Jayb

Last summer, my wife of 11 years gave me the "I don't know if I love you or could ever love you" speech, completely out of the blue. In addition, I obtained evidence of inappropriate texting/emailing between her and another man. She planned on meeting him, lied to me, yet came back, and upon confrontation, swore nothing happened, nor meeting him.

She insisted upon separation. I moved out, signed a 12 month lease down the road in order to maintain regular contact with our children. She advised me not to hope that at the end of my lease I would move back in.

I stewed in emotions for 3 months. We were civil with the children, but my underlying emotions (anger/hurt/fear/bitterness) got the best of me. I filed for divorce. She was served, without any warning.

Then began the adversarial relationship. 2 months of this persisted and it ripped me.

Then, out of the blue, I had serious second thoughts about proceeding with divorce. I wanted to somehow try to reconcile. Yet, my wife had admitted to closing the door on our relationship.

We are now in a holding period for a few months. In addition, we are attending weekly counseling. I am hopeful and willing. She is disengaged and doubtful.

I have witnessed baby steps toward saving us. But, my emotions sometimes get the best of me. I made mistakes during this time that I truly regret and want to correct them.

How common is it for the divorce filer to actively pursue reconciliation? How can I convince my spouse?

Any advice would be welcome.

This is me

I think the fact that she is doing counselling is a positive sign.

Have you seen the video on youtube call Walk Away Wife Syndrome? Look it up, sounds just like mine. The out of the blue, no longer in love with you and other man situation. Know it all too well.

Read Divorce Busters, which helped me with the different phases. If there is hope time/patience is the key. You will go up and down, make mistakes, but if you want to save it, plan on it taking much longer than you think.

I wish you well!

Jayb

Thanks. I got chills reading about Walk-Away Wives. It's pretty much spot on.

Things at the end were like roommates with children. She suggested separation. However, based on my assupmtions, I raised the stakes and filed for divorce. And that even further cemented her mind.

We are in counseling. However, her excuse has been more to see me get help and make it through this divorce, rather than us both attempting to save us. Afterall, we are good "friends" and she wants the best for me.

My world has been rocked. To this day, I wish I had not filed for divorce and escalated this entire situation.

Now, it may be too late.

This is me

I know what you mean about the WAW. It was like she was writing about us. I was clueless and shocked.

They seem to hide their resentment very well and detach from the marriage by attaching to another. I think it is a lack of maturity that allows them to throw it all away like that, without fighting for the marriage, but that is my humble opinion.

I believe there is always hope. I was about an hour away from filing, when a friend talked me out of it. She just moved back home this weekend after 4 months seperation, but we are still not whole.

It is a sexless situtation with hugs and kisses, and the request to give her time, which I am doing. There will be a limit though. I want a real marriage not a loving room mate.

Let me ask you this. Have you laid it all out and said you errored by filing and would like to save the marriage if you can, but you need her to also agree to work towards reconciliation?

It might be worth a call to Divorce Busters to get some ideas on how to get her to give it one more try. We are all human and you have admitted your error. Again a mature person in a relationship would acknowledge your mistake and see the virtue in working toward love rather than away.

Again, IMHO.

I wish you well!

Jayb

Hey, thanks for the replies. You have offered me other views I never considered.

Btw, I hope and pray your marriage is restored. Believe me, I know your emotions.

To answer your question. YES, I told her. I was caught up in the moment when I filed and continued in divorce.

Then, 2 months later, when I appoached her about my reservation, she was so concerned with the total amount of money we had both spent, along with time, etc., to come this far.

We are at the stage of forming an agreement (in mediation) to sign and end the marriage. When I questioned her what would happen after a final divorce, she replied, living like normal, how we are. Again, neither of us had or is dating anyone.

My conscience forbids me to divorce without giving it my all to restore it. However, WAW syndrome, coupled with how I responded during our separation, may have pushed her beyond reconciliation. My response has been to admit a mistake in filing for divorce and withdrawing the petition. If my wife wants/ed to divorce me, then she should have/had to initiate that action. But, because of all the $$ spent on both sides, it muddies the issue.

