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synthetic 01-22-2012 12:13 AM

A brick wall. Am I done?
 
Please read. This is gonna be long, but gets very complicated and interesting. NO INFIDELITY. Much more complicated.

So I had set out to reconcile with the love of my life at any cost. I mean any cost except losing my dignity.

I have sought tremendous amounts of information, help, therapy, self-reflection and mental strength. I was doing well. Very well. In fact, I felt so good about myself and my future that I was certain my wife would absolutely run back to me without any hesitation. I had the signals, the signs, the hope and strength to go it all.

Today for the first time I woke up feeling absolutely positive that my wife and I would be together in a few weeks or months regardless of how crappy that period might be. I felt so strong, I was giving advice to people on how to reconcile.

I have changed. Very much. For the better. For myself. The wife has noticed. We are on good terms and somewhat communicating. I had it all under control. I was set to be a man she would absolutely adore and I knew deep down that I truly loved her.

UNTIL

I wanted to put snow tires on her car (which I have keys to and bought it for her). I wanted to do this to put my own mind at ease about her driving in the snow.

Well...

I start the car and the stereo starts playing a CD. It's a CD of my wife's appointment with her spiritual therapist. It's a very recent appointment because he talks about dates and events that took place after her leaving our home.

This spiritual therapist is crazily overwhelming with emotions and certainty. He really knows how to make people believe the stuff he says.

Here's the gist of what he said: (1 hour session with a lot of spiritual context along with soothing music and mind boggling emotions pouring out of this therapist :scratchhead: :confused: )

"My Dear ...(my wife's name). I see that you have broken free from a marriage where you gave 'so much' but received little. Your husband has issues of his own and will continue to do so. You deserve better. Your husband did not want you to feel confident enough in life due to his own insecurities. You will fall in love with someone other than him and have a wonderful life. You will be a wonderful mother. I see a great future for you after this"

He sounds so convincing, I have started doubting myself. I

I'm destroyed. Really. After everything I had planned. After all the changes.

I love my wife dearly. I lover her to the point of being suicidal (not healthy I know but that's how much I want her).

I feel broken.

I'm a very confident person in life when it comes to stuff other than my love for my wife. I have an amazing (really amazing) career where I excel at things without even trying all that hard. I have enough money to support our life and generously give to her family and my own. I have a very fulfilling habit of researching the crap out of everything I get curious about. I'm a curious person by nature. I know myself and I love myself the way I am and am completely willing to change myself to fix the flaws that might stand in the way of my wife loving me.

Problem is: I LOVE MY WIFE SO MUCH and I F***ING MISS HER TO THE POINT OF BEING ABSOLUTELY CRAZY WITH THOUGHTS OF HER BEING PHYSICALLY NEAR ME.


Am I done? Is my plan a lost cause? Do I even stand a chance against this magician who has infiltrated my wife's mind and gives her crazy hope about her future?

Please help me understand what I need to do to gain control of this feeling of helplessness.

I love her so much

Debbie Roxs 01-22-2012 12:24 AM

Re: A brick wall. Am I done?
 
I know this will sound trite, but talk to her. Let her know you heard the tape and look her in the eye and ask her if she wants to get back together. If she says no be ready to give her some space. Sounds like you are doing a lot of work improving yourself. Keep up the good work!

synthetic 01-22-2012 12:35 AM

Re: A brick wall. Am I done?
 
Debbie,

Thank you. I'm so in love with this girl I would give up my life for her. I'm doing all I can. I know I need to feel more confident than being so dependent on her, but we've been together for 11 years and I would give up everything just to be with her. I know my flaws. Most of them anyway and am addressing them one-by-one. I saw nothing in my way until this crap hit me like a hammer today.

I want to talk to her, but I know it will further push her away if I tell her how I feel about this motherf****er brainwashing her like the con-artist he is.

I'm really sad. I feel so helpless after weeks of working to get myself to a place of strength and confidence.

dymo 01-22-2012 12:46 AM

Re: A brick wall. Am I done?
 
You can't control what others say to her. You can only control you.

Don't spend your energy fretting on things that cannot be changed.
Posted via Mobile Device

synthetic 01-22-2012 12:59 AM

Re: A brick wall. Am I done?
 
Dymo,

She's so penetrable right now she will take advice from a spoon. Unfortunately, it's almost impossible to compete with the overwhelming power of this spiritual therapist (illegal with no license and wrong most of the time as I have researched).

She's a total believer in this guy's BS. I'm willing to give this time, but his words insist on her "give it time and you will find another person", so I'm fighting against a zombie.

I'm broken.

One is breaking into two
And my heart is turning blue
And you still don't get it do you, do you
I thought we had all the love to go it for the long run
So before the damage is done
Let's start back over at one

EleGirl 01-22-2012 01:50 AM

Re: A brick wall. Am I done?
 
Um, can you give that tape to some authority? The things he said are not ethical.

who is footing the bill for her to see this nut job. If it's you, can you cut off the cash flow?

dymo 01-22-2012 03:32 AM

Re: A brick wall. Am I done?
 
