oldsoul

My husband and I got married early 2009, we were both young. We went through problems that most couples do, and some problems due to immaturity.

In September 2011, my husband left me expectantly and moved back to his home state, which is about a 20 hour drive from where I am living. He left because I wasn't doing anything with myself due to anxiety and fear, and I look back now and see that and have changed tremendously, so in a way; the pain has helped me. But it has destroyed me.

Over the course of the last 7 months hes been gone, things have been very up and down. He would talk to me daily, promising he would come back when he saw a change... and eventually it turned into months, and he didn't come back. He would get upset with me and treat me like a total stranger when we would talk... then he would ignore my calls and texts for sometimes a couple weeks at a time... then back to treating me like his wife again. This separation has been a huge emotional rollercoaster for me.

Recently in the last month we began talking daily again, and settling issues, I've changed a lot since he left, but he was still slacking a bit on his part, he's been much more open and honest though which is great. We talk everyday now, and are exchanging I love yous again. I do not suspect he has been cheating on me, I know my husband and he even said it himself, that was never the issue with us. Now he wants me to move down there to be with him. I love this man to death, and not seeing him for over half a year has not changed that. I want to be with him again... but I'm scared. The state he lives in is a place I really do not want to live in the first place... and I fear I will get stuck there, and won't want to leave him, even if I am really unhappy. I know this sounds selfish, but I've had to get self dependent when he left... had to make myself happy first, just to make it through each day. Although I see why he left, I felt I was betrayed... it was nothing serious, he just simply gave up and took the easy way out. He's done things that I've wanted to leave for, but have not, I made a commitment to him, and I expected the same in return in my worst times too. I feel regret that he had to pull my weight for so long, but I needed help, and ended having to do it alone. I guess some resentment has built.

I'm having a hard time making a choice here. I am very close to my family, extremely. When I first met him, I moved across the country to be with him, due to him serving in the military. I don't want to pick up again, and have to say goodbye to everyone all over again. It's emotionally very hard on me. It may sound childish, maybe it is, but I am asking for help, some guidance, some care. He has been so changeable, which has made me feel insecure in the marriage... but lately he seems a lot different... and thats what is making me question to do this in the first place. If I felt he didnt change at all, I wouldnt bother with it, I just wouldnt go.

I'm an adult now and I can accept moving away from home, I'm a married woman. I just don't want to live the rest of my life THAT far from home, so far that only a plane would get me home in an emergency. If it was 10 hour drive, wouldnt phase me... but we're talking over a day... I ask people for empathy, please kind heartfelt comments. I'm not asking to be babied or told that I need to grow up, I've done and seen a lot in my life so far... it's if this would be a wise choice, if trusting him would be good.

christmaslady

Let me say, I don't have the answer(s) you are looking for, if any at all; but I did want you to know that you are not alone and I have read your post.

It sounds like you still have a lot of pain and confusion and while both of you have grown, his inconsistent behavior still has you on the fence. That does seem like a long way to go; having to leave everything you know and have built (is he there because that is where he is stationed?)...however, with that said, at some point in your life, you were so in love with him that you did it before. Now that you have grown up and you have more cares/worries burdening you, it does not make that move seem quite as easy; cause you know the potential outcome.

It sounds like you want it to work and you have worked on yourself in hopes of it being better when this day came. So the day is here and you have to make a decision. The question is this: do you move with him (which you both probably need to be in the same place to see full growth and the ultimate plan for the future) and work on your marriage together? do you try to continue to do it separate; who knows when you may be together again? or do you leave it all alone and stay in your comfort zone where things are safe and you know what to expect?

Is it possible that you could go there for a few months and see how it works before you leave the life you have? I know anyone can act for a few months; however, when you live with someone you tend to see the things you can not deal with sooner than you would if you were separated.

Moving doesn't end your life, it just relocates it. You will re-establish where ever you go; scary? yes., impossible? no. It actually may help you to be away from your support system. You can always go home. It is a hassle, but is it worth it? Marriage is about committment and compromise...moving right now seems to be the ultimate compromise for you. Does he know/realize that? does he know the intensity of his desire to have you down there and what that means to you?

You definitely need to speak with him about it and try to help him understand your concern is not right now, but moreso about your future. Maybe once you guys talk about it, he may feel that it may not be the right time to move down there, if he realizes how deeply it is going to affect you etc. Not saying that he doesn't want to be with you; but he needs to realize that he needs to be in a good place where certain things can not happen and will not be tolerated; regardless of where you live. and if he can not accept and live by that, then you have to factor that into your decision.

When you ask any questions or express any concerns, be sure you are ready to listen and not just hear what you want to hear.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you, regardless of your decision.

oldsoul

I spoke to him last night because he's made some friends at a job he had for a few months... some of them are females, and this goes back to many many problems I had with him since we got married. His need to talk to other girls. He explained they are just friends... and they might be, but these girls are party animals... and I can't change how I feel. He pretty much told me, he's not going to move any where near my family only his, and hes not giving up his friends.

It's pretty much clear, I have no options... I've tried to meet him half way and thats still not good enough for him... I don't know what to do, I feel like I've been the only one who kept my vows...

oldsoul

Thank you for your kind words and time you took to help me... means more than you know.

christmaslady

I understand your feeling; as if you were the only one that kept your vows etc. It is difficult to wrap your head around a situation where you feel you have done all that you can and you feel the other person is not willing to do half of what you have done. I have recently determined that one of the most difficult things about being love is not being understood by the one you love. I am going through the same thing and I have determined that I can not continue to live this way; pining over a man that is not as into me as I am him...for me, it is time to try to move on (although it has taken me over 2 years to embrace that thought). We will see how it goes.

I wish you all the luck in the world no matter what your decision. Just remember you are an individual with or without him and whatever your decision may be, it is your life to deal with. I hope things become easier and a bit more clear in the coming days.

BIG HUGS!!!