ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
Has anyone had their WS ask for the same transparency that the LS demands for R?
WW and I are attempting R after her ending a 3 1/2yr affair with an ex boyfriend in Oct last year. I made my requirements clear for R which included all access to electronic media (email, social sites, phone records, etc) which she has given me.
She hasn't directly asked me to provide access. She's asking in a round about way like "Are you ever going to give me the same access?" or "you have access to everything of mine. you haven't offered anything and you have a work cell phone with no records is another thing."
To which I responded "I'm not the one who totally destroyed all trust between us. I understand the idea of reciprocation, but I didn't use electronic media to hide, deceive, and conduct an illicit affair. You need to earn my trust back, not the other way around."
She came back with "so you aren't giving me access to your emails or phone?"
I don't feel that I'm obligated to give her access. I would be OK if she had access as I don't have anything to hide. It's more the principal of it. She cheated and shattered our trust. She needs to step up, not me.
You should lead by example and be transparent because it's good for the mariage in addition as a way to reestablish trust. It's not punishment, it's security. Posted via Mobile Device
You should lead by example and be transparent because it's good for the mariage in addition as a way to reestablish trust. It's not punishment, it's security. Posted via Mobile Device
Thank you for the response. Yeah I get that doing so would set a positive example. I don't think of it as a punishment, although she seems to have some resentment with having to provide it to me. So maybe she is trying to inflict a little bit of punishment back on me in her own way.
I think that you need to back wayyyyyy up to the time before the affair.
There should be no reason for either of you to hide anything.
She is likely worried about you having a revenge affair.
I have nothing to hide. So why can't I get past this and just do it? Maybe I resent her even asking for it since I didn't cheat and feel I shouldn't have to. My feeling is she will say it's only fair that I do the same for her. Where was her fairness when she blew off her husband and family for OM? OK, I still have bitterness issues!
Thank you for the response. Yeah I get that doing so would set a positive example. I don't think of it as a punishment, although she seems to have some resentment with having to provide it to me. So maybe she is trying to inflict a little bit of punishment back on me in her own way.
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That's the point it may help her feel better about it because she may view it as punishment. In addition it also will show you listen.
Help her succeed in R. Posted via Mobile Device
I have nothing to hide. So why can't I get past this and just do it? Maybe I resent her even asking for it since I didn't cheat and feel I shouldn't have to. My feeling is she will say it's only fair that I do the same for her. Where was her fairness when she blew off her husband and family for OM? OK, I still have bitterness issues!
Understandable. You did nothing wrong, yet are expected to conform to the same rules as someone who screwed up.
Be the bigger person and say, "Here. This is all my data, passwords, log ins, etc,. I have nothing to hide and never have.
I expect no less from you."
Understandable. You did nothing wrong, yet are expected to conform to the same rules as someone who screwed up.
Be the bigger person and say, "Here. This is all my data, passwords, log ins, etc,. I have nothing to hide and never have.
I expect no less from you."
You should lead by example and be transparent because it's good for the mariage in addition as a way to reestablish trust. It's not punishment, it's security. Posted via Mobile Device
That said, while "transparency" is admirable, what's to stop a WS from creating alt accounts from work/library? Once that splinter of doubt gets under the skin, it's hard to remove.
Not trying to make you second-guess R, OP...just sayin in general...
Trust is a two way street. Give her what she asks for. No skin off your back. She is probably "projecting", expecting you to have revenge sex because deep down she knows that's probably what she would have done if the tables had been turned. This is classic cheater psychology. Your wife seems to have deep seated trust issues, probably from her childhood. Wouldn't hurt to have her get some IC.
number 1, i dont think she deserves to ask or expect shiut.
on the other side of this, i think there should be total transparency from the beginning.
my exgf and i were in a serious relationship and each offered total transparency during the relationship.
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Wayward wants transparency too- opinions? 
