Dwindling hope

Incomplete1112 · 01-15-2012, 10:31 PM

Been married 3 years this past november and have one son. So a month and a half ago my wife told me she wanted a divorce, she left the house, I told her the next day to come back that I would go stay with my mom and dad(first mistake, I never should have left my son.) Over a period of a couple weeks I'd figured out she'd been working with someone for divorce advice and preparing herself to go through with it a month and change prior to telling me. Big trust issues there, but I find myself wanting to believe that she was just getting advice and nothing else from this person, after I asked in detail about everything. So I go two weeks and decide I'm done then one day I realize I want my family back and I will do whatever it takes. I take her a letter of all my faults in the marriage, I tell her we will move away from my family and start a life without outside pressure, I tell her how I have realized my faults. ect ect. Well...In the meantime around the time when I'd decided to give up I'd contacted an old....thing. My wife knew of this person and knew we had sex before me and my wife were married. I may have contacted this person out of spite and really had no intentions of trying to get sex from her. I stated that in the messages we sent. I also spoke badly of my wife to this person, saying things like I miss having someone but I dont miss her. How she wasnt the best woman out there ect ect. I'd asked this person out several times simply because I was so sick of sitting around my parents and sisters houses and I wanted to get out and have some fun(without sex). We never did go out. All we did was talk. I vented my negative energy to her really and attempted to use her as a social outlet. (second mistake, I should have found someone else, especially not someone I'd had sex with before) So back to the fact that I'd decided not to give up. I gave her the letter and a couple days later took her and my son out to eat. I left my phone in the truck and told my wife to take my son out cause he was being bad while I took care of the ticket. There was a message on my phone to the girl where I said "if she doesnt go we still will." My wife seen that, and assumed I meant me and the girl will go, yet in truth I meant me and my son. A couple days later she hacks my into my facebook and finds all of our messages. She calls me a liar and says everything I told her about reconciling was a lie. I talked to her for about an hour and a half a couple nights afterwards and we went through the messages and I explained that I was hurt and angry and that she had misunderstood alot of things and some things there were just no excuse for. She explained to me that she was actually considering giving me another chance and moving away with me. Now she wont really talk to me at all and I'm back at a point where it hurts nearly as bad as when it first started. I feel that maybe I should just continue making the changes I need to make and hope that she see's the sincerity in my actions while I slowly continue the divorce process. I feel this woman is my soul mate. Any advice?

EleGirl · 01-15-2012, 10:40 PM

You still have the right to move back into the family home. You might want to consider that. Is there an extra bedroom you can move into?

You cannot take all of that back. But you can start acting less reactionary in the furture. Ask her to go to marriage counseling with you.

Incomplete1112 · 01-15-2012, 10:57 PM

I have asked about counseling, she refused to go. As far as the house she is moving at the beginning of next month. Even in the messages with this other girl I stated I just wanted to make things work with my wife. However there were times I said things to give myself hope. It was a dire mistake. I hit on the girl and thats where I said things were said that had no excuse. I think I did it just because I felt like I could, I was kicked out, unwanted, and she told me she didn't care what I did. There were also messages from days when my wife had made me very angry while I was in my "give up" mode and I said mean things about her. I just wish I could get her to understand that I meant everything I said to her about my faults and my goals for our marriage and that everything I said to the other girl was just me trying to cope day to day.

EleGirl · 01-15-2012, 11:18 PM

Well you wife does not seem to realize that her kicking you out and saying she wants a divorce has consequences. While your actions were foolish since things can change fast when emotions are running amuck, she did something foolish as well since she basically decided to throw you away. Then tried to pull you back.

I think that the best thing you can do right now is the 180.. look in my signature block for the link.

It will help you get some strength back. She will also get a chance to see what life is truely without you. This might turn her around.

And stop the nonsense with other women until this mess is decided.

Incomplete1112 · 01-15-2012, 11:20 PM

I suppose I will think about seeking counseling on my own. I've also thought about charity work. Simply because I never dedicated myself to my family like I should have and now I am fully ready to do so and can not. So why not use that energy to dedicate myself to people in need until (hopefully) I get a chance to use it for my family full time. The thing that kills me is if she was really considering things this time it makes me feel hopeful that she will again as long as she continues to see progress and no more BS, which I have cut communication with the other girl.

Incomplete1112 · 01-15-2012, 11:25 PM

Thanks for the site, I have it favorited and will look at it each day. I'll start with getting sleep as she will be dropping off our son in 5 hours. I look forward to more advice, thanks in advance.

synthetic · 01-16-2012, 12:24 AM

Your wife is using your contact with that girl as an excuse to weaken your position.

The fact is she wanted the divorce. She left and then came back only when you told her you would leave. That's called quitting. She quit her marriage hoping only good things would come of it. Well it never works that way. Playing with the "divorce" word has consequences and she's facing it right now.

You don't have much to apologize for, but you want this marriage to work now so any contact with the other girl would work against your wish.

