ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
Ok,I've been snooping around here for a few months this site has been a big help.I feel for everyone out there who are going through relationship problems.I never thought the pain of a potential breakup was this real.It hurst mentally and physically.Plain and simple.I'm 43 steelworker,do 65 hours a week,up at 4am 6 days.Wife is 40 works 9 hours a week at pre-school,calls it her paid hobbey.Married 20 years two kids daughter is 17 my son is 12,pretty good kids.Wife suffers from anxiety problems due to her parents.She has had her mom hold a knife to her throat,shove food down her mouth and more.I havent helped the situation.I had anger and temper problems,I never hit her or called her names but was a big mouthed jerk at times.we both have 5 IC sessions apiece for our issues and have just started MC together.Sex has always been an issue,I want 3-4 times a week,her 1-2 a month.I like projects around the house,she like reallity t.v. 4-5 hours a day.after a bad argument she kicked me out 3.5 months ago,I went to a shelter for a week then came back,I have a legal right to be here.slept in seperate rooms for awhile,got to get back into our bed after a month.Yeah I did get the love you not in love with you talk.I have changed and am a better person she is trying.Sex is coming around slowley and the other good stuff to,kissing,hugging and da snuggles.She has been hot and kinda cold but things seem to be lookin up,Thank God.I thought 3 months ago I wished I would die but I knew there was always some hope.Sorry I know this is long.I pursued her,worked on my faults to let her see if she wasnt still happy then she needed to take a look at herself.Marriage cousler is a good one almost seems like he is on my side sometimes,sometimes not.We are learning to appreciate eachother more.....God there is so much to say and not enough time or space but YES! We are re-building and it feels good! So anyone out there who is hurting dont give up.I thought my world was over.Its not.I see a new beginning and the future looks good.I wish you the best
Get the book The 5 Love Languages, about the best book for a guy in your siutation. Sex 3-4 times a week is kinda much, most women do not want to do it that much after the first two years of marriage. You guys may need to negotiate that.."Like honey you are so attractive to me and I like to make love to you as much as possible, I know it's been a point of conflict with us and I would like to work this out". It's not accusatory and constructive
Ok,I've been snooping around here for a few months this site has been a big help.I feel for everyone out there who are going through relationship problems.I never thought the pain of a potential breakup was this real.It hurst mentally and physically.Plain and simple.I'm 43 steelworker,do 65 hours a week,up at 4am 6 days.Wife is 40 works 9 hours a week at pre-school,calls it her paid hobbey.Married 20 years two kids daughter is 17 my son is 12,pretty good kids.Wife suffers from anxiety problems due to her parents.She has had her mom hold a knife to her throat,shove food down her mouth and more.I havent helped the situation.I had anger and temper problems,I never hit her or called her names but was a big mouthed jerk at times.we both have 5 IC sessions apiece for our issues and have just started MC together.Sex has always been an issue,I want 3-4 times a week,her 1-2 a month.I like projects around the house,she like reallity t.v. 4-5 hours a day.after a bad argument she kicked me out 3.5 months ago,I went to a shelter for a week then came back,I have a legal right to be here.slept in seperate rooms for awhile,got to get back into our bed after a month.Yeah I did get the love you not in love with you talk.I have changed and am a better person she is trying.Sex is coming around slowley and the other good stuff to,kissing,hugging and da snuggles.She has been hot and kinda cold but things seem to be lookin up,Thank God.I thought 3 months ago I wished I would die but I knew there was always some hope.Sorry I know this is long.I pursued her,worked on my faults to let her see if she wasnt still happy then she needed to take a look at herself.Marriage cousler is a good one almost seems like he is on my side sometimes,sometimes not.We are learning to appreciate eachother more.....God there is so much to say and not enough time or space but YES! We are re-building and it feels good! So anyone out there who is hurting dont give up.I thought my world was over.Its not.I see a new beginning and the future looks good.I wish you the best
things are still looking good,cant wait till next MC session. I have to pace myself on this,find me rushing things just a little. I need to let it develope slowly.Dont want to push her but things are so much better. never lose sight or take your spouse for granted.we both have been guilty of that. God I feel so much better.Lots of long hugs here and there too : ) Posted via Mobile Device
I hope our reconciliation isnt de-railing already.she admits that she isnt doing much to help our marriage and she acknowledges that I am working at it and she says she is impressed with my progress.She also is not looking foward to MC this week because she doesnt want to talk about her issues.I've sent her two to three text from work this past week asking how her day was going and I end my text with a I love you.She text back "ok,see u later" she has also told me that if I "spoil her" things will be fine. Now I'm getting confused about this whole thing.Maybe I'm reading this all wrong.Guess I'll find out more in the next couple days. Posted via Mobile Device
