How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #1 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 04:26 PM Thread Starter
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How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

I have made several posts on other sections on here. Most answers came back to divorce her, which I have every right to and cant disagree. However, I do want to exhaust every opportunity. Heres a brief version:

My wife and I are 30 years old. Together for 7 and married for 1.5. We began having problems about midway through our relationship, just general communication issues, lack of affection, etc (Mostly on my end). We were always madly in love though, so I thought. In September 2016 she began leaving for weekends at a time and wanted space. Came home in October 2016 and she was gone, I mean everything except bed, couch, tv, and some cups and silverware. Received an email later that night that she wants to get my attention, that she wants me to realize her worth. She would never tell me where she lives so I found that strange. She began acting strange. We seen each other maybe once a week. Fast forward March 2017, find out she moved in with a guy who always liked her. They have been together since she left. Shes mad and says her affair is my fault. We still talk everyday and she says she loves me, not in love deal. She does not know if she wants to be with me anymore. She cant choose between me and him. I, her husband, am now the side piece. I really want to make this work but have lost hope and self respect. Anyone on here gone through this and came out with a happy ending? And how did you do it?

I know this looks grim, not expecting a good outcome.

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post #2 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 04:32 PM
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Re: How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

How is this any different than your previous thread?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #3 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 04:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

Because I asked for reconcile advice and didnt get any except divorce.
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post #4 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

I'm going to make this one post, and I'm going to leave this alone.

What we want to hear and what we need to hear are often two entirely different things.

Good luck.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #5 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 04:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

Shoot as hard and embarrassing as it is, your right. Thanks again. Maybe Ill have something to say to help someone else when all this becomes a distant memory.
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post #6 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 04:56 PM
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Re: How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

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Originally Posted by dale1657 View Post
Anyone on here gone through this and came out with a happy ending? And how did you do it?

I know this looks grim, not expecting a good outcome.
Yes, I have gone through the experience of a cheating wife blaming me for her failings and me wanting it to just stop and stay married.

The GOOD outcome was NOT the one my wounded ego wanted.

The GOOD outcome only happened when I retrieved my pride and control of things and booted her out of my life.

My happy ending was to be rid of her and to move on.
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post #7 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 05:02 PM
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Re: How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

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Because I asked for reconcile advice and didnt get any except divorce.
Here's the problem Dale, you can't reconcile while the cheating is still ongoing. All you can do is sweep it under the rug. I mentioned in the other thread that you can choose to stop the divorce to try and reconcile if she comes around.

You can, however, keep your marriage if you want. It just comes with the price of letting your wife live with some other guy, and letting him **** her at night. Letting him take her out around town, and keeping your relationship with your wife a secret.

That's your call. If you decide to do that, I maintain my previous advice: get a therapist who supports cuckoldry, and who can try to help you navigate that.

If you go that route, you might try r/CuckoldCommunity. (NSFW Warning) They are devoted to letting other people **** their wives, maybe they can help.

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #8 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 05:11 PM
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Re: How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

@dale1657,

I promise I won't tell you to divorce her. What you do is your choice.

The truth is no one can tell you that there is a way to reconcile with someone who is active in a relationship with another. There are those that will take your money for false hopes and just leave you broke and alone in the end.

I will ask you what makes you want a woman who doesn't want to be with you? ...a woman who has chosen to be with another man!

Don't you think you deserve someone who wants to be with you and only you? Don't you think everyone deserves that? Is your sense of self-worth so damaged you don't think you deserve better?

Let's get back to the outcome. It could be a good outcome. It could be one where you pull your pants up, dust yourself off, and learn from this. An outcome where Dale becomes the man he wants to be and gets what he deserves of a good life. How about you put her aside for now and work on you first and see where that goes. How does that sound?

Take a look at these links...No More Mr. Nice Guy

"I'm a Nice Guy, the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. Why doesn't she want me?"

Best

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Resources for men...
ADHD and Marriage

Last edited by anchorwatch; 05-11-2017 at 08:02 PM.
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post #9 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 05:11 PM
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Re: How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

Kivlor has it right. For a marriage to work BOTH people have to want it. You want it but your wife doesn't at this point. Since all you can do is control yourself, you are essentially stuck waiting for her to have that aha moment when she gets her clarity and chooses you. The only real way that could coax that to happen is for her to fear losing you, so you have to be willing to walk out (not bluff) and start taking actions to improve yourself and start creating your life without her.

The standard recommendations are to expose her affair, do the 180, and file for divorce. If those don't wake her up then nothing will.
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post #10 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 05:16 PM
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Re: How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

If you don't want to divorce her then your other option is to wait around for some unknown period of time hoping that eventually she will choose you. If she gets bored with him then she may come back. Or she may find someone else to take his place. There's always that risk too.

If you're willing to put your life on hold while you wait for something that may never happen then certainly you can do that. But whether you will be happy with the result (either way) is another story.

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post #11 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 05:26 PM
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Re: How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

Your wife isn't bitter, she's checked completely out.

1) See a lawyer and divorce ASAP
2) see a dr and get STD tested
3) go to a counselor and tell them you want to work on your self esteem issues

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #12 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 07:41 PM
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Re: How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

You can go the Van Gogh route. Doesn't have to be your ear though, she seems to want more then that.

Dude we are telling you to divorce because from an outsiders perspective there looks to be very little hope and you are basically just going to hurt yourself in trying. You are not going to get what you want and in the end when you come to your senses you are going to feel worse for trying.

We are not trying to ruin your day we just have a much clearer perspective then you.
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post #13 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 09:53 PM
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Re: How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

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Originally Posted by dale1657 View Post
Because I asked for reconcile advice and didnt get any except divorce.
Regardless of the advice you receive, how do you imagine you'll be able to reconcile with someone who clearly wants to divorce?

What magic formula do you think someone is going to hand you?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #14 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 10:17 PM
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Re: How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

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Originally Posted by dale1657 View Post
I have made several posts on other sections on here. Most answers came back to divorce her, which I have every right to and cant disagree. However, I do want to exhaust every opportunity. Heres a brief version:

My wife and I are 30 years old. Together for 7 and married for 1.5. We began having problems about midway through our relationship, just general communication issues, lack of affection, etc (Mostly on my end). We were always madly in love though, so I thought. In September 2016 she began leaving for weekends at a time and wanted space. Came home in October 2016 and she was gone, I mean everything except bed, couch, tv, and some cups and silverware. Received an email later that night that she wants to get my attention, that she wants me to realize her worth. She would never tell me where she lives so I found that strange. She began acting strange. We seen each other maybe once a week. Fast forward March 2017, find out she moved in with a guy who always liked her. They have been together since she left. Shes mad and says her affair is my fault. We still talk everyday and she says she loves me, not in love deal. She does not know if she wants to be with me anymore. She cant choose between me and him. I, her husband, am now the side piece. I really want to make this work but have lost hope and self respect. Anyone on here gone through this and came out with a happy ending? And how did you do it?

I know this looks grim, not expecting a good outcome.
She clearly is a unicorn who ****s gold. That's the only reason I can see for you to still desperately wanting her.
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post #15 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 01:01 AM
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Re: How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
I'm going to make this one post, and I'm going to leave this alone.

What we want to hear and what we need to hear are often two entirely different things.

Good luck.


You are right about that...


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