Wildflower3

I am working on the 180, but don't want to totally give up hope...
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that_girl

We did.

My husband said something similar to me when he moved out. There was no other woman, so I'm not sure if that hurts efforts to reconcile. Even though he moved out, he and I started dating each other after a week or so and even though during the 3 months, there were some issues (him being a jerk, mostly ) we reconciled and are doing well.

I did the 180. I think the biggest two things were 1. Being nice (i hadn't been nice in a long while) and 2. Not calling/texting. Ever.

He's been home for 6 months this month . We are very happy and are only moving forward. I feel better than I ever did about us and our future and our marriage.

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Wildflower3

Thanks for your story ThatGirl. It helps. We've been separated for 4 months now and I've stopped all contact except those regarding our kids. I was all gung ho last week about making appointments for mediation and organizing stuff, but I figure he wants this, so he can do it all. Moving on, keeping hope, but not getting any hopes up.
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This is me

We were seperated for 4 months and she just moved back home last week. So far so good. We are moving slow, and no gaurentees, but we have a better chance than we did 2 months ago.

Patience is the key of you want to make it work. I keep saying this, but it was the best souce for me....the book Divorce Busters. Some of the advice from others, including from people here at TAM would have had us divorced along time ago, so take all advice with a grain of salt.

I think the book truly kept me from giving up and explained what she may be going through.

jenny123

I would love to hear advice in this as well. There is no OW, He is just saying the ILYBINILWY line. Personally, I think something snapped in his brain as well as mid life crisis. Almost 18 years married, and he doesn't want to try counseling or anything. He just needs to be "alone for now".
I'm trying the 180 but it is so hard. He will be moving out soon (hopefully, because it is torture with him here).
Has anyone reconciled after hearing their spouse is not in love with them anymore? Maybe after being alone for a while, they realize that they really do have feelings?

njdad

I'm in the same boat. Wife of 15 years gave me the speech. Too much neglect for too long and the feelings are gone. Wants to focus on herself and the kids. Hoping that with some space and with me making improvements that she will come back around.

Jayb

I hope it works out for you, but....

I seriously doubt reconciliation after breaks. Especially, coupled with the gone feelings.

And, sometimes, even if the WS has doubts or regrets about leaving the marriage, he/she may still have too much pride/stubborness to seek any type of reconciliation.

njdad

I hear you JayB. She is stubborn as hell, and I worry about that. Think she has her mind made up that we need to separate (and probably divorce) and that she isn't going to think about anything else until she gets some time to herself and can breathe. Hoping that she realizes that she actually misses me, doesn't like not seeing the kids all the time, realizes that I actually did help in ways she didn't recognize, sees improvement, misses her home, is able to forgive, etc., etc. I'm not saying it isn't a long shot, but it's all I've got.

Jayb

I'm in the same boat. Except, out of anger I filed for D, only after a few months to have severe second thoughts. Too little too late, it seems.

It's frustrating. No other man in her life, we split the children 50-50, we spend time as a family most weekends, etc.

Reading 5 Love Languages, I really think we spoke 2 different languages and she's been on empty for years.


My wife said she wanted to separate to see if she missed me. Almost 10 months in to it, she now says how much she enjoys her independence.

chocolategeek

Sorry to hear that, Jayb. Let her go. As hard as it is, just let her be. Build your own life without her. There is still hope, because there are some who have been divorced for years and still end up back together. But you must literally have your own life and even be truly ok with not reconciling. Pray for her and wish her well.

Who knows, someday, where life will lead us?

Jayb

It is hard. It is painful. It hurts. I have good days and bad. Good minutes and bad.

I have to assemble my own life. Because in a way, I lost mine. My identity was so wrapped up in our marriage and raising our children. I neglected others. Friends? My wife and children. Interests? My wife and children? Happiness? My wife and children. Anything else? My wife and children.

While we were only married 12 years, in a way, I have to start over again from scratch. I've never been on my own, supporting myself, independently. It's overwhelming and scary.

angelpixie

I'm feeling for you Jayb. He was my best friend when we got together in 1997 (married in 2001). In fall 2010 I got the speech. I moved out for good in July 2011. I gave most of myself to my family, and the rest to my job. I'm starting over from scratch at 47.
It still hurts. Especially how easily he seemed to move on. Like we were nothing.
You're still in contact with your kids, right? Work on yourself and keep working on your relationship with them. Take time to find out who Jayb is -- what do you like, what are the talents you have that you set aside while concentrating on your family? You and your kids will benefit, even if you and your wife don't reconcile.

I'm afraid you may be right about pride and stubbornness in many cases. But use this as a chance (even though it's coming in a situation you wouldn't want) to take pride in yourself and what you have inside.

Jayb

Yes, I have our children 50% of the time. Thanks for your encouragement. I don't know! I am slowly getting back to my interests. Slowly.

During the years my wife was detaching, I was in a depression. Miserable with life. Drank every night to numb the pain. Negative outlook on everything. It's taken this current situation to knock me out of it, but it's like recovering from 2 serious wounds at the same time. Coming out from a depression and surviving the loss of my spouse and best friend. Ugh. At this time, I don't know what I have inside me. Pretty bare. And, what I did have a while back, I didn't like.

daisygirl 41

Yes but there are exceptions and R does happen in some cases.
I always kept some hope alive that the aliens who abducted my H last April would return him....and now they have! Sounds crazy, but that's really how I felt. He wasn't the man I had been in live with for 18 years and we had both neglected our marriage.
So there is always hope. Even though I started moving on I made it perfectly clear to my H that the door would always be open to him if he wanted to come and talk to me and to not let something as stupid as his pride get in the way. Thank god he listened
DG
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Jayb

I'm so happy for you.

I wouldn't know what to do if my wife wanted to work on reconciliation. Because, while that sounds great, there are some issues that need to be addressed and worked on. And, how committed would either of us be to do the hard work to forge a strong marriage? It would kick off other types of hurt, pain and emotions.

Right now, for my wife, it's easier to quit/leave, etc., no matter how guilty or remorseful she feels.