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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Reconciliation » Finally...solid progress

Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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Old 02-06-2012, 07:54 PM   #16 (permalink)
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This is Calvin's wife, all of you are right..it takes time and I am not totally mentally stable yet. I will tell you that it took me forever to really see how much hubby loves me. After I went and betrayed him he landed up rescuing me. My knight in shining armor. Wow! Ok so I am not here to blame hubby or make excuses but to explain what was going on in my very messed up brain..For many many years he was always angry, miserable, always trying to change me, always made me a nervous wreck. He always found something to gripe about. Most sentences from him started with "you need to..or you really should " and so on ok so anyway I don't have many hours at work. My kids are getting older and I've been feeling unneeded, lost, like I have no purpose, very lonely and have had way too much time on my hands..Calvin making me madder and madder..so what do I do? I irrationally sought out an ex boyfriend on fb in October..so I loved texting with him..got the attention I craved..meanwhile Kevin had his worst outburst about a month later..had me and kids in tears. I kicked him out..went to counseling and let him back the next day from the homeless shelter and he got help for his anger...The thing is he really changed! Did everything right, didn't even raise his voice..At this point I kept wanting to feel in love with him but it just wasnt there..Was distracted by my ex bf yes..hated myself..tried marriage counselling but still no spark..it was so frustrating! Well I told him how I felt nothing, just didnt feel intimate..We had our last MC and decided it was over so I told him about my EA and he instantly told me..stop talking to him..I refused and he kicked me out. Went from one sisters house to another..lost my mind...was having a nervous breakdown..Knew my kids hated me (awful feeling) Calvin suddenly had something happen at work like something told him I was in trouble..I was about to check into the menta hospital and then he texted me..asked if i was ok..talked to me..fed me and helped me. Now I know he loves m
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:00 PM   #17 (permalink)
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He knew I hadn't had any sleep..he really showed me and still is showing me he loves me...That was the whole prob lem! I didnt believe him! Now wow it's like I've fallen in love with him all over again..Oh and that ex? Well I made sure to get him off all contacts..facebook..cell phone..now I realize the grass is NOT greener on the other side. I needed to figure that out. Wish we had done MC a long time ago and never want to be in a rut again..I am back, I'm plugged in and to think I almost lost him..we will need more counseling but its so much better..I look forward to him coming home now..so in. love with him. He is the best!
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:04 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Oh,boy...I admitt I lost sight of her,Catherine said it best,I didnt know what I had.Yes I did also feel like a workhorse,felt like that was why I was around but now things are looking way up.I think after 20 years things got stale and we lost sight of eachtother,now.....thumbs up : ).Appreciation seems to be there on both sides....
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:43 PM   #19 (permalink)
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btw- my whole point is..emotional relationship..to me it was like an escape..I used to read to escape, sometimes I help others to escape..anything that will distract me from my real problems. I got addicted to the attention and the texting I got from the EA.. really is crazy. Now I am no longer distracted..Took a long time to believe I was lovable so was afraid Calvin was gonna go back to the Calvin that wasn't fun but my God was I wrong. It's like all that texting was a drug that was keeping me from seeing reality..The reality that yes I have issues to work on ..was easier to ignore them but soo worth it to acknowleged them and make it all better
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:47 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I thimk having her chime in here was a good idea.Yes I know I had a temper problem,I own it but I know things are getting better,I know it. This is going to work...Stay continued.
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:47 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Cant
Welcome to TAM. Made tears well up when I read your post.

When Calvin started posting, his love for you leaped off the page. His description of his gut wrenching pain was difficult to read. I hope you will read his post.

I am going to take you to task for some things that you said and seem to feel.

You mentioned that the anger issues pushed you to seeking attention from OM.

Can you see how devastating that is? Things are good now but there are always ups and downs, are you going to resort to OM when things calm down in a couple of years?

Don"t accept cheep forgiveness from your husband, work for it. Realize what you did, accept full responsibility and atone.

Don't let Calvin take any responsibility for your EA. When he tries to do it stop him and tell what you need to do to earn back his love and trust.

You are happy now and he is happy to have you home. But you must atone.

Calvin is going to have time to think about what you did. He is looking at you as a whole new person, capable of doing something he would never have imagined.

He has forgiven you but he will not forget. He will keep coming back to it again and again. For months and years. Be prepared to feel his pain.

Please don't bring up mistakes that he made. First sort out why you did this. It is not because your husband was angry or you were feeling at loose ends.

You could have picked up more hours at work or volunteered if you wanted to feel more useful. You could have gone to therapy with Calvin to work out your issues.

It was your choice to risk everyones happiness for your validation. It was not Calvin, it was you.

You are not out of the woods my ant means. If you remain the same women who had an EA, then he may decide the pain is too much in 2, 5 or even 10 years from now leave. Delayed reactions are common for BS.

You have to become a woman that your husband can respect and trust. You have to become a whole new you. The woman cheated had no respect for herself or her husband. She was not concerned for her kids to forgo seeking validation outside of marriage.

You have to own this fully and work hard to over come these faults. Your husband does not have to prove he loves you. He did not cheat, he worked on his problems.

This is no time to rest - now comes the hard part changing the person you are. Make sure that Calvin is not walking on egg-shells so as not to touch off another exit.

Be fully present, responsible. Make him relax and bask in your love. He needs the healing power of your love because he has had a very bad time.

Let him know by your actions that you love and respect him and want him to feel his home is a safe harbor.