I hope our reconciliation isnt de-railing already.she admits that she isnt doing much to help our marriage and she acknowledges that I am working at it and she says she is impressed with my progress.She also is not looking foward to MC this week because she doesnt want to talk about her issues.I've sent her two to three text from work this past week asking how her day was going and I end my text with a I love you.She text back "ok,see u later" she has also told me that if I "spoil her" things will be fine. Now I'm getting confused about this whole thing.Maybe I'm reading this all wrong.Guess I'll find out more in the next couple days. Posted via Mobile Device
Wow, some tough love for you. You have to step back and take an honest look at the dynamics of your marriage. She is wearing the pants here and you are running around like a lovesick puppy. I can tell you your respect in her eyes is eroding everyday. There is nothing wrong with being kind, considerate and loving towards her but not at the expense of your dignity. Her "If you spoil me"..wow just wow. You need to set some boundries and stick to them, she may resist but I can tell you she will respect you, find you attractive and desireable again then you can reconcile. Right now you are Nice Guying yourself right out the door. I know you may think your wife is your whole world, there is nobody like her. she is irreplaceable. Well bud I can tell you it's simply not true, they are all replaceable. My divorce is final in a cpl of months. I have been dating a dynamite gal, a definite upgrade over my soon to be ex, without all the *****iness, frigidity and attitude. When they know you can throw their as* out the door and replace them they seem to want to negotiate a true reconciliation. Go over to the No More Mr Nice guy forums and look the topic about marriages, post your story there and get good advice from guys with some stones who have been where you are at.
Thanks ghost.No,no I wont let her or anyone clean their shoes off on me.I was raised on a farm,my Dad is a pastor and my mom was a cop,so I never got away with much but I wont put up with unreasonable demands.I've even been asked out twice but I want her not someone else and the spoil thing isnt gonna happen,I support us all pay all the bills.Everyone in my family has all their needs met plus a lot of their wants.Also help out her family with money and other stuff.I can be tough but fair,I showed her my "I wont be walked on look " after work today.She wants to know what my problem is. I just told her I'm feeling really good and I can handle any curve ball life throws at me.She a little quiet right now but I'm still being a opptimist about our future,there is something there in her eyes when she listens and looks at me,she DID have the upper hand for awhile but I had to take it back.I do really love her and I am not the type to give up easily.Ugh! Have to see how things develope here in the next few days.I have patience. Posted via Mobile Device
Wow,she wants to know why I am being "****y",I have not said anything inappropriate, and picked up supper.Not ****y.confident,which I've had to get back too.i was begging and pleading to her couple months ago.Big mistake. Then more hugs from her : ) women, especially the one in your life can be hard to figure out sometimes but I think I'm learning much more now.Thanx to everyone out there for listening you all make TAMS what it is. let you guys know what happens. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks ghost.No,no I wont let her or anyone clean their shoes off on me.I was raised on a farm,my Dad is a pastor and my mom was a cop,so I never got away with much but I wont put up with unreasonable demands.I've even been asked out twice but I want her not someone else and the spoil thing isnt gonna happen,I support us all pay all the bills.Everyone in my family has all their needs met plus a lot of their wants.Also help out her family with money and other stuff.I can be tough but fair,I showed her my "I wont be walked on look " after work today.She wants to know what my problem is. I just told her I'm feeling really good and I can handle any curve ball life throws at me.She a little quiet right now but I'm still being a opptimist about our future,there is something there in her eyes when she listens and looks at me,she DID have the upper hand for awhile but I had to take it back.I do really love her and I am not the type to give up easily.Ugh! Have to see how things develope here in the next few days.I have patience. Posted via Mobile Device
Well then I apologize for my post taking you to the woodshed. Sounds like you are doing what you need to do. Handing the reigns of the relationship over to your wife is never a good thing to do. Women are driven primarily by emotions, men by logic, when they work in harmony, you get a synergy of a healthy relationship. Women are more finely tuned to pick up the nuances and problems in a marriage, but they can be a little too vague in expressing their displeasure more forcefully and clearly.
