ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
Hi DownUnder - my husband's fog took a while to go away. It didn't just go away one day. The process was kind of back and forth. I would think we were making headway and then he'd go back under. It took about 6 months for him to really get his head back on straight.
I think he was in a place where he was trying to decide what he should do and he was also dealing with serious guilt. I think every situation and every person is different when they're trying to decide that they want to make the marriage work or not. In our case my husband was able to remember the commitment and understand that our relationship was really a complete package. One of the things he saw in me was dedication and support. That was our case, and won't be the same for everyone.
Rebuilding trust doesn't happen quickly. I also believe that you can't rebuild trust if you don't consciously decide that you will do that. A very important piece is that you must come to an understanding about what it will take to rebuild trust. Your husband needs to know how he can be trusted again and you need to be clear about what steps he can take to get there. He will need to be transparent. Another thing that many forget is that once you feel you trust him again, the transparency doesn't stop. Every marriage - whether there has been infidelity or not - should be transparent.
The way I decided that I wanted to work on our marriage was simple. I married him for better or worse. I wouldn't be in a marriage with a serial cheater, but I knew I needed to give him a chance if he would take it. That was based on my own values system. After that, if he hadn't been willing to do the work to regain my trust and work towards a better marriage I wouldn't have been interested in saving our marriage.
This is a really difficult decision to make - whether you should stay or go. For me it was simple, but it wasn't easy to make it work.
I would never encourage anyone to stay or go - you know your situation and I don't. It also depends on what kind of marriage you had prior to the infidelity. If things weren't happy before, then it may be more difficult to make it work after an affair.
The one thing I would say is that it may be worth it to give the process some time. Unless there's a pressing reason to get out, then you may benefit from being patient to see where things go.
I know this is a very difficult time, but I promise it does get better.
Hi DownUnder - my husband's fog took a while to go away. It didn't just go away one day. The process was kind of back and forth. I would think we were making headway and then he'd go back under. It took about 6 months for him to really get his head back on straight.
I think he was in a place where he was trying to decide what he should do and he was also dealing with serious guilt. I think every situation and every person is different when they're trying to decide that they want to make the marriage work or not. In our case my husband was able to remember the commitment and understand that our relationship was really a complete package. One of the things he saw in me was dedication and support. That was our case, and won't be the same for everyone.
Rebuilding trust doesn't happen quickly. I also believe that you can't rebuild trust if you don't consciously decide that you will do that. A very important piece is that you must come to an understanding about what it will take to rebuild trust. Your husband needs to know how he can be trusted again and you need to be clear about what steps he can take to get there. He will need to be transparent. Another thing that many forget is that once you feel you trust him again, the transparency doesn't stop. Every marriage - whether there has been infidelity or not - should be transparent.
The way I decided that I wanted to work on our marriage was simple. I married him for better or worse. I wouldn't be in a marriage with a serial cheater, but I knew I needed to give him a chance if he would take it. That was based on my own values system. After that, if he hadn't been willing to do the work to regain my trust and work towards a better marriage I wouldn't have been interested in saving our marriage.
This is a really difficult decision to make - whether you should stay or go. For me it was simple, but it wasn't easy to make it work.
I would never encourage anyone to stay or go - you know your situation and I don't. It also depends on what kind of marriage you had prior to the infidelity. If things weren't happy before, then it may be more difficult to make it work after an affair.
The one thing I would say is that it may be worth it to give the process some time. Unless there's a pressing reason to get out, then you may benefit from being patient to see where things go.
I know this is a very difficult time, but I promise it does get better.
Leigh, can i just ask...was it your husband who asked for another chance? and how did he approach you on that? What i mean is, does he tell you that he will willing to give a full commitment and offer NC with the OW and willing to give you full transparency so that trust can be rebuilt between you?
At this moment i just can't see it happening because the false R that we just went thru is still very fresh and he just moved in with the OW last week.
Leigh, your thinking is right in line with mine. You say it so much better though.
I look at it as if the WS is suffering with a temporary mental illness which a MLC really is when you think about it, and treat it as if they were suffering from a physical illness. They should get better eventually.
Mental illnesses are looked down in society where obvious physical ones are acceptable. They are all illnesses and should be given the same chance to recover.
Leigh, your thinking is right in line with mine. You say it so much better though.
I look at it as if the WS is suffering with a temporary mental illness which a MLC really is when you think about it, and treat it as if they were suffering from a physical illness. They should get better eventually.
Mental illnesses are looked down in society where obvious physical ones are acceptable. They are all illnesses and should be given the same chance to recover.
TIM, im just wondering...what age does MLC usually strikes?
From my understanding in the 40's, my wife 46. When this all became public amoung my friends I must have had 10 of them tell me they went through a similar thought pattern of looking for a new better life. Some Premenstral.
MLCers blame the spouse for their own unhappiness since they are the one they are tied to. They believe if I can get away from this person they will be happy and find greener pastures, but they only end up taking their depression with them.
