She is moving back home.... - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 142 (permalink) Old 04-26-2012, 11:28 AM
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Re: She is moving back home....

Great for you guys...gives us hope. Keep us updated....

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post #47 of 142 (permalink) Old 04-27-2012, 11:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: She is moving back home....

I love my wife, always have. She has been giving a little more here and there. It is all positive to me.

To be honest, the hardest part is keeping myself in check. I would want to be in the honeymoon stage with all the perks of a fresh relationship, but the reality is she is still working through it.

So, I will take each new positive, like a hug, a hand hold, her sitting next to me on the couch, her holding me in bed as the best gift she can give me at this time.

I have this vision of us madly in love with each other, as we once were and I think she is starting to see it a little more each day.

Please keep us in your prayers and one extra for me to be patient for her full love.
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post #48 of 142 (permalink) Old 04-27-2012, 12:22 PM
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Re: She is moving back home....

You've been so incredibly patient already, ThisIsMe. I really do hope and pray for the best for you; you deserve it.
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post #49 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-02-2012, 06:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: She is moving back home....

We went to Marriage Workshop this week and the subject was Heart condition. Mine soft and open hers has been hard and guarded, but changing for the better.

I think the topic is the key at this point. If she can continue to soften her heart, I think we will make it.
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post #50 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-03-2012, 06:23 PM
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Re: She is moving back home....

this_is_me, very glad to hear your story seems to be looking up, gradually and carefully, but still moving in the right direction.

i hope to get to that stage one day, and i was curious how you implemented the 180. i am in the midst of doing the 180 and people are saying you need to adapt it to your situation, but i'm seeing fewer examples on this forum of how ppl are actually implementing the 180.

i feel like i'm kind of doing the right things, working on myself, hanging out with old friends, taking up new hobbies, going to the gym a lot more, volunteering. my WS is seeing these things via FB and she initiates txts or 'likes' the status updates on FB - i answer matter-of-factly but don't answer consistently, right-away, or over-enthusiastically... but wondering if there is more i can do.

my background thread is here: moved from CWI to going-through-divorce...

any advice or input is more than appreciated. thanks!
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post #51 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-03-2012, 08:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: She is moving back home....

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Originally Posted by gear1903 View Post
this_is_me, very glad to hear your story seems to be looking up, gradually and carefully, but still moving in the right direction.

i hope to get to that stage one day, and i was curious how you implemented the 180. i am in the midst of doing the 180 and people are saying you need to adapt it to your situation, but i'm seeing fewer examples on this forum of how ppl are actually implementing the 180.

i feel like i'm kind of doing the right things, working on myself, hanging out with old friends, taking up new hobbies, going to the gym a lot more, volunteering. my WS is seeing these things via FB and she initiates txts or 'likes' the status updates on FB - i answer matter-of-factly but don't answer consistently, right-away, or over-enthusiastically... but wondering if there is more i can do.

my background thread is here: moved from CWI to going-through-divorce...

any advice or input is more than appreciated. thanks!
It sounds like you are on the right path Gear. I think the key thing to keep in mind is that the 180 is for you mostly. To make you strong for yourself, which is alway more attractive to her and others if need be. The other points that come to mind is remembering this is a roller coaster and patience patience patience.

I wish you all the best!
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post #52 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-03-2012, 10:31 PM
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Re: She is moving back home....

Glad things are continuing to improve
I will pray for you.
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post #53 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-04-2012, 03:44 AM
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Re: She is moving back home....

This,
I think you might want to read the thermostat thread again. I am guessing that you are too warm (for her) and you are often subtly seeking her approval. Your view is that all these loving gestures make a happier/more stable marriage.

I think your wife came back to you because you are kind, considerate, loving, generous, patient and honest.

And I think she is not so sexual and not so warm to you because of the reasons above.



Quote:
Originally Posted by This is me View Post
It sounds like you are on the right path Gear. I think the key thing to keep in mind is that the 180 is for you mostly. To make you strong for yourself, which is alway more attractive to her and others if need be. The other points that come to mind is remembering this is a roller coaster and patience patience patience.

I wish you all the best!
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post #54 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-04-2012, 04:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: She is moving back home....

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This,
I think you might want to read the thermostat thread again. I am guessing that you are too warm (for her) and you are often subtly seeking her approval. Your view is that all these loving gestures make a happier/more stable marriage.

I think your wife came back to you because you are kind, considerate, loving, generous, patient and honest.

And I think she is not so sexual and not so warm to you because of the reasons above.
You may be right Mem. But honestly, the person I am and want to be is kind, considerate, loving, generous, patient and honest. I think this is what most good people strive to be.

The interesting thing is that we will be discussing this at MC tonight.

Honestly (there is that one again) I am not always all of that. I can be unkind, inconsiderate, cold, selfish, impatient and dishonest from time to time. She knows it and has used those few moments to justify her falling away as if it was the biggest part of me.

The Thermostat only makes a little sense to me, but I honestly (again) do not get it. I spent months not persuing her and it got me no where, she is not an initiator. If I had not been kind, considerate, loving, generous, patient and honest....we would be divorced right now. These qualitities kept our marriage together.