Doesn't matter. He is still a factor you can't control, and there's no use wasting energy on him. If you give in to hopelessness now, you've already lost.

Your wife may hold this person's opinion in high regard, but what will be more important is what she sees with her own eyes.

And remember, you're not just doing this for her. You're doing it for you.

synthetic 01-22-2012 05:08 AM

Re: A brick wall. Am I done?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by EleGirl (Post 560676)
Um, can you give that tape to some authority? The things he said are not ethical.

who is footing the bill for her to see this nut job. If it's you, can you cut off the cash flow?

EleGirl, I don't know. Is it against the law to feed people stupid baseless crap when they're paying for it themselves?

Well, she's footing the bill for this I guess since I don't see any withdrawals related to this in our shared accounts.

Hurts like hell to hear the words he spits out. They're very powerful but without any substance/evidence.



Quote:

Originally Posted by dymo (Post 560693)
Doesn't matter. He is still a factor you can't control, and there's no use wasting energy on him. If you give in to hopelessness now, you've already lost.

Your wife may hold this person's opinion in high regard, but what will be more important is what she sees with her own eyes.

And remember, you're not just doing this for her. You're doing it for you.

Dymo,

It's 6:00AM and I just woke up after 2 hours of sleeping. The fear and sadness is overwhelming.

I'm not completely hopeless, but my dreams of reconciling with her seem so far fetched after finding out about this. It feels like a lost cause considering her state of mind.

My wife lost her brother to a tragic car accident 2 months ago, and this con-artist is using that event as a spiritual sign that God is guiding my wife out of her misery towards a better life. He says all the right words that she wants to hear.

How do I expose this complex emotional affair? I know it's not a real EA, but it's even stronger. It's like morphine given to a wounded person. It heals her so fast she loses awareness of her surroundings.

Worst of all, she freaking carries the recorded session with her everywhere to get reaffirmation for her feelings when faced with the realities of life.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno 01-22-2012 05:15 AM

Re: A brick wall. Am I done?
 
The way I see it, her reality was so bad this is what she turned to.
You can't change the past.
How you react to this is going to determine whether you undermine the confidence you built up in yourself, or whether you go back to old habits of control that pushed her away to begin with. So, someone else has access to your wife's time. That's normal. People go to religious services, people go to yoga, people read books, they watch movies, they listen to music, they go to psychotherapy... so your wife has something to hold onto that makes her feel sane. She listens to it when she feels that she needs to have a choice in staying or going, to have options and not to feel as though a decision today is a decision for the entire future. In my opinion, yes, that's the way it needs to be. It's not just a matter of you getting her to make a decision at one point in time and it's a commitment for life that she has to abide by come he** or high water no matter if you slip into insecurities or whatever again. It's ALWAYS going to be a choice, she is always going to think about that recording, sure you can make it go away but it's already in her memory, a fact of her history and her life. That's probably what it's a about, a choice. If you don't get that it's always going to be a choice, maybe it's not the marriage for you. People have a right to seek opinions on their own private life. It's not really your place to control that. Did you have permission from her to go into her car? If my husband showed up and wanted to do anything to my car I would have an issue with that, as we are separated. Also, I think it's somewhat creepy that if this was a recording of a private session regarding her own issues, that you ought not to have continued listening to a whole hour of tape. There's this little button you can press, it's called eject. It keeps you from accessing stuff that's private, in her private car, that you took the keys to without discussing with her or giving her a choice of whether or not she wanted you to listen to her private issues. Just because you are married doesn't give you access to a recording of a conversation she had with someone else. I think this just highlights some control issues you have. Yes, you are a good provider and you seem to want this woman to be with you. But following certain rules you seem to have about providing and what not don't give you the right to violate someone's privacy. The thing about safety and snow tires, while commendable, is kind of BS. You should ALWAYS ask someone before doing something that takes that long with their car. What if she was going to go somewhere? You just went about taking the tires off her car, committing to that job, without talking to her first about her schedule? That would have given her the opportunity to remove her private stuff from the car. Ugh. Just ugh.

synthetic 01-22-2012 05:51 AM

Re: A brick wall. Am I done?
 
Homemaker,

My old self would've blasted you for such comments. No more.

You are absolutely right about me having some control issues and not seeing marriage as an ongoing "choice". I have come to terms with the fact that wanting to control others' feelings is a lost cause and despite marriage being a "final choice" in wording, it's a bull$hit contract that the modern life has no use for. Do I sound bitter about that? Damn right I do. No one told me my wife would suddenly decide to pack up and leave me just because she "wasn't happy" at some stage in her life. That's not what marriage is supposed to be, but who am I to say anything? Selfishness knows no boundaries and a stupid piece of paper called "marriage certificate" is sure no strong boundary anymore.

I agree with you that I invaded my wife's privacy by listening to the recording. I didn't feel good about it and understand that it was the wrong thing to do, however, I'm human and curiosity won this time.