I read that 40's are not the only ago though. Some get it in their 50's, some 30's. Mid 40's is the norm.
From my understanding in the 40's, my wife 46. When this all became public amoung my friends I must have had 10 of them tell me they went through a similar thought pattern of looking for a new better life. Some Premenstral.
MLCers blame the spouse for their own unhappiness since they are the one they are tied to. They believe if I can get away from this person they will be happy and find greener pastures, but they only end up taking their depression with them.
I read that 40's are not the only ago though. Some get it in their 50's, some 30's. Mid 40's is the norm.
well my H is turning 34 in a couple of weeks and my mother in law was with me last night when she asked "i wonder if he is going thru some kind of a midlife crisis? this is so not like him....its like he is not my son and definetely NOT the man you married" and i can't answer her on that...BUT at one stage last year my H told me he felt like his life was going backwards and he felt like he hasn't accomplished anything good in his life.
I really dont know if he is just in the middle of a really thick fog or a MLC.
well my H is turning 34 in a couple of weeks and my mother in law was with me last night when she asked "i wonder if he is going thru some kind of a midlife crisis? this is so not like him....its like he is not my son and definetely NOT the man you married" and i can't answer her on that...BUT at one stage last year my H told me he felt like his life was going backwards and he felt like he hasn't accomplished anything good in his life.
I really dont know if he is just in the middle of a really thick fog or a MLC.
My H had his MLC quite early, too. He had just turned 36 when he started freaking out about his life and then soon after that, he had the A.
Leigh, can i just ask...was it your husband who asked for another chance? and how did he approach you on that? What i mean is, does he tell you that he will willing to give a full commitment and offer NC with the OW and willing to give you full transparency so that trust can be rebuilt between you?
At this moment i just can't see it happening because the false R that we just went thru is still very fresh and he just moved in with the OW last week.
In our case, there wasn't that moment where he came to me and asked for a second and third chance. It actually happened when I gave him my expectations if we were to stay married. He simply agreed to my "demands" - then broke his agreement and then eventually agreed to them again.
Part of the reason it happened like this for us is that I'm more vocal than my H and he has a hard time talking about his feelings when they are related to negative subjects.
Our situation was different than yours in that we never actually separated. He traveled for his job some, so that gave us a bit of a break from each other sometimes. He didn't move in with anyone else so we didn't have that complication.
I have known people who have been able to complete a successful R even after they've been through things like you're dealing with now. I know that every case is different, but it is possible to come back from setbacks. If you truly want to stay married to this man, it may take some patience to get there. The caution is to not become a doormat.
I think every situation is different and the people in it determine what action is taken or not taken. I didn't expose in the 10 months and I didn't confront him. I only confronted when I had hard data. It took me 10 months to get mentally ready to accept and face it. Some may say that's being weak and it probably was.
Yes, I wanted recovery more than he did. No doubt about that. I'm probably still married because I was too stubborn to make it easy on him by filing for D.
I look back and know I made mistakes. However, staying married and sticking to my belief system wasn't one of those mistakes. I'm very happy now and so is my H. It took much longer than some would be willing to invest, but I don't view it that way for me. Again, I believe that every situation is different based on the people involved.
I think society gives the false idea that divorce is the best solution. A study I read showed that the vast majority of 500 unhappy couples who stayed married were much happier 5 years after the study, like 85% and only something like 19% of those who divorced were happier.
As hard as it has been at times, I am sticking in it and it will be her call if we divorce. She has called for it 3 times, then changed her mind. A clear sign of her confusion.
I think society gives the false idea that divorce is the best solution. A study I read showed that the vast majority of 500 unhappy couples who stayed married were much happier 5 years after the study, like 85% and only something like 19% of those who divorced were happier.
As hard as it has been at times, I am sticking in it and it will be her call if we divorce. She has called for it 3 times, then changed her mind. A clear sign of her confusion.
I hadn't heard this statistic before, but wow. That's astounding. And quite believable. People are so focused on instant gratification today. Not that you must stick around for abuse or that it's not okay to divorce if your spouse has an affair, but it does seem like it's the first option for many.
I also believe that even if an affair isn't involved, happiness can be cyclical. Good insight here that we can all use. Thanks!
And I also agree with the confusion thing that you're seeing with your W. I think it's common - a WS, even FWS, doesn't have their head on straight sometimes. My H often said he wanted D. I lost count at about 10 times. Some would say it was pathetic that I didn't just go ahead and do it, but I know I did the right thing. More than anything else, I didn't want to be the one to quit.
"Five years later, unhappily married adults who divorced or separated
were, on average, no happier, no less depressed, had no higher self-esteem, no greater sense of personal mastery, and showed increased alcohol use compared to unhappily married adults who stayed married. Almost two-thirds of unhappy spouses who stuck with the marriage forged happy marriages down the road."
This study is very interesting for those who truly want to take emotion thought out and put educational thought in. I think most marriages have tough times, but they pass, some harder and longer than others, but if you can outlast it, you should both be happier again.
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Re: For Inspiration - and a Warning 
