ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
Can this happen and where does one even start?
Husband refuses to go and I can't force him. We are lost as to how to reconcile, if its the right decision and if its possible.
Thanks
Here is my situation Just found out H is having a EA.
I think if you approach it like you would any illness (and your marriage is not well) that you would seek a professional doctor.
There are good and bad MCs. If you are both on the same page to try and save the M, then you both should agree that a professional is in order. If you can both get that far, then both agree that you will chose a MC that you can both agree upon. Interview till you both agree. It is worth it!
There is no guarantee that a MC will save the M, but I believe it is the best foot forward.
IF MC is out of the question, seek a Marriage workshop or other source like seminars. Check out The Divorce Busters website.
MC will do NO good until he comes out of the fog and admits he did something wrong and is ready to cut off his left nut for you and hand it to you on a silver platter. He needs to be completely transparent, write a NC letter and send it with you witnessing, and do all the other stuff a truly remorseful WS needs to do. Until he proves by his actions it's worth it, don't waste your money on MC.
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Re: Reconciliation without MC?
Quote:
Originally Posted by This is me
I think if you approach it like you would any illness (and your marriage is not well) that you would seek a professional doctor.
There are good and bad MCs. If you are both on the same page to try and save the M, then you both should agree that a professional is in order. If you can both get that far, then both agree that you will chose a MC that you can both agree upon. Interview till you both agree. It is worth it!
There is no guarantee that a MC will save the M, but I believe it is the best foot forward.
IF MC is out of the question, seek a Marriage workshop or other source like seminars. Check out The Divorce Busters website.
I am 5 years post D-Day of my wife's EA. Initially she was unwilling to go to counseling also. I went ahead and made an appointment with a marriage counselor to meet independently of her. Once I had done that she made her own appointment with the same C to make sure she was getting both sides. Counseling did help us some and we went for 3 - 4 months. We got a handle on what we needed to do and discontinued. Counseling was only a part of our recovery process which was long but successful. From your other thread continue on your 180 so he understands you are serious. Discontinue sex with him and let him really understand where he stands and what he stands to lose. He will not come out of the fog quickly and if he has fallen out of love with you, rekindling will take time. I would suggest you continue to push for professional help even if you only get him to commit for a couple of months. Good luck.
I think if you approach it like you would any illness (and your marriage is not well) that you would seek a professional doctor.
There are good and bad MCs. If you are both on the same page to try and save the M, then you both should agree that a professional is in order. If you can both get that far, then both agree that you will chose a MC that you can both agree upon. Interview till you both agree. It is worth it!
There is no guarantee that a MC will save the M, but I believe it is the best foot forward.
IF MC is out of the question, seek a Marriage workshop or other source like seminars. Check out The Divorce Busters website.
Do you know the correct website for Divorce Busters? There are a few of them.
Can this happen and where does one even start?
Husband refuses to go and I can't force him. We are lost as to how to reconcile, if its the right decision and if its possible.
Thanks
Here is my situation Just found out H is having a EA.
Yes it`s possible and in fact if my wife cheated I`d be unlikely to go to counseling as I`ve seen and heard of counsellors screwing up more people than they help.
HOWEVER if I were a WS and my wife wanted MC I`m going to MC.
Whatever she wanted I`d kill myself getting it done because I`d be the luckiest stupid bastard ever to catch a break that she didn`t leave me.
The fact that your H "refuses" is a much more serious problem than R without MC.
He`s not remorseful and that can only lead to failure in your R.
We are not doing MC right now, we are doing IC and that seems to be working. We are talking more and more open. My IC said she thinks it great we are talking more and if and when we want to see a MC it's fine.
Just thought I would post with the progress.
