Couleur

Been married for 20 years, but the last few have been bumpy -- first because careers, small children, and long commutes kept us from working at our marriage instead of just being co-parents. About 3 years ago, my husband started a new job, met a woman (who was having a hard time in her marriage), talks led to friendship led to EA lead to PA. My husband broke off the PA because he couldn't see not seeing his kids on a daily basis, and he has tried several times to cut contact with his affair partner BUT they work at the same company so some contact is unavoidable.

My husband he has said that he wants us to continue to live together and raise our kids, but that the way that he has coped with the events of the passed few years is to shut down emotionally. He rarely (like twice in the past year) has told me that he loves me (but is quick to complement me when I'm a good mother), we've had sex fewer than 10 times since the affair was revealed (all in the past 8 months and all at my initiation).

I love my husband. He is a good man, an attractive guy, and a great father. I can't pretend that the affair wasn't the most painful experience in my life, but I don't dwell on it, and what I really want is for the two of us to move forward and to build a new marriage.

I've read books that suggest that it won't do good for me to push -- that the person who has had an emotional affair and then left that person to return to the marriage will go through withdrawal and needs time to heal. But... I can't continue in limbo indefinitely. I need him to start moving towards a real marriage (with a role for us as a couple instead of two very good friends who have two children together).

Has anyone had the experience of dealing with an emotionally dead partner? How long did it last? What things seemed to turn things around?

daisygirl 41

I'm sorry honey but it sounds like your H is still involved with this OW and he wants the best of both worlds.
He is emotionally dead towards you because his feelings are elsewhere.

You should repost this in the CWI forum.
Your H will not reconnect with you until this woman is out of the picture.
Good luck to you
DG
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This is me

I am sorry Couleur. My Wife disconnected from a likely EA about a year and a half ago. She seperated from me last November and returned home in early March. She is slowly coming back, but not there yet.

I have had to back off on my desires of intimacy as she is not there yet. She did help me in this area a little last weekend, which I believe was a step in the right direction. She understands we will need this part of our marriage to complete the reconcilliation. I have had to initiate our intimacy for most of our 17 year marriage, so I feel your pain.

The book Divorce Busters helped me more than anything else to understand it takes patience, tons of patience if you want to save it.

I wish you all the best!

DownUnder

Sweetie, i could've written your post...we are in a similar situation. I was there since the end of Feb this year when my H said he wanted to try giving our marriage another go.

So after a year of separation, he came back home....but it only lasted 4 weeks before he revealed to me that the woman from his EA started coming on to his again and flirting with him at work. That was why eventho he was back at home, he was not emotionally available and our intimacy was terrible (pretty much non-existent).

He couldn't resist it, he said he feels a spark and connection with the OW that he didnt feel with me. So i ended our false reconciliation and kicked him out of the house. I told him he cannot have his cake and eat it too. He can either have me or the OW but not both of us at the same time. I refused to compete for scraps of attention or affection from him. I refused to let him hurt me and the kids over and over again.

I told him if he wants to explore the spark with the OW then he is free to go. I truly let him go this time...and i told him i hope he found the happiness he is looking for with her and i wish them the best.

I truly think its the only way he will know that the grass is not always greener....he needs to go and explore his own journey without me, im letting him make his own mistakes and take responsibilities for his actions without having me there to soothe him when things didnt go so well.

I have made a decision for myself that i dont want to be dragged around in his confusion and indecision anymore....enough is enough. Im moving on with my life. Even if he never comes back i am going to be okay, I know God still have a good plan for me (whatever that may be) so im putting my family in the altar and im releasing everything to God.

Im not sure if my story helps you or not....im still right in the middle of the storm right now, so some days im okay and some days im not so great.....but i do know that God is still in control of the storm. He will make sure the winds of the storm will take me where i need to be.

Let me know if you need to chat....feel free to send me a PM if you need to talk.

Take care of yourself....keep doing the best you can for your children and God will take care of the rest.

God Bless!