young when we met and started dating etc. I was 17 and she was 16. Obviously we decided to get married after we were both financially stable and found our home.

I think she is gone for good as well, the issue with myself is that I am not expecting it that she left for something this stupid after all those years together.

It's true, I am currently working on myself, before she left I used to train a lot, 5 / 6 times a week and she always pushed me to train as well so that wasn't the issue. Unfortunately at the moment I am not training that much but will keep pushing myself.
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post #8 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 03:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

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You sound mostly reasonable.

She does not sound. No noise.

Well, I hear static on your part of her part. She is unhappy, for sure.

Going 12 years with a women and then marrying her...well, may have tipped her over. The edge.

I think she was going to pull the plug sometime in the last year or so.

Or maybe, when her "exams" are complete. What sort of exams? What will she matriculate to?

IMO she did not want to get married. She seems to be in some limbo state.

Maybe she met someone else in the last year, or so. She criticizes you for weak reasons. She is grabbing at straws, trying to come up with a reason to end the relationship.

Something, or someone has gotten under her skin.

One of her feet is nailed to the ground, the other is trying to run away. This ain't pretty.

When a women falls out of love, they rarely come back...to that loving place.

Please fill in the blanks, using my above questions...thanks.

I tried to communicate with her before she left home, she told me she needs a break from me. She rarely communicate with anyone even her parents. In 12 yrs she never told me she needs a break from me or anything, and we used to meet every day. The last two years she also was living at my mum's house during the weekends. She never looked as she didn't want to, as once told me she was planning to even stay there on Sunday and go to work from my mum's house on Monday.

She was very looking forward to get married and live together, even the wedding stuff etc, she was always looking forward and sometimes she even went to check stuff by herself, obviously I trusted her. She is a bit of a baby, was always like that. She never showed any signs that she will be doing something like that.

She is currently studying to graduate as an accountant, and a couple of months ago she was going to stop because they are very stressful exams, I kept motivating her to continue and not stop, as she only has three other exams left.

It was my first suspect that she has another man involved, I know when she lies by the look of her face, and she kept telling me that no one is involved in it.

I am suspecting of a couple of her friends, both of these friends are single, one of them left her boyfriend a couple of weeks before she left me. and the other friend, works with her and lately they were really close together, they went to the gym together in the morning before work, they spoke a lot together. Both of them are females.

I also checked with her parents if she ever said that she does not love me anymore, as she told me. And they looked very surprised, and told me that she never said those words about me. I am suspecting they know more and not informing me.

Don't know how you fall out of love with someone that literally saved your life.
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post #9 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 03:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

For those 12 yrs she was always treated as a queen by myself and even my mum, but I am suspecting that after her death of her grandma and the stress of the exams didn't help the situation.

Friends of ours got married a few months before us, and the female friend once said that she did not cope so well when she left her parents home, and my wife used to make fun of her, and also told me that she was a baby that's why she did not cope so well.

My main suspect is that she was very stressful and was missing her family as well. She also went to tell her family that I was not letting her have time with her family because I complain, obviously it's not true and I also pushed her to message her mum when she did not phone her.

I speak to my mum every day, and once she started to make fun that I speak to her every day, after her grandma's death, she started to speak and phone her mum every day as well.

Unfortunately she does not want to speak to any counselor, even to solve her issue with communication.

I am also not making any contact with her at the moment. Last time I contacted her was a week ago. At least she did not reply back to check if we are going to sell our home for once.
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post #10 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 03:50 AM
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

Did you live together long before getting married?

These seem like issues that can be resolved easily, but you both will have to learn to hold your tongues and compromise. It could take up to a few months or even years.

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post #11 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 04:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

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Did you live together long before getting married?

These seem like issues that can be resolved easily, but you both will have to learn to hold your tongues and compromise. It could take up to a few months or even years.

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We did not live together long before getting married, we only lived together for the last two years maybe, but only during the weekends and at my mum's house. Even though I used to cook for her, she never washed any dishes at my mums, and to tell you the truth rarely done anything at our house as well.

As you said and IMO these are issues that can be resolved very easily. That's why I am feeling very lost at the moment. and it's true we need to learn to hold our tongues, unfortunately I did not hold my tongue when she told me she is going to go back with her parents, I felt like someone ran over me by a truck and the first thing I wanted to do was to tell her bad stuff etc. obviously, violence and abuse was never done from both of us for all those years.
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post #12 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 04:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

One last thing, sorry I forgot. When I spoke with the Marriage Psychotherapist he informed me that he had other cases were persons that are doing the same exams my wife (or ex) is currently doing, that leave their wives / husbands for nothing. Some of the cases were, they wake up in the morning and find notes that they left and not going back.

Some of them went back to their wives / husbands though.
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post #13 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 04:47 AM
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

If she never did chores at home in her own place with her parents and never cooked, it may take time for her to become fully independent from her parents.

You may have to learn to live with the mess and maybe get a dishwasher so that will solve one complaint perhaps.

Think before you complain, try to encourage or lead her with positive instead of negative.

Let her study in peace, have you ever tried to understand how difficult it is to learn about taxes? Yes, it's difficult. So her mind is focused on that right now.

Her grandma passed, she could be still in grief depression.

Leave her alone for a while and let her think, if there is no one else in the picture, she might come home.

Good luck.

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post #14 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 05:00 AM
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

It seems there is alot going on in your lives, doing examinations is very stressful (esp when you are working in an accounting firm). She needs support not someone complaining.
I would suggest you let things be for now, no contact with her or her parents. When the exams are over and things have calmed down perhaps she would be more willing to talk. Give her some space perhaps lack of support and space was the problem.
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post #15 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 05:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separation after a few months of marriage

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Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post
If she never did chores at home in her own place with her parents and never cooked, it may take time for her to become fully independent from her parents.

You may have to learn to live with the mess and maybe get a dishwasher so that will solve one complaint perhaps.

Think before you complain, try to encourage or lead her with positive instead of negative.

Let her study in peace, have you ever tried to understand how difficult it is to learn about taxes? Yes, it's difficult. So her mind is focused on that right now.

Her grandma passed, she could be still in grief depression.

Leave her alone for a while and let her think, if there is no one else in the picture, she might come home.

Good luck.

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Nope, unfortunately she never did anything at her parents house, no dishes or cooking etc, and she rarely did anything at our house apart from washing the clothes, and she used to cook as well. I was more of an independent guy, my dad passed away a couple of weeks after we started our relationship and used to help my mum with a lot of stuff etc, and attended school in the morning and worked in the evenings. To my surprise I adopted the married life quite easy and fast.

One thing I am trying to learn is as you said, think before I complain. Bite my god damn tongue before I say something as well.

I used to give her her space to study, actually I stopped my studies so she can use the whole desk (3 meter desk full of past papers and exams materials), Although I never tried to understand her studies I know she was stressed, even my mum noticed it some two months ago, as she was a complete mess. To my surprise she even complained with her parents that I used to play my PS4 console she bought me as a Xmas present when she was studying. And I always used to wear headphones so there will be no sounds etc.

I am also suspecting that since her grandma passed she got even more stressed, as she started to freak and asked me why I did not cry during the funeral and stuff like that .

I am giving her her space and not texting or calling her or anything. I might say that I am 95% sure that she did not have any other relationship or anything, still have those 5% in my mind though because never thought she will do something like that. I think one month away is still not enough for her anger to calm down.
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