The 180 is the route to take for now until your wife realizes that she can't just decide to call it quits and receive a bowl of roses in return.

Be strong. This will be a test for your wife too. If she loves her son, she MUST attend MC.

Incomplete1112 · 01-16-2012, 06:36 PM

So far today I have had minimal contact with her, she contacted me about keeping my son so she could take care of some school work(college) I happily agreed. Then she came to get him

a little over an hour later. We exchanged few words mostly regarding our son. I paid 95% attention to my son and I did not say bye to her either time, perhaps I should have. Although I

was cheerful and attentive in each meeting. She has been bearable however her attitude tends to show through a little at all times. She is still quite angry. I was thinking about

apologizing once more but decided I'd said enough in our hour and a half long conversation Saturday. This is not the first time I did the 180 actually. Without realizing it many of the

things I did in the two week period that I had given up on us, however I talked to another girl which screwed up reconciliation. This time I am thinking I will let it ride out until she brings

it up or until the divorce is final. I have made it well known that I have realized my problems and have dedicated myself to fixing them and my marriage. Perhaps I have done enough for

now at least. If we do start reconciling MC will be one of my requirements and I think she will be willing to go as well. However right now I believe any suggestions are just going to further push her away. Thanks for the responses and please keep them coming.

Incomplete1112 · 01-16-2012, 09:08 PM

Just a quick update, I had a bout not long after my first post, I just wanted to call her up tell her how sorry I was and try to make her understand. I resisted. Instead I turned on my Ipod

cleaned my room up did 50 push ups and 100 crunches made a goals list on facebook and inquired into joining the local volunteer fire department. Just writing it out makes me realize how

much Good I did for myself instead of slumping back over for her. I don't want to move on. I don't want to spend another night without her next to me. I don't want to spend another

moment away from my son. However I did not choose this decision it was chosen for me. This is me recovering from a week long relapse that almost got her back. It hurt so much to

hear her say she was actually thinking about moving with me, however she never said she was going to. If she was thinking that hard about it then she will come back around. If she

wasn't then I'm better off staying true to myself and my son despite my wants for her. I do miss the companionship and it is very tempting to seek another partner. I never expected

myself to be the type that would want to immediately jump back into another relationship after such a crushing blow yet I am still wise enough to know that would be a mistake. I will

try to take each day as it comes, I just have to stay motivated to improve myself for myself and my son. My stomach is already sore.

Incomplete1112 · 01-17-2012, 10:06 PM

Well, today was my day to keep my son overnight and I had alot to take care of. My wife became instant ***** as soon as I told her I wasn't sure exactly when I could get him. I stated to her that I'd just watched him for her so she could do homework and that I will be getting him I just dont know when. She just argues...she is making herself miserable with things that are simple and she tryin to drag me down as well. I called back after talking to my mom(who I currently live with) and told her an exact time but that I wouldnt be here. She said ok and that was that. I Managed to get some work done on my truck and I also went down to the fire department and joined as a volunteer. I look forward to the work. I have also heard her telling people that she has proof that I had an affair from the messages on facebook...Unless she doctors them she has jack **** and I have kept the originals as well. Why must she insist on tryin to make me miserable? She is turning people against me left and right and making me out to be some horrible person. I had friends in this town and now I feel like I have angry eyes on me at all times. She says that I am the one causing all the crap. However when she doesn't get her way she doesnt want to cooperate or even talk to me like a human being. I'm thinkin reconciling is out of the question. I am better than this and I don't deserve it. She walked out on me and threw our marriage out the window. I still constantly want to try and reconcile though....Maybe its not worth it. If she saw this she would automatically say that I am being an *******. However it's obvious she has made no attempt to stand in my shoes what so ever.

Incomplete1112 · 01-17-2012, 10:34 PM

Could I get an admin to move this thread to going through seperation or divorce? Sorry it should have probably been there in the first place.

Incomplete1112 · 01-17-2012, 10:46 PM

Something I did not add in the beginning was that my wife started talking to someone a month before we separated through text messages. I asked about the number and she said it was a girl friend. I Looked at my phone bill and seen that this number was texted back and forth over 3000 times that month. With Several picture messages back and forth. I had the number called. It was a man. I confronted her and she lied saying it was her friends husband and she was using his phone. She eventually came out and told me she was seeking divorce advice from another man(police officer) and the pictures were actually of the house in a wreck and me on the computer. She says the returned picture messages were from when this person replied it automatically replied as a picture message. At first I did not believe her. Slowly I found myself wanting to believe her as she has never really been the type to do stuff like that. When I first started hanging around her she had a boyfriend and would not kiss me. However we began an emotional relationship at that time. So I dont know, I've simply chosen to believe that it doesn't matter either way and that I will accept him as competition. I'm a fool lol. I did not mention this earlier because I am trying to stay focused that it really doesn't matter if she is having an an affair or not. I dont want to be sucked back in by the suspicions as I found myself in a very uncomfortable state.