Become a woman who is worthy of all of the gifts that life has given you. If you don't, you will lose them.
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:55 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Ty Catherine..I must always stay aware of his feelings and make sure that I don't ever get to that state of mind..so need more therapy and must put Kevin first no matter what it takes.
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:58 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by calvin View Post
Oh,boy...I admitt I lost sight of her,Catherine said it best,I didnt know what I had.Yes I did also feel like a workhorse,felt like that was why I was around but now things are looking way up.I think after 20 years things got stale and we lost sight of eachtother,now.....thumbs up : ).Appreciation seems to be there on both sides....
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Make sure not to blame your self though. The problems you had did not induce your wife to leave you and your kids, she sis that.

I am not trying to rain on your parade but asking you not to give cheap easy forgiveness. It will all blow up in a few years.

You will look at you wife when that initial excitement wears off in a year or two and if she is the same person, you may not want to stay. It called delayed reaction. An apparent successful R and the BS walks out.

The WS did not atone, and the BS did not get a chance to fully heal or be heard. The roller coster has not come to a full stop yet.

You will still go through periods of pain and disbelief. When you do share those with your wife, don't hide them no matter how often. She has to comfort you.

if your wife is becoming the type of woman you need then these feeling will ease.
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"Hey some guys need a book to find the G-spot. It was intuitive for me. Some take the road less traveled."Entropy3000

"Okay I'm going to tell you what's up. We don't want you to try to please us. We want to be the super stud who rocks your world." WorkingOnMe
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Old 02-06-2012, 09:07 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Thank you Catherine, There is a lot of truth in what you say,having her on TAMs I feel will do a lot of good.Love her but am I doing this all wrong? Not sure now...think I am....
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Old 02-06-2012, 09:08 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Quote:
Calvin
Make sure not to blame your self though. The problems you had did not induce your wife to leave you and your kids, she sis that.

I am not trying to rain on your parade but asking you not to give cheap easy forgiveness. It will all blow up in a few years.

You will look at you wife when that initial excitement wears off in a year or two and if she is the same person, you may not want to stay. It called delayed reaction. An apparent successful R and the BS walks out.

The WS did not atone, and the BS did not get a chance to fully heal or be heard. The roller coster has not come to a full stop yet.

You will still go through periods of pain and disbelief. When you do share those with your wife, don't hide them no matter how often. She has to comfort you.

if your wife is becoming the type of woman you need then these feeling will ease.



But...Catherine is being too nice to you I think Calvin.

I take back the nice things I said about you... for now.

OK, I agree you had nothing to do with your wife's infidelities. Those are hers to own... all here agree...amen.

But if you were a domineering, controlling d*ckwad of a husband to your wife, then this incident was the butt-whooping you had coming to you. So I ask you now, man to man, what pledges are you going to make to her to convince her that you are worth it in the long run?
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Old 02-06-2012, 09:18 PM   #26 (permalink)
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There are many good books and web sites that can guide you through the process. See website link.

The only mistake you can make is not to address first the flaws that made one spouse have an EA. Then to deal with the problems in the marriage that led up to the infidelity.

You don't want to be the one doing the heavy lifting because of your mistakes. You do that anyway. But you have to see her doing the heavy lifting too.

She may be resistant and try to shift the blame on you. Don't let that happen. Be resolute and She will come around.

site.Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage
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Old 02-07-2012, 05:48 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Thank you Catherine and Spudster,Yes at times I was being a big jerk,controling sometimes,I always did encourage her to go out more with her friends never told her she couldnt,she has bad anxiety problems,things would be peaceful around the house and she would flip out over nothing,somtimes she looks for thing to worry about that puts me on edge she has done a few bone headed things in the marriage that drove me nuts and cost me a lot of money,being gone from our house 77 hours a week didnt help either,I know thats no excuse.Spudster,I no the crap I pulled in our marriage and I do own it,I've apologized over and over for it,promised her I'm not going let stress get to me and I will change,I'm glad she kicked me out that one hight,made me take a long look at myself,I have had five sessions of IC for my temper and three MC sessions with her,I have promises to do better but told her watch my actions,I am going to prove the changes I made are for real.The anger never solved anything,just made things worse,I see that and I'm never going back to that way again.All I can do is prove I changed and I'm sure she knows this now,yes it makes me half nuts to know that while I was woring on me and us she was seeing this guy on the side but I am going to keep pushing foward for us both,there is still a lot of work to do.I love her,need her and want her.She is the most imortant person in my life.
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Old 02-07-2012, 05:49 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Old 02-07-2012, 06:52 AM   #29 (permalink)
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I have brought up going to MC in the past,she did'nt want to go,the one time she brought I refused out of spite,stupid I know.I do feel the problems in our marriage were both our fault...50/50 and I was to hard headed to work on my issues...tit for tat I guess.I am 100% committed to this relationship and to the changes I have made to myself,this isnt easy but I think we are going to make it
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Old 02-07-2012, 01:29 PM   #30 (permalink)
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What a beautiful day it is!

Calvin, you are a true reflection of myself and how I feel about life/marriage in general. I was hung on your story since the beginning and learned a lot from it. It would not be an exaggeration if I credited your story for the success of my reconciliation with my lovely wife.

I hope your wife (whom I realize is reading this HI!) understands what an honorable man she has by her side.

There's honorable human and then there's the honorable husband. It takes a lot more to be a husband than just a normal human being. You sir, have depicted a clear picture of that difference. Hats off to you.

Every bump in your journey was felt by my heart. I'm not sure why, but I felt very much vested in the success of your marriage even during the moments that my anger got the better of me. The affair had a bad effect on me. I ended up mistrusting my own wife because of what happened in your marriage. I still hold suspicions that are probably uncalled for, but I'm no longer afraid of feeling what I feel. I AM WHO I AM and am proud of it.

Sun is shining again. Love has prevailed once more and life has attained the face of a beautifully wrapped gift. Let's open it up. The least we can hope for is hope itself
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