I am not sure one size fits all.
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post #55 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-04-2012, 04:17 PM
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Re: She is moving back home....

After all the torment you have been through with her, I'm wondering what are the good qualities about her that make you want to reconcile with her?

I'm sorry TIM, but I'm just not seeing what you're seeing.

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post #56 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-04-2012, 08:47 PM
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This,
Help me understand something. You say your sex life dropped off within months of getting married, does that mean:
1. She stopped initiating
2. she started frequently rejecting you
3. She didn't reject a lot but didn't seem very into it
4. She did a combo of 3 and 4


As for being "cold" what you call being cold, I would likely describe as a specific way to express anger. Cold anger and a reduced thermostat setting are completely different things.

There likely is little difference between how much we love our respective wives. And yet a giant difference in our perception regarding how much restraint to show in expressing that love. I really don't think you grasp how powerful restraint is. You have never really explained why your wife suddenly got agitated and requested a divorce. And en she left you. And yet here you are still chasing her trying to win her back, why is her heart hard?

And yes I come back to the sex thing, depending on what happened, and how much it dropped quickly you were either really crowding her or not demanding she show basic marital commitment.





QUOTE=This is me;724287]You may be right Mem. But honestly, the person I am and want to be is kind, considerate, loving, generous, patient and honest. I think this is what most good people strive to be.

The interesting thing is that we will be discussing this at MC tonight.

Honestly (there is that one again) I am not always all of that. I can be unkind, inconsiderate, cold, selfish, impatient and dishonest from time to time. She knows it and has used those few moments to justify her falling away as if it was the biggest part of me.

The Thermostat only makes a little sense to me, but I honestly (again) do not get it. I spent months not persuing her and it got me no where, she is not an initiator. If I had not been kind, considerate, loving, generous, patient and honest....we would be divorced right now. These qualitities kept our marriage together.

I am not sure one size fits all.[/QUOTE]
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post #57 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 06:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: She is moving back home....

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After all the torment you have been through with her, I'm wondering what are the good qualities about her that make you want to reconcile with her?

I'm sorry TIM, but I'm just not seeing what you're seeing.
I have known her for 20 years and she has not always been like this. Only the past year and a half. If you know my story from way back, I was shocked to hear her say she wanted divorce, then she clearly was uncertain what she wanted. The Mid Life Crisis changes people and from what I have read it is temporary. It is a fog.

I know this beautiful loving women is still there under all of this and she has been showing me more and more of her old self in the past few weeks.

We married through good and bad times, sickness (MLC) and health. I love her and I know she loves me, she is just confused. Divorce would not fix anything.
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post #58 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-05-2012, 06:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: She is moving back home....

So much good has been happening in my situation and that is why I started posting in the positive news reconciliation area.

Lets keep this area for what it is designed for, good news. No offense MEM.

Last night we had a very good session at MC. We both understand we need to continue working on it, but we are on the right path and we will work with our MC on the specifics.

I wish all that visit this area receive and give positive news to report.
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post #59 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 01:52 PM
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Re: She is moving back home....

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Originally Posted by This is me View Post
So much good has been happening in my situation and that is why I started posting in the positive news reconciliation area.

Lets keep this area for what it is designed for, good news. No offense MEM.

Last night we had a very good session at MC. We both understand we need to continue working on it, but we are on the right path and we will work with our MC on the specifics.

I wish all that visit this area receive and give positive news to report.
"This is me," thank you for sharing your reconciliation story with us. Keep us posted . There are always skeptics. I am one of them, but I'm hoping you and your wife would make it. Don't be discouraged to post more.

I'm wondering if your wife has ever felt sorry for how she treated you and if she stops blaming you for all the problems. Other than starting to show affections, does she open up to you and tell you all the problems so this would not happen again?
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post #60 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-06-2012, 03:26 PM
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This,
I will let this be my last post here as you seem to be perceiving my comments as negative as opposed to helpful.

Just to be clear, all my suggestions are aimed at you changing your behavior, they are not intended as a critique of your wife. You very carefully avoid directly facing the fact that the passion issue is not a MLC thing, it is according to one brief comment you made, all but the first few months of your marriage. You are not attempting to roll the clock back 18 months - but rather almost 2 decades.

Underneath the surface of "I am, long list of beta traits" is an absolute unshakable belief that being über nice should produce a loving reaction. Your W shows all the signs of someone who feels crowded. She knows she "should" love you, for the same list you are so proud of. Imagine how frustrated SHE is that your interactions with her are guided by such a strong focus on stability.

The desire for "sane" stability is great, the line between that and subtly fearful clinging is only visible if you look for it.

Last post I promise. Read Athol's book. Without a better grasp of what drives passion, you are not going to get where you want to be.


QUOTE=This is me;726401]So much good has been happening in my situation and that is why I started posting in the positive news reconciliation area.

Lets keep this area for what it is designed for, good news. No offense MEM.

Last night we had a very good session at MC. We both understand we need to continue working on it, but we are on the right path and we will work with our MC on the specifics.

I wish all that visit this area receive and give positive news to report.[/QUOTE]
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