I really thought being "ONE" with your spouse is a good thing. I guess times have changed and that's not the "in" thing anymore. How comforting to realize that a spouse can simply vanish from your life by choice and not have to explain a thing. What a lovely concept this whole idea of marriage has become.

I'm still in love with my wife. That's pretty much the only thing I feel certain about. Everything else seems like an illusion.

testing123 01-22-2012 07:38 AM

Re: A brick wall. Am I done?
 
Synthetic, that's a tough position you're in.

I'm coming out of a similar phase that you're in, the one where you are longing so much for physical contact with your wife. I think at this stage it is very unhealthy for you to dwell on that, because right now you can't have it. I was driving myself crazy thinking about physical contact with my wife, it was making me sick to my stomach. And then the thought of another man coming in and touching my wife that way would pop into my head and I'd literally be on the verge of exploding.

My suggestion is that you look up the difference between love and obsession. This has helped with me, because it's made me realize that it's not all love, a big part of it is obsession. I am somewhat obsessed with the thought of being physical with my wife, because I love the act so much with her, but how much of it is love? I'm not sure yet.

With regards to the counsellor BS, I'm in the same boat as everyone else here, no point in getting upset about something you can't control.

Runs like Dog 01-22-2012 11:46 AM

Re: A brick wall. Am I done?
 
Being a somewhat sardonic and mistrustful person myself, I am still amazed at how little work people do to cover their tracks. So little in fact I'm left with the conclusion that she wanted you to find that. The question you need to ask her, and yourself, is why? Why did she want you to hear this. What is she trying to ask you to do for her? Which problem is she looking for you to fix? Her problem or yours?

synthetic 01-22-2012 03:11 PM

Re: A brick wall. Am I done?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by testing123 (Post 560773)
Synthetic, that's a tough position you're in.

I'm coming out of a similar phase that you're in, the one where you are longing so much for physical contact with your wife. I think at this stage it is very unhealthy for you to dwell on that, because right now you can't have it. I was driving myself crazy thinking about physical contact with my wife, it was making me sick to my stomach. And then the thought of another man coming in and touching my wife that way would pop into my head and I'd literally be on the verge of exploding.

My suggestion is that you look up the difference between love and obsession. This has helped with me, because it's made me realize that it's not all love, a big part of it is obsession. I am somewhat obsessed with the thought of being physical with my wife, because I love the act so much with her, but how much of it is love? I'm not sure yet.

With regards to the counsellor BS, I'm in the same boat as everyone else here, no point in getting upset about something you can't control.


testing 123,

Thanks. I agree obsession plays a part. I'm so afraid of dissecting my feelings for her only to feel numbness and confusion about her at the end. I've seen my friends and perhaps my own parents go through this whole dissecting of feelings associated with "love" and it never has a good outcome. They lose their true appreciation for love (which naturally has obsession mixed in it). Some people I know decided to completely abandon the feeling of "love" in fear of becoming obsessed with someone. I don't find that appealing at all. I'm probably in the wrong to assume that love/obsession is one of the highest forms of emotions that should be cherished instead of feared. I don't know :confused:


Quote:

Originally Posted by Runs like Dog (Post 560946)
Being a somewhat sardonic and mistrustful person myself, I am still amazed at how little work people do to cover their tracks. So little in fact I'm left with the conclusion that she wanted you to find that. The question you need to ask her, and yourself, is why? Why did she want you to hear this. What is she trying to ask you to do for her? Which problem is she looking for you to fix? Her problem or yours?

I'm absolutely certain she had no intention of letting me know about it. Yet anyway. She's been to this guy's sessions multiple times in our marriage and she never told me about them. I only found out via this recording when this con-artist brought it up in this last session. It hurt so much to find out that my wife had somewhat checked-out of our marriage long before and was seeking this kind of therapy (can you even call it that?) without letting me know. I feel somewhat betrayed.

believergirl 01-22-2012 08:20 PM

Re: A brick wall. Am I done?
 
Seriously, no spiritual teacher would say something like that. Come on, be strong enough to fight for who you love. Keep the faith that love is the most powerful weapon to destroy any adversity in life. Believe in yourself, there is nothing to be afraid of. I'll be praying for you guys.
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synthetic 01-22-2012 09:02 PM

Re: A brick wall. Am I done?
 
Believergirl,

Thank you. I'm still in shock about what this bastard said about me without ever having seen or heard me. It's incredible that this guy has been a "therapist" for 32 years and no one has called him on his destructive approach.

I'm so sad my wife finds herself so vulnerable to seek such kinds of comfort. I feel like she's not the person I have adored since I was 19 years old. Her brother's death has turned her into a desperate freedom seeker.

I can't lose hope yet. That would be the death of the most special thing I have in life, our marriage. But I can't stop thinking about the lack of solutions for this scenario. I don't want the solution to be me moving on and her ending up with someone else. I have pictured my future with her all the way till death. To get out of that thought-process would be extremely sad.

I wish I could read reconciliation stories of similar kind that would give me more hope.


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