Calvin
I can't tell you exactly what is happening with your wife but maybe I can offer some possibilities from a my point of view.
Since the change in your behavior is so new, she does not trust you to keep it up. She is being vigilant. She likes the person you are now. If she didn't she would not be affectionate.
When she asked you why you were being difficult, it is probably because she Is waiting for your old behavior to come back. Keep doing what you are doing now and don't take or give any disrespect.. She needs to feel respect for you to maintain the attraction, if she thinks you will do anything she wants she will not be attracted to you. When she pushes push back with love and gentleness. You are letting know that you are capable of being her hero and protecting her.
It took a long time for your marriage to get to a bad place and it will take more than a few months to get back on track. Think of the long view and don't lose it when there is a setback for one day. Don't hang on her every word and deed.
The littles fluctuation will smooth out in the long run. Your mind may scream for reassurance but be outwardly calm, nice to her but back off and busy and wait for her to come to you. When she does be warm and welcoming. This may happen many times in the begining but she is testing you so don't fail by getting needy, or angry or aloof.
Based on what you describ about her behavior, she likes the man you are now, she does not want tgat man to go away, she needs you to be strong and confident, when you are she may think you are reverting to old behaviors and she is going to test you severely so be ready.
She will probably do things to see how you will react. There are some post about this on TAM maybe some of the other poster will direct you. It is important that you handle these with confidence calmness and with out anger. Don't let her vacillation get you rattled, she wants to make sure the old you is gone, and the new you is here to stay and she wants to test the new you to make sure you are a strong man.
Also remember your wife played a part in the problems so don't take all of the responsibility. I am not saying that to derail what you are doing because it is great. I'd like you see yourself in a realistic way and to accept only your part in the problems which you have done and if you work hard, she should do the same.
The best to you and Mrs C Posted via Mobile Device
thanks everyone,I have tried to assure her the old me is gone and he is, arguing didnt solve anything and I really dont want to go down that road anymore.I know my actions are proving to her that I'm willing to change and I have.MC told her I'm committed to this.I got my confidence back and that scares her a little maybe? Now she wants to know if I'm planning on leaving?of course I'm not but if things dont work out I know I can move on and I told her this.I want to be with her though.She's been texting me a lot at work today too. mmmm? Oh well tomorrow after work is big MC day,I had to write a list of what I feel her faults are.This is gonna be interesting. We already did my faults and honestly I think I'm a saint compared to most of her girlfriends husbands or boyfriends Posted via Mobile Device
Ok,MC gave me some cr#p today for the damage I've done in this marriage.Temper and anger problems,which I know I own.All mine.Wife vouched I'm doing way better but she is still scared I might go back,I wont do that.I feel I'm working my butt off on making perminant fixes in our marriage,wife admitts she is trying a little.MC told her I'm not getting a return on my "investment",I feel the same.She doesnt remember the "spoil me " clause she gave me a few days ago,she admitted to MC her lack of affection and appreciation,acknowledged this has been going on for years especially the intimacy. MC said maybe we are not right for eachother. (God...no) MC also says we need to tell eachother how we feel at the moment we are hurt or elevated by the other,a big wrong I did was bottleing up some stuff I should have told my wife a couple days ago and laying all my cards out during the MC session,big mistack on my part.she felt blindsighted,wont do that again.Communication is the key right now we both are going to work on that,tell each other how we feel at the moment something happens,no waiting.Its weird,she thing we're having a good day I think its not so good.Tough row to hoe here but we did dig out of the snow and had a decent talk. this isnt easy. Posted via Mobile Device
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yes there is hope almost sure 
