My husband and I have been married almost 10 years (anniversary is in 1 month). He has cheated on me twice in the last two years. The first time was 2 years ago when he was out of state for a job for 2 months. He said he was drunk in a bar and had sex with someone and immediately regretted it. While packing for our vacation in March I found in the suitcase 2 condoms (guessing from a 3 pack) and a bottle of lube. This was planned sex. You don’t stop at Walmart for lube and condoms if you are drunk. He had plenty of time to think about what he was doing while he was paying for his sex accessories. He still hasn’t explained it because “I don’t want to hear it”. The second time was an affair last summer with a woman 10 years older and the complete opposite of me. Where I am a jeans, t-shirt and sneakers kind of girl, she was a heels, fake nails, make up to the 9s, dresses, ect.. high maintenance type of woman. This was more involved and stemmed from an EA to a PA. I kicked him out of the house and he stayed with her for a week or so before he realized how stupid he was and begged to come back and work on our marriage. I didn’t find out about the first sex affair until we started discussing the current one. (I found the condoms and lube after I already knew, but that just solidified it) So he kept it from me for over a year. I am still extremely hurt from these affairs, but he feels I need to let it go because I forgave him and agreed to work on us. I have done my best to not think about what he did. Recently he became facebook friends with another woman (another customer he sees at work, just like the older woman). She is another high maintenance beautiful woman. He has brought her up in conversation before, and said she’s a lesbian, etc. Just someone he has a short conversation with when he sees her (on a daily basis). I brought up how I feel threatened by her, and immediately he gets on the defense about me accusing him of cheating again, etc... I didn’t accuse him, all I did was tell him what was on my mind when he asked what was wrong. He could tell something was bothering me. He swears he isn’t interested in her, it’s just day to day mundane conversations. She runs a small family business and her dad was recently hospitalized with a heart condition similar to what my husband had done, so they talk about that, and other random things. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt on this one. Even though I have no reason to really trust him yet.
So because I brought this up it turned into a huge argument about how he’s not going to live his life watching over his shoulder. He’s going to do what he wants and doesn’t care about how I feel about it. He said he wants a divorce, he’s never going to live the affairs down and doesn’t want to be accused like this the rest of his life. He fails to realize it hasn’t even been a year since he left me for the older woman. Yes, I did forgive him and by doing that I suppose he expected me to move on. But there are still triggers, like when he starts talking to these ‘types’ of women. He told me he still loves me, but isn’t in love with me anymore. Same thing he said last year on D day. So after working hard for 8 months, going to counseling together, giving it everything I have, keeping my mouth shut about anything bothering me about his infidelities, it still isn’t enough. He wanted me to be more affectionate and “wifey”. I’ve done both. I even had boudoir photos taken for his anniversary present. (And I have never felt sexy in my life, but I posed in lingerie for these photos and they actually look great, but he hasn’t seen them yet. It was supposed to be a surprise but I told him yesterday out of anger that I got them done and he told me to save them for the next guy-seriously) He told me yesterday what I already knew. He doesn’t love me as much as I love him. And I must really love him to put up with everything he’s done. He told me that our relationship is the worst one he’s ever had. You can imagine how that crushed me. I was in the bathroom most of the day yesterday just crying.
He can’t move out yet, our finances won’t allow it. So he said he’s gonna start saving money from his paychecks until he has enough to leave. Then I’m on my own. As the day went on, he starts saying he’s not sure what he wants to do. I think he’s just scared to live on his own. He’d have to start completely over with a new place, buy his own groceries, cook, do his own laundry, run his own errands, pay his own bills, ect. Everything that I do for him. I really think he just wants me to keep taking care of him and in turn he’ll pretend that everything is ok, or pretend to be in love with me to satisfy me.
I know I deserve better. I know eventually I could find someone who loves me as much as I love them. I can survive on my own, the only thing that worries me is finances. He would have to pay child support, we have 2 kids. It would be tight, but I think it’s doable. He just texted me this morning and asked if I want to work on this or call it quits. How do you call it quits when you still love someone? How do you walk away from your life and husband of 10 years? He was the one who wanted to leave, now he wants to work on it? Again? But he’s not in love with me? I’m so confused, hurt, angry, sad, disappointed and very emotional right now. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to stick it out, see if he’s really gonna change and the other part just wants him gone so I can move on with my life. He broke my heart more than once. I don’t think I have it in me to keep doing this. Maybe I just slowly detach while stashing money on the side. I just feel defeated. Thanks for listening (or reading).
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So because I brought this up it turned into a huge argument about how he’s not going to live his life watching over his shoulder. He’s going to do what he wants and doesn’t care about how I feel about it. He said he wants a divorce, he’s never going to live the affairs down and doesn’t want to be accused like this the rest of his life. He fails to realize it hasn’t even been a year since he left me for the older woman. Yes, I did forgive him and by doing that I suppose he expected me to move on. But there are still triggers, like when he starts talking to these ‘types’ of women. He told me he still loves me, but isn’t in love with me anymore. Same thing he said last year on D day. So after working hard for 8 months, going to counseling together, giving it everything I have, keeping my mouth shut about anything bothering me about his infidelities, it still isn’t enough. He wanted me to be more affectionate and “wifey”. I’ve done both. I even had boudoir photos taken for his anniversary present. (And I have never felt sexy in my life, but I posed in lingerie for these photos and they actually look great, but he hasn’t seen them yet. It was supposed to be a surprise but I told him yesterday out of anger that I got them done and he told me to save them for the next guy-seriously) He told me yesterday what I already knew. He doesn’t love me as much as I love him. And I must really love him to put up with everything he’s done. He told me that our relationship is the worst one he’s ever had. You can imagine how that crushed me. I was in the bathroom most of the day yesterday just crying.
He can’t move out yet, our finances won’t allow it. So he said he’s gonna start saving money from his paychecks until he has enough to leave. Then I’m on my own. As the day went on, he starts saying he’s not sure what he wants to do. I think he’s just scared to live on his own. He’d have to start completely over with a new place, buy his own groceries, cook, do his own laundry, run his own errands, pay his own bills, ect. Everything that I do for him. I really think he just wants me to keep taking care of him and in turn he’ll pretend that everything is ok, or pretend to be in love with me to satisfy me.
I know I deserve better. I know eventually I could find someone who loves me as much as I love them. I can survive on my own, the only thing that worries me is finances. He would have to pay child support, we have 2 kids. It would be tight, but I think it’s doable. He just texted me this morning and asked if I want to work on this or call it quits. How do you call it quits when you still love someone? How do you walk away from your life and husband of 10 years? He was the one who wanted to leave, now he wants to work on it? Again? But he’s not in love with me? I’m so confused, hurt, angry, sad, disappointed and very emotional right now. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to stick it out, see if he’s really gonna change and the other part just wants him gone so I can move on with my life. He broke my heart more than once. I don’t think I have it in me to keep doing this. Maybe I just slowly detach while stashing money on the side. I just feel defeated. Thanks for listening (or reading).
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