04-04-2012, 06:12 PM
Join Date: Apr 2012
| | Emotionally dead, how to revive?
Been married for 20 years, but the last few have been bumpy -- first because careers, small children, and long commutes kept us from working at our marriage instead of just being co-parents. About 3 years ago, my husband started a new job, met a woman (who was having a hard time in her marriage), talks led to friendship led to EA lead to PA. My husband broke off the PA because he couldn't see not seeing his kids on a daily basis, and he has tried several times to cut contact with his affair partner BUT they work at the same company so some contact is unavoidable.
My husband he has said that he wants us to continue to live together and raise our kids, but that the way that he has coped with the events of the passed few years is to shut down emotionally. He rarely (like twice in the past year) has told me that he loves me (but is quick to complement me when I'm a good mother), we've had sex fewer than 10 times since the affair was revealed (all in the past 8 months and all at my initiation).
I love my husband. He is a good man, an attractive guy, and a great father. I can't pretend that the affair wasn't the most painful experience in my life, but I don't dwell on it, and what I really want is for the two of us to move forward and to build a new marriage.
I've read books that suggest that it won't do good for me to push -- that the person who has had an emotional affair and then left that person to return to the marriage will go through withdrawal and needs time to heal. But... I can't continue in limbo indefinitely. I need him to start moving towards a real marriage (with a role for us as a couple instead of two very good friends who have two children together).
Has anyone had the experience of dealing with an emotionally dead partner? How long did it last? What things seemed to turn things around?