I am beating myself up over 2 crucial mistakes I made. #1 - moving out of the house when separation was decided. #2 - filing for divorce out of anger/hurt/rage/fear. And admitting these mistakes, and a willingness to rectify, seem only to convince her that she indeed made the correct decision in closing down the marriage in her mind prior to our separation.

That is why I feel as though she is "going through the motions" in counseling. To later say that she did counseling, but was unsuccessful.

I'm sure you know, my emotions rage every couple of minutes.

I am reading Divorce Remedy. In addition, our counselour prioritizes marriage, solution-based strategies, and knows Michele Weiner-Davis.

I pray that the 2% chance that my wife is open to materializes into a restored marriage. However, I am learning all of this for me, ultimately. Like Michele states in the WAW syndrome, my next wife will reap these benefits my current wife rejects. I say that partly in jest, but you know what I mean.

This is me

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers on my marriage. Mine are with you!

As happy as I am that she moved back and we are in MC, I still have to keep in the back of my mind that if we do not become a true married couple and not just loving room mates, I will need to move on, as will she.

The roller coaster is hell and I know your pain. Find ways to pamper yourself. Treat yourself to things to help yourself find comfort. I have added some routines that I never did before as a reward for dealing with the pain. Little treats just for me. Friends and others who you can spend time with. Whatever.

One thing you might want to share with her is that all the money in the world should not matter if love is lost. One study I came across recently showed that of about 500 couples unhappy in their marriages who were interviewed 5 years later, of those who divorced, only 19% were happier, where as of those who stayed married 80% were.

I like the idea of being in the 80%.

I wish you well!

warlock07

Wow!! She cheated but you are the one begging for R. No chance here if you you beg and plead her back into a relation. Even if she comes back, the power balance makes it easy for her to embark on another affair. And the thing she said about having no Physical affair, it is most likely a lie. Read the stories around here. You did no mistake here. And you are doing this entirely wrong. I would suggest that you post this in Coping with infidelity or General Relationships discussion Forum. You will have more members offer opinion about the whole thing

This is me

You are doing what you should be doing. Don't listen to those who are not in your shoes. I can not tell you how many times in the past year I have been advised her on TAM to divorce my wife. She moved back home this past week.

Everyone here brings their own issues into the advice they give and none are experts on anything but their own experiences. I have noticed some here that are divorced who always recommend divorce as the only option. Everytime single time.

People are easily influenced in their weakest moments, which ticks me off when I see these daily visitors to this website carrying the banner for divorce.

If there is an ounce of hope and you really want to save your marriage, don't let the neigh sayers steer you into their worlds.

Jayb

Thanks. I took it into account. Preventing divorce AT this time is my priority at this point, no matter what was done by whom. That can be dealt with later on.

I appreciate it.

Mamatomany

What do you think made you change your mind?
Was it just time passing allowing anger/hurt to subside?

Jayb

Allowing hurt to subside. Realizing I made decisions out of emotions, after denying it for months. Focusing on myself. Praying. Stopped listening to my friends and their advice to just "move on."

Also, realizing I may have done the dirty deed (filing) for her.

This is me

Those cheerleaders who only want us to be happy (from hearing one side) can sometimes encourage in a powerful way the end of salvageable relationships.

sadwithouthim

Listening to negative advice I think hurt me too.
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Mamatomany

I do have friends and family who just want me to be happy and they tell me to start moving on... but reassure me they will support me in whatever my decision is. They know I love him and have put up w/ his crazy MLC and we are all suffering for it.

Thanks, I am trying to have patience... I just need to know that men can change their minds about leaving a family. I also suspect he is looking at moving out of the state... I have been asking for that for yrs! But this would be w/o the family.

stillinlovewithhim

This!!! Shame my ex husband doesn't have a friend like you. He can't see the link between remaining angry and listening to his "move on" friends, as keeping him trapped, in being the one with a broken family.