jkyoung1013

My wife and I separated, long story short, I have been an ass for the last 5 years (as best I can recall). In September 11 I noticed we weren't as strong in our marriage (non-sexual side) as we should be and reached out to her saying we needed to spend more time together and "re-invest" in the marriage. She seemed open to and excited about it. Getting her to spend time with me got to be a bit of a chore even though I kept trying. At the end of January 12 I reached out to her asking if she was happy...after a lot of prying I got that she is a 4 out of 10. My thought was that 4 wasn't great, but its not a 1 so its fixable. Well that turned into she needed space, which turned into needing a full separation. I stayed with my parents for a weekend, sorry this isn't the short version I hoped for, and moved back 3 days later. Prior to that our daily schedule was we both leave by 7:30 am to drop off kids (separate cars and separate destinations) and she left work around 3 to spend about 2 hours in the car getting to pick up all the kids (again 2 destinations before getting home). She would get home between 5-5:30. I would get home from work anywhere between 6-7 at which time she would either go to the gym or 1 night a week she would go back to work. Saturday she would wake up before me and go to work, then the gym and be home somewhere between 2-3 and Sunday our oldest had piano which I took him to, and then we would clean for a while and then go to my parents house so the kids could see Grandma & Grandpa. This had been going on for about 6 months, prior to that the gym was meeting with friends to go walking for about an hour. Now she has lost about 100 pounds, so I know she is exercising. So back to the separation, the end of the first week (when I moved back for the weekend due to other family staying at my parents house) she told me that she wanted independence and wanted to talk about the money (I had been taking care of the money for the 2 years prior except the last 4 months when we were supposed to be working on it together but she never was available, she does a bad job of managing a checkbook). That day got bad and she brought up needing childsupport, getting a permanent separate place. I told her that I wanted to work on the marriage and if she wasn't then she could move out. I wasn't going to go from house to house looking for a couch to stay on. She wanted complete control over the money and I agreed to it as long as we were going to work on the marriage, but as soon as I realiezed she wanted to be roommates and not man and wife I told her I'd pay for 2/3 of all the household expenses and kid expenses (I made 2/3 the household income). That got a bit ugly, but that is the accord we came to.

I came to realize my full role in our problems and that is the way I would respond to her would make anyone feel devalued and I am working on that with a counselor. After about 3 weeks of that and me in counseling alone (she doesn't want to go to counseling because she doesn't want to air her issues to a stranger but has no problem with me going) she said she wanted to either try to work on the marriage or go our separate ways, but she was willing to work on it. I agreed and we are about a week and a half into working on it. We have set groud rules for arguing which include a pause button when the argument gets ugly, not doing so in front of the kids (almost 7 boy with asbergers, 5 1/2 girl and 3 1/2 boy with autism) and not bringing up prior arguments unless a problem previously discussed has not been fixed. I have also lost my job this past week due to allowing my personal problems to affect my work. I accept this is my issue and have not laid any blame on my wife (either internally or verbally expresed to her).

Today we were talking about getting a maid to help with the cleaning. When we were figuing out the cost I asked what was the maid going to be doing so we could plan the cost out...i.e. does she have to do bathrooms every week?..then I started to tell my wife that it will all depend on what kind of job I get, if I take a cut in pay then we would have to figure that out...before I could say the other extreme of getting a job 40 miles away making more money she interrupted me with an accusation of me telling her the obvious in fact her exact response started with "DUH". I tried to calm the situation to no avail and tried to pause the argument because it was in front of the kids and it wasn't productive; which she refutted. Once she let me finish my statement the argument ended. I then asked that she not assume my comments are negative and she seemed about half open to that. I then told her that if she can't do that then we aren't going to work. This upset her, but I told her that is a deal breaker for me.

My question is...am I wrong for setting an expectation of that nature? Also please feel free to comment and ask away on anything else you see. I love her and want the marriage to work, but if she isn't going to let the past be, then I don't see how we can move forward. Maybe I am moving too soon and that is why I am reaching out for help. Thanks and I hope this reaches everyone in good health.

John.

ferndog

from what you've posted. there's alot to take in. you said in the beginning that you acted poorly for a long time. women don't forget. Your wife lost weight and feels confident so now she sees your flaws as she gains self confidence. You lost your job so in time this will add to the stress. Rules are not bad just remember sometimes it's nice not to argue. how about calming the situation. If she gets angry just say "i didn't think about that, sounds right, or how about this" just make her feel part of a team (that's marriage). Call or text her once in a while tell her what you love about her. Women need that, well actually don't we all? once in a while try "you know I was just thinking of you, and that flower you had on your hair last week reflected off your beautiful eyes, i love you so much" etc or whatever but just be honest. stop and think right now? what makes you smile when you think of her? you can save your marriage many different ways but if you want to be happy you have to rebuild that love. at least your wife is talking to you lol. honesty always works, what bothers you tell her in a calm way. hope this helps. I question my advice sometimes since I've been linked only to my first and only girlfriend but when I think of my wife (my first girlfriend is my wife btw) I always think of first real love, and i get the butterflies and it's just honest and beautiful. but I believe we all can relate. if I could describe it the closest thing would be remember the wonder years? well picture kevin and winnie cooper. love is beautiful, Im pulling for you