I am doing IC and also purchased the book suggested a day befor I posted. So I have started reading it and he has agreed to read the first chapter. I am not going to push.. the first chapter is a step in the right direction. He has also given me his phone passwords and and has apologized about the EA. Again this is a big step from where we were a month ago. He is being more open and talking to me about his issues, unhappiness and has stopped blaming me everything. He hasn't commited to anything and I haven't asked him to. He has stopped talking about moving out, seems happier and is doing activities with myself and our son and is being genuinely affectionate. Holding my hand, hugging me, kissing me hello and goodbye. We haven't exchanged "I love you's" or put our rings back on, but that is OK right now. We are taking it one day at a time and have ALOT of work to do. At the moment it could still go either direction, I am thinking postively but I am not going to count my chickens befor they hatch!
Just thought I would post with the progress.
I am doing IC and also purchased the book suggested a day befor I posted. So I have started reading it and he has agreed to read the first chapter. I am not going to push.. the first chapter is a step in the right direction. He has also given me his phone passwords and and has apologized about the EA. Again this is a big step from where we were a month ago. He is being more open and talking to me about his issues, unhappiness and has stopped blaming me everything. He hasn't commited to anything and I haven't asked him to. He has stopped talking about moving out, seems happier and is doing activities with myself and our son and is being genuinely affectionate. Holding my hand, hugging me, kissing me hello and goodbye. We haven't exchanged "I love you's" or put our rings back on, but that is OK right now. We are taking it one day at a time and have ALOT of work to do. At the moment it could still go either direction, I am thinking postively but I am not going to count my chickens befor they hatch!
That is great news. Moving in the right direction. That is all we can do. Patience patience patience!! All the best to you!!!
but I should add if you need to go and he refuses to then he isn't showing remorse, if anything he is too afraid the counselor may point out his ways are not good for you or your marriage
Just thought I would post with the progress.
I am doing IC and also purchased the book suggested a day befor I posted. So I have started reading it and he has agreed to read the first chapter. I am not going to push.. the first chapter is a step in the right direction. He has also given me his phone passwords and and has apologized about the EA. Again this is a big step from where we were a month ago. He is being more open and talking to me about his issues, unhappiness and has stopped blaming me everything. He hasn't commited to anything and I haven't asked him to. He has stopped talking about moving out, seems happier and is doing activities with myself and our son and is being genuinely affectionate. Holding my hand, hugging me, kissing me hello and goodbye. We haven't exchanged "I love you's" or put our rings back on, but that is OK right now. We are taking it one day at a time and have ALOT of work to do. At the moment it could still go either direction, I am thinking postively but I am not going to count my chickens befor they hatch!
I don't get this at all????
He's the one who cheated yet you are the one who "doesn't want to push him" and you're happy that he nicely agreed to read the first chapter of a book, he refuses to commit to anything, and you're hoping things go in the right direction?
HE should be the one saying these things about YOU!
I went and read your other thread, it was suggested you do the 180.
What you are doing is not a 180, it's treating him with kid gloves even though the situation should be the exact opposite.
You are sending him a message that you will put up with anything he does, forgive him for anything while hoping he doesn't leave you for another woman.
I would have to agree that your H doesn't show signs of remorse. If he is truly repentant and desires to reconcile, he would be bending over backwards to prove it.
As a BS who's WS is still in fantasy world, I will readily admit to a willingness to reconcile under the RIGHT conditions. The RIGHT conditions are being a WS willing to put in the work necessary for a rebuilt marriage. I cannot simply allow her to come back as if she was doing me a favor.
I think, in some ways, you are willing to do so much because you love him and want to be with. You may even be afraid of the future without him. But you can't just settle. He has to do some heavy-lifting, and imho, more than you since he is the offender. Posted via Mobile Device
Sometimes we need to do what is best for us. I know some advice I was given months ago would have ended my marriage, but I wanted to save it. So learning about MLC is learning they are in a fog and not seeing clearly. Playing hardball is not always the best approach. The book Divorce Buster points this out clearly.
Bounderies like doing the 180 is important, but needs to be customized to each situation.
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Reconciliation without MC? 
