Sparkles422

We were divorced back in July after his EA. According to him it never went to PA.

He answered all of my questions including admitting he fell in love with a fantasy but now is no longer in love. But, although I found out and now the OW's kids found out together with that spouse, they're still in contact because "she needs me". I told him to get out, he is just an appendage to their marriage.

The big issue here is trust. He doesn't understand that this EA destroyed the trust. I explained how it felt and he doesn't want to recognize that. He is focused on how I checked out of the marriage 2 years ago. Then he says because of that I drove him to EA. Told him he is not a puppet on a string, he said what should he have done and I said divorce clean and neat. Not EA. He didn't want a divorce and so he has told all of his family and friends that it shouldn't have happened.

Unfortunately as he is leaving his cell rings with the little jingle that tells those that know AP is on phone.

Told him if he wants reconciliation, he has to go NC. He said he didn't have a problem with that. Evidently, he has gone out on several dates and told me about them.

I don't know about this. I had a lousy night's sleep. It's going to be so much work and I don't trust him.

He is going to call for a play date.

Any words of wisdom? Other than baby steps? I don't feel valued at this point. Sort like the consolation prize.

Sparkles422

I can't answer those questions. That's the problem.

You may be right. My male friend (I have men friends) says he loves me after reading the emails sent to me from ex. His face says the same, however, he has gotten entangled. He said it was over a while ago and he was dating. This was true he was dating. He stated that he would end this ea if we reconciled and that it would not pose a problem.

I am in such turmoil. Not pain exactly but just unsure. So I must take my time. Trust is a big issue.

One thing doesn't change: my life continues as it is.

COGypsy

I feel like a bull in the ring I see so many red flags here.....

1. Can't stay out of touch long enough to talk to you about reconciling.

2. Is that supposed to be a compliment? Or letting you know that he's let them know that they mean crap to him if he gets a better offer, so no worries about him needing to call all these dates for "closure"?

3. If you're talking about reconciling, I would think it should be a little like a wedding. Yes, you know it's a lot of work, but it comes with a thrill of anticipation and romance that makes it worth stepping into it.

4. Dear Lord....please, please, please don't let him talk you into a sexual audition so that he can "decide"!

5. Which is it? Is it over? Is it over only if you get back together? Is he dating? Both? All?

Trust isn't a stumbling block here.....it's a 12 foot wall with electricity and barbed wire on top, at least if it were me.

Almostrecovered

clean state in this instance sounds too much like rug sweeping to me

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Sparkles422

I received a long email from him. He closed his a/c on match, it is over with OW, "too much baggage" and realized the symptoms of grass is greener crap... and the bridge building is going to be slow, steady for re-kindling trust, friendship and companionship. His tone was measured, slow, thoughtful and insightful. It extremely defenseless and open.

Sincere apologies from him for choosing affair in answer to our problems. "It is truly over" but he does not expect me to simply take his word for it.

We are working on communication and so far I am satisfied. I am working on not detaching and ignoring his existence. Which I had done for 2 years. We both had terrible coping mechanisms.

I can't say this road will be smooth but we are going to give it another chance but gradually. We have no plans to see each other at this moment and certainly sex is far from the subject at all. We are just getting our feet wet and trying to establish an open discussion without acrimony.

There has been no rug sweeping. Our conversation lasted for 4 hours uninterrupted, face to face and he answered every question I asked at that point. I told him about my pain and he listened and absorbed.

So far so good.

PS: The play date was for golf LMFAO!

ProfJ

Well...I really do hope it works out in the end for you.
Everybody wants a happy ending, just know the forum is here for whatever.
This forum has given me so much comfort. When I received the paperworks for the divorce, I felt like a really close relative died. But going here and reading stories of hurts and encouragement made me feel that I am not alone.

Sparkles422

So did I.
So far excellent. Had really indepth email exchange of the whys and feelings of marriage.

Both are taking action on these defense mechanisms. Communication is excellent.

I will be here to share and thank you for your support. You all were there when I needed you.

Runs like Dog

To what end? Civility? Who cares?

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Sparkles422

No to reconciliation, runslikedog. That is what we are working on and it is hard but we had a 6 hour talk today about open communication, how to frame concerns without finger pointing. What each of us would like, what we needed to change to feel loved, his complete disclosure of affair and why he chose this course (it was completely over emotionally last February), no PA.

We are working very hard to erect a bridge for each other and renew trust. We have no illusions how long it may take but we both feel it is absolutely worth it.

I am happy with this huge progress, but we are taking baby steps.

He is making dinner tomorrow at his place and I will watch the Superbowl with him after. He will also help me with my Math HW. Yay.

christmaslady

I seems to have your same mentality. I hope it works for you; cause I know I want it to work out for me too...this will give me some hope; as I don't really know anyone that thinks like me and/or that has been separated and even tried to reunite. Good luck!!!!