I haven't updated this thread since last July, but I thought I'd just pop in as its a year this months since Hubby moved back home.
I sat yesterday and re read some of my old threads, just to get some perspective of the whole situation. I thought I was going to get quite emotional, reliving it all, so to speak, but, it was quite therapeutic. I've come a lot further than I thought. One of the things that really struck me ESP in my thread: Please dont say you told me so!!!
Was how I knew in my gut that H wasn't happy with the choices he was making and that it took less than 3 weeks after exposure for the A to collapse.
I was accused on more than one occasion of letting my H have his cake and eat it, I knew at the time it was wrong, but I didn't have the strength to put a stop to it any sooner. If that's one thing I regret in all of this it's that I didn't have the emotional strength to 'let him go' sooner because as soon as I started doing that it made a huge impact on the situation.
If I had any advice to give anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation as me it would be:
Listen to you instincts: what are they telling you?
Let them go : Theres a link to this on the CWI sticky
Expose the A: The fantasy is nowhere near the reality
180: implement the best 180 you can possibly muster. It really helps you to detach. I was never able to do a full 180 but I called it my 'mini 180'. It was the best I could do at the time but it really helped.
So nearly a year on since Hubby moved back home and things are going well. We have really reconnected and our marriage is on the way to being better than it has been for years.
H has changed. This whole experience has really changed him for the better. It's changed both of us. There's NEVER an excuse for hurting someone the way he hurt me but I do realise that I wasn't the best wife I could have been. After 18 years of marriage is easy to become complacent and take each other for granted. Over the years we forgot about the importance of putting our marriage first and kids, money, work, everything took priority. Not anymore. The marriage comes first and it's coming along nicely.
I had IC for about 8 months. This helped me tremendously. We were able to look at certain aspects of my personality traits that I didn't even know I had. It's been nearly a year now since my last session but I still keep myself I'm check and keep an eye on those personality traits I have which are not healthy to my marriage.
The trust is returning, I'm not quite there yet and there is of course that huge elephant in the from, of H and the exOW still working in the same place. I feel at the moment that this is the only thing that is keeping me from truly opening my heart to him again. A small part of me is still guarded, but maybe it always will be. H is totally transparent with his phone etc. he also has a tracking device on his iPhone. Theses things he has offered up willingly. I find the need to check up on him decreasing. The hyper vigilance has subsided somewhat but I still get days when I go into overdrive and feel the need to check up, but he's more than happy for me to do so. As the A was exposed to everyone in his workplace it has given me some comfort as I know a few of their colleagues, and I know they have the best interests of my marriage in mind. I know if I'm ever overly concerned about anything I can contact them and they'll be on the case
Thankfully I haven't had to do that yet. H had nearly 9 months off work after the A ended, he was able to combine sick leave/ holidays and working from home. This really helped us to reconnect and we spent A LOT of quality time together, talking and bonding again. It's played a major part in our R.
I'm going to start posting regular updates again, I think it's therapeutic for me, but I hope it might help any of going through a similar situation to. I invite anyone to post, but I do ask you, please be respectful of my choice to reconcile with my H. I know it's not the path everyone chooses but it's the choice I have made. Recently in other thread I have been told I am co dependent, lacking self esteem and in some ways emotionally damaged because of the path I have chosen. Let me say I take deep offence at these comments as they couldn't be further from the truth. It has taken a lot of courage and strength for me to R with H, and believe me I have nearly thrown the towel in once or twice, R is not for the faint hearted, but I believe my H deserved another chance, and he's proving so far that my leap of faith was worth it!
